Friday, March 5, 2010

Not Great News.

I had an ultrasound yesterday. It was CD13 and the doc was checking to see if my follicles were developing and ready for ovulation.

We had a chat before my rendezvous with the dildo cam about what we wanted to do depending on the results. If I was developing and looking like I was close to where I should be, did we want to do a trigger shot of HSG to force the issue? If we did that, did we want to go forward with IUI or attempt to time sex the old fashion way. We had decided that we'd trigger and time it the old fashion way. If I was not developing we had decided that I would change meds. He said that if a woman is "Clomid resistant" they will typically respond better to this other med (for the life of me I cannot remember the name! It is driving me crazy........). We could go that route and it can take a couple of months to impact me and help me ovulate.

Well, it turns out that I did not respond AT ALL. My follicles were the same size they were during my CD4 check up. .82 & .90 Doc said that usually at this stage you would see ovaries with follicles at twice that size. Well shit. That was kind of a kick to the stomach. Honestly I was really surprised not to have any response. The rest of our conversation was mostly a blur because I was just zoned out. However, there was one part that stuck. He said that after we try this medication, if we're not successful we'll need to move on to more 'serious' measures. Hormone therapy, steroids, etc. He said at that time he would need to refer me to a specialist for treatment. It really sunk in then. This whole process has been surreal from the beginning. Like it wasn't possible we were actually talking about my life and my body. That's over. It hit home that this isn't a fluke. I really am damaged goods.

I managed to make it out of the office with J, who of course hasn't stopped talking about how we'll make this work, this medicine will be better than the last, and how it was good to have a plan. I just nodded a long. We'd met at the hospital, so we had to drive home separately. The minute I got in my car I started sobbing. Like hyperventilating, snotty, hiccup crying. WHY!? What did I do so wrong that I deserve this?! Does God know something I don't? Does he know I will be an awful mother or something?

J did his best all evening to cheer me up. He even sat on the edge of the tub while I showered and tried to give me a pep talk. "Well work this out, Sweepea. Please don't be sad. You haven't given up hope, have you?" Broke my heart. So, of course I cried again.

New game plan: take this new medicine next cycle (this cycle is done with as far as I'm concerned), return for another mid-cycle check-up and see how things are going. We'll go the trigger route if they're good and J and I are still chatting about whether or not we'll do IUI vs. naturally timing sex. I'm just going to refuse to think about anything past that until we have to. Denial is a strong survival mechanism.

Have I mentioned recently that this whole thing just SUCKS. I hate it. I hate all of it.


  1. If you call yourself damanged goods ONE MORE TIME I WILL BE IN SEATTLE SO FAST THAT YOU CAN'T SEE STRAIGHT!!!!!!!!!!
    and not in a good way. Not in the fun, visiting, playing jeopardy way.
    Life is what it is. It isn't easy or fair. I hate that, and I especially hate that you have to feel this way even for one second. But it is time to focus on what will happen. What WILL happen is that you WILL have a baby. What WILL happen is that you will be a mommy, and J will be a daddy. What WILL happen is that you will have all you ever wanted (I sang that, Wicked style), but maybe not on your timetable.
    I know that sucks. I know that I am like you in that I want what I want and I want it effing now. I am not religious enough or have enough faith to believe much, but I believe that things work out the way they are meant to. That is the worst possible thing to say, and you can want to hit me for it, but the reeason I say it is because it will work out. It absolutely, positively will, and you will be a stronger and better person for it.
    Now that I've written this novel to you, what I want to remind you of is that you're loved, whole-heartedly and unquestionably. Everyone wants to take away your pain and fix this, but all we can do is be here for you and remind you how wonderful it will be on the day that you look on that u/s screen and see a flickering heartbeat.
    I promise you will see that day.
    And I love you.

  2. I'm sitting in my downstairs bawling. I'm crying because I love you, because I KNOW you will be a good mom, an amazing mom, the kind of mom who chases her kids around Target, to hell with what people think. I'm crying because I can't help you, can't make you feel better, can't make you ovulate. I'm crying because no amount of Drop Dead Fred or cheesy rice or girl scout cookies can magically make this go away. I'm crying because you feel broken, and helpless, and because it should never, ever cross your mind that you're having trouble conceiving because you'd be a bad parent.

    This will work itself out. We can't see how or when yet, but it will. Someday, I will buy your child the most obnoxious messy loud toys that have ever been, and I will teach them things you don't want them to know, and I will talk you down when your three year old has her first bloody head trauma. I will. I promise.

    I love you, and if there is ANYTHING I can do, please let me know. I bought the fixins for cheesy rice today. You know, just in case.

  3. 好熱鬧喔 大家踴躍的留言 讓部落格更有活力........................................

  4. We don't know each other, but I can really relate to the feelings that you wrote about. I hate it too, and I'm praying that this new medication will work for you. Hang in there - it sounds like you have a terrific husband and great friends to support you!

  5. I am so sorry you are going through this. You will not be an awful mother, all of this crap you have to go through to get to that baby is going to make you a more amazing mother than you have the foresight to see right now. This is not your fault. Keep at it, I know it sucks horribly, but you will get to the finish line and have a result more wonderful than you can imagine. Hang in there!