Answers!

Here are the answers to the few questions asked last week:

How has IF changed you? (good and bad) I know this is a really vague question, but just go with it. :)
IF has changed me a great deal. Both for the good and the bad.
The Good – I have learned A. Lot. about my body. I feel educated and confident about what (is supposed to) happens ‘down there’. My husband and I have grown much closer in the last year and a half. I know that adversity can cause a great deal of strain in relationships. Of course we have our rough days, but overall we are closer than ever. It is amazing to know I have such a strong partner through all of this. As time goes on I am learning patience (that’s a slooooow process) and to live my life. You cannot go on putting things off because you ‘might’ get pregnant. We are making plans and enjoying our friends and taking the ‘lets have fun while we can’ approach. I also feel that it IF has made me a more compassionate individual. I try not to judge people for their bad days and to be a better friend/sister/wife/daughter.
The Bad – It doesn’t get easier. The moments on disappointment, feelings of inadequacy, failure and sadness… The never ending dates with the dildo cams, the meds, the doctors appointments, the charting, the stress and the part where every month you have to tell your husband that it’s not our time yet? Yeah, file those under ‘the bad’. It’s made me a bit more guarded and has made my heart hang a little more heavily.

How did you meet your husband?
J and I met at work. I was 16 (he was 20 – scandalous, I know!) and it was one of my first jobs. Also, not long after we started dating, he was promoted and became my boss. (double scandal!)

If you could live anywhere in the world (if money, family, work was not a factor) where would it be and why?
I dream of the day when I can own a few homes around the world. I would love to have a home in Europe, another somewhere tropical, and the last in the mountains (Colorado maybe?). That way I would have access to a little bit of everything. If I had to pick only one place, it would be Seattle. I love where I live. My family is here. But, more than that, this place has EVERYTHING. Within a short drive you can be at the ocean, the desert, the mountains, the city, the farm, etc etc. It is green, lush, and beautiful.

What color is your hair?
I have always had blond hair. It has gotten darker as I’ve aged and for the first time since I was about 16, I have my natural hair color. It is almost to the point where I’m going to have to start calling it ‘light brown’. Perhaps someday I’ll give you a peak. :)

Thankful Thursday

1. Memories - This weekend marks 6 years since my grandfather passed away. He was the glue of our family. We're not nearly as connected as we were before. My grandmother has not been the same since (I suppose that will happen when you marry someone at 17 and are together for 50+ year). However, I am eternally grateful for the time I did get to have him and the influence his memory has on my life today. I miss him terribly.

2. Long Weekends - I had today off and I don't have to return until next Tuesday. We're camping this weekend and I hope it is just the break I needed.

3. Growing Follicles and Positive OPK's - I am certain that I ovulated Tuesday/Wednesday. We have gone at it like rabbits this week and now we're patiently (or not) trying to survive the dreaded 2 week wait. Even if this turns out not to be our time, I'll be sad, but grateful for the forward progress. I finally feel like we took a step forward.

4. My New Laptop! - I finally broke down an bought a new laptop. I love it. I love Windows 7. I love the bright and beautiful screen. I love how fast it is and how I can now edit my photos in a matter of minutes and not hours. Love. Love. Love.

5. My Mom and Sister - since 'outing' myself to my Mom I feel like we have gotten so much closer. I had lunch with my Mom and sister after my appointment last week and it felt great to have an open and honest conversation about what was happening. I cannot express how big of a lift that is from my shoulders. For so long I would have sat there quietly, or talked about something else. They are a great support and I love them dearly.

I'm off to spend my Memorial Day in the woods camping with great pals. It will be our little Lacey's first camping trip! I hope you all have a great holiday weekend.

::Points Below::

::Whispers::

Pssst... Did you see the Q&A below? You didn't? Well I'm glad I reminded you then. You ask, I tell. Easy enough, right??

Post HSG Update

It has been a couple of days since my trigger shot of HSG, so I thought I'd give ya'll an update.

1. My ass hurts. Okay, so it is more my hip than my ass, but still, ouch! It is tender and sore. If feels like I have a giant bruise. In fact, I keep checking for one!

2. There was definitely some crampage I've never had before on my lower right. In my mind it is because the HSG was basically a folli-steroid that caused it to get giant like Hulk and explode. Good enough visual, right? I think the fact that I could feel this may be caused by my continual constipation. It's caused some bloat and extra sensitivity in my lower regions.

