Frustration.

Not a single step in the TTC process would I consider 'easy'. It is filled with challenges, tough decisions, emotions, etc. The last 16 months have definitely had their peaks and valleys.

Taking the meds has been fairly uneventful the last two months. I haven't had any crazy side affects and I appear to be ovulating. All good things, no denying that. Why is it then the first thing I think of is that it is an extra kick to the ladybits when AF arrived? 'What!? But I'm a functioning reproductive woman now! What is it this time!?' Why is it that I neglect to remember (or care?) that these things take time. You know how everyone says that it will take even a 'healthy' couple up to a year to conceive? Well damnit, I don't want to wait another year!

So much for my hard learned lesson in patience...

I think I may have a sit down with my mom. Now for those that don't know her in the real world, be jealous. She is probably the greatest mom on the face of this here earth. She is one of those strong, selfless, single mother types. You know, the kind that keeps the world on its axis with one hand and defends the innocent against all evil with the other. Well, I haven't told her a peep about this. For the longest time I wanted this to be a wonderful surprise. I didn't want to give her something else to worry about. She wants to be a grandmother and I want to give that to her.

However, it has almost been a year and a half. Now instead of feeling like I'm preparing for a big surprise, I feel like I'm hiding a rather large part of my life from her. To top it off, I have no idea what my family history is like. Did she or my grandmother have trouble conceiving? I know that my grandmother, mother, and aunt have all had to have hysterectomies and they were not by choice. That freaks me out, not going to lie. Maybe there is something more for me to learn. I think I will wait until the end of this cycle. Hold out hope for one more potential month. Then when I head back to the doc to discuss next steps, I will fill her in. Oh boy am I not looking forward to that conversation. Mental note: bring the Kleenex.

Thanks for hanging in there, here we go again.

Merry Christmas

I know that I spend a lot of time on this blog venting about this or that. I probably use this as an outlet more than I should, but it really is helpful to get it out! With all of my griping, I have a tremendous amount to be thankful for.

I have the most amazing friends and family. My friends, for real and e-friends, are always there for me when I need an ear. This year has certainly had its challenges and I am forever grateful that I haven't had to face this journey alone. My friends make me laugh. Boy what a release laughter is. This year I have truly had FUN. I feel like I have lived and had adventures and been able to reconnect with a part of myself that had been stagnant for awhile. Friends are the family that you choose. Well if I must say so myself, I have good taste.

My family... They are my biggest supporters. I cannot tell you the confidence and love I feel from having the greatest cheering section on the planet. Now, not all (or any of my family for that matter...) of my family and friends know of our current child-making attempts. However, we are still trying to live our lives. Plan for our future, save money, etc. I am forever grateful knowing that the people in my life are there to support me, no matter what. I think I'm finally ready to sit down and talk to my Mom about all of this... but that's a post for another day.

My health. Other than our issues, or my issues I suppose, with infertility I am otherwise very healthy. I've been slacking on the losing weight thing the last few weeks (damn holiday treats!), but overall I feel better than I have in years. I love it when my husband wraps his arms around me and calls my skinny (Ha. I wish) or a friend I haven't seen in awhile tells me how great I'm looking these days. Who wouldn't!? But more than that, I love how I feel. I have energy and feel stronger. I feel more in control and that's invaluable. It motivates me to know that I'm not even 'there' yet! I have more good feelings and energy awaiting me (if I can stick to my gym routine that is!). I think 2010 is my year to finally get it done.

Last, but never least, is my husband. J is without a doubt the most amazing part of my life. Without him I have no idea where I would be. It's a corny cliche, but he makes me want to be a better person. I do what I do every day because I want him to be proud of me. He challenges me to push myself a little further than I thought I could. He supports my decisions (even when he can't make them himself, lol - men!!) and holds my hand through the tough stuff. We've been on an emotional roller coaster this year. We've been brought closer and been pushed further away in other relationships in our life, but ours has done nothing but grow. Getting married after 7 years of dating and you think you know just about all there is to know about a person. Well, boy was I wrong. That man amazes me every day. I've had the privilege of doing most of my 'growing up' with J and I am so profoundly proud of the man he is today and simply honored to be his wife. The idea of him becoming a father is what keeps me on the TTC path. Some days 'I love you' just doesn't quite seem to cut it. He's one of the few good ones.

I hope that your Christmas is spent with those you love. That those who have enriched your life know just how much you love and appreciate them. It is my Christmas wish that all of you have joy, love, health and happiness in 2010.

Merry Christmas!

Unwelcome Christmas Guest

Just in time for the festivities, AF!
(Please excuse the copious amounts of sarcasm. I plan to have that looked at.)

Time for me to go forth and spread my Christmas cheer.

I feel another month coming to an end.

My optimism for this month has faded with the temp drop this morning. Yes, it appears I ovulated for potentially the first time and for that I am grateful. Baby steps. (Pun intended. Ha. Ha.) Our timing was appropriate and my chart wasn't as awful as the rest. Unfortunately that simply served to stir up my hopes. Make plans in my mind for how wonderful it would be to give this to my husband for Christmas. To be able to tell my Mom (whos 50th birthday is tomorrow), that she will be a grandmother.

Why do I do that to myself each month? Make these plans? Build up these expectations? You'd think I'd have learned by now. But, no.

I've made wishes on the first star of the night.
I've wished on clock patterns (something silly I've done since I was a kid).
Blown out birthday candles.
Held my breath in tunnels.
Crossed my fingers.
Prayed.
And I only put one thing on my Christmas list.

Maybe next year...

Frosted Ginger Cookies

OMFG. I baked these for our party tonight and I CAN. NOT. stop eating them. There are not going to be any left by the time my friends get here. De-fricken-licious.

