Boobies

Let's talk about boobies for a moment, shall we? For about a week now my boobs have been SORE. Twice in the last few days J has tried to get friendly with them and I have had to threatened to smash a lamp over his head if he even THINKS about moving one fraction of an inch closer to my tender bosoms. He got them message and in the bathroom yesterday asked 'can I try now? there's no lamps in here!' SweetbabyJesus - NO!

I was in my jammies this morning, which typically consist of undies and a tshirt. I leaned across the table and my poor nipple lightly grazed the table through my shirt and I gasped. OW OW OW

Not cool. To top it off, AF still isn't here - I tested yesterday on an internet cheapy and I don't think it worked. It stayed completely blank forever, the color not spreading across the test area, and then about 5 minutes or so later a line developed. If I still haven't started tomorrow I will test again. But no AF and no BFP - should I call my doc about my boobs? They've seriously NEVER hurt this bad.

Any suggestions?

Answers!

Here are the answers to this weeks Q&A:

1) From Bobbi: Is IVF something you will ever consider?

Yes. While J and I both hope that this will never be medically necessary, it is something we'd consider. Because our insurance does not help much in this area, and as we all know it isn't cheap, this would be a pretty long term plan. Probably something we'd consider more if we still haven't conceived for another couple years.

Unless we won the lotto or something. :)

2) From Kakunaa: What is the craziest thing you ever did on a dare?

Skinny dipping for sure! There were boys there! I was 16 and probably will never be that gutsy again...

3) From cowgirltn: Who was your 1st love?

You know that boy? The one you knew when you were 13 and you swore he would be the love of your life? The one that isn't any good for you and treated you like dirt? Yeah, I had one of those. I thought for a couple of years after he did me wrong that he was my first love. Until I met J. Boy did that give me some perspective. J is my first and only true love.

4) From Krista: When are you coming to NC to see me?

You have no idea how badly I want to come! Can you imagine the shenanigans we could get into!? And the L-B's I would gain after eating your amazing cooking!? It would totally be worth it... I wonder what airfare would cost.... Uh oh! lol

5) From Jessica: With regards to IF, how far would you go in the pursuit of getting pregnant? As far as what treatments you would consider.

Probably IVF. What I am strongly considering now (for after our break is over) is pursuing alternative medicine in addition to seeing the RE. For example, I've heard excellent things about acupuncture and I would love to give that a try. When we pick back up after our rest, I want to hit this hard and from all angles. Limiting, if we can, this long drawn out torture we've experienced so far. If that means vitamins, herbs, acupuncture, supplements, injections, etc - I'm in.

6) From Musewander: What was your favorite part of life pre-IF that you loved, and possibly miss?

My ignorance. I have learned a tremendous amount about fertility and my body over the last two years. That eduction is something I truly value. However, I can distinctly remember these moments from my pre-TTC days when I would watch my husband play with our nieces and nephews and my heart would swell with the idea of him being a father. I would be giddy with thoughts and plans. Never once a second thought for the challenge of conceiving. Just blissful ignorance. J still plays with the many children in our life. My heart still swells with the thought of him being a father, but not it is accompanied by a painful ache. I miss my ignorance.

What is one thing that nobody knows about you, or that no one would expect you've done?

GOOD QUESTION. That's a tough one though... J knows probably all there is to know.

Well since J was there, he knows this one, but VERY few other people (2?) know this... When J and I were younger, and a bit more adventurous, we visited a state park. (No, that isn't the adventurous part.) We happened to stumble across an old fort. I'm not sure what it was about this old fort, but it got us all worked up. So, right there, in the middle of the day, with a peek-a-boo view of the water and even a few people in the far distance, we cured what ailed us - if you get my drift. It's a damn good thing that park wasn't crowded.

7) From Deanna: Where do you imagine yourself in 10 years with your family, career, home?

