Over 100 Posts!

I just realized I have over 100 blog entries! GO ME! Thank you to those that read my pointless rants and raves. I'm very appreciative to have this outlet. Since I have very few people to talk to about my craziness IRL, being able to get it all out is truly therapeutic. Hopefully you all keep coming back. <3

That is all. You're welcome to return to your regularly schedule program.

"When are you two having kids?"

OMFG. Seriously people, you need to stop with this question. The subject comes up at LEAST 3-5 times per week, perhaps more now that J is the only guy on his crew without kids (the only other guy had a baby 3 weeks ago). Today alone this came up 6 times. SIX. Because no one IRL (except R&T) know we're trying, we keep playing it off. "I thought for sure you two would be pregnant by now!" Ugh, me too... me too.

So, I've come up with an idea. The Baby Jar. It will be like the Cuss Jar (every time you swear you've got to put in $1) except that each time someone asks us when we're having kids, they have to put in $1. We'll have money for childcare in no time!

What compels people to ask this question? It is none of your business when my husband and I begin bumping uglies with a hidden agenda. It is not your business why we don't have kids now. It is not your business when/if we're trying. But, all of that aside you have no idea if that couple has been trying for what feels like forever and your constantly bringing it up does nothing but make them feel failure. Especially as you're holding your adorable nephew knowing that if you'd been successful in the beginning, you'd have had one a couple months older than him. Part of me knows they're asking because they care and generally are excited for us. But, the other part wants me to shake them, demand they stop with the never ending inquisition, and shout 'For the love of Jebus, I'm TRYING!'

A great day.

Yesterday was a good day.

I did have to work, but just for a couple of hours. The rest of the work day was spent with my team volunteering. We planted a rose garden and had a great time! The day was cool, but it didn't rain so it was perfect for manual labor. After 4 hours of digging and landscaping my boss bought me lunch at Red Robin (yummmmm teriyaki chicken burger...) and when I got back to my office my employees had invaded. There were streamers, a bouquet of balloons, a card, and silly drawings on my white board. OH and baked goods from this yummy local deli. They were so excited for me to see it, it was really sweet. I got to go home shortly after that!

J and I went for pedicures once I got home and cleaned up. This was his first one and he says he only gave in because it was my day. Whatever works! It was my first pedicure by a 'man' (really he was about an 18-20 year old). It was a little odd to have this kid painting my toes pink, but hey, he did a great job!

Afterward we had dinner with our family. My grandma, mom, mil, fil, and sister went to this yummy restaurant where you can throw the peanuts on the floor. I don't know why that is so fun, but we love it. They have good food and its a casual place so that we could be obnoxious and have fun and no one would care. The waitress found out it was my birthday and put a toilet seat cover around my neck and a coffee filter on my head and the staff sang to it. It was hilarious. Thankfully I could drown my semi-embarrassed self in the sundae. :) My sister bought me earrings with my birth stone (i'm not typically a fan of peridot, but they are cute), and my mom got me a pretty watch!

So many friends made a point to call/text/facebook/email, I felt very special.

The calling of another sweet baby this week was a sobbering reminder to me to be greatful for the people I have in my life. I love all of my friends (IRL or not) and I'm saying a little extra prayer for Eas and her angel baby today.

And the husband of the year award goes to...

J!

Not 10 minutes after I posted about my birthday not being a huge deal, I get an email from our receptionist. It simply says "S, there is a delivery for you at the reception desk."

Much to my surprise there is a beautiful bouquet awaiting me. A dozen long stem red roses.

He had them delivered today because he knew I would be out of the office most of the day tomorrow. Thoughtful AND well planned. He's not typically too romantic, so this is just that much more special.

They are gorgeous. I will take a good picture and post it tonight! After I thank my husband of course. :)

Here they are!

Last day at 24.

Tomorrow is the 25th and I will be 25. Yup, it is my golden/lucky/champagne birthday! Thus, today is the 24th and my last day of being 24.

I've decided not to do anything major for my birthday. Mostly because our weekends before and after are filled with other things. Not much exciting can be done on a Tuesday. I love celebrating other peoples birthdays, but generally there is always something happening around mine that means I get kind of set aside. The last big birthday party I had was probably my 21st. No one really makes much mention of it. It used to upset me, but now I guess I'm kind of used to it. It usually ends up in J and I having dinner with my mom and sister and that sounds A-OK to me.

