Tasty!

Lily has been fixated on food. We cannot eat a thing without her laser guided stare or chubby little fingers reaching for food.

Time to step up our exploration? We think so.

Todays food adventure: cucumber!

It took Lily a moment to explore, but after a few minutes she dove right in. She would watch as I snacked on slices and got very excited when I handed one to her. Granted, not a lot actually made it in her mouth, but that's not what it's about! She's all about the discovery.

Next up? Carrots (steamed) and avocado!

Not so Superbowl...

Lily was thoroughly unimpressed. She slept for awhile through quite a commotion!

However, she did try her first solid food!
A little celery to him on during the game. First food at the Superbowl... Pretty fitting!

'Mama'

As I mentioned before, Lily loves to mimic sounds and facial expressions. She watches you so fiercely and you can just see her piece it together, coordinating her lips and tongue to blow a raspberry back at you. It's amazing to watch.

Last week she was in her high chair making a ruckus. If she starts making a consistent noise we'll repeat it back and use words with that sound, etc. To my pleasant surprise ma-ma-ma-ma was the sound of the day! I have this adorable video from that night! At the time she was just exploring sound and not making any associations.

Today I was home a bit early and needed to make a call for work. She was quietly playing in her crib while I stepped into the dining room. A few minutes later she starts to fuss and before I can wrap up what I'm doing, she cries. How did this cry start? "Maaaaaamaaaa" you bet your sweet tush I hauled it to her room.

That's right, baby girl! Mama's here!

Smiles

I took these photos a couple weeks ago and love them. They are my desktop background and the photos I show off when asked about Lily. Yes, she really is that happy 90% of the time!

5 Months

I've been meaning to post this for over a week and I've just found a moment to do so!

Lily is 5 months old now and the time had just flown by. We are establishing a pretty good daily routine and each day is a tiny but less chaos than the one before it. While she isn't sleeping well during the day, daycare is going wonderfully. She loves watching the kids (hence the not sleeping!) and playing with her toys. The providers already tell us how much they'll miss her over the weekend. We made the right choice and we feel so good about it.

Developmentally, of course, Lily is a genius. Doesn't every mom think so?? She's doing very well and I can already see she's learning at daycare. Lily is making tons of sounds... ma-ma, ba-ba, blowing raspberries, motorboat lips, singing-cant think of what else to call it, squeals, and my favorite - her laugh. The real giggles and the fake laugh she does. If she wants attention and you're not giving it to her, she'll squawk at you!

Lily loves her jumperoo. She gets in that thing and jumps like a maniac. Not always the most convenient thing for a baby that still spits up quite a bit, btw. She sings and laughs for up to 45 minutes. People, I was able to paint my nails while I was home alone. Yes, gasping was the appropriate response. Jumperoo, FTW!

At daycare they have an exersaucer. While I haven't seen it yet, I guess she's motoring around pretty good! But, only backwards. It's those strong jumping legs that propel her back!

A couple weeks ago Lily rolled over (tummy to back). I am thrilled to have gotten this on video. We didn't do it for a couple days and I feared she had forgotten how, but she's back to doing it again. "You mean this gets me out of the dreaded tummy time?? Hell yeah!" Tummy time is going better. She'll do almost 10minutes before she starts to protest. She's starting to spin as she tries to figure out her hands and legs. She's sooo very close to rolling from back to front. It's the silly lower arm that's always in the way!

She's grasping toys, putting absolutely everything in her mouth, and her recent favorite... Chucking things out of her high chair or car seat, exersaucer, jumperoo...

Lily absolutely loves our phones. She grab for them, hitting the screen, and she'll snuggle in for a good slides show of photos of herself! The phone is beat out only by books and her dogs. She's started reaching for them, grabbing at their faces and ears, and they love it. Lacey will hit the floor, roll on her back, and stare at Lily while she does tummy time. They're going to be best friends.

Lily loves her daddy to pieces. She can't take her eyes off of him when he's in the room. She'll hear him while she's nursing and stop to find where he is. He'll dance and sing for her and she just giggles at his silliness. It's such a blessing to watch their relationship grow.

In just a couple weeks we are going to be starting real food! We are considering Baby Led Weaning(Feeding). I would love to hear any experience/resources you may have!

I am perhaps the luckiest Mama in all of the world. My girl is smart, sweet, so happy, and simply beautiful. I didn't think I could ever love to this capacity. Boy am I happy to be wrong.

I love you, Lily Bean.

Finally.

After 5 months to the day, I have finally experienced that blissful moment that you always find pictured in an article about breastfeeding.

It was 7:00 a.m. and Lily and I were getting up for the day. She was all smiles and not at all demanding of her breakfast. We were chatting with her daddy and kissing her sweet cheeks before we settled in to the glider in her nursery. She snuggled in and latched on without much interference from me and got right down to business.

