128

That is exactly how many beats per minute (BPM) our baby's heartbeat was today.

128 BPM

A little gummy bear with a valve flashing with each beat. It was the greatest thing I have ever seen in my life. Screw the 7 wonders, someone just got bumped.

It took a bit for it to sink in, but we both got choked up.

This day has been a long time coming and we are grateful for every single moment. We are so in love. I'm sorry that I don't have more to share, but I didn't want to leave you waiting.

I will leave you with this, a portrait of our little Spawn...

he/she kind of looks like a snowman, no?

Vacation

Just in case I neglected to mention this, J and I have the whole week off this week! I think this was the cause of my earlier anxiety - too much time on my hands!

We got a fabulous phone call yesterday - they are coming to deliver our new bedroom set today! This was our Christmas present to one another. We bought it through Costco (don't you just love the quality of their furniture??) and they said it would take 4-6 weeks for delivery. They called us ONE WEEK later! It was an amazing surprise.

Thankfully that has left me with plenty to do. Moving out the old dresser and night stands, moving the bed (all J's job of course!) to vacuum, dust, and wash the walls. Our room has not been this clean since we moved in. It is fabulous!

I even went through my closet (which I try and do every couple months) and gathered a whole bag of things to donate. Once the new furniture is in place, I plan to do the same thing as I work to fill all of the new drawers.

I have even decided that while I wait for them to come (should only be another couple hours!) I am going to go through the bookshelf and dvd cases. Finally some time set aside to PURGE! It feels great.

It's good that I have the time to do this today, because when we hear a happy and healthy heartbeat tomorrow (love the return of my optimism!), the last thing I'm going to want to do is clean and organize.

The perfect combination of relaxing vacation and getting some things accomplished. Because tonight, once the room is all put together, you bet your sweet tush that I will be taking a nap on my new bed. WOOT!

InJewels Giveaway Winner!

I am happy to announce that Our Life in Cycles is the winner (and new follower! welcome!) of my first ever giveaway! Please contact me at himplusme at gmail dot com and we can arrange for your bracelet to be sent!

(Not horribly scientific as the response was so small - I had J pick a number between 1 and 4! lol)

I appreciate those who chose to participate in the giveaway. I have to say I am a bit bummed at the response, but am happy to have learned quite a few things for next time.

Please do not forget to take advantage of the 10% discount available (MrsS10) at InJewels!

Anxiety

Does the nagging worry in the back of your mind ever stop? It isn't the crippling fear I had with my last short pregnancy, but just a hovering thought in the back of my mind.

It isn't helped by the fact I had a bit of spotting this week. Nothing even close to red, but only the brownish spotting when I wiped. Nothing that ever even reached the liner. It's gone now, only sporadic over the last couple of days. While I know I cannot change anything if it is to happen, and that the kind of spotting I had can be perfectly normal (and quite common for that matter), I am still very anxious for our ultrasound this Thursday. I strongly wish that I could go in earlier. Only, I know that the early I go in the less likely I am to see anything...

I am trying to cut myself some slack, calling it nerves, and doing my best to relax. But instead, in these quite moments of vacation, my mind wanders to thoughts of - am I sick enough? I was sicker last week, is it going away? Should I be bloated and feeling different?

Boy am I ready to see that little black and white bean again. This mama could use a little reassurance.

Merry Christmas

We have so much to be grateful for this holiday season. We hope that, like us, you are taking the time to spend this holiday with those you love and hold dear.

This Christmas I want to thank each and every one of you. For your love, support, encouragement, and good humor. You've done a lot for me this year and I am so appreciative for your friendship.

I hope that Santa was good to you this year!

Merry Christmas!


PS - Don't forget to enter the giveaway!

My First Giveaway

That's right folks, I'm doing my very first giveaway!

I am happy to bring to you a gorgeous fertility bracelet from InJewels. InJewels makes a variety of bracelets and necklaces. While they have a whole line of fertility related jewelry, they also carry healing, pregnancy, and breast cancer inspired pieces.

Each piece is hand made and customizable. The gemstones included in these pieces are said to be powerful healing stones, provide balance, and relieve different ailments. Why not treat yourself for the holidays? Or purchase a thoughtful gift for a woman you know that could use a pick-me-up?

