The not-so-chart.

I am taking an involuntary leave from charting this month. I am still going to track my meds and OPK results there just to have an organized method of keeping track, but no temping. The reason for this after a solid year or ploping that thing in my mouth every morning? Thank little miss Lacey. Once she hears my alarm go off there is no laying patiently in her crate for me to take my temp. Nope, she's got to go potty NOW or she'll whine, cry and bark until Daddy is wide awake, gently shoving me out of bed.

I think a break will be good for me though. With my already busy schedule, and now all of the puppy tasks, I'm already waking up 10 minutes earlier every day (yes, that means I'm getting up at 3:50am! ::GASP::). I think I could use one less thing on my morning agenda.

Lacey, Weigh In, Pills, Etc.

I have had quite a busy weekend!

Firstly, I had my first Biggest Loser weekly weigh in today! According to the 'official' scale I love 5.5lbs!!! (Okay, so according to my home scale, I lost 3, but shhh, I like the other one better!) GO ME!

Second, I GOT A NEW PUPPY!!! I have wanted a second dog since.... well since we got the first one. I've asked over and over and over and each time J has not been on board. Well, guess who finally gave in?? He must really love me. We brought home a 9 1/2 week old purebred yellow lab. Her name is Lacey and she is a-fricken-dorable! She is such a sweet and mellow lover. (remind me of this when she keeps me up again tonight, will you?) Harley is being a good big brother and adjusting to this invasion pretty well. He's done his fair share of moping, but he tolerates her.

The first few days of my Femara are going really well. So far no evil side effects. Fingers crossed that one week from now the doc will give me good news. Our appointment is on Monday.

To sum it all up, I'm getting skinny, I'm medicated, and I fell in love. I'm going to look hot at the dog park this summer. ;)

Without further ado - our new little girl:

Lacey

Don't you want to just want to pet her soft fur, kiss that sweet face, and play with her extra puppy skin? Don't get me started on how I love it when she tries to run... love!

Thankful Thursday

I am not big on the themed days of the week, but we've covered that, so I will move on.

I have "known" Blair for over a year and a half. She is an (in)famous lovely from back in my BOTB days. She was a big influence on my decision to start a blog. And it is Blair, among some other ladies of blog awesomeness, that have inspired me to participate in Thankful Thursday. With all of the emotional and stressful days in my life, I would like to force myself to sit back for a minute and recall some of the things I am thankful for this week.

So, here goes nothing:

1. My Husband. He is a calm, loyal, steady constant in my life. Saying he's been my rock doesn't quite cover it. He is just a good person. He'd do anything for a friend, helps old ladies cross the street (seriously though, he did work for a retirement community in college and they adore him), and is all around the good little boy scout he's always been. If he's ever lost his hope, he's never let that slip to me. I am grateful every day, even when he's a stubborn man, to have his influence and his love in my life. I'm not quite sure what I did right to deserve it.

2. Friends. Just because. There are too many reason I couldn't go on living without them.

3. Biggest Loser Challenge. My competitive side has won over in my quest to eat healthy and hit the gym. I'm down TWO LBS since MONDAY. Oh yes, watch me go! This summer is going to be the summer of the skinny and HOT Mrs.S. (I've been slacking, but the measurements and weigh-ins are coming back. I promise. And yes, I know you've heard that before..)

4. Photography. I believe I have found my passion. I am a serious beginner, but it really brings me happiness and a sense of purpose. I am starting classes in May. Plus, being complimented for something I can do right feels good.

5. Books. I am on a reading binge folks. I have read 10 books in about a month. If you haven't already, pick up the Stephanie Plum series by Janet Evanovich. There are currently 15 books in the series and 16 is coming out soon! HIL-ARIOUS. Stephanie is my idol.

There you have it. The top 5 things I'm thankful for. Please take some time to be grateful for the good things you have in your life. I'm not saying everyone should have a Thankful Thursday blog post, but get yourself some perspective and set aside all that may be going wrong, and just focus on all that you have to be thankful for.

I've figured it out.

I now know why God has decided not to bless us with children.

Because I have to manage 13 full grown 'children' every day at work!!! Including all of their petty whining and lack of appreciation for my efforts.

That is all. Aren't you glad this mystery has been solved?

Ow. Ow. Ow.

Ask and you shall receive. CD1 is upon us. AF arrived first thing this morning and running behind has put her in a piss-poor mood. I have a ThermaCare heating pad strapped to my belly and have made several trips to the rest room this morning because my off and on constipation is suddenly cured. Overshare, I know, sorry about that.

