Hotter than the hubs of hell.

Seattle has been in the middle of a heat wave. Yesterday our little town was the 2nd hottest in our county at 105 degrees. The low last night was 73. Just to give you some perspective, that is a typical 'high' for Seattle. People are generally dressing inappropriately and complaining around here after about 85 degrees. So you can imagine that an additional 20 degrees puts a little strain on our unacclimated bodies. Especially for poor folks like J, who works outdoors all day. I've never been more grateful for my cushy desk job.

A little fun fact - only 15% of homes in Washington state have air conditioners. Our home is not one of them. Thankfully we have a little portable AC in our bedroom, so sleeping hasn't been SO bad. Unfortunately the rest of our house is an oven. 92 degrees at 10:00pm last night. Yikes!

It may not seem like much to those of you that are used to the triple digits. Thankfully it will "cool down" by the weekend. YAY 89-92! lol

The best silver lining? I think my spotting was scared of the heat. 3 days free of spotting - WOOHOO! I'm going to start the OPK's immediately after AF next month, just in case I have been ovulating really early in my cycle.

Crosshair jumping and the spotting continues.

After I imput my temp this morning my crosshairs jumped from the 10th (previously the 9th) to the 14th. Logically the 14th makes much more sense than the 9th, but not with the negative OPK that day. I especially don't like the new date because of my 'spotting'. As I'm sure you can imagine, J and I were not so jazzed about getting down while the current state of my vag was always in question. Those first two days were boarding on 'light' instead of spotting.

I called the nurse yesterday. She was none too concerned about my spotting for the last week, nor very helpful. Shocking, I know. She kept referencing this 'irregular cycle'. After the third time I was more direct and said that I had no inclination that this was actually my period. My concern was not over irregular cycles (been there, done that), but that this was being caused my something else I should be concerned with (cysts, ectopic pregnancy, etc). You know, all the lovely things you read about when you type such things into Google. Her response was that if it continues or is coupled with 'consistant and prolonged periods of cramping or pain' to call. Oh, and to take a HPT (even though I had a full blown period end 18 days ago...), which of course was negative. So, I've decided that if I'm still spotting this weekend I'm going to make an appointment. As J said, I know my body better than an 18 year old nursing aid. If I feel like something is wrong, I shouldn't ignore it.

Pity Party of 1.

This weekend was not nearly the respite from my shitty week that I needed before falling head first into another week. Consider yourself warned, the pity party that will commence now is not pretty.

Earlier in the week I mentioned briefly some interactions I didn't want to go into because it would get me worked up, well it has continued. Basically I have inadvertently hurt a friends feelings. Nothing I should be banished to the hot side of Hades for (I was more inadvertently inconsiderate than anything. It was completely unintentional). But, none the less she was hurt.

In the path to my discovering this and thus apologizing profusely, I have been in a constant state of feelinglikeashithead. It is incredibly hard to hear that someone doesn't think highly of you, especially when that person is someone that you truly admire. I believe her words were, 'I have come to the realization that you can be a selfish person.' Ouch. Big time.

I have never considered myself a selfish person (I don't suppose anyone would though..). In fact I truly enjoy going out of my way to do nice things for others. I volunteer on a very regular basis (I am one of three directors for my corporations community involvement committee), I like to do spontaneously nice things for my pals, my husband, and my family. Yes, doing these things makes me happy, but I don't do them for that reason. I do it because I know what joy and happiness it brings to those I care about, or those in need. Needless to say, this was really a slap in the face. It has definitely given me a lot to think about and reflect upon. Which basically led to a weekend long 'funk'.

I have not been able to shake this awful feeling that I just cannot do anything right. That no matter what good I try and do and the people I try and help, that I am always the bad guy, the scapegoat. I have spent a good deal of this weekend feeling very alone. I was trying to explain this to J (who is more than ever deserving of sainthood I might add - this man is phenomenal, I must say. No, I'm not biased.). You know in middle school when you have a fight with your friend and after that it feels like you have no friends left at all? Rationally you know you're being over sensitive and you're reading too far into things (Okay, so you haven't talked in two days - that does not mean you've been abandoned!). But you can't help but feel like you have nowhere to turn? That's as best as I can describe it.

J tried to bring me back from the darkside and explained that this was one person's opinion. One person in which I had upset. I was probably not going to get the most glowing review at that very moment. (My perfectionist self still did not find this acceptable...) He tried recounting the number of times recently I stayed up to late working on a project for a friend, or sacrificed my weekend to lend a hand, covered for a coworker, loaned this, helped with that, etc. I think all this did was throw me further into pondering how awful I must be all the other times for those activities to count for nothing. To barely get me half hearted appreciation or a sliver of respect.

I warned you it wouldn't be pretty.

