2 Years

It has been a busy week, so Tuesday I did not have the opportunity to write. Tuesday, 9/28, was the second anniversary of my first day off birth control. We had officially started trying to conceive.

Two years.

Growing up and thinking about when I would start a family I never thought that it would have turned out like this. When we started ttc in 2008, part of me just knew it wasn't going to happen right away. I'd learned a bit more about the process, my cycle was really off, I was spending entirely too much time on BOTB. Part of me just knew. Did I think I would be sitting here two years later without the least bit of success? No. That I could not have anticipated.

I am such a different person now than I was two years ago. Whether that has prepared me more, or less, for parenthood I guess we'll never know. I've written previously about missing my naivety and this week that is especially true. I distinctly remember sitting on the couch with J and talking about deciding to try. We'd just been married in July and said then that we would wait until the new year and see how it went. But, we were ready. 'What good will waiting 3 more months do?' So our journey began. We were so very excited. Giddy even. I was going to bake a blond haired, blue eyed baby. Mine. His. The excitement was in the air. It was difficult to go to baby showers (there were a lot of them that year) and not shout 'We're trying too!!' Boy am I glad I didn't...

Fast forward two years and we're on our first real break. Not just a 'I'm taking this month off for a deep breath', but the I want nothing to do with baby-talk for the next few months. I need to find me again. J and I are just as strong as ever. We still hold hands in the grocery store and snuggle as we fall asleep at night. We're good, really good in fact. It's me that is off.

I talked to J last night and I've decided to start seeing a therapist. Mrs.S has some issues (like all of a sudden talking in 3rd person) and they need to be worked through. Dealing with infertility is a huge part of that. Stress at work (I now do 2.5 peoples jobs with little to no support). My weight (I hate you PCOS) is another. If I am super careful about what I eat I can maintain, but the second I step out of line, I gain. To the tune of 10lbs this summer, most of which was gained the later part of August and September - after I stopped taking meds. When I get home in the evenings I can barely leave the couch. I have no motivation to do much of anything. I get these random burst of energy, but that still leaves my house a disaster. It's time I take my own advice and seek the guidance of a professional. We'll see how that goes, I'll report back.

Two years later and I'm a little more grown up, a lot more jaded, and I'm ready to look for help. I just can't do it all on my own.

Blah.

You know those days where you don't want to get out of bed? Today was one of those days for me and I cannot shake my glum mood.

I'm upset with the universe and carrying a heavy heart for a friend. A sweet, loving, wonderful friend of mine went into premature labor at 23 weeks and lost her son yesterday. This is the second angel baby for this family. Her daughter passed 8/15/09.

I cannot begin to fathom. To understand. To even comprehend what they are going through right now. My heart physically hurts at the thought of it. Who makes these decisions?! Who decides who gets to stay and go!? I'd like to think it isn't God. That there isn't some devine force out there robbing these beautiful people of their family. The thought sickens me...

The whole situation keeps making me think about our own struggle with IF. What would we do if faced with that situation after trying so long? If this woman, who has suffered more than anyone ever should, has not been given a child - why should I? My heart is pulled in many directions today, none of which are positive.

Let's hope this work day is sufficiently distracting...

Quote

Parenting is an amazing opportunity to ruin someone from scratch.

-John Stewart.

My new life's goal.

Break = No ICLW

I decided that since this was our first full month on our much need baby-making-break, that I would also opt-out of ICLW for September. I am having mixed feelings now that I see it kicking off.

I love all of the blogs and people I've had the opportunity to meet through the last few months of ICLW. Each of you has a slightly different story, but essentially we're in the same preverbial boat. However, since we're on a 'break' I don't really have to much of any substance to share right now. Ultimately I have decided not to participate. The attention, love, prayers, etc can go to those in the list that need it right this minute.

So, while I have decided not to actively participate, I still plan to drop by those that have given me love and/or become a follower of this blog just to say hello, give e-hugs, and deliver positive vibes.

Happy ICLW! I hope that those participating find the support and community they are looking for.

Vegas

We had a GREAT time in Las Vegas. The conference I was attending was great. Good discussion and a bit of the rejuvenation I needed for work. I was seriously lacking the appropriate motivation. After the work part was wrapped up, we had a couple of friends meet us down there.

Let the FUN begin!

We walked around town with tasty beverages in hand. I soaked up the 100 degree weather. The last of summer I am certain I will see until next July. Every day we took a nap (have I ever expressed how much I love a good nap? I do.). Thursday night we got allll gussied up. I got to wear my pretty party dress and we hit the town. We got drinks and ended the night at King Ink (a tattoo parlor/lounge) at The Mirage. We had some drinks while our friend got a tattoo! Classic Vegas right there. The next night we prefunked (drinking in Vegas is PRICEY) before traipsing around to The Rok (nightclub in NY NY) and then my favorite - Studio 54 (MGM). L.O.V.E. that place! There was crazy go-go dancers, a kickass dj, and lots and lots of dancing. It was a great time.