Like a pro, I could barely feel Lily at all. She's gotten good at this, I thought. Not a moment later, she started sighing. I tilted my head so that she and I could see eye to eye. It was only a month or so ago that she even noticed I was up there while she was eating. We locked eyes and she smiled. It was a brief moment, one that she ended by reaching up, touching my face, and returning to the task at hand.

It was effortless, we connected, and I choked back a tear. This is what I fought all those weeks for. That one moment. I hope to never forget it.

This time is ours. It's private and only for us. It's part of our bond. Our foundation together. Part of what makes us, us. For only she and I truly know what it took for us to find this place.

Pregnancy MUSTs

Now that my pregnancy is a few months in the rear-view mirror, it is a fantastic experience to think back and remember it fondly. There are even days now that I miss my big ol' belly (my belly now is of an entirely different, not so fabulous, kind). Yes, my pregnancy had its tribulations - the bleeding scare, pneumonia, a displaced rib, hip pain... you know, fun stuff. But overall it was a very happy time for me. I felt prepared, at peace, and calm. Like I was finally on the right track.

There were a couple of things I did (and one or two I didn't and wish I did) that I feel really worked well for us. And now we are blessed with a few friends that are expecting little people and I am simply GIDDY to be able to share my own mommy-wisdom with someone else. After all this time, it's a bit of a trip actually.

On with the list!

1. A mom friend. People, I am all for being an independent woman. I like to program my own damn electronics, thankyouverymuch. However, I think women in general have done themselves a real disservice, at least I did, by not spending more time building their village. The old adage that "It takes a village to raise a child" could not be more true. You need a confidant. A mommy who's been there and done that. No, your experience will NOT be like hers, good or bad, count on that now. Don't use her experience to establish expectations, but use her instead as a sympathetic ear, an expert on what baby gear is a must and whats overpriced garbage, and you'll certainly want a cheerleader in those last couple of hard weeks. Don't even get me started on how invaluable these people are after your wee-one arrives, that's an item for a whole different list. And for God sake, stop feeling like a burden! I love sharing my experiences when I can and to do that AND help a friend? I wouldn't think twice. Plus, if you're bugging me, I won't hesitate to tell you you're being a crazycakes. 

2. A body pillow. Remember Tony Danza? Admittedly, J was not the biggest fan of sharing his bed with my new love. But Tony literally saved my ass. Well, technically my hips and back, but you get the idea. Things, they are a changin' and that especially applied to my joints. Having a plush, supportive pillow (I swear by my Snoogle.) was key. There are others out there that aren't as plush, so if that floats your boat, have at it. Also, washing the cover for my Snoogle was a royal pain in my previously-achy backside. It's worth it, but you've been warned. Also, they can be a bit pricey. Check for sales and coupons!

3. A photographer. There will be a day, sometime in your mid-30ish-weeks that you start to feel like a blimp. Pregnancy is beautiful and growing a child is a miracle topped by nothing else, but damn you won't feel as 'glowy' as everyone says you look. Take at least one day in the beginning of your third trimester, erase that mess from your mind, and have your picture taken. Can't afford it? Check Craigs.list or something similar for a student looking to build their portfolio, or have a friend that just got a new shiny DSLR for Christmas take pictures of you and your partner. The day before I had mine taken, I almost backed out. I cried, felt ginormous, and almost cancelled my pre-paid session. Can I tell you that I am SO happy I didn't? I will forever treasure these:

4. Maternity wardrobe staples. At least one cozy dress, yoga pants, and a bra to sleep in. I just passed my long cotton beautiful dress down to own of my best pals and my yoga pants? You bet your sweet ass I still wear those once a week. Ooooh yeah. Their the best. And there will more than likely be a point at which your boobs are tender and angry. That point for me was conception through sometime a couple months ago. A good sports bra or sleeping bra is a life saver.

5. A Doula. If you can afford this type of support, I highly recommend it. Our doula happens to be my very best pal. They are trained, educated, and handy as all hell. Mine did personal childbirth education classes in our home, answered my thousand questions a day, and was there during about 45 of my 53 hours of labor. If your husband is anything like mine (i.e. not a huge fan of discussing vaginas, and its various functions during labor, with an entire group of strangers, home childbirth education was awesome.) She helped us through all of the decisions we had to make. She didn't make them for us, or pressure us one way or the other, but she was an incredible source of knowledge as we talked through pros-cons, etc.This should be right up there with a good mom friend. It can change your life. (Doula Match)

6. A good chiropractor/masseuse. Speaking of life changing! Remember that displaced rib I was talking about? My chiropractor specializes in treating pregnant women and babies - he saved my damn life. Thankfully chiropractic treatments are covered by my insurance, so regular visits kept me much more comfortable. Especially toward the end. Your body is actually a professional contortionist, whether you knew it or not. You'd think your joints loosening and getting more flexible would feel good - but it doesn't. Nope! Not to mention, especially toward the end, you'll be carrying more weight than you're used to, your gait changes, etc, etc, etc. If your insurance covers this, take advantage!

lastly....