My dream is that in 10 years we will have two children. I will have left this job and be working full time doing something creative. I'm working on getting my photography business up and running and have dreams of selling my wares (prints, cards, even jewelry, headbands, etc - crafty stuff). I love the home we're in now. I have a huge back yard that the dogs love. It is centered between the local schools, super close to the lake... However, since I was a kid I have been collecting floor plans, pictures, features, etc for the house that I want to build someday. It would be great to have at least started this process within the next 10 years. Even if we're just looking for that perfect piece of land.

Feel free to add more if you'd like. I'm always happy to update this!

Happy Birthday to ME!

Today happens to be the day that my mother gave birth to me. A couple weeks late in a record hot summer. Yup, you got it right, I've been a pain in the ass from the get-go.

In honor of my birth I'm going to relay to you a quick story my mom likes to tell... It was early August (8th or 9th) and a mama was pregnant with a little girl and it happened to be her due date. Instead of pushing, sweating, and getting ripped in half (which would come soon) at the hospital, she was sitting at home, in her underwear. Outside. In the kiddy pool. It was oppressively hot and she was crying. She was DONE carrying this child (aka - ME) around. Her father in law and his good friend happened to stop by (she had no shame that this point hanging out in her underoos) and tried to console her. FIL's friend said, "Well you'd better get used to it, because she's not going to be born until my birthday!" "When is that?" mama replied.

"August 25th."

Mama sobbed.

Guess what folks? He was right. I was laaate and I came out when I was damn good and ready. Which happened to be once the heat wave was over. ;)

So, while I'm busy eating cake (What diet?! Everyone knows there is no such thing as calories on the day you were violently squeezed through the birth canal!), you can just keep adding questions to my previous post. Answers are coming tomorrow!

Peace, Love, and Cake,
Mrs.S

Q&A Time!

I spent the day volunteering at a local children's museum and I'm plum tuckered out. 8 hours of scrubbing, cleaning, washing, etc. Phew! Instead of me deciding what to chat about today, let's leave that up to you! It has been quite awhile since I did a post like this, and never before during ICLW! Here's how it'll go down, Step 1) you ask me ANY question about me, my experiences with IF, or... well... anything! Step 2) I answer them in a new post. Simple!

So, have at it! Don't hold back. What would you like to know?

Welcome August ICLW!

For those that are new to these parts - Welcome! A synopsis of our TTC journey, see the Dates to Remember on the left. Basically we've been TTC since September 2008. I have PCOS and a recent pink slip from my doc. We were told that we'll need to see an RE, which we've been avoiding because it isn't covered by insurance. Instead, we've decided to take a break. Active TTC will resume in a few months. In the mean time I'm going to focus my efforts on my other struggle - weight loss. UGH!

Feel free to kick off your shoes and stay awhile. I've 'met' so many wonderful women blogging. Some in the same boat as me, and others with a slightly different story, but all of us connected through IF. Please comment and I'll try and drop by your place too. Happy ICLW!

My Funk.

I'm sorry that it has been a week since I have written. I am blaming it on my current state of funk. Before I dive in today I want to say that I have checked back and read all of the beautiful comments on my last post. You all are amazing, supportive, wonderful women and I love ya, plain and simple. It means more to me than you know to have such great people in my corner.

I have been insanely busy since I was here last. First my in-laws were in town for two days, and then my own aunt and uncle were here for the next three. Mix in there the usual running around, birthday parties, an insane week at work, etc and I've been a little like chicken with my head cut off. The only positive side is that for the most part I've been distracted from my own mind. Only a few times in the last week - 1) a sweet conversation with an old friend I will tell you about in a minute here, 2) the two separate occasions where we were asked the unavoidable 'when are you having kids?', and 3) only to top #2 - 'I thought you two were going to have a baby?' - did I even have time to think about the deep ache in my heart. There is something to be said for distractions.