I'm going to go back to rocking myself in my office chair while my insides continue to fight to become my outsides.

Post # 200

For a couple of days now I have been trying to think of something thought provoking and worthy of putting out into my small corner of the blog world. But honestly, not a lot has been going on. I am still waiting patiently for AF to show up (CD 31 today). Even though I'm late, I hold no hope that I should even waste a test considering my mid-cycle ultrasound and the fact that my temps are quickly tanking.

I am anxiously awaiting this fresh start with a new medication. Part of me is thrilled with my doctors statement that most women that don't respond to Clomid, respond really well to Femara. Clearly I didn't respond to the Clomid, so now is our chance. However, the other part of me is scared that this isn't going to work either. That is will be another thing that we've tried and failed. I don't want to even think about the steps we will need to take if this doesn't work.

Just as always I'm a mixture of emotions. I'm mostly nervous and scared, with a dash of excited in there just to make things interesting. My focus has been on keeping my mind and self occupied with other things so that I'm not stressed and focused on waiting.

Oh, and we started a Biggest Loser challenge in my office today. Hopefully it's the little kick in the seat I need to get past this plateau. Go me!

The Chart

If I didn't know through an ultrasound that my follicles were not developed enough to release an egg, especially not around the time FF said I may have ovulated, my chart wouldn't be looking soooo bad. Especially with the slightly increased temp this morning.

I'm not sure how I feel about it. On the one hand it's nice to have a chart that doesn't look like a rollercoaster for a change, but on the other hand I know it isn't real. At least I don't have the opportunity to build up all of that hope only to be sent crashing back down. I've done enough crashing for one month.

Jessica's Giveaway

Seriously peeps, visit Jessica's blog The Southern Belle Baby today because she has an adorable giveaway!

Let's just start by saying I LOVE me some organizational tools. Sorters/boxes/tubs/labels (OH I could go on about labels)/folders/color coding... they make my soul happy. It is my inner Virgo. I like things, especially my office, neat and orderly.

The "Ruby" is not just a storage box, it is a CUTE storage box! I am already day dreaming about where I would put it.

So, check it out and enter! (Or don't, so I don't have as many people to compete with. lol)

Today's Reading Assignment.

Jenny at What the Blog? posted the article below. I found it an excellent read. It's difficult to articulate the do's and don'ts, and the emotion of Infertility while you're in the throws of it. She does a great job and I agree with Jenny, it should be required reading for all. Thank you for sharing this with me, Jenny.

Infertility Etiquette
By Vita Alligood

Chances are, you know someone who is struggling with infertility. More than five million people of childbearing age in the United States experience infertility. Yet, as a society, we are woefully uninformed about how to best provide emotional support for our loved ones during this painful time.

Infertility is, indeed, a very painful struggle. The pain is similar to the grief over losing a loved one, but it is unique because it is a recurring grief. When a loved one dies, he isn’t coming back. There is no hope that he will come back from the dead. You must work through the stages of grief, accept that you will never see this person again, and move on with your life.
The grief of infertility is not so cut and dry. Infertile people grieve the loss of the baby that they may never know. They grieve the loss of that baby who would have had mommy’s nose and daddy’s eyes. But, each month, there is the hope that maybe that baby will be conceived after all. No matter how hard they try to prepare themselves for bad news, they still hope that this month will be different. Then, the bad news comes again, and the grief washes over the infertile couple anew. This process happens month after month, year after year. It is like having a deep cut that keeps getting opened right when it starts to heal.

As the couple moves into infertility treatments, the pain increases while the bank account depletes. Most infertility treatments involve using hormones, which alter the user’s moods. (That statement is like calling a lion a cat-my husband would tell you that the side effect is insanity!) The tests are invasive and embarrassing to both parties, and you feel like the doctor has taken over your bedroom. And for all of this discomfort, you pay a lot of money. Infertility treatments are expensive, and most insurance companies do not cover the costs. So, in addition to the pain of not conceiving a baby each month, the couple pays out anywhere from $300 to five figures, depending upon the treatment used.

A couple will eventually resolve the infertility problem in one of three ways:
They will eventually conceive a baby.
They will stop the infertility treatments and choose to live without children.
They will find an alternative way to parent, such as by adopting a child or becoming a foster parent.