I recommend baking them immediately.

Frosted Ginger Cookies

New Favorite Thing

SWAGBUCKS!

I know that I am not the only one that (sometimes obsessively) uses a search engine like Google to solve any and all of our daily quandaries. There is a search bar, you type your word or phrase, and miraculously there are thousands of potential sites that will assist you with your query.

Well, not only will Swagbucks do the same, but you get paid to do it! You can earn Swagbucks and put them towards gift cards and other prizes. You get Swagbucks for referring other people too. Can't hurt to try it, right?

You really should check it out. Especially if you're like me and you love free stuff! lol

Best Chart Yet

My being excited about that is silly considering I'm taking progesterone, since that can cause a thermal shift. O'well. I have a decent looking chart (nevermind the open circle and missed day - SHH!) and I'm going to enjoy it while it lasts.

Hurry up 2WW, hurry UP!

Girls Night!

I'm getting ready to head out for a night on the town with a couple of my favorite gals on the planet. We're going to get fancy and head to the Edgewater Hotel for a night of champagne and dancing. I am extremely excited.

My current dilemma is figuring out what to wear! Most of my nice clothes are warmer weather stuff. How can a girl have a closet STUFFED with clothes and not a single thing to wear?

I hope you all are having a good weekend too!

Baby Jillian

Our little internet community has suffered another awful loss this year. Baby Jillian was born at about 24 weeks and she lived only 4 days. The world just isn't fair. Sometimes I just don't understand at all how the universe can be SO cruel. I really like to believe that everything happens for a reason, but what could the reason possibly be!?

These recent loses have impacted me much more than I thought they would or could. More than through the rest of my IF experience, I'm scared. I haven't always handled our current struggles as well as I think I could have and it is always a learning experience. However, I'm not sure that I could handle what these women have been subjected to. I want to stay home, snuggle with my lovely husband and just cry for their loss. How they manage to function on a daily basis is admirable. They are so strong. I honestly do not think I would handle it a fraction as well as they have. What if after this long road, we lose what we've tried, prayed and dreamed so hard for?

You ladies are inspiring.

Jillian, thank you for looking out over all of us. We are grateful for your guidance and grace.

A 'positive' step.

Last night was my first ever, no doubt about it, positive OPK. 15 seconds after the little test was dipped into my pink cup of urine, two lines started to form. The test line already forming darker than the control.

When I took the test I was really tired. I had a busy day, been to the gym, walked the dog, etc. I was beat. J and I joked before I took the test that today would be the day I'd get a positive because the last thing I felt like doing was rolling around in the sheets. Sure enough! Boy did I perk up in a hurry. "We get to do it!!?" Was J's reaction. lol

Monday was my first day in a long time, probably almost a year, where I had serious EWCM. Gobs of it! (Lovely, I know.)

Needless to say it was a couple of very exciting evenings for me. Granted there is never any guarantees, but I feel like we are finally making progress. Two positive steps, two days in a row.

My face and I are not on speaking terms.

When I was about 13 I gave my mother the worlds best silent treatment. We didn't speak for days. I was pretty damn proud of myself (those that know me IRL know it would be a feat for me to keep quiet for any length of time).

Well, because my face is currently behaving like a pubescent junior high boy, I figure I may as well act that way too. So, Face, until you shape up and decide that my entire chin does not need to look like a mountain range on a topographical map, we will not be speaking. I have fun plans today and if you don't at least comply with my attempts to cover you with makeup, I may just lop my entire head off.

Thank you in advance for your compliance.

Clomid Side-Affects

Last month I was thrilled to not experience any real side affects. I say 'real' side affects because I did start my period without a single PMS symptom. And for those that have read about the last few months, that was a surprise. I've been having awful cramps, heavy flow, headaches, and very sore boobs.

This month is pretty much the same. Except I've notice the last couple days I took it I've been sensitive, needy and a little emotional. I remember a phase like this early last month, but I didn't attribute it to the meds. Perhaps thats my side affect?

Note to Clomid: Although I don't feel you, I hope you're working down there!

Busy December

December is proving to be quite a busy month.

It all started back in August. It was a busy month, especially with J hurting himself (Chainsaw Disaster 2009). Because we were not able to accomplish a lot, we pushed everything off until September. Well, September came and we addressed most of the things we'd put off, but had to push September's tasks on to October, etc, etc. Now as you can see it is December. Officially the "Holiday Season". Thankfully our downstairs is pretty much finished and we're basically caught up.

As things pop up in the future (incoming birthday party, bridal shower invites, etc) I add them to my planner. Either I write them in or add a brightly colored post-it. I don't typically pay too much attention to what's going on, except to make sure we're not already busy, until that month is actually upon us. So, I was feeling much better until I opened up my trusty planner this morning to 'December'.

We are basically booked solid until February. Yup, you read that right. We have plans every single weekend until the last weekend in January. The only exception to this rule is Christmas weekend. The only reason we don't have plans then is because my Mom's 50th is coming up and we haven't nailed down our exact plan.

This weekend we have a tree-lighting ceremony in the mountains on Saturday (overnight) and I have a bridal shower to attend on Sunday. Next weekend - Saturday we're getting a Christmas tree, attending a first birthday party, and it is girls night (I'm uber stoked about this!), and Sunday we've got to prep the house (ie - decorate and clean like crazy) because the following weekend is our Christmas party! That leads us to the two holiday weekends, then a wedding, and two weekends in a row that we'll be away.

Thankfully all of the stuff we have planned is fun. We're spending good quality time with our friends and family. However, it did make my eyes roll back in my head to be hit in the face with it like that.

I really hope that everyone else has a holiday season planned filled with fun, family, and friends.