Now to that sweet conversation I mentioned a second ago. Growing up, quite a few of my closest friends were guys. I had enough of my own drama that I think I liked to surround myself occasionally with someone other than a pack of like-minded dramatic girls. It's probably how I survived ages 14-18 living with my mom, sister, and grandmother in a house with one bathroom (trust me - it was worse than it even sounds.).

But, I digress - one particular such male friend is Ry. He and I became fast friends when I was about 14. We'd talk on the phone for hours discussing his girl trouble, hang out at a friends house, or play video games (family feud on Super Nintendo was our favorite!) while he emptied our refrigerator. He is like a big brother to me. Ry and I have grown up, been through our trials and tribulations, and as is the case with most old friends, we just don't see each other enough. There is work, relationships, schedules, etc. Thankfully we have a number of mutual friends and manage to connect once a month or so.

Last weekend we were all at a friends house and Ry and another friend of ours had a disagreement. Nothing major, but Ry was upset. When he calmed down we sat on the porch with another friend and talked like old times. Something that came out of this good ol' fashion heart to heart was that he knew of our IF struggles. 'Don't be upset,' he said, 'but I know what you and J have been going through.' Of course I wasn't upset. It isn't that I didn't trust him or ever want to confide in him, but the time was just never right. We can't exactly have a good conversation in the middle of 15 of our other friends/family at the hockey game and say 'Oh, and about my broken lady parts....' To be honest, I'm glad he knew. That I didn't have to have that conversation. To see the look in the eyes of another person I care about as I explain our long road. We had a few minutes to ourselves towards the end of our chat and what did we do? We had ourselves a good cry. He rubbed my back and told me that he just knew it would work itself out. That I wasn't broken. That someday I was going to make a great mom. We talked about the break we're taking and the stress of the last two years. It felt like I was 16 and talking to my best friend on the phone. Except this time it was about the status of my uterus and not the boy he was trying to convince me to go to prom with. lol

Friends are priceless. Whether you have practically been siblings since you were 14, or if you've never even 'met' but over the interwebs, friends are how we survive. While I may still be in the middle of a funk, I cannot imagine the depths I would have sunk to without everyone in my life the last week. From those of you that have commented, called, or emailed, to the ones that have held my hand throughout my life - you are my world. My family. It is because of you that I function each day like a relatively normal human being.

Thank you friends. I am truly blessed.

Uncle

I give.

Instead of this appointment confirming my progress and ending with a shot in my ass, it showed that my follicles had not grown at all. In fact, they were smaller. To say I was crushed is an understatement. No trigger. No IUI.

Doc Oc apologized. We discussed my inconsistent responsiveness to the Femara. He said that he didn't think that there was anything further he could do for me except to give me the card of a doctor (RE) he works closely with at Seattle Reproductive Medicine. He felt that I am 'more complicated' and could benefit from a more aggressive treatment than he could provide. The great part about seeing this OB was that basically everything was covered by my insurance. The RE? Not a chance.

Folks, I got dumped.

There is a big difference between planning to take a break if this cycle doesn't pan out and having the cycle cut short without really ever having a chance. My heart hurts. My eyes are welling up as we speak. That 20 minute drive home, knowing my husband is waiting. Knowing that he's waiting for me to come home and tell him the plan. When is our IUI appointment? What does he need to be prepared for? Those were the questions I went in to the office with today. Questions I still don't have the answer to.

This is where I cry uncle. I feel defeated and beat down. That doesn't quite even cover it. More like I feel drawn and quartered. My heart is in a vice. I called Rachel when I left the office today and bawled. Her advice was to take the time I needed to mourn the close of this particular chapter. That's exactly what I feel like I'm doing - mourning. Mourning the loss of those three little follies that never came to be. The IUI I never got to have. Another month where I could not make my lovely and amazing husband a father.

It is time for us to take a break. To take a giant deep breath and reset. No more doctors appointments, medications, copays, pee sticks, etc. For now. Make no mistake, while we plan to take a good break, we'll be back. Wiser, more prepared, and well rested. Watch your back IF/PCOS. You may have won the battle, but we're going to win this damn war.