Reaching a resolution can take years, so your infertile loved ones need your emotional support during this journey. Most people don’t know what to say, so they wind up saying the wrong thing, which only makes the journey so much harder for their loved ones. Knowing what not to say is half of the battle to providing support.

Don’t Tell Them to Relax
Everyone knows someone who had trouble conceiving but then finally became pregnant once she “relaxed.” Couples who are able to conceive after a few months of “relaxing” are not infertile. By definition, a couple is not diagnosed as “infertile” until they have tried unsuccessfully to become pregnant for a full year. In fact, most infertility specialists will not treat a couple for infertility until they have tried to become pregnant for a year. This year weeds out the people who aren’t infertile but just need to “relax.” Those that remain are truly infertile.

Comments such as “just relax” or “try going on a cruise” create even more stress for the infertile couple, particularly the woman. The woman feels like she is doing something wrong when, in fact, there is a good chance that there is a physical problem preventing her from becoming pregnant.
These comments can also reach the point of absurdity. As a couple, my husband and I underwent two surgeries, numerous inseminations, hormone treatments, and four years of poking and prodding by doctors. Yet, people still continued to say things like, “If you just relaxed on a cruise . . .” Infertility is a diagnosable medical problem that must be treated by a doctor, and even with treatment, many couples will NEVER successfully conceive a child. Relaxation itself does not cure medical infertility.

Don’t Minimize the Problem
Failure to conceive a baby is a very painful journey. Infertile couples are surrounded by families with children. These couples watch their friends give birth to two or three children, and they watch those children grow while the couple goes home to the silence of an empty house. These couples see all of the joy that a child brings into someone’s life, and they feel the emptiness of not being able to experience the same joy.

Comments like, “Just enjoy being able to sleep late . . . .travel . . etc.,” do not offer comfort. Instead, these comments make infertile people feel like you are minimizing their pain. You wouldn’t tell somebody whose parent just died to be thankful that he no longer has to buy Father’s Day or Mother’s Day cards. Losing that one obligation doesn’t even begin to compensate for the incredible loss of losing a parent. In the same vein, being able to sleep late or travel does not provide comfort to somebody who desperately wants a child.

Don’t Say There Are Worse Things That Could Happen
Along the same lines, don’t tell your friend that there are worse things that she could be going through. Who is the final authority on what is the “worst” thing that could happen to someone? Is it going through a divorce? Watching a loved one die? Getting raped? Losing a job?
Different people react to different life experiences in different ways. To someone who has trained his whole life for the Olympics, the “worst” thing might be experiencing an injury the week before the event. To someone who has walked away from her career to become a stay-at-home wife for 40 years, watching her husband leave her for a younger woman might be the “worst” thing. And, to a woman whose sole goal in life has been to love and nurture a child, infertility may indeed be the “worst” thing that could happen.

People wouldn’t dream of telling someone whose parent just died, “It could be worse: both of your parents could be dead.” Such a comment would be considered cruel rather than comforting. In the same vein, don’t tell your friend that she could be going through worse things than infertility.

Don’t Say They Aren’t Meant to Be Parents
One of the cruelest things anyone ever said to me is, “Maybe God doesn’t intend for you to be a mother.” How incredibly insensitive to imply that I would be such a bad mother that God felt the need to divinely sterilize me. If God were in the business of divinely sterilizing women, don’t you think he would prevent the pregnancies that end in abortions? Or wouldn’t he sterilize the women who wind up neglecting and abusing their children? Even if you aren’t religious, the “maybe it’s not meant to be” comments are not comforting. Infertility is a medical condition, not a punishment from God or Mother Nature.

Don’t Ask Why They Aren’t Trying IVF
In vitro fertilization (IVF) is a method in which the woman harvests multiple eggs, which are then combined with the man’s sperm in a petri dish. This is the method that can produce multiple births. People frequently ask, “Why don’t you just try IVF?” in the same casual tone they would use to ask, “Why don’t you try shopping at another store?”
There are many reasons why a couple would choose not to pursue this option. Here are a few of them.

IVF is Expensive with Low Odds
One cycle of IVF is very expensive. With all of the hype in the news, many people assume that IVF is a sure thing when, in fact, the odds of success for each cycle are low. Most couples cannot afford to try for one month, much less for multiple times. Considering that it also costs a significant amount of money to adopt a baby, many couples opt for the “sure thing” rather then risking their money on much lower odds.