7. A journal. Pregnancy is filled with highs and lows. For me, this outlet with priceless. Wax eloquent about your pregnancy, your relationships.. make lists, check off names, write down questions for your next doctor/midwife appointment. Get that stuff out of your head. This really helped me sleep at night. Mostly, it helped me keep the peace. When I got all of the STUFF out of my head, I could focus on quality time with my husband, and more communication with my baby. I would talk to her (out loud and in my mind), rub my belly, day dream... without all of my worries or to-do's floating around messing it up. A huge bonus is that it is really fun to look back at.

I am certain there are many more things out there that can help someone through pregnancy. These happen to be my MUSTs. What were yours? What was it that you couldn't have survived without? A steady diet of ice cream? That probably should have been my #8... Let's hear it!

Labor and Newborn lists to follow soon!

Happy Holidays!

Christmas was amazing this year. J and I took the week leading up to Christmas off, just to have family time. We saw Santa, visited family, and mostly just hung out with Lily. I couldn't possibly feel more in the holiday spirit.

Lily had her 4 month check up last week and she's perfect! She is almost 26" long and 15lbs, 6oz. The girl is tall! Even when I hold her to nurse or rock her, I get tangled up in her long legs. She's growing like a weed and has changed so much in the last few weeks. Her awareness, engagement, and even 'talking' has increased a great deal. The only downside to this cognitive development - the dreaded 4 Month Wakeful period (4MW). Baby girl does NOT want to nap. Granted, I am still very lucky, because while she isn't napping much (maybe 20 minutes 2-3x) during the day - she sleeps like a champ at night. 10-12 hours most nights now! ::happydance::

Combine Lily's lack of interest in napping with her first cold, teething, (and her 4mo shots... ugh) and we've had a few rough days recently. Poor thing really hates to have her boogers sucked out. I mean, who does?? It's hard for her to lay flat without mucus draining.

We're starting to find a good stride. With a baby our pace isn't quite as leisurely in the evenings as it used to be, but we're starting to get on top of most things. Last night even ended in a well deserved high-five. After work we managed to make it to the bank, post office, and library before we came home and did three loads of laundry (new toys, Lily clothes, and diapers), vacuumed, cleaned up the rest of the Christmas present boxes, etc, repacked the diaper bag, washed and re-filled bottles, prepped lunches, made dinner (woooooot - Christmas dinner leftovers!), etc, etc. Needless to say, we kicked yesterdays ass.

I think the evenings are getting easier because Lily is more alert. She can sit in her high chair and we can sing while I pack lunches. Or she can play on her mat while I fold her laundry and pack her bag. We're able to be together, without my needing to necessarily hold her every moment. And, as each evening does now, we snuggled up as a family for about 30 minutes of snuggles/tv watching before we started the bedtime routine. My favorite moment of the whole day.

Christmas day for our clan was relaxed and fun. Our parents came over, as did my sister and her boyfriend. We ate breakfast and opened presents with Lily (Son of a Nutcracker that kid is spoiled already). We got her only a couple special toys (stacking rings, a wood elephant shaped puzzle) and a couple little dresses. Our parents? I'm fairly certain they bought every 6m+ toy on the planet. Her stocking was filled with rattles and teethers, links, blocks, fabric toys that light up and sing, and so on. And she was really into it! She was griping the paper, chewing on her new things. I've packed some of them away for later (especially the more advanced toys) and she's still got plenty to keep her entertained until the end of time.

I'll end today with a few more photos. Is she not the cutest damn thing you've ever seen? How did I get so lucky?

 She absolutely loved Santa! We happen to have a fantastic local Santa who's been around FOREVER. 

(he may just be the real thing, I'm just sayin'...)

 Our beautiful girl on Christmas Eve. Cutest of the elves.

Even more than she loves Santa, Lily adores her daddy. This might be my favorite picture in the history of photography. I can retire my camera now. I will never top this one.

I hope that each of you have an amazing holiday season. I wish for you all of the health, happiness, and love in the world. Love and hugs to you!

Being a working mom.

I'm certainly not the first person in the world to be a working parent. I'm also not the first one to have a hard time with it either.

The last month has actually gone pretty well. We were finding a fairly decent groove. J is incredibly helpful in the evenings to make sure that we've repacked the diaper bag, diapers are washed, Lily's laundry is done, bottles are remade... not to mention our own dinner, etc. It's a lot, but we've been surviving. Yesterday I attended a training class, which left me working about two hours later than normal and sitting in about an extra hour of traffic to get home. Not to mention we'd had a bit of a childcare crisis during the day, so I coordinated having my mom pick her up (thank goodness!!), so that I didn't have to leave class. It was a 12 hour day. That fact, coupled with just being SO TIRED, I was a mess last night.