Weight

I haven't checked in on this subject in awhile, mostly because I've not gained any progress. I am maintaining, but barely. I know that a general side effect of hormonal meds is weight gain, so while I've been eating okay (could be a bit better) I'm not losing anymore.

It doesn't help that every weekend there is another event - camping, wedding, bachelorette party, birthday party, etc. I do NOT behave well at those events. I can't help it! I'm friends with a lot of skinny chicks and guys. Basically people that can eat whatever they want and look great. Bitches. I unconsciously go along without much thought until the next day when I beat myself up 'WHY did I snack all evening!? Why?!' Not. Worth. It. Except for when it is worth it - like a s'more when you're camping. That doesn't count. ;)

J made a comment tonight after dinner when I said I could go for the smallest something sweet. (My mind went immediately to a jolly rancher or something small.) I remembered that I had this delicious diet root beer that is made with Splenda instead of aspartame. So I asked J if he would share a float with me. In my mind it was a great choice - zero carbs and calories in the soda and if I used 1 scoop of vanilla that would be the only calories/carbs to worry about (150/16). Then we would share it! Decent choice, right? Well, I thought so.

J said 'I don't want to be a douche, but I'm worried that you're not making good choices. You get so down on yourself when you gain weight. You can kind of be a Debbie Downer.' Ouch. I know he was coming from a good place and it was probably hard for him to say, but it was even harder to hear. The hardest part is that he can eat WHATEVER HE WANTS. But then I can't. It's not a big deal for him to grab a pizza if he's busy and running around. But I have to plan my meals and count calories/carbs. It's a crappy double standard. It sucks! As always I'm going to try to be better. Number 1 on that agenda - more frequent exercise. We're really busy all the time, but I wouldn't say we're active. I've got to kick that up a notch.

That's where I am - The Land of Same Ol', Same Ol'.

My Date with Doc Oc

Before I sat down to relax with the hubs, I decided I would knock out the update.

I've got three follicles vying for Folly of the Year. That's the most follicles I've had at any mid-cycle check thus far! Average size was only about 16ish mm (14.5, 16, 17), so they're definitely not ready yet, but we're on our way! Wednesday I go back to check in and get triggered. All goes well and we'll be getting our first IUI on Thursday.

Let's hope it all goes according to plan!

I was relieved to see that things were ticking right along, even if I wasn't feeling anything like I did last month. I've got to STOP this over analytical thing I've got going on. This week will be bringing plenty of distraction as we've got family (on both sides) in town this week/weekend. Next week I am the only manager in our whole office, so hopefully that means the week will go by fast! The weekend after we'll be camping. TONS going on, so bring on the distraction! My birthday will be CD28 and approx 13-14 dpiui.... now the question is - Would you test on your birthday!?

Appt Tonight

I have my mid-cycle scan this evening with Doc Oc. I am feeling very weird about this appointment. I'm not sure if it is just added pressure because 'after this we're taking a break' or what. I'm not feeling very optimistic (I wasn't last month either though) and I am attributing that to the fact that I took my 7.5mg of Femara on CD5-9 instead of 3-7 like I did last month. I don't know, maybe because I got off to a rushed/rough start I'm just being pessimistic. We shall see!

If all goes perfectly, I will be getting triggered tonight (or in the next 1-2 days) and scheduling the IUI.

If you have a spare positive thought, I would sure appreciate it. I'm running a little low on them these days.

What ever will be, will be. What ever will be, will be. < wash, rinse, repeat

My day in a nutshell (a nut sounds tasty)

I'm starving.

I might die.

We have no food in the house.

--Did I mention my impending death?

GROWL < that's my tummy saying hello

--Did I mention my hunger?

Sometimes working from home is totally a pain. I'm not downtown, so I cannot just walk next door and grab a salad.