IVF is Physically Taxing
Undergoing IVF treatments is very rigorous. The woman must inject shots into her thigh daily to cause her ovaries to superovulate. The drugs used are very taxing on the woman, and they can cause her to be become extremely emotional.

IVF Raises Ethical Issues
Ironically, couples who undergo IVF to become parents may have to selectively abort one or more fetuses if multiple eggs are fertilized. Many couples cannot bring themselves to abort a baby when they have worked so hard to become parents. If the couple chooses not to selectively abort, they run the risk of multiple births.

Don’t Offer Unsolicited Opinions If They Are Trying IVF
On the flip side of the coin, don’t offer unsolicited advice to your friends who do choose to try IVF. For many couples, IVF is the only way they will ever give birth to a baby. This is a huge decision for them to make, for all of the reasons I outlined above.

If the couple has resolved any ethical issues, don’t muddy the waters. IVF is a gray area in many ethical circles, and many of our moral leaders don’t yet know how to answer the ethical questions that have arisen from this new technology. If the couple has resolved these issues already, you only make it harder by raising the ethical questions again. Respect their decision, and offer your support. If you can’t offer your support due to ethical differences of opinion, then say nothing.

A couple who chooses the IVF route has a hard, expensive road ahead, and they need your support more than ever. The hormones are no cakewalk, and the financial cost is enormous. Your friend would not be going this route if there were an easier way, and the fact that she is willing to endure so much is further proof of how much she truly wants to parent a child. The hormones will make her more emotional, so offer her your support and keep your questions to yourself.

Don’t Play Doctor
Once your infertile friends are under a doctor’s care, the doctor will run them through numerous tests to determine why they aren’t able to conceive. There a numerous reasons that a couple may not be able to conceive. Here are a few of them:
Blocked fallopian tubes
Cysts
Endometriosis
Low hormone levels
Low “normal form” sperm count
Low progesterone level
Low sperm count
Low sperm motility
Thin uterine walls

Infertility is a complicated problem to diagnose, and reading an article or book on infertility will not make you an “expert” on the subject. Let your friends work with their doctor to diagnose and treat the problem. Your friends probably already know more about the causes and solutions of infertility than you will ever know.

You may feel like you are being helpful by reading up on infertility, and there is nothing wrong with learning more about the subject. The problem comes when you try to “play doctor” with your friends. They already have a doctor with years of experience in diagnosing and treating the problem. They need to work with and trust their doctor to treat the problem. You only complicate the issue when you throw out other ideas that you have read about. The doctor knows more about the causes and solutions; let your friends work with their doctor to solve the problem.

Don’t Be Crude
It is appalling that I even have to include this paragraph, but some of you need to hear this-Don’t make crude jokes about your friend’s vulnerable position. Crude comments like “I’ll donate the sperm” or “Make sure the doctor uses your sperm for the insemination” are not funny, and they only irritate your friends.

Don’t Complain About Your Pregnancy
This message is for pregnant women-Just being around you is painful for your infertile friends. Seeing your belly grow is a constant reminder of what your infertile friend cannot have. Unless an infertile women plans to spend her life in a cave, she has to find a way to interact with pregnant women. However, there are things you can do as her friend to make it easier.

The number one rule is DON’T COMPLAIN ABOUT YOUR PREGNANCY. I understand from my friends that, when you are pregnant, your hormones are going crazy and you experience a lot of discomfort, such as queasiness, stretch marks, and fatigue. You have every right to vent about the discomforts to any one else in your life, but don’t put your infertile friend in the position of comforting you.

Your infertile friend would give anything to experience the discomforts you are enduring because those discomforts come from a baby growing inside of you. When I heard a pregnant woman complain about morning sickness, I would think, “I’d gladly throw up for nine straight months if it meant I could have a baby.” When a pregnant woman would complain about her weight gain, I would think, “I would cut off my arm if I could be in your shoes.”

I managed to go to baby showers and hospitals to welcome my friends’ new babies, but it was hard. Without exception, it was hard. Stay sensitive to your infertile friend’s emotions, and give her the leeway that she needs to be happy for you while she cries for herself. If she can’t bring herself to hold your new baby, give her time. She isn’t rejecting you or your new baby; she is just trying to work her way through her pain to show sincere joy for you. The fact that she is willing to endure such pain in order to celebrate your new baby with you speaks volumes about how much your friendship means to her.