Can I tell you a secret though? My feet hurt for TWO DAYS after that. Yup, today was the first day they didn't ache. I think I'm getting too old for that partyallnight business. But, it was totally worth it.

Overall it was a really productive, fun, warm, and relaxing trip. And overall, I'm ready to go back.

Just a couple photos from the trip:Sunset on our way into Vegas.

Look at that cute face!

Pretty song

I was catching up on my blog log today and came across a video I'd never seen awhile visiting Waiting For Our Miracle. I thought it was a pretty song and thought I'd share:

Viva Las Vegas

In just a couple of hours we leave for the airport. That's right, we're VEGAS bound. I cannot express exactly how excited I am. I've got to work tomorrow and Thursday and then it is two days of nothing but PLAY. What is better than a Vegas trip? A Vegas trip with paid airfare and hotel (with the exception of J's ticket and one additional night)!

Pedicure? Check.
Clean house? Check. (Anyone else clean before you leave so you don't come home to a disaster?)
Bags packed? Almost check.
Watched The Hangover twice this weekend to prepare? Check.
New party dress purchased? CHECK.

I think I'm ready to go!

Since the pacific northwest has officially settled in to fall, I am really looking forward to that last dose of summer. 4 days of sunshine, drinks poolside, warm nights filled with friends and cocktails and cute dresses... love! See you kids back around these parts this weekend. Love ya!

Less Pressure

I saw a couple of friends from high school last week. I haven't seen them in a couple of years. We had a nice lunch and it was really fun catching up. Since I am the only one of the three of us that is married, inevitably the question came up - 'When are you and J going to have babies??'

My mind is in such a better place right now. Gone, for the moment, is the bitter and jaded. I knew both mentally, and emotionally for once, that they were asking because they loved us and thought us having babies was an excellent idea. I wasn't upset at all. While I didn't go into a long drawn out 'We've been trying with little success' explanation, I did say that having babies won't be quite as easy for us. That because of something I have called PCOS we'll more than likely need to have some intervention, because I don't have 'regular' cycles. But, that we both would love to have children. And I left it at that. One of them said that she was sorry to hear that and she knows we'll just appreciate what we have that much more, once it happens.

I talked about it. Without tears. To someone other than my husband, mom, or BFF.

I'm just going to go ahead and mark that one in the win column. J and I chatted recently and decided that should it come up in conversation with our friends or family that we're going to talk about it. We're not going to walk into a party with everyone we know and make a grand announcement or anything, but when the subject comes up and the time is right, we're done living in the closet. With some we'll probably be more vague, like I was with the girlfriends I haven't seen in awhile, and with others (J's parents? ::shudder::) they probably won't let us off the hook that easy. We're lucky to have a big network of family and friends and have a couple extra positive thoughts/vibes/prayers out there certainly isn't going to hurt anything. I'm prepared now to take on the bad advice and stupid things people say because I know they're just trying to help. (remind me of this when I want to pull my hair out or hide from my MIL - kthanks)

Maybe there is something to this 'relax' business? (Please don't beat me up.) I certain feel better. I needed this break and I know I'm not ready for it to end yet. For now I'm going to focus my energy on continuing to get healthy and on sending my thoughts and prayers to all of you. Those that are in the middle of treatments, just getting started, and those that already have that precious cargo on board. Love and hugs to you all. I'm pulling for you!

Wordless Wednesday

Not cool, AF. Not cool.

AF finally decided to show up today. And by 'today' I mean at 2:45 this morning. She woke me out of a dead sleep with the worst cramping. I thought for sure I was about to shit the bed or something. As soon as I hit the bathroom I realized (or woke up enough to realize?) it was AF. Stupid beyotch has no manners whatsoever. Needless to say, I didn't get back to sleep. I could not find a comfortable position and about 10 minutes after I laid back down, gas pains got added to the mix. Really!? My morning ruitine had to be edited to remove breakfast and making a lunch so that I could fit in my 25 minutes on the toilet. Overshare, sorry 'bout that. But 25 minutes of the runs on CD1 is just mean. -- Yes, you get quality reading around here. True story.

Kick a girl while she's down why don't you?! Jebus.

At least it is here and I can finally stop wondering if/when I'm going to start. Carrying around tampons, just for funsies, because you're not sure when she's going to strike is no bueno.