Helen from InJewels was kind enough to send me the Misty Believe Fertility Bracelet. I am happy to report that the bracelet is beautiful and very well made. I especially love the floral accents - very feminine! And, while I know this has nothing to do with the actual quality of the product, I received my bracelet FAST. As many of you know, I'm not much with patience, so it was a pleasant surprise!

InJewels is offering my readers any Fertility Bracelet of their choice! There are a number of different styles to choose from. Don't forget to read about the different stones and find what appeals to you.

I've participated in giveaways in the past and want to make this as easy as possible! Just make sure that you leave a comment for each entry.

Here's how you enter:
1. Follow @himplusme on Twitter (be sure to leave your Twitter handle so that we can double check!)
2. Follow @InJewelsDesign on Twitter

Optional 3. Like InJewels Design on Facebook

Just make sure you also mention which bracelet you would choose if you win!

The folks at InJewels are so kind, that they wanted to be sure everyone got a little somethin-somethin this holiday season. Use the discount code MrsS10 and you will receive 10% off your purchase! BTW - this is good for ALL of 2012!! How generous is that?

The giveaway will expire on Monday 12/26 at 11:59 p.m. PST.

Focus

I have zero focus to speak of. It is all I can do to stay on task at work and get through my lengthy to do list. My drive is just slipping away.

It certainly doesn't help that we have the week between Christmas and New Years off of work. So I have being pregnant and an impending vacation to distract me from doing anything at all.

The thing is, I have SO much to do! New things keep getting added to my plate and there is just enough of my 'old' self still around to say, "Sure, I'm happy to take care of it."

I have a feeling it is going to be a constant epic battle between my over-achiever self and this new - I have better things to do like grow a human - self.

Who will win? Probably not my sanity.

Ask an You Shall Receive

Here's how yesterday went down...

Doc Oc (he really looks like the Spidey villain): How are you feeling?

Me: Pretty good actually, besides a bad cold Im getting over.

Doc Oc: That's good

Me: Part of me feels like I should be sicker. When does that start?

Doc Oc: Actually, right at about 6 weeks your hormones will start going crazy and you may see moodiness, breast soreness exceeding pms, and break outs (check x3!). Between 6 and 7 weeks you'll be getting a surge of progesterone and that's when the fun will start. Let me know if it gets too bad.

Me: Roger that good sir.

We talk next appointment and shortly we are on our merry way. On the way home we decide to stop at Target. I'd been given a granola bar after she took 96 gallons of my blood, so I thought I'd be fine.

No.

About 5 minutes in to our shopping excursion I could physically feel my blood sugar drop. Instantly I felt like crap. Almost sweaty, hungry, and a very mild panicky feeling. Really wee babe? Less than 2 hours after I ask? I see you have your mothers sense of humor.

I ate at home and felt some relief, but really haven't been the same since. This morning was especially  rough, and I could barely get through a piece of toast.

As sadistic as it sounds, I'm relieved. You always hear, 'the sicker the better', so in the back if my mind I could shake the thought that something was wrong because I felt okay. While I probably wont skip through the park, I'm grateful.

Tonight I am shopping for good healthy snacks so that I will always have something on hand. Let the games begin!

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Our First Ultrasound

While the first ultrasound would not still be for a couple of weeks, my doc is 'untrasound happy' and likes to get one early as a viability scan. You won't get a complaint out of me! Overall the appointment went really well! He agrees with my tracking the pregnancy via ovulation date, and not LMP (Last Monthly Period) since we were tracking so carefully.

I am officially 6 weeks pregnant today.

Blogosphere, meet Sprout 2.0, or as Jeremy calls him - Spawn. OR, as I randomly started calling him/her today - Little Pea. (Jeremy calls me Sweet Pea, this is probably where I got it.)

This isn't the greatest of the photos he took, but you can faintly see the outline of the sac that is our wee one! We are measuring at 5weeks 5days, which is pretty great considering how easy it is to be off by just a small amount. We spent a minute trying to tell if Little Pea's heart was beating, or if it was just moving fluid. Because we couldn't tell, we called it 'too early' and decided we'll look again next week. We knew it would be early, but we had to try! Our next appointment is on Thursday, 12/29. We will be 7weeks 3days and should be able to see the heartbeat. Our first real OB appointment is on 1/4.

Our doctor was on call, so we spent some quality time with his nurse. She did a great job answering our questions and sent us packing with a ton of stuff to read and consider. But, not before they took 37 gallons of my blood (give or take).