3. The nurse warned me of moodiness and so far I don't think I've been too bad. Maybe you should ask J... lol

Otherwise things are good. We're cautiously optimistic and I'm certainly hoping the next two weeks fly by.

Next Steps.

I had a visit with Doc Oc this morning. It went great! I had one follicle at just over 18mm - Perfect! He didn't even bother to look for that second, smaller follicle, because this one was good enough.

"Ready for a shot?"

I've never said yes to that question faster in my life!

I am happy that we're finally moving forward, even a little bit. This small step, me with my 18mm follicle, ready to ovulate, feels like a huge step. Forward. I finally feel like that is the direction we're headed in. Progress. I'm loving that. I feel good.

So, I'm sitting here with a sore hip. The needle didn't hurt a bit, but boy did it leave its mark. I'm tender! And I couldn't be happier about it.

Speaking of happy, that is exactly what my husband is going to be after the next couple of days. ;)

Notes from my date with the dildo cam.

We (Doc Oc, J, and I) decided that our mid-cycle follicle check should be earlier this month. This was because last month I was seen on day 13 and it appeared that I had already ovulated. So, that's why I'm on CD10 and getting friendly with the dildo cam.

Let's back up for a moment. Up until the month before last my follicles haven't developed at all. They've stayed at approx. 7-9mm (my 'baseline'). Two months ago I did get a rogue folli that at CD15 was a whopping 12mm. I don't know what they were last month because we were too late. Doc Oc wants to see them at about 19-20mm before we trigger.

J wasn't able to make it today, so I was flying solo this time. And guess what? I have two follicles on my right side that are 'serious contenders'! This is the first time I've been a contender for anything. The larger of the two measured at 15mm and the smaller at 12mm and it's only day 10! My lining was on the thin side, so I'm at least a few days away before I could ovulate and be triggered. (My lining has always been very thick by midcycle, it's the only thing I've ever had going for me.)

Monday I go back to take another look around and see how it's going. If they're healthy and progressing the smaller should be between 15-18mm and the larger between 18-21mm. So, if all goes well, I have injections next week.

I am cautiously optimistic. J and I will be discussing next steps this weekend. If we get far enough to trigger, we need to decide if we'll be timing sex, or going forward with IUI.

Do we go forth and attempt to make at least a part of this process 'natural'? Or do we not waste this opportunity and go forward with the best odds? We will talk it out and I will let you know where we end up.

Question and Answer Time!

I have a few new folks that have decided I'm worthy of following. Welcome!

These new additions have inspired this Q&A opportunity. The idea isn't an original, but I've never participated, so I've decided to give it a go! I would like this to be a two-part series.

First, what questions do you have for me? My life? My struggle with IF? My weight loss?

The next installment will be next week. Questions for J! What questions do you have for Mr.S? What would you like to know about him? His thoughts on our IF process? His thoughts on being married to a crazy person? Be thinking about it!

So, fire away! Once we get a good sampling I'll compile and get backatcha.

Thankful Thursday

1. My scale. You read that right. Yup. Sounds crazy coming from me, right? Well, the reason I am thankful for my scale today is that this morning it told me I was 189.7! I met my first goal! I haven't seen that in almost 7 years. Do you know what that means? I have officially lost 48lbs. That's almost FIFTY. Sweet baby Jesus.

Can you even picture what 50lbs of fat looks like? It looks like this:



TIMES TEN! Disgusting right? I cannot believe it.

2. Photography. I am having a tremendously wonderful time in my photography classes. I've learned SO very much about my camera and myself. My teacher in fantastic and I'm meeting some really nice people.

3. Photography. Yes, I'm mentioning it twice. Want to know why? Well of course you do or you wouldn't be here! One of MY photos was selected by THE Pioneer Woman herself as one of the 10 day one shots for this weeks photography assignment 'happiness'. You can see it HERE. Mine is of the cat by Sweetpeas Snapshots. How cool is that!? This picture is older, I'd only had my camera about a month when I took this. I was STUNNED when I was casually perusing through photos yesterday morning and BAM - one of them was MINE. Craziness. I am under no delusions that my photo will stand a chance against the other truly great images, but I was really flattered.

4. Friends. Last week was another rough one after our BFN. I have some truly wonderful and supportive people in my life, you all included, and I am grateful for the support you've given me. This is hard, starting over again and again SUCKS, it isn't fair. But, that's life. Anything worth having is worth the struggle, and this is worth it. So thanks for the pick me ups along the way. You're the bestest.