Tomorrow I have to work, but my whole management team is volunteering for half of the day. We are going to a local city hall and planting a rose garden. The weather is supposed to be decent too, so I'm excited! Our company is doing a Week of Service and there were a dozen or so events to pick from if you wanted to participate. We decided to do this as sort of a team building event. I volunteer quite a bit, but my team typically doesn't do much, so I'm happy they're getting into it. It should be fun!

Afterward I'm going to leave work early and I'm thinking about going to get my hair cut. (My friend usually cuts it, but I think she's still out of town and she lives about an hour and a half away.) J and I are talking about going for pedicures too. It would be his first one! We've still not settled on dinner plans, but I'm thinking steak. So tomorrow should be a really good day.

24 was an interesting year. There are definitely things I would have liked to have panned out differently. But, overall I'm very lucky. I'm healthy, in fact I weigh the lowest I have in about 6 years (196.7 yesterday! WOOT!). J and I are better than ever, my heart just swells I'm so lucky. My family has grown and for the most part we're all doing well. I have a solid job and we are debt free (with the exception of one car and our mortgages of course) with a little bit in savings to boot. There are so many blessings in my life. I will enjoy reflecting on the last year today. But tomorrow... tomorrow I will be glad for a fresh start. I look forward to 25 and all that it will bring.

Dakota

Dakota was a german sheppard lab mix that I got when I was 17. J went with me to pick her out. She was my first dog. Dakota was a DIVA. She was smart and spoiled. When J and I left to go to college, I was a classic teenager and left her at home. She was definitely a grandma's girl. Once we got a house there was just no way I could have her back. She just wasn't mine anymore, my mom would have been too sad to see her go.

In February Dakota would have been 8. Unfortunately she was put down this weekend. It was the hardest decision I've ever had to help make (my mom and I talked about it extensively). Dakota had blown out her knee. It would have been about $3k for each leg (the others would have needed to be done closely following the first). Not only did we not have the money, but there was no guarantee it would fix it. We talked about putting her down then and decided since she was still getting around and didn't appear to be in too much pain (with meds of course) that we would just see how she does. She did really good for awhile. Unfortunately she didn't respond well to the meds long term and she stopped eating. She became thin really quickly my mom took her back to the vet. The vet tried some new medication, but they just made her throw up (just water because they didn't increase her appetite). She was clearly suffering and we didn't think it was fair to make her suffer on our account.

I know now that she is in heaven. She is ruling the roost and bossing all the other pooches around as per usual. She is healthy and happy and waiting to see us again someday.

RIP Kota. I love you my sweet girl. I miss you already.

FRIDAY!

Sweet mother of all that is holy, thank God it is Friday!

It's been a long week, but in approx 9 hours I will be home and starting my weekend and that is just GLORIOUS!

That is all. TGIF peeps!

I see the light.

The one at the end of the tunnel.

AF is finally returning to something that I recognize. So far today I would say it is 'medium'. Which, compared to the last two days, is heaven. I told J last night that I was finally starting to feel a little relief, less cramping, etc. He said that he could tell, but 'Thankfully you're not like that very often.' lol I must have been a peach to be around the past two days.

There seemed to be this pity party shame spiral thing happening and not a damn thing I could do about it. I think it was a bad combination of knowing we didn't get pregnant this month (again), the worst period I may have had ever, mixed with stress from my day job, feeling like I'll never get this part time gig off the ground, the fact that my birthday is next week and I'm certain it will go without much notice for the 4th or so year in a row, and feeling all of this and still having to take care of someone else so I'm not getting any rest or relaxation. I love J dearly and will take care of him for the rest of his life if that was necessary, but damn it I need a day off. Thankfully I am feeling better. (I started taking new vitamins this week and I really feel like their making a difference already!) More willing to tackle these pesky challenges and to put to the back of my mind those things I cannot do a damn thing about.

On a brighter note, J's fingers are looking "better". I use quotes because they still look like shit. They're black and oozing ::GAG:: and gross, but this is a MUCH better state than the bloody meat chunks they were two weeks ago. He started physical therapy yesterday (which is kind of a joke, I may go into that later...) and his spirits are up a bit. He's still frustrated to not be able to do everything on his own (I suppose that asking your wife to open jars and put on your deodorant could be kind of a kick to the manhood), but he's definitely excited about his improvements.