My dad called on the drive home and kept me company through the stop-n-go. We chatted about silly things (the great prices on the new computer he wants from Costco - good deal! lol) and then asked how "his Lily" was doing. "She's absolutely wonderful." I had recently posted this photo:

My dad mentioned that my uncle, who is on FB, showed the picture to my grandma. "She is just so proud of you." He said. "Who would ever think of doing such a sweet thing?" (Well, actually Grams, everyone on the internet, but she doesn't know that. lol) My dad proceeded to tell me how proud he was of me. How amazing J and I have been with Lily and how love and lucky our daughter is. I bawled.

I probably would have cried anyway, because when your tough dad tells you he's proud of you, you shed a tear. That's just how that goes. But I'd had a long, fairly stressful, day away from my baby - so I was in a bit of a state as it was.

He asked if I was going to be okay and then told me to suck it up, because I was driving after all. Safety first! We talked quite awhile about how hard it is to be away. I don't have any other choice, but still. Not to mention the crazy amount of money we get to pay for daycare so that someone else can snuggle up to her sweet face.

We've previously covered how I'm a bit Type-A, and we've waited a long time for these moments, so I don't want to miss them and frankly I really want to kick ass at being a mom. I want beautiful family photos. A gorgeous first Christmas. A baby book to be proud of. I want to sew and create beautiful things for my daughter... that list is endless. Now here comes the 'but' -

THERE IS NEVER ENOUGH TIME. Or energy for that matter.

I need to adjust the expectations I have for myself. This year, I ordered my cards through TinyPrints, instead of making my own in PhotoShop like I'd dreamed of doing. I used candid photos instead of having them professionally done or taking the time to shoot them myself. Basically, I have to compromise. I can't be the perfect super mom. And the sad part is, no one is pressuring me to be perfect, except me.

Being a stellar employee at work, and a wonder woman at home, sounds great. But in reality, it's burnout waiting to happen. Where is the quality of life there?

It took me a month, but this working mom thing finally caught up to me. Smacked me right upside the head. So, I'm learning. I'm trying to adjust. For now, I'm just going to have to do the best I can and that's going to have to be good enough.

My bathroom is going to stay a little messier while I rock my daughter. We'll be getting dressed from the laundry basket, because it won't get put away while I'm relaxing with my family. The only thing I need to fit in, is more time with J. We're both running 1000mph and thankfully, it is in the same direction, side-by-side. But we need to be husband and wife too. Not just parents. That's first on the to-do list. After I love on my sweet Lily a little longer.

Sleep

I love my sleep. Folks, it's my #1 hobby. Naturally, I'm not getting a lot of it these days. Especially since I returned to work.

Last night we got to bed a little later than normal (9:30). Lily ate well and immediately passed out hard - that good sleep where their limbs just hang loose? Love that.

Typically we're up at least once a night - usually somewhere around 12-1 a.m.

Color me surprised when I rolled over to look at the clock at it said 3 am! She was still asleep!! I get up at 3:30 and don't get her up to feed her until 4 - and she was still asleep!

MY BABY SLEPT THROUGH THE NIGHT!

::cheers::

J came in the nursery while I was feeding her at about 4:15. Just as he does every morning for a good morning smooch for Lily and I. "How was last night?" And I proceded to smile big and tell him it was excellent - we slept all night! What did we do? Mini dance party of course!

Granted, for most normal people, 4am is not sleeping through the night... but still! It is for me, so I'll take it!

I couldn't think of a better way to celebrate her turning 3 months this weekend.

Breastfeeding

I know I've talked quite a bit about my experience here, but now that things are going smoothly, I thought I'd revisit everything as a whole.

1. Breastfeeding is HARD
Some folks make it look so easy. They're practically glowing while their child happily (and always calmly) eats away. They're feeding in carriers while they clean their house or grocery shop. Always smiling and looking loving at their beautiful baby.

Reality isn't so picture perfect. There is a learning curve. Positioning can be tricky (especially when you give birth to a baby that is basically two feet long already!). Latching (and re-latching and re-latching) is something that takes practice for you AND baby. Sometimes it isn't convenient, but nursing in her glider is the best place for us. Anywhere else and it just isn't quite right yet.

2. Breastfeeding is EMOTIONAL
There is a strong emotional tie associated with feeding our children. That's our duty as mothers. Whether it is breast or bottle, nourishing them is in our DNA. When that's not going well - problems breast feeding, having trouble finding the right formula - it's not only frustrating, but practically impossible not to take it personally. Let's not forget that those problems are usually added on top of postpartum hormones.

3. Breastfeeding can be PAINFUL (but it SHOULDN'T BE)
You hear about other peoples experiences and very commonly you hear, "Oh yes, I had the typically chapped nipples and soreness the first few weeks." So we're conditioned to think that is normal.

It's not.

Breastfeeding should not be painful at all! When I had soreness in the beginning I thought that sort of thing was normal. That we were just getting broken in. It should have been when I took action. But because I thought it was normal it took me WEEKS to seek help. Weeks of unnecessary frustration, for me and for Lily.