So, that brings me to Monday morning. Dog still sick (oh, did I fail to mention that story? Just add that to the list of last weeks FUN.) and I'm still spotting off and on. Hopefully this week will be a little less busy because I kicked some ass at work on Friday.

If you've made it this far, thank you. Thank you for being my outlet. For being the 'shoulder' that I needed. Poor J can only handle so much and getting this out is really good therapy.



(Side note: Per the excellent guidance of dear Buck I decided to whoop it up Saturday night and drown my sorrows in a beer (or 4...) and a cocktail or two (or 4...). Let me set the sceen though - I am a LIGHT WEIGHT. Seriously, I hardly drink anymore. The gods must have felt really bad for me then because I was not even the slightest bit of hangover. No headache, no nothin'. Phew!)

Emotional

I'm sure it can be blamed on the stress of my week, but I've now teared up over an episode of Tori and Dean, Deserving Design, and The Notebook commercial.

Oh hormones, how I hate thee.

Finally something good!

The day started out much along the lines of the rest of the week - shitty. I won't go into the details because it upset me and I don't want to get all worked up again. BUT, that isn't what this is about (see - I'm being positive again - GO ME!).

Remember my broken laptop? I'm blogging on it again! A friend of mine's dad is a computer guru and thankfully offered to take a look at my computer. He quickly found the issue (I'd maxed the memory - damn picture obsession - and it caused some corruption...) and completely saved the day. I had it back, completely fixed, updates installed, new software added, etc in less than 24 hours. And I thought it was toast! My shittastic week finally has a silver lining. My precious laptop is just like new!!

I haven't even gotten to the best part. He did it for FREE. He just asked that I send him referrals.

K, you are my hero. You may have prevented me from jumping off the 25th floor of my building when I got to work in the morning.

Tomorrow's Friday. The sweet scent of a fun filled sunny weekend is ahead. FINALLY!

Oh things are not progressing well...

Step 1) Click on the link to my chart at left
Step 2) Admire its craptasticness
Step 3) Note my CD

Go ahead, follow the steps, I'll wait... (insert Jeopardy music here)...

Well, guess who may be visiting two weeks early? Yup, I think I started today. I was sitting in this boring class for work and got the familiar sensation, you know the one I'm talking about, suddenly a little too 'moist'. Yeah, so I hit the facilities and sure enough, redness. GREAT.

I completely unloaded on R when I got back to my office. There was no way I could call her, everyone on my floor would have heard me because I was just pissed. I had to vent. I am just 110% done with this week already. I'm hoping that it is just random ovulation/midcycle spotting. I'm almost back to my 'take it as it comes' attitude and J is sure trying his damndest to get me there. I think I am about ready to call the doctor though. I am going to try and stick with charting and the OPK's at least this cycle. Hopefully next cycle too and then we'll put in the call.

I guess we'll just have to wait and see.

Is it Friday yet??

Laptop Travesty

It's official - my laptop has shit the bed. Stupid effing piece of technology. How is it acceptable that a mere 4 years is considered a long and happy life?!

Now, not only do I need to start pricing and shopping (I don't think we'll be able to splurg on the mac that I want... :(), but it had been a couple weeks since we backed anything up to our external harddrive and now I've lost a bunch of recent pictures. BOOOO.

This was the final straw in the suckage that was my 'Monday' (which fell on Tuesday this week since I took Monday off). I slept through my alarm, woke up with 12 minutes to spare before I needed to be out the door. I forgot to temp in my whirlwind panic. Didn't get breakfast, obviously. Forgot my cell until I was about a mile form home. Ran back inside to get it, scraped my leg on my car door (which resulted in a large red welt and a sexay bruise - the blue of the bruise complimented my brown dress nicely...), and that was all before I got to work. Since I'd selfishly taken two days off I suppose I deserved the ONE HUNDRED AND NINETY-EIGHT emails that filled my inbox, the to-do list that was never ending, and the 4 meetings on my calendar. UGH.

Needless to say the last thing I needed yesterday was the death of my beloved laptop. I think poor J thought I was going to jump off the roof by the end of it.

OPK's have arrived

Tonight we begin our first month with OPKs. I am feeling a little conflicted. Part of me is so excited to get more insight into my crazy post birth control self. To make sense of the crappy charting (by the way, did you see how quickly mine went to hell this month!? It started out so nice..) and to see if I'm actually O'ing. Of course excited that if it works, this could be our final month of 'trying'.

The other part of me, the same part that is tired of getting its hopes up, is worried that I will have the same frustrations I've had with charting so far - no answers. Or worse, that the answer will be what I really don't want to hear, but am kind of expecting, that I'm not ovulating at all.

Only time will tell! I've got to stop over thinking it and just tackle whatever comes our way. Although, if you have a minute and are the wishing/hoping/praying type, a kind word sent our way certainly couldn't hurt. Thank you in advance.