Of course we were hoping and praying to see a heartbeat today, but we still feel so much more positive about this pregnancy. It was a little alarming at first to see something that so resembled our beloved Sprout this summer. But, we are supposed to be measuring at this size right now - whereas Sprout should have been a couple weeks more mature. It was a little tug that reminded me to send our first little love a prayer.

We're off to a great start! Thank you for all of your positive thoughts and prayers. We appreciate it!

Tomorrow is our first appointment!

We are both nervous and very excited for our appointment tomorrow. It is our 'new patient' (even though we're not new) visit and our viability scan. We know it is early, but we're crossing our fingers for a heartbeat. That would make my whole world.

I'm definitely feeling anxious, considering this appointment was the beginning or the end with Sprout. On one hand I am feeling more confident this time considering we've not had any spotting or distress. On the other I spend too much time over analyzing everything and psyching myself out - why do I feel less bloated? My boobs hurt, but do they hurt bad enough? Shouldn't I be sicker by now? I've only had a couple nauseous moments... Oh the things your idle brain will do when left unchecked!

This time we're going in cold. No betas, no spotting - nothing to swing us one way or the other. We just have to be patient (GASP) and see what tomorrow holds.

Needless to say I'm saying my prayers, making my wishes, and crossing my fingers. If you have a moment, would you mind doing the same? We will take all of the cosmic pull we can get.

A full report tomorrow!

Pregnant Breakdown #1

Today was a royally shitty day. Period.

I woke up feeling a bit of a scratchy throat, but nothing dramatic. By the end of my commute I was congested. As I unlocked my office... yeah, I was in full sneeze-mode. I had to attend a breakfast event, throughout which I cleaned out my purse supply of tissues. About 10:00 a.m. I was starting to feel warm. So, I decided that I one last errand - walking to Safeway to pick up gift cards for our Adopt-a-Family program. It's about a 1/2 mile away, but even in my condition I decided to make the trek, in heels. Because, once that task was complete, I was getting the hell out of dodge.

As soon as I leave the office, it starts to rain. Greeeaaat.

I arrive at my destination, swipe my card (grateful that at least I will get miles out of the deal), and declined.

We try again, declined.

I quickly step to the side and call the dreaded financial-institution-that-shall-not-be-named (coughBofAcough), and what does there helpful service staff say when they answer the phone? "I'm sorry, but our systems are down. Can you please call us later today?"

NO!

I feel like shit, I haven't gotten my lunch, I walked a half mile in the pouring rain.. NO.

She connects me with someone who was not useless to me and tells me that as a security measure they declined my card. Okay, well I can understand why it isn't normal for someone to try and charge $4500 at Safeway. Kudos, banking institution, nice catch. But, it's me, so let me do my thang.

The long and the short - they couldn't fix it. And an hour of discussion, frustrating on my behalf, and obviously satisfying on their behalf - being as they got to say their favorite phrase, "I'm sorry, but there is nothing we can do." Is there a supervisor? No, but you can get a call back within 24 hours.

They had no patience or understanding for my plight.

I got to march my, now very unhappy ass, to an actual branch. Where they could actually help me. And then march my ass back to handle my business, before I hauled myself back to my office - two whole hours later. But, not before I called J to vent, while I cried and snot ran down my face. I was walking the street in the rain while I hiccup-cried and my feet throbbed like I'd been dancing all night. Except, this time I wasn't too drunk to care.

I did promptly add another question to my list - is there a good reference for what I can and cannot take during pregnancy? Because right now I would like to OD on a nighttime something or other and not wake up until midday tomorrow.

Upcoming Appointment

We are really starting to look forward to our first appointment on Monday. I am preparing my list of questions and J has even come up with some. I know that it is a bit early to expect a heartbeat, but secretly I am hoping we do. We could really use the pick-me-up this go round.

I have a question for you seasoned pros - what questions should I be sure and ask Dr. Oc.? I feel like there is so much more I should be asking and I can't think of anything else!

Also, I am having entirely too much fun gathering ideas on Pinterest. If you happen to be obsessed like me, come by and pay me a visit! I'd love to follow some more awesome peeps.

Sweet Friends

Our friends were nothing but 110% supportive. I knew they would be, they're good people. I'm certain they're still hurting, I know I would be, but they did nothing to show that to us. J was given a beer and a heart congrats and then we did our best to move to other subjects and talk about how they were doing. All in all, it went well and I am so grateful for our tremendous friends. Meanwhile, I will continue to be cautious and work not to 'rub it in'.