Now that we've survived 6 weeks with a tongue tie, mastitis, thrush, etc etc, I am so thrilled that things are finally going well. People (wonderful, beautiful people) kept telling me to stick with it. That it could and would get better. And it was such a hard thing to hear when you're in the thick of it. You're tired, frustrated, in pain... you don't want to wait for it to be better someday. You want it better now. 

I thought about quitting exactly 9000 times. And there were a few things that kept me going.

1. Breast is best. It really is the absolute best thing for your baby. The ultimate super food. How could you not do everything you could to try and make it work?

2. (and I'm not proud of this fact) I'm cheap. Formula can be expensive! We've had a lot of life changes in the last 6 months and with the cost of childcare topping $1000.00 every month - we need to save where we can.

3. It's convenient. I don't need to back formula and bottles. The only cans I need to carry around are the ones in my (now larger by 2+ sizes - ugh) bra. It's hard to beat that.

4. I'm stubborn as a mule. I do not like to fail. And I know that breastfeeding doesn't work for everyone and there is nothing wrong with formula. But I have a strong desire to breastfeed. I WANT that. And when I set out to do something, I don't want to be told I can't. I've always fought tooth and nail to get what I want in this life. Especially for our baby. (Three plus years of infertility struggles teaches you a little persistence.)

5. Lastly - my village. My daughter would be formula fed and I would be in therapy and on meds if it wasn't for my circle. The support Lily and I received is nothing short of a miracle. My IBCLC was a rock star. Texting at all hours. Checking in. Literally giving me hugs while I cried. She kicks ass. Period.

My friends are first class. I could not have better friends in my life. Friends that live 1200 miles away to friends that live in my town. I receive phone calls, texts, emails, etc filled with encouragement, tips, and love love love. They opened up their resources to me. Rachel especially. I owe her so much. She's who donated her own breast milk so that I didn't have to continue giving Lily formula. How amazing is that? Love that woman.

I am happy to report that my crazy broken boobs are healed. I no longer have sores. I no longer have any pain. My supply is crazy awesome. It's a miracle.

IT CAN BE DONE.

I am now making enough to feed Lily and put away at least one meal a day. I have approximately 100 ounces in my freezer. In less than a month I built that stash! It's more than we'll need for quite awhile, but I have a new goal. Someday I want to do for another mama what my bestie Rachel did for me. I want to donate my milk to help someone else and their baby. To be a lifeline for another woman struggling to find her way.

You don't have to be a crazy stubborn pain in the ass like me. Giving your baby formula IS FINE. I was formula fed and damnit I think I turned out pretty darn good! But, if you want this. If you want to breastfeed your baby - don't give up. If you're not getting what you need from your current support - seek out more! Email me! No new mama should be left to struggle on her own. It's a lonely dark place meant for unmentionable creatures, not pretty mamas and gorgeous babies. Get out of that place!

Our experience isn't perfect every time, but now I am finally getting a glimpse at what those 'other women' are feeling as they get to gaze at their babies. So so much better than wincing.

YAY for Boobies!

Back to the Grind.

This week is my first week back to work full time. It's been a huge adjustment and we're still working through it.

Last week was the first time I had to drop my baby off to spend the day with someone else. Dropping her off was really hard, but I am so grateful I have two girlfriends willing to help us out until the end of the year. That buys me some more time before I have to put her in real daycare. I take so much comfort in knowing that she's with people we know and trust. I didn't cry that first day until J called to ask how it went. Instantly my heart ached. I just miss her. If I think about her though I can still smell her.

These first few days in the office have gone by really fast. That certainly helps! Until the end of the year, J is doing the drop offs and I am doing the pick ups. That has really helped me transition. It feels better to feed her, give her a few snuggles, kiss her goodbye and lay her in her own bed before I leave. Then J can pack her up and drop her off. Leaving her with him hasn't been as hard.

I'm very lucky to love my job and coworkers. If I was still loathing my job like I was in my old position, it would be impossible for me to have made this switch back. Not that we can afford any other option! I'm comforted by my friends here and have so much support from my managers. It helps that in my first few days back all anyone wants to do when they see me is ask about Lily. :)

Pumping at work has gone really well. We have a health room and only two other moms here are using them, so there haven't been any issues. I'm always the most full first thing in the morning. Last week I got 8oz one morning and 10 the next! WHOA! That sure beats the hell out of the 2oz I was getting MAX 5 or 6 weeks ago.

Breastfeeding is going much much better. Rarely do I have any discomfort, my supply is clearly back and thriving, and unless we're out and about, it's really gotten to be almost second nature. Almost. :)

Life has been a little crazy preparing for my getting back to work, so I never shared Lily's Halloween costume! Brace yourself for cuteness overload:

Is she not the cutest elephant you've ever seen? Don't worry, I made sure to smother those chubby cheeks with all the smooches they could handle.

Settling In Only to Change Again

Just as we start to find our stride as a pair, I am now preparing to go back to work. Next week will be my last week of leave. Noooooo!