Don’t Treat Them Like They Are Ignorant
For some reason, some people seem to think that infertility causes a person to become unrealistic about the responsibilities of parenthood. I don’t follow the logic, but several people told me that I wouldn’t ache for a baby so much if I appreciated how much responsibility was involved in parenting.

Let’s face it-no one can fully appreciate the responsibilities involved in parenting until they are, themselves, parents. That is true whether you successfully conceived after one month or after 10 years. The length of time you spend waiting for that baby does not factor in to your appreciation of responsibility. If anything, people who have been trying to become pregnant longer have had more time to think about those responsibilities. They have also probably been around lots of babies as their friends started their families.

Perhaps part of what fuels this perception is that infertile couples have a longer time to “dream” about what being a parent will be like. Like every other couple, we have our fantasies-my child will sleep through the night, would never have a tantrum in public, and will always eat his vegetables. Let us have our fantasies. Those fantasies are some of the few parent-to-be perks that we have-let us have them. You can give us your knowing looks when we discover the truth later.

Don’t Gossip About Your Friend’s Condition
Infertility treatments are very private and embarrassing, which is why many couples choose to undergo these treatments in secret. Men especially are very sensitive to letting people know about infertility testing, such as sperm counts. Gossiping about infertility is not usually done in a malicious manner. The gossipers are usually well-meaning people who are only trying to find out more about infertility so they can help their loved ones.

Regardless of why you are sharing this information with someone else, it hurts and embarrasses your friend to find out that Madge the bank teller knows what your husband’s sperm count is and when your next period is expected. Infertility is something that should be kept as private as your friend wants to keep it. Respect your friend’s privacy, and don’t share any information that your friend hasn’t authorized.

Don’t Push Adoption (Yet)
Adoption is a wonderful way for infertile people to become parents. (As an adoptive parent, I can fully vouch for this!!) However, the couple needs to work through many issues before they will be ready to make an adoption decision. Before they can make the decision to love a “stranger’s baby,” they must first grieve the loss of that baby with Daddy’s eyes and Mommy’s nose. Adoption social workers recognize the importance of the grieving process. When my husband and I went for our initial adoption interview, we expected the first question to be, “Why do you want to adopt a baby?” Instead, the question was, “Have you grieved the loss of your biological child yet?” Our social worker emphasized how important it is to shut one door before you open another.

You do, indeed, need to grieve this loss before you are ready to start the adoption process. The adoption process is very long and expensive, and it is not an easy road. So, the couple needs to be very sure that they can let go of the hope of a biological child and that they can love an adopted baby. This takes time, and some couples are never able to reach this point. If your friend cannot love a baby that isn’t her “own,” then adoption isn’t the right decision for her, and it is certainly not what is best for the baby.

Mentioning adoption in passing can be a comfort to some couples. (The only words that ever offered me comfort were from my sister, who said, “Whether through pregnancy or adoption, you will be a mother one day.”) However, “pushing” the issue can frustrate your friend. So, mention the idea in passing if it seems appropriate, and then drop it. When your friend is ready to talk about adoption, she will raise the issue herself.

So, what can you say to your infertile friends? Unless you say “I am giving you this baby,” there is nothing you can say that will erase their pain. So, take that pressure off of yourself. It isn’t your job to erase their pain, but there is a lot you can do to lesson the load. Here are a few ideas.

Let Them Know That You Care
The best thing you can do is let your infertile friends know that you care. Send them cards. Let them cry on your shoulder. If they are religious, let them know you are praying for them. Offer the same support you would offer a friend who has lost a loved one. Just knowing they can count on you to be there for them lightens the load and lets them know that they aren’t going through this alone.

Remember Them on Mother’s Day
With all of the activity on Mother’s Day, people tend to forget about women who cannot become mothers. Mother’s Day is an incredibly painful time for infertile women. You cannot get away from it-There are ads on the TV, posters at the stores, church sermons devoted to celebrating motherhood, and all of the plans for celebrating with your own mother and mother-in-law.
Mother’s Day is an important celebration and one that I relish now that I am a mother. However, it was very painful while I was waiting for my baby. Remember your infertile friends on Mother’s Day, and send them a card to let them know you are thinking of them. They will appreciate knowing that you haven’t “forgotten” them.

Support Their Decision to Stop Treatments
No couple can endure infertility treatments forever. At some point, they will stop. This is an agonizing decision to make, and it involves even more grief. Even if the couple chooses to adopt a baby, they must still first grieve the loss of that baby who would have had mommy’s nose and daddy’s eyes.