Side note - did any of you experience pressure in early pregnancy? I would not call it cramping as it isn't painful, but pressure is the best I can describe it. It isn't constant, but pretty frequent. Gas? I've certainly got enough bloat today for that to be the case.

Bitter Sweet

Tonight we are having dinner with some friends. It was a couple we were so excited to share our news with because, until about 2 weeks ago, they were 9 weeks pregnant. Last week (just before we got our BFP), she suffered her 3rd miscarriage. This time, which was their longest pregnancy to date, after they heard the heartbeat.

This is one of J's oldest friends and we've come a long way with them. They haven't been trying long (about 7-8 months) in the grand scheme of things, but they've suffered more in that short period than anyone should. When we started this journey 3 long years ago, they were not yet married. They didn't really understand our plight because they were at a different place in their life. They were empathetic, but often offered the kind of unsolicited 'advice' that you would often receive from someone naive.

I am heartbroken that they now understand. I hate that we've added another friend to our 'club'. And mostly, I have no idea how we will break the news to our dear friends who now have to start over again. My heart breaks for them.

They knew we ovulated this month too. How? Because they were over for dinner a few weeks back when we got the positive OPK and J fricken told them. Great dinner conversation, no? They were still pregnant and thrilled with the idea of doing this together. I really want to be sensitive of their feelings, especially since it wasn't that long ago that we were in their shoes.

The universe is a cruel beast sometimes, isn't it?

If you have a moment, please say a prayer or send a positive thought to our friends E&S. We love them dearly and hope things work out for them. These situations are so tough and, although grateful for our blessing, I feel like a fish out of water being on the other side.

Hope

Whatever you do, hold on to HOPE.
The tiniest thread will twist into an unbreakable cord.

Let hope anchor you in the possibility that this is not the end of your story,
that change will bring you to peaceful shores.

~Author Unknown

Keeping The Secret

I am such a horrible liar! Especially when I want to be able to tell our phenomenal news.

We are really struggling with how to be around our friends, especially at holiday parties, and not telling them the one thing that's top on our list. Especially awkward when they offer you a cocktail and you have to stammer for an excuse as to why you don't want one. And you know what? To make it worse, my friends are pushers! "Oh, come on!" "What?! Shut up. Here, I got your favorite wine!" "Hahahaha, yeah right!"

Buncha punks.

We're just not ready to say anything yet and risk having to take the news back again. One particular group of our friends was so supportive, but they are at different stages in their lives. They really just cannot relate and I don't want to put that on them again. The girls at work all have baby fricken fever and I swear to God they are going to smell the pregnant on me. We're supposed to get together and bake next Saturday and every email says something like, "Oooh, fun! Cookies and WINE!" Doublefrick! Jeremy says to tell them I'm hungover.

I'm really starting to sound like a lush, aren't I? I'm really not! It's this time of year.

How do you lie without feeling or sounding like an idiot?

Any tips for avoidance?

Should I just cancel my appearances all together and not come out of my cave until sometime next month?

Pregnancy as I know it.

I don't really feel too different thus far. Yesterdays lunch of a green salad and chicken was harder to get through than it should have been, but I'm not overly queasy. I've felt full and bloated in my lower belly, and maybe what I would call pressure, but no cramping. Mostly I feel the same.

There are two things I do seem to gave an excess of - urine and yawning.

One night this week we laid down on the couch for about an hour. I made sure to pee before we laid down, but in that hour I peed an additional two times! And I really had to go not just the felt-like-I-had-to, but the move-or-I'll-pee-my-pants kind. Jeremy found it hilarious and by the last time he was teasing me and asking if he should just move the tv so that I could stay in there. I should have taken him up on it.

I've also been pretty tired. A noticeable lack of energy during the day and by 7:30-8:00 I am ready for bed. Yesterday I was in the copy room and a coworker asked if I was okay. I turned around and said, "yes! Of course. What's up?" And she pointed out that in the probably two minutes we were in there together, I'd yawned at least three times! We laughed and I joked about needing a nap. It was only noon!

Besides my over abundance of urine and my inability to keep my eyes open, I feel pretty good! I am so grateful for the opportunity to experience these things and look forward to what is to come. As my BFF Susan says, "I would say it sucks, but you're pregnant, so it is awesome!" So true.