Breast feeding is going much better. It isn't always perfect, but I think we've found a groove we can sustain. Each night J gives Lily a bottle (or two) while I pump and it gives me a little break. Also, my supply is doing so well! During one of my pumping sessions on Tuesday - I got 6 ounces! It feels so amazing to be storing away milk in the freezer, when a couple weeks ago I couldn't produce enough to feed her a full meal. Amazing what a little stick-to-itness will get you. Or, I probably should say, amazing what being to damn stubborn to quit when people tell you that you don't have to fight so hard... that's another story. We're doing great! I have over 60 ounces in the freezer and feeling good about my stash.

Quick question: How much milk was in your freezer stash when you went back to work? How did you store it, in what quantities?

As I mentioned, I head back to work the week of 10/29. It will be a fairly relaxed week back (Monday: off, Tues/Wed: half days from home, Thursday: half day in office, Friday: full day in office). I am hoping to regularly work from home at least one day a week going forward. Perhaps even looking into a 4x10's situation, but we'll see, that can make for some long days.

I am feeling ready to return. I've always thought that I would want to be a stay at home mom if I could, but after being on leave, I just don't think that it is for me. I didn't realize before that I found such a sense of pride and got so much satisfaction/happiness from a job well done, exceeding goals, and getting praise for my work. I'm competitive and my drive just isn't satisfied at home. Don't get me wrong, staying home is HARD WORK. Maybe that's part of it, it's too hard. lol But, it also isn't an option for our family, so maybe it's also what I tell myself to make going back okay. I am going to miss Lily like crazy during the day. If I could strap her to my back and take her with me, I totally would.

Luckily, I love my coworkers. I work with an amazing group of super supportive women (and one guy). They're great leaders and I am learning a ton every day. Plus, frankly, I kick ass at my job. My last reviews have been the best I've ever had. And to have people you admire so greatly tell you that you're awesome? Yeah, I'll take it. Daily.

I am a bit anxious about what our new routine will look like. It takes us forever to get out the door right now and J and I both work early shifts (6:00 - 2:30 for me). We also each work about 40 minutes away from home. So that means I would get up at (wait for it...) 3:50 a.m. Now, I will have to nurse Lily, etc and I'll probably be looking at getting up at about 3:30 a.m. At least... ::breathsintopaperbag::

Fake it 'til you make it, right?

Just as we start to get used to each other and find our grove, the setting changes. Time to relearn and adapt to a new way.  

Times, they are a changin'

Finding our stride.

I feel like Lily and I are finding our breast feeding stride. It isn't perfect yet - my nipple still isn't completely healed, and she doesn't always have the best latch, but we're getting there. I've been exclusively breast feeding for a week now. My confidence has wavered a few times. She has spit up more than I'd like at times and she's been going through a growth spurt that's left her feeling less than satiated some evenings, but all-in-all, we're doing it!

I have been a little stressed about whether or not she's gaining weight. I almost bought a baby scale to make me feel better, but I've tried just not to think about it. I've got to stop stressing the details now that things are going a bit better. She's peeing and pooping, so I've got to have faith that all else is working itself out.

This morning we had a bit of an 'episode' I'll call it. She was falling asleep at the boob when she started to spit up, I think it caught her off guard a bit and caused her to cough it up. In the spit up was spots of blood (red) and it startled me quite a bit. She otherwise seemed fine and was asking to nurse a minute later. A few hours later I nursed again and this time it wasn't spots, but about 20 minutes after I nursed, there was clotty chunks of blood.

I kind of freaked out for a minute, but checked over what I knew - she'd had the frenotomy last week, but looking in her mouth the site was good and she had no other marks. She's been a little sleepy and I've had a cold - maybe she caught that? Reaction to something I've taken or eaten?

I called the pediatrician and got an appointment for the afternoon and we laid low. I chatted with my contacts, including my lactation consultant. While we talked through the details (was I bleeding? How was she acting? etc) we landed on the fact that she probably burst a blood vessel when she coughed up her breakfast. Fast forward to out appointment - confirmed - thank goodness! Before could even tell him too much, he described how it's really easy for something like that to happen and it will quickly clot. Which explains why it was clotty the second time. He gave her a good once over and declared her perfectly fine. Phew!

I swear, this child is going to give me a heart attack before she can even sit up on her own.

The silver lining though - it wasn't breast feeding this time! lol

Bigger silver lining? He weighed her - 11 pounds 13 ounces. That's a gain of 13 ounces in 13 days!

I gave myself a quiet little pat on the back for sticking to it. Even with the ups and downs, we're doing our best and we haven't given up just yet. Let's just hope the trend continues and this week is better than the last.

Learning

Watching Lily learn is amazing. It isn't always anything grand, but watching her do things like discover the mobile on her swing... it makes my world. Making simple facial expressions and having her mimic them? I squeal! Laying her on her activity mat and watching her smile at herself in the mirror and reach up and hit the toys? I almost cried. Singing her songs and her locking eyes with J or I and smiling - I could die happy in those moments.

These little moments, where she discovers something we've overlooked a thousand times... they're simply priceless.