Once the couple has made the decision to stop treatments, support their decision. Don’t encourage them to try again, and don’t discourage them from adopting, if that is their choice. Once the couple has reached resolution (whether to live without children, adopt a child, or become foster parents), they can finally put that chapter of their lives behind them. Don’t try to open that chapter again.

My own addition: Don’t apologize for any of these no-nos you’ve said in the past. If you’re still on good terms with the person, chances are they’ve moved on and chalked up your flub to non-infertile ignorance and have decided to forgive and forget. Don’t kill the forget part and make them relive the infertility faux pas.

Softball!

I had my first softball game of the season yesterday. I grew up playing (about 12-13 years) and I LOVE the sport. This year an old friend I used to play with asked me to join her slow-pitch coed team. I jumped at the chance to play again. I haven't been on the field in about 6 years!

Our captain is not the most organized individual, so we did not get together to practice prior to the game. In fact, I met most of my team for the first time about 20 minutes before game time. They didn't even show up that early to warm up!

All of that considered, we didn't do too bad. We played a team (The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, LOL) that has played together for a few years and clearly they've been practicing. We got our butts kicked (beat by 5 runs), but I had FUN! I played really well. I hit a screaming line-drive to left field and had one other base hit. I did have one error fielding (I play third base) when the ball took a bad hop and launched off my forearm (OUCH!). But, not bad for my first outing in six years. The people on my team, and even the team we played against, are funny and good players. I really look forward to making new friends and reconnecting with old ones.

But can I tell you I am SORE today. HOLYMOTHEROFGOD my legs hurt. You wouldn't think a slow pitch softball league would be strenuous, but damn. Apparently I don't use these muscles often. My abs and thighs are on fire today. And my arms. And my back. I'm old and out of shape, ya'll. All of this squating will be good for the buns though. Eye on the prize! ;)

Uneventful Week

Not a whole lot to report these days. I'm feeling less and less overwhelmed and I'm looking forward to starting fresh with the next step in our game plan in a couple weeks. Work has been keeping me really busy, but the twitch in my left eye tells me I am ready for the weekend!

J and I are babysitting tonight. Spending the evening with R's beautiful babes. Not a shabby way to start the weekend.

TGIF bitches!

Shut it FF!

Screw you and your tentative crosshairs. What the hell do you know!? Must you mock my lack of ovulation skills?

::kicks dirt muttering stupideffingfertilityfriendthinkinitknowsmoreaboutthestatusofmyutethanido::

Love.

After what can only be described as a rough week, I had a great weekend.

First of all, I have amazing friends. Both friends I've met online and those I've known from 'real life'. The amount of support that I have received from a group of women that I love and admire means the world to me. I've gotten text messages, emails, comments, phone calls and IM chats all with an outpouring of love, positivity, and support. Knowing that we have so many people in our corner, and not just any 'people', but kick-ass, smart, amazing people, takes a little bit of the weight from my shoulders. You each have contributed so much to our life, in so many different ways. I'm grateful for you. I hope that when you need it I can give you as much love as you have given me.

Saturday was a blast. We spent the day downtown with a couple of friends and then met up with a bigger group for dinner and drinks that night. It was GORGEOUS outside. We shopped, walked around Pike Place Market, and just explored downtown visiting cute boutique stores and undiscovered cafes. A girlfriend of mine got a dslr about the same time I did and it was really fun to rediscover a city we both know and love. Our city through a lens gives such a fun and different perspective. I will have to share a couple of shots once I have a chance to get them off the camera.

At one point it was just J and I walking the streets and chatting and I got all teary eyed (for the 974th time this week). I was just SO happy. I was overcome with this feeling of joy and realization for how lucky I really am. No ones life is perfect. But, other than screwy lady bits I'm getting in better shape, I am healthy, I have a happy family, the best friends a girl could ever ask for, the most amazing partner in the world, a new hobby I enjoy and am actually good at, a beautiful sunny day in a city that makes me feel alive... I couldn't wipe the smile off my face. It was a great feeling.

I found a couple of photography classes in the local community college course guide and J is insisting I take them. I am looking forward to learning to use my camera and hone my photography skills. I think I have a decent 'eye', but I've never taken a single class. Oh, and I joined a softball team that starts this weekend! I think it is really going to help to have these fun outlets. Just a little something to distract my body and mind. Who knows, maybe I will fit that cliche 'you'll get pregnant once you stop trying'. It's worth a shot!