Happy Anniversary to Us!

Today J and I are celebrating our first wedding anniversary. Tomorrow we will have been together EIGHT years. Wow. It has gone by so fast, but at the same time I feel like J has been around my entire life. Funny how that works...

We had a great time during our little weekend get away. Plenty of relaxation and quality uninterrupted time together. We combed the beach for fun sea creatures (saw TONS of sea stars, crab, sea anemone, fish, and even an otter!), went kayaking, explored an old fort, ate at a couple of fancy restaurants, laid in bed and read, and took long baths in our jacuzzi tub by fire light (insert suggestive eyebrow wiggling here ;) ). I cannot tell you how much this little get away was needed. Not a minute of tv was watched, or internet accessed. Beautiful.

Here are a few of my favorite pictures from the weekend...

The beginning of sunset our first night:

TASTY beverages
(can you see the tiny view of the harbor behind the drinks?):

Part of the fort we visited:

I made a friend, his name is Billy. Billy the goat:

I have officially done it!

I have been working to lose weight for about 2 - 2 1/2 years now. I started this journey weighing 236lbs. It has been a slow process. Because it has been slow I've gotten frustrated, fallen off the wagon and had to start over a number of times. Thankfully when I've 'fallen off' it has not resulted in any significant gain, but I simply didn't continue to lose.

For about 3-4 months I have been hovering mostly at the 203-206 mark. Unable and unwilling to really do anything about it. The Shred was a half-ass attempt I guess. When J and I started TTC, my goal was to be under 200lbs by the time I got pregnant. We all know I'm not KU yet, so I've finally gotten my butt in gear to try and make some positive things happen in my life (save $, lose more weight, etc).

In June when AF showed up, I decided it was time to get back to it. I have been working on returning to my better eating habits and trying to be more active (I'm still not quite where I want to be in the activity arena..). Yesterday morning I got on the scale and for the first time in about 5 years, the number did not start with a 2! In fact, this morning I was a solid - 199.0. It isn't anything to throw a party over, but it is a little milestone that has been a LONG time coming. I never want to see that little 2 again. I am not even more motivated to reach my next goal (185). 15 lbs. I can do that, right? I've come this far, why not!


Back in May or so I added the original before (237lb) picture and an 'after' (at about 205) picture. Maybe I should replace it with a new 199 picture and then I can update it at my next goal too?

OPK's

In my crazy blur of a weekend I completely neglected to mentioned that we ordered OPK's this weekend. I plan to make notes of CM this cycle too. I look forward to seeing how this chart stacks up now that I think I've got the temping thing down and I will be adding these other observations too.

My birthday is at the end of next month, maybe I will catch a break?

The word is getting out.

Okay, in reality only one additional person knows now that we are TTC. J's best friend E.

While we were in full baby shower swing for R, J was having a beer with his buddy. They've been best friends for about 17 years. Apparently they had quite the little heart to heart yesterday. E and his girlfriend have been discussing, with some seriousness, the idea of getting married. I think they are really good together and wouldn't be surprised at all if this happened in the near future. J also decided to share with E that we are actively TTC. Honestly, I'm not mad that he knows. I think it will be great for J to have someone to talk to. I know it is helps me to have R and my BOTB lovelies when the going gets tough. I'm not sure that E can really relate, but at least J has a safe place to vent. I just hope that E understands that we do NOT want this to be public knowledge.

More than anything, I don't want people to know because I don't want to constantly have to explain myself, talk about the fact it has almost been a year with no success, or to hear peoples unsolicited advice (Oh what I would do to someone if I had to hear the words 'it'll happen when you stop trying' or 'just relax'...). Since we have started TTC it seems that everyone in my life (but me of course...) is expecting or recently given birth. Even those that were told the chances were slim to none. It may be irrational, but what I don't want to hear is how we're 'now' trying because everyone else is. This isn't some fad we hopped into because we thought it'd be a fun whim. I've heard similar things said about others and I want no part of that business.

E is a really good friend. He's done nothing but be there for J, and me, and if IF is something that we do struggle from (and not just post-bc/bad timing craziness...), I know it will be hard on J. I am really grateful that J will have someone to lean on. Someone that always has had his back. Let's just hope he doesn't go getting a buzz and letting his little loose lips spill the beans to everyone else we know.

Busy Week

Phew. Last week was a whirlwind! While I am glad most of it is behind me, today is Monday and who can ever be excited about that!?

I picked up a part time job last week, (probably more on that later) mostly because my daytime job is salary and does not provide me the opportunity to do overtime and earn extra $. We are really trying to put additional money into savings and there may or may not be this couch set at Costco that I cannot live without...