Even with our trip through breast feeding hell. It's been almost a week since her tongue was clipped and each day she's improving. Sometimes you can see her get frustrated. Her brow gets furrowed and she drops my nipple, but the next latch or the one after - it's less frequent. Even when it is frustrating, it is amazing. The little pieces are forming and fitting together. Each coo and grasp, her stares are more focused and less vacant.

Every tiny moment brings such wonder and joy to my life. I simply cannot fathom our little family without her.

4 years ago we started on our path to Lily. 4 years ago we ditched the pill and started dreaming of these days. (funny how 4 years later, within a week, I'm going back on the pill..) The dreams I dreamed don't come close to the feelings I have watching her discover our world. I couldn't have imagined that this level of awesome could exist.

Don't get me wrong, it isn't always easy, but every moment is worth the years it took to bring her to us. Each moment of joy with her erases one of pain and frustration that we experienced bringing her to us. That path taught me so much about myself, my body, my relationships... and now she teaches me more about life every day.

I love this little girl more than the world itself.

All Clear!

I had my six week check up today and got the sign off from Doc Oc. I've healed up nicely, the ol' ute is back to its original self, and I'm healthy as a horse.

We did talk through my feeling down and he was a great listener, as always. He agreed that we'd had a rough go of it (he was impressed we were still fighting the breast feeding battle) and that my feeling down was probably a natural response to the stress and frustration. We agreed that should it get worse or I feel the need for intervention, that I will call or go back in.


I decided to go on the mini-pill. The IUD comes with a number of risks that we just weren't willing to tackle at the moment. A lot of people have really great experiences with them, but with our history of infertility, combined with my uncertainty, we went another way. We'll see how it goes - I haven't been on the pill in years!

Speaking of the breast feeding battle... we are trudging along. It's two steps forward and a step back. Some times she nurses really well and I think we're moving right along and the next time she is chompy, pulling, I'm sore so I don't let down, and then she throws up. Right now I'm just doing my best, taking my supplements, and trying all the tricks I know to keep things going as smoothly as they can while my boob continues to heel and she gets used to working her tongue.

Tonight has been rough. She was fussy, so I fed her, and she threw up. I say threw up and not spit up because of the sheer volume. But, now I'm empty! Thankfully I had a couple ounces in the fridge from pumping last night and was able to top her off. That staved her off for about 45minutes so I tried to nurse her again. She fell asleep at the boob and that lasted about another 15-20minutes before the next complete meltdown. Have you fed your baby, had them spit it all up and then still be hungry? What do you do? 

We get this fussy time about 6-8 every night. It's so hard to see her so upset and not have a good solution. A sweet friend recommended bath time and that has been a lifesaver on more than one occasion. Does your baby have a 'witching hour'? What are your tricks for bringing them around?

I'm off to take my turn at soothing the babe. G'night!

Frenotomy

Today we saw the doctor and had Lily's frenulum clipped. Her doc was really great with her. She responded well to him and he was very gentle with her. The procedure was very brief and he was quick to comfort her when it was over. She barely bled and only cried for a bit. She nursed right away and I immediately felt a difference. The right side felt great. The left side, that still has a bit of a sore, hasn't felt great. I feel like her latch was fine, bit it was probably her suck.

Going forward we are nursing!

Our consultant will be checking in tomorrow and meanwhile we will be doing some exercises to work out the new movement in her tongue. I will still pump if I don't feel empty or if I have any pain. Folks, I don't have an alarm set.

Here we go!

Breast Feeding Update (The NEW Gameplan)

Today I bit the bullet and paid for an IBCLC (Internationally Board Certified Lactation Consultant) to come out to our house. I wasn't truly comfortable with the plan given to me by the consultant at the hospital. After digesting it, it just didn't feel 100% right. Plus, as I started getting her back to breast, I was already feeling sore. Something just wasn't right.

I am so glad I did!

Firstly, she's awesome. We had a great conversation last night, she talked through our experience, familiarized herself with our background, and did her best to see if she could help via phone without charging us at all. In the end, I needed her to come and spend a little bit of time with the two of us. She rearranged her afternoon to ensure that she saw me right away. I think she could tell I was getting desperate.

She was only with us for an hour and already I think we've found our solution. And it's a simple one - Lily is tongue tied. Part of me is pissed off. She had two lactation consultants put hands in her mouth before we even left the hospital - and now we've had two appointments with another... how did they not know this?! Clipping her frenulum takes minutes and could have been done the day after she was born! There was no reason at all for us to struggle, for me to get mastitis... none of it! Her tie is a bit more posterior, so it isn't immediately obvious, but even I could see it once she pointed it out. A trained consultant, that even commented on her holding her tongue back... didn't know?? Maddening.

But, the good news is - we have a fix.

Our new favorite person in the whole world referred us to a doctor that can see us Monday to fix it. Folks, our whole world is about to change. I hope!

Having a game plan feels amazing. Once we wrapped things up, I cried I was so grateful. If this is it, I am going to drive to this woman's house and smother her in kisses.