Not Great News.

I had an ultrasound yesterday. It was CD13 and the doc was checking to see if my follicles were developing and ready for ovulation.

We had a chat before my rendezvous with the dildo cam about what we wanted to do depending on the results. If I was developing and looking like I was close to where I should be, did we want to do a trigger shot of HSG to force the issue? If we did that, did we want to go forward with IUI or attempt to time sex the old fashion way. We had decided that we'd trigger and time it the old fashion way. If I was not developing we had decided that I would change meds. He said that if a woman is "Clomid resistant" they will typically respond better to this other med (for the life of me I cannot remember the name! It is driving me crazy........). We could go that route and it can take a couple of months to impact me and help me ovulate.

Well, it turns out that I did not respond AT ALL. My follicles were the same size they were during my CD4 check up. .82 & .90 Doc said that usually at this stage you would see ovaries with follicles at twice that size. Well shit. That was kind of a kick to the stomach. Honestly I was really surprised not to have any response. The rest of our conversation was mostly a blur because I was just zoned out. However, there was one part that stuck. He said that after we try this medication, if we're not successful we'll need to move on to more 'serious' measures. Hormone therapy, steroids, etc. He said at that time he would need to refer me to a specialist for treatment. It really sunk in then. This whole process has been surreal from the beginning. Like it wasn't possible we were actually talking about my life and my body. That's over. It hit home that this isn't a fluke. I really am damaged goods.

I managed to make it out of the office with J, who of course hasn't stopped talking about how we'll make this work, this medicine will be better than the last, and how it was good to have a plan. I just nodded a long. We'd met at the hospital, so we had to drive home separately. The minute I got in my car I started sobbing. Like hyperventilating, snotty, hiccup crying. WHY!? What did I do so wrong that I deserve this?! Does God know something I don't? Does he know I will be an awful mother or something?

J did his best all evening to cheer me up. He even sat on the edge of the tub while I showered and tried to give me a pep talk. "Well work this out, Sweepea. Please don't be sad. You haven't given up hope, have you?" Broke my heart. So, of course I cried again.

New game plan: take this new medicine next cycle (this cycle is done with as far as I'm concerned), return for another mid-cycle check-up and see how things are going. We'll go the trigger route if they're good and J and I are still chatting about whether or not we'll do IUI vs. naturally timing sex. I'm just going to refuse to think about anything past that until we have to. Denial is a strong survival mechanism.

Have I mentioned recently that this whole thing just SUCKS. I hate it. I hate all of it.

Guest Blogging

Infertility is a tricky subject to write about. I struggle with it constantly because it is difficult to put the emotions into words or the appropriate context. I am forever grateful for this tiny corner of the blogosphere because I can come here anytime I need to and just word-vomit on all of you all. (Excellent visual, no? lol) It is incredibly valuable to me to just get it out. Out of my mind and into the universe so that I can move on.

That brings me back to the title of this post, guest blogging. My dear friend Rachel (you all know here as R around these parts) has started a fantastic new blog: http://www.withrootsandwings.com/ . It is here that she is sharing with the world her experiences in all things Mommy. Reviews, weight loss, health, adorable Landon updates/pictures, etc. Rachel asked me a month or so ago if I would be comfortable writing a guest blog for her site talking about my experience. I was flattered that she would ask and I accepted. It took me forever to get anything written. Where do I start? What does the audience want to know about? There is just SO much I could say, I couldn't get my thoughts in a straight line.

But, I've done it, and I may do it again if the right time comes. I know I cannot speak for all of us suffering with IF, but I hope I did it even the slightest bit justice. Check it out and let me know what you think. And thanks again for always being there to listen. Even through the craziness.

Chubby Check In

Being that we were traveling to see family, I'd bet you can connect the dots with just how well we ate this week. Not great. Grandpa's favorite treat was Oreos and they were everywhere! One thing you must know about me, if you don't already, is I have no restraint. None.

What I did do really well while we were gone is exercise! I got a couple days in at the gym before we left and I got tons of exercise in AZ! We hiked Madera Canyon one morning (I'm guessing at about 3ish miles roundtrip) and then another morning we walked a trail for a total of 7 miles! Boy were my knees sore after that and the plane ride home... yuck. But, I felt great! I have more energy today and am looking forward to the gym this afternoon.

How did the scales fair? As of this morning I was the same as before I'd left. That's pretty good considering my diet. Back at it this week.