Over the last few years you all have been privy to some of my brightest highs and unfortunate lows. I've always struggled a bit, and I think this could probably be true for most infertiles, with the 'why me?!' and also had my doubts that we would ever get pregnant.
While Sprout 1.0 was only with us a few short weeks, he/she/they gave me an outlet. It brought all of my emotions to the surface. The pain I felt when we lost Sprout 1.0 was intense, and deep, and probably the most sad and depressed I've ever been. I was angry, questioned our desire to keep trying, distraught, fearful of going through this again, ashamed... all very raw emotions. But, I felt them. I gave myself the luxury of bringing those things to the surface and facing them. Head on. I really grieved. Sprout 1.0 helped me clean out my proverbial closet and most importantly, gave me hope. After 3 years of nothing, to know that you can in fact get pregnant, it's a game changer folks.
This is why I feel that I am so calm with Sprout 2.0. I left all of my old baggage, fear, and sadness back in August. I purged and was left with only my hope and faith. No longer did I have to waver, because I knew that this would be in the cards for us some day.
I am not saying that if I could go back I wouldn't change it if I could. Losing Sprout was one of the worst things that has ever happened to me. What I am getting at is, even with Sprout 2.0, I will never forget my first. The love I feel for Sprout, the lessons I was taught, the love I felt from family and friends during some of my darkest days. I am so grateful for those days I had Sprout in my life. Sprout will always be with me. Coaching Sprout 2.0 along, helping he/she to avoid the path of their older sibling.
I know that there are no guarantees in this life. Especially not this early in a pregnancy. I've seen things go the other way entirely too many times not to know better. But I feel a lot better prepared to face this journey knowing that I have a clean slate, an amazing support group, and an angel on my side.