I appreciate everyone's comments on my last post. It does make me feel better to know that I'm not alone in this. I am going to keep talking about it - I am lucky to have good listeners and this blog when I need a good word-vomit. Otherwise I am going to give myself a little bit of space to see how things go once we are on the mend, breast feeding wise. I think if that major stress can be removed - and I can sleep more consistently - perhaps my overall disposition will improve. But, as one of you suggested, I will get a referral from my doc at my appointment next week. That way I have it should I need it.

Fingers crossed that our time pumping/bottle feeding is limited!

Baby Blues VS. PPD

How do you know the difference? The past six weeks have been wrought with frustration. Mostly surrounding breast feeding. There are been a few other hiccups that come with having a new baby - figuring out why she's crying, dealing with a lack of sleep, her scare spit-up episode...

The first few weeks I was definitely emotional, would cry at the drop of a hat, and simply exhausted. I was recovering too. Most everything I read says the blues should be gone by now, but I still feel them most days. Most of the time I don't care to get dressed (hellllo yoga pants - again) and it's all I can do to make sure I at least brush my teeth. I've only really left the house for doctors appointments. But, I don't really have any desire to socialize either - going out feels like A LOT of work.

There are times that the extra pumping/breast feeding problems really weigh on me. Living in such restrictive three hour cycles is making me a little nutty. Especially at night, because our routine takes at least an hour of that three hour cycle, so our sleep is really impacted.

Money is really tight for us right now. We just got rid of our rental property and do to so we basically emptied our sizable savings. That stress is added on top of all of the rest because we're facing the added cost of childcare expenses. A friend of ours is helping us out the first few weeks, but not for nearly as long as I'd originally been planning for.

There are some days, honestly, that Lily would already be on formula if it wasn't for the cost. I'm continuing this fight firstly because I know it is what is best for her. If I can get through this rough patch it will mean giving my baby the best start possible. But, on those really hard days when I want to say 'Screw it! I was formula fed and I'm FINE!' the added cost plays a part too. I have to go back to work in a month. I need to work out my breast feeding issues because I want to start building a freezer supply. 

There is an ongoing pity party in my mind too. WHY must everything be so difficult? Why did it take me almost 4 years to meet our baby? Why did I have to be the one with the two and a half day labor? Why did I get mastitis and thrush at the same time? Why do I now have problem breast feeding? Couple the pity party with the other stresses in my life and some days I just want to quit.

How do I know the difference? Do I wait for my six weeks appt, or see my doc now? Really, I hope it passes because I do not want another thing to keep me from relaxing and enjoying our baby.

But instead, like right now, I am going to stop what I'm doing and go hold my baby - she just woke up. The rest will just have to sort itself out.

Breastfeeding Woes Continue...

My left nipple is still giving me grief. I have a large crater in the center and Lily latching on is excruciating. I called the lactation consultant yesterday and today they fit me in. I did a bit of homework last night and watched a few videos (search for Jack Newman - a canadian doc and good resource for breastfeeding info). I noticed that Lily wasn't sucking like the babies in the video and that got me looking into my letdown.

At my appointment today I learned I was on the right track. What started with my Mastitis and then the resulting pain/stress, has resulted in a huge drop in my supply.

Awesome.

She watched Lily latch on both nipples and on each she really chomped down in frustration when I wasn't letting down for her. It was her level of aggression that contributed to my being put on 'nipple rest'. It isn't the ideal situation when working to build up supply, but what are you going to do? My nipple simply won't heal.

We've got a good game plan that involves pumping, fenugreek, ointment, and a lot of time topless - all for at least the next 48 hours. Here's the plan:

I will feed Lily what I pumped the prior session and supplement whatever is lacking (thankfully I have a friend who has donated us her breast milk, so I no longer have to do formula - which Lily only got at two feedings)
I will then pump again (both breasts) for the next feeding.
After pumping I will apply a mixture of triple antibiotic ointment and lotrimin (anti-fungal) 4x a day
Every hour I will rub my nipples with breastmilk
Fenugreek 3x a day

Tonight will be an interesting, and probably long, night. It's a lot of work to feed her, put her back down, pump, clean up, etc, etc. But, we will do what we have to do until we're healed up and build our supply. Once my nipples have healed we will hopefully be able to ditch the exclusive pump and get back to building supply with nursing.

Tomorrow, even though I cannot nurse her, Lily and I are going to spend the whole day in bed. Her in her diaper, me topless, and we're going to snuggle and rest, drinking tons of fluids.

I am so frustrated. I was so sad to have to give my baby a bottle of formula at the consultants office. But mostly, I feel good about the plan. I am just pissed as hell that nothing can go smoothly. Why must we hit these speed bumps at every turn? I'd like to pass through one thing without hiccups. Getting pregnant, pregnancy, labor, breast feeding... everything has been so damn hard.

But for now, I just need to get through it. And now, it's time to pump. Here we go again...