On my final and even brighter note, I had to swing a present by to R and T's house last night and I got to hold baby Landon again. Boy do I love that kid. He's smushy and snuggly and adorable and sweet. He was seriously the high point of my week, again. Happy one week birthday little guy!

Holy AF Batman

I am having what is potentially the worst period I've EVER had. Yesterday was the first full day and I think I bled more yesterday than I typically would my whole period. I went through about 10 or so tampons and the only reason it wasn't more was because of the length of time I went in the shower and no the toilet. My cramps were awful.

I feel bad complaining because J is still hurting from his accident, but the last thing I wanted to do when I got home from a long hellish day at work was take care of someone else. But, I did. I got to relax a little, but then there were chores that needed to be done, dinner that had to get made, etc. I was in tears by the time I got to get in the shower and lay down.

My fingers were crossed that this morning would be better. But, no. (TMI warning!) As soon as I got out of bed, I flooded. That's the best way to describe it. There was a mad scramble to the bathroom because it was running down my legs. So I did what any girl in my position would do. I cleaned my sorry ass up and I cried again. Got to love those hormones.

I still haven't called the doctor. I wasn't in any mood to talk to J about what we wanted to do next and I think if I'd had to, it would have just resulted in more tears.

Is it Friday yet?

Guess who's back?

J's libido. Oh, yes, it has finally returned. When did it return? Yesterday. What was yesterday? Nothing, except the third time in 38 days that I've started my period. FORTHELOVE!

Vicodin has not been nice to my husband. It has made him constipated and prudish. No interest in pooping or doing it, whatsoever. Basically he'd lost all communication with anything below the belt. It's been two weeks since we've had sex and the last time we got busy wasn't anything to write home about, so F! Figures. Nothing like some nosex salt in my bitter notpregnantAGAINthismonth wounds.

Oh the joy that is CD1. lol

Time to call the doc.

Yup, I give. I was spotting late this morning and the cramps have now begun.

After 11 months of crappy cycles and 4 months of failed charting (never any clear O), I'm going to call the doctor. I don't know what else to do. I'm sure it'll take a bit to get us in, so I will keep up with the charting and the OPK's in the meantime. I just want answers. I can't keep stressing out over whether or not I'm broken. At this point I think finding out for sure I am broken would be less stressful than my worrying about being broken (I get that I will feel differently if this is actually the case, but bear with the pity party for just one more minute).

My heart hurts. Another month gone. No anniversary conception for us. Another milestone missed (J and I were chatting and realized that at the soonist his birthday will come and go again before we have a child).

In my life I've been very very lucky. School was always easy for me, I was a natural athlete, I interview well and have been blessed with good job experience, I've been with my husband since just before I turned 17. Generally I am ahead of the curve, I get things right the first time, and I don't take that for granted. I think when I started this process (it was over a year ago that we decided we would ttc) I was cocky and ignorant enough to believe that this would just be like all of the other things I've tackled. I would just naturally move into a new role.

I suppose I had to learn at some point. God felt that I needed a test in patience. Perhaps he decided these tribulations would teach me humility and appreciation for the things in life that are truly worth it? I've definitely learned a lot and I guess I'm about to learn a whole lot more.

So, what's up doc?

Boobs

Can't live with 'em, can't live without 'em.

The past three or four days I would really have preferred to live without. They hurt SO bad. Some times they hurt more than others, but if they bump anything or J forgets I'm hurting and goes to cop a feel SWEETJESUSMARYANDJOSEPH they hurt like hell. My nipples have pretty much been in some stage of hardness for the length of this fiasco as well. Nothing like some nipple chaffage from rubbing the inside of my bra/shirt to be the cherry that tops my achy rack.

With this screwy cycle I've not known what to expect, but I anticipate this being the mother of all that is pms. Lord kill me now if this is just the beginning.

Landon James

He was finally born today! I wish I could give a more thorough report, but I haven't met him yet! I plan to head there sometime this morning so I will have full details, and hopefully a picture, later today.