In addition to my few extra hours of work, this weekend also consisted of a baseball game and R's baby shower - I told you it was action packed! Tonight I have a meeting to attend for the new job and then hopefully the rest of the week will be lax. ::knock on wood::

We leave this Friday for our long anniversary weekend. I am very excited for a little uninterupted time with J.

Look at what I made!

In preparation for R's shower, I made a fruit basket. But this particular basket was made out of a watermelon. It turned out pretty damn good if I do say so myself. So, I thought I would share!

Empty:

Full:

Pretty cool, right?! It only took me about 20 minutes to cut, empty and carve up the melon. And I only sustained one minor injury to my thumb during the process. Which if you've been around my clumsy self whilst I wield a knife, you'll know that anything 'minor' is quite the accomplishment.

Rumble from down under.

I feel like I'm starting to get cramps. Not painful yet, but pressure for sure. I'm tired and mildy cranky/stressed out with work. Oh and I'm bloated. I always get bloated before AF, but I think after the weekend of eating/drinking it's extra bad. My rings are tight and even my shoes are a little snugger than normal. She just needs to get here, do her thang, and get the F out.

Oh the joys of being a woman.

4th of July!

We had a really fun day. We spent the morning lazing around the house. We read, watched a movie, didn't get dressed until after noon, it was great!!!

We went to our good friends place for a lunch BBQ. It was great that even though we all had different evening plans, that we could all still see each other for yummy food in the afternoon.

As evening approached we met up with some other friends. After figuring out that we lost the local duck race, we hit up a fireworks stand. OH the deals we dealt. We got approx $400 worth of fireworks for less than $100.

The ladies got to kick back and enjoy the asshattery that was the boys fireworks show. If you happen to know my husband and his sidekick in real life, you will know that this had to be good. Those two LOVE to blow shit up.

The night went really well. We had fun, no one lost even an eyebrow! There was a close call with this tricky beast they call a 'ladybug'. The first two barely hovered off the ground and the third jumped up, shot right over our heads and ended up in the horse paddocks. I'm sure you can imagine that was a rough way to start the evening for those two poor horses. Thankfully the rest of their night was uneventful.

So, here are some shots I got of the show. Pretty, right??

Anniversary Plans? Check.

Our first wedding anniversary is in two weeks. For almost a month we have hemmed/hawed over what to do. How much to spend, where we wanted to go, what to do, etc.

Well, this morning we finally found a place within our budget that we could both agree on. Pretty, no?
There are a few items we plan to accomplish on this much needed mini-vaca. They are relaxation, good food/wine, and adventure. So, we plan to get massages (in room or at the spa is still to be decided), we are going kayaking and renting bicycles, and there are a bunch of yummy restaurants close by.

Did I mention our room has a view and a bathtub built for two? I didn't? Well shame on me.

PSA: Public Enemies

DO NOT SEE THIS MOVIE.

It sucks. Sucks major llama balls. Like BIG ones.

Johnny Depp typically does some damn good work. I have to say that in general, I'm a fan. I was SO disappointed in this most recent venture. I was bored from the start.

I even took a preemptive strike and had a wonderful margarita prior to the flick. Did it help? Nope.

Honestly, if I'd known, I probably wouldn't even have rented it.

How could I forget!?

I got to me Alyssa yesterday!! This totally made my week/month/etc.

She is one of my all time fav BOTB'ers. Alyssa, her husband, sister, and pooch are taking the long route back to Michigan and she was kind enough to grace us with her presence! I have to tell you internets she is even better in real life! Of course my visit was entirely too short. I feel like we hardly got to chat at all. We will definitely need to do it again. As I left to go home I kept thinking of all these things I wanted to ask and talk about. You can't leave yet!!

Mucho thanks to R for her so graciously supplying me and J with yummy ice cream and cookies. You always keep us well fed. I also really appreciate you sharing your Isha time. I didn't want to intrude, but as always you shared with me. I appreciate it and I love you!

Oh, and Alyssa, if your beautiful pup Lucy comes up missing... I will probably have dognapped her. I hope you and the hubs feel better before the next leg of your trip!

(Pictured: Alyssa, R, and myself! Please ignore the redeye. These babyblues have their downfall! I will fix this when I get home tonight.)

FF is on crack.

As determined today but my chart experimentation.

Here is my chart as it stands now:

Out of my own sick curiousity each day when I enter my temp I see what it looks like with and without the temps from CD5and6. Well, today when I first removed them I had solid crosshairs. I was baffled. Nothing on this chart looks 'solid' to me. I laughed it off and then later decided I wanted the opinion of my beloved BOTB peeps. So, I log back in and discard the temps a second time and now this:

When I first discarded the temps I was astonished to get crosshairs, especially solid ones, but when I do it a second time they are now tentative? How can you make the same change and get FF to give you two different results?

FF, you need to kick the crack habit - do you understand me??