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Sprout 1.0

Over the last few years you all have been privy to some of my brightest highs and unfortunate lows. I've always struggled a bit, and I think this could probably be true for most infertiles, with the 'why me?!' and also had my doubts that we would ever get pregnant.

While Sprout 1.0 was only with us a few short weeks, he/she/they gave me an outlet. It brought all of my emotions to the surface. The pain I felt when we lost Sprout 1.0 was intense, and deep, and probably the most sad and depressed I've ever been. I was angry, questioned our desire to keep trying, distraught, fearful of going through this again, ashamed... all very raw emotions. But, I felt them. I gave myself the luxury of bringing those things to the surface and facing them. Head on. I really grieved. Sprout 1.0 helped me clean out my proverbial closet and most importantly, gave me hope. After 3 years of nothing, to know that you can in fact get pregnant, it's a game changer folks.

This is why I feel that I am so calm with Sprout 2.0. I left all of my old baggage, fear, and sadness back in August. I purged and was left with only my hope and faith. No longer did I have to waver, because I knew that this would be in the cards for us some day.

I am not saying that if I could go back I wouldn't change it if I could. Losing Sprout was one of the worst things that has ever happened to me. What I am getting at is, even with Sprout 2.0, I will never forget my first. The love I feel for Sprout, the lessons I was taught, the love I felt from family and friends during some of my darkest days. I am so grateful for those days I had Sprout in my life. Sprout will always be with me. Coaching Sprout 2.0 along, helping he/she to avoid the path of their older sibling.

I know that there are no guarantees in this life. Especially not this early in a pregnancy. I've seen things go the other way entirely too many times not to know better. But I feel a lot better prepared to face this journey knowing that I have a clean slate, an amazing support group, and an angel on my side.

Pregnant and in School

I had my appointment with the academic adviser yesterday. Overall, it didn't go very well and I'm feeling a bit demotivated.

Firstly, he was late for our appointment. Second, I guess I hadn't thought through the fact that this person advising me, could actually be quite a bit younger than I am. I felt kind of like an idiot. Which, I know I shouldn't, but his general demeanor didn't help. He wasn't overly rude or anything, just not very helpful. I wanted advice, options, suggestions, etc. Everything he gave me I could have found online. I felt a bit rushed out of there.

I left with more questions than when I started.

I have until the 1st of February to apply for Spring quarter (April - June). What would I do about summer quarter? Give birth before finals?? Oy vey... How about when fall quarter starts in September and I have a one month old and I am facing going back to work? I'm basically in the middle of my sophomore year and don't know yet if the exams I've taken for work will count towards credit.

Needless to say, I'm a bit overwhelmed and not certain now what I want to do. I know it's going to be hard, but will I be adding too much to my plate and get overwhelmed again? I don't have time for the crap I need to do now. You know, the stuff I'm neglecting right now while I blog...

I'm scared if I don't do it now, I never will. Am I crazy to take this on?

P.S. To answer your question Josey, I am 15 dpo today.

You're going to want to see this.

Yes, you're seeing that right.

Two little lines!

It's early on yet, but we are thrilled to be starting this journey again.

While we may have a long way to go, I'm feeling an odd calm (compared to my normal high-strung, type-A, self) and while cautious, I am certainly optimistic.

We're not getting our beta's done this time, but we have a viability scan scheduled in a few weeks.

For now? For now, I am snuggling a little closer to my husband, enjoying these moments, and enjoying our little secret. I've confided in only a couple of our closest friends, as we can appreciate the need for a support group. Our families and other friends (besides you all of course!) are going to have to wait a bit. Not too terribly long, but long enough until we're comfortable. Since you all have been in the loop from the beginning, it was only fair to keep you in the loop going forward.

If you have a spare positive thought, I would sure appreciate it.

Now we just have to figure out what to call this little poppy-seed. Sprout 2.0?

To wait, or not to wait, that is the question.

We've discussed, ad nauseum, about my lack of patience. I'm here to tell you - nothing has changed! HA!

I am approaching the end of my 2WW. And now the question must be asked - do I play it safe and wait the full two weeks, or do I cheat and test early?

It is as the old adage asks - "To pee, or not to pee, that is the question!"

What would you do?

Pee?
or
Wait and Pee?

Convince me.