I would like to take a moment to wish Landon a happy birthday. You're new around here little man, but I promise that you have so much love and support around you that you have no reason to be scared or nervous. Enjoy these first few days/months/years. Everything is so new and exciting. You will learn more and more each day. You have wonderful parents and a very large extended family. Oh, and that big sister of yours? Well, you'll get to meet her soon. Big sisters can be a pain sometimes, but I promise that she would do anything for you.

I love you little man, even though I haven't even gotten to meet you yet.

Charting Fail

I'm going to blame my exhaustion on my 28 year old child. A husband with use of only one hand equals approx a 5 year old. They need help bathing, washing their hands, making breakfast/lunch/dinner, fetching meds, pillows at bedtime, etc. Even worse is that we can be kind of messy folks during the week and then attack the house with vigor on the weekends... well guess who got to do that solo? I know, pooooooor me, right? lol

I slept through my alarm both Saturday and Sunday morning. I did temp when I woke up on my own, but it was 4 hours later than usual so I didn't record them (they were fairly consistant though) I suppose I was just too pooped to party.

I was so worried that I would miss my alarm this morning and be late for work that I woke up every 30 minutes after 2:00am. At least I didn't miss it!

Chainsaw = 2, J = 0

J had a bit of an accident at work today. He was cutting through a pole and his left hand slipped and hit the blade of his running chainsaw.

I got a phone call just after 10:00 and here is how he said hello, 'If I were to need to go to the hospital, which one should I go to?' (we have new insurance this year, so he wanted to be sure.) I was like 'WHAT?!' He tried to make me feel better, but a statement like, 'Don't worry, I cut my fingers with a chainsaw, but the paramedics don't think I will lose them or anything.' isn't going to help matters!

When I got to the ER he was already cleaned up and the doctor was starting to stitch him up. His index finger got a big gash, but it is a clean slice. So, although it is deep and nasty, it was stitched together without too much to-do. His middle finger isn't fairing quite as well. It looks like... well, it looks like it got chewed up by a chainsaw. The doctor used the term 'jigsaw puzzle' and I thought that was pretty fitting. There is very little skin left. R asked if it looked like bloody meat chunks ::GAG:: and I thought that was pretty fitting.

Tomorrow morning we have an appointment with the orthopedic surgeon to get it checked out. Because there is still so much fatty tissue exposed he may need to have a graph.

J has been in really good spirits. The joke now is that if he needs a graph that I hope they take the skin from his ass. It would just be good funny to know that he'll be scratching his face with his ass. Or scratching his ass with his ass. lol.

Thank you to those that sent us prayers. We truly appreciate it.

FF giveth, FF taketh away.

With today's temp FF took away my tentative crosshairs. I think they finally came to their senses and are saying 'WTF!' right along with me. Crazy damn chart. I get motion sickness just trying to analyze the damn thing!

I did however have two pink lines on the OPK again (still negative though). Perhaps we'll get a better result this evening?

Kinda two pink lines.

Tonight was the first time ever I've gotten two pink lines on an OPK! It was still technically negative (the test line was not as dark or darker than the control), but it was a solid pink line none the less and that is a first!

Late this afternoon and this evening I've definitely been feeling tightness (not really cramping) too. I'm hoping that tomorrow's OPK is a positive one! Boy would that be a relief!!

Fingers crossed please!!

Oi Vey.

Take a look at that beaut...

That right there is beauty. Beauty that cannot be rivaled by any that I've come across. (Can you smell the sarcasm?) Those tentative crosshairs are a joke, the temps bounce around more than an Easter Bunny on crack. I am beginning to lose hope that we'll be able to do this on our own. I'm trying to stay positive (the month isn't over yet!), but from the looks of things here, we're not fairing so well. Especially considering the dozen negative OPK's. Granted we'll start them earlier next month, but still.

I do need to prepare myself for the very real idea that we'll be visiting the doctor in September to talk about IF and our options. Until it has officially been a year, I really don't want to put any labels on our situation, but it is heading more and more that direction every month.

J and I have only just briefly discussed what we'll do next. So far we agree that we're open to meds. I'm not sure that J is so hot on the idea of IVF, but that was mostly after he heard about the cost. I'm definitely going to have to get more details from our insurance company. Hopefully we'll just not have to cross that bridge.