I caved instead and decided that a bowl of cereal would just have to do for lunch. I get upstairs - no clean bowls. I scrub one up, pour my tasty Lucky Charms (don't judge!), open the fridge - no milk! BAH!

Now I'm back to the drawing board. And STARVING... wait, I mentioned that? Sorry, I'm dieing here, so that must mean that in death you start forgetting things.

Is it weird that my dog's breath just made my stomach growl again? Yeah, that's definitely weird.

Is this God's way of telling me I could skip a meal or 10?? God is that you??


::Mrs.S disappears into the white light::


(PS - I totally won't judge you if this interlude into my psyche scares you off for good. Dangerous territory in there.)

Game Plan

When my life gets crazy and hectic (i.e. Now) I rely heavily on lists. Check lists, wish lists, to do lists, grocery lists, hit lists... okay scratch that one... you get the idea. When I returned from my vacation my IF list included prescription refills, calling the doc, making an appointment (or two), etc. (Don't get me started on the laundry, clean out our gear, bathe the dog list... ::shudder::)

After compiling my to-do's for the week I had a brief heart-to-heart with J. Basically if my life doesn't slow down I might combust. Spontaneous. On the carpet or somewhere equally inconvenient, thus adding 'get carpets cleaned' to J's To-Do list. But I digress... We've been operating at warp speed and I need to take it down a notch. We've been doing amazingly fun things this summer and I don't feel I'm enjoying any of it because we are always go-go-go. I said it was like eating out at a fancy restaurant every night. It sounds great, but after awhile it would lose that 'special' vibe and really just strain the checkbook. My fun activities are starting to feel like chores and that is not okay to me.

He agreed 110%. Thank goodness. Now, where does that leave us on our TTC journey. Short term? We're going forward as planned with this cycle. If I ovulate we're going to pursue IUI. No last minute change of plans, we're going for it. We're all in. Puttin' it all out there. If we're successful then that is beyond wonderful. No more need for this particular discussion because 'everything else' just got dropped a notch on the list of priorities.

If we are not successful? Then we will have tried our hardest for two full years. That fact, that two year 'anniversary' is sitting on my chest like an overweight pachyderm. If we're not successful, we have decided to take a break. Not just 'let's skip this cycle and take a breather' either. We'll pull all medical assistance aside until about the first of the new year. I don't want to put a hard and fast date on it because if we're truly ready before then, we'll go for it.

I'm scared. I'm scared we'll get pregnant and I'll never get to slow down again in my life. And I'm scared that we won't get pregnant and our dreams will be put on hold even further. These decisions are hard and scary and I hate that we have to make them at all.

Home from Camping

AF arrived Thursday evening. Let's just get that out of the way. I was upset. And then I drank. That about sums it up.

After we got that out of the way we had a great weekend on the coast camping this weekend. We did a TON of hiking, ate great food, and hung out with some super great friends. The hiking was exactly what I needed. We got up Friday morning and hiked a trail that took us to the coast (near La Push where part of Twilight takes place, I might add!) it was about 7 miles round trip. We saw eagles, deer, and lots of sea creatures since we made it to the coast by low tide. It was beautiful.

Saturday was a repeat, but we took a different trail that took us a few miles north of Friday's hike. We did another 8 miles (roundtrip) to the coast and back. When we were done I was POOPED, but in the greatest way. I felt accomplished and relaxed. I got just the nature fix that I needed.

The tricky part with this whole adventure was that we were completely out of cell range. I'm talking it was a good 90 miles to get a signal. So, when I started my period on Thursday I had no way to call the doc and make another appointment. I also couldn't fill my prescription to start on CD3. Soo... tomorrow I will call and see what the game plan will be. Perhaps I'll go back to taking the Femara CD5-9 just for this month. I will report back when I know more!

Thank you for all of your well wishes and hope. I appreciate you all being in my corner. We'll just have to wait and see what next month brings.