5. Did I mention that I finally got below 190 this morning? OH! I did?? Oops. :)

"I feel much better now that I've given up hope."

I was at one of my photography classes last night and my professor gave us one of his favorite book titles 'I feel much better now that I've give up hope.' He said that he thinks of this every time he is shooting in the field.

I loved it.

Not in the obvious, initial, probably depressing, interpretation. We, I especially, tend to have these unrealistic expectations for ourselves. We go out to accomplish something, like a photo shoot or conceiving a child, and we have an agenda. Something we are trying to accomplish. That this is just a means to an end. Instead we should be living the experience. Be genuine. Go in with an open mind and be intimate (not literally you perves!) with your subject matter. Be patient. (YEAH RIGHT! lol) Appreciate your surroundings and be open to experiences.

You can't work for National Geographic and go out in the field thinking 'I HAVE to get THE shot today!' That's too much pressure. How can you relax and do your best work under those conditions? You couldn't possibly be fully present.

I am totally taking on this approach with my photography and my life. I've officially given up hope. Okay, so not really, but I'm going to fake it 'til I make it. Remind myself going in that my life will not END if we don't conceive (again) this month. It will hurt, but that is another experience that will make me a richer individual. (can I be poor instead? okay, enough jokes.) I can be upset, I need to allow myself to do that. What I cannot allow myself to do is continue to dig further into this rut. I've got to take steps forward and get back above ground.

Meanwhile, I am going to spend this weekend using my frustration, pain, and self-loathing to my artist advantage. Thank God for creative outlets!

Speaking of Emotions

A dear friend of mine Krista wrote in her blog today something that struck a cord with me. She said, "I show more emotion HERE and to those who know me online then to those who only know me IRL." I have had this thought a few times and wanted to chat about it for a second.

My blog is all over the place. I'm motivated and actually living my life one day, and the next I'm crush and my heart aches from it all. I get that, but that is just the way it is around these IF parts. I just have to try and deal with all of the ups and downs. Part of the way I do that is my wordvomit here. Because IRL? Yeah, no dice. About 10 people, include J and I, know what is happening. So all of my conversations and silly things like Facebook status updates are about things that, in comparison, mean nothing to me. Most times I can't even think of what I possibly could say, so I don't.

I'm sure Krista and I aren't alone in this. How do I fix it? When do I bare all? Or do I ever? If they ask, do I tell? Or do I avoid it and change the subject? I'm sure my friends that know ask themselves that same question, Do I ask her about it? Just add those to the list of questions I don't have answers for.

CD1. Again.

Yup, I started my period.

Why?

Why can I never take a single step forward? What am I doing wrong to deserve this?

How long am I going to be forced to live in this land of waiting? I don't like it here.

When will it be my turn?I feel like every move we make puts us to the back of another really long line. (Does that happen to you at the grocery store? You get in a short line and it turns out to be a longer wait, so you move only to have it happen again in the next line??)

I feel a little more dead on the inside each time this happens. Each month the pain and disappointment give me less and less of an emotional response. Chipping away a little bit each time. Feeling more numb each time.

We're starting over again. Again with the medications and reinstating the charting. Again with the doctors appointments and dates with the dildo cam. Again with planning our sex life. Again with the words of sympathy when the few that know ask me expectantly 'Well??? How did it go???' How do I keep coming up with new ways to say it didn't work out? That I couldn't make it happen, again.

I am grateful for being left with so much to do at work this week. It will distract me from that canyon that keeps growing and expanding in my heart. It hurts, but I don't have time to deal with it.

So much for curing my emotional instability today.

Emotionally Unbalanced

While the fact that I'm emotionally unbalanced may not be news, I've got to get it in check.

Here is the evidence:
1. I read the Pioneer Woman's post about her son getting props from Wolverine. And felt that tear pinch in my throat at the end when she talked about her 5 year old sons life being complete. (how embarrassing is it that I admit this stuff!?)
2. J and I finished watching Betty White's kickass appearance on SNL. At the end when she is thanking everyone and they bring her flowers, I totally cried. Don't get me wrong, Betty White kicks some serious tail. She's feisty and I love that. But, I'm no die hard BW fan.
3. Every year my company adopts about 120 people at Christmas time. Well, the organizations and families we supported this year sent us a bunch of thank you cards (that our director just finally brought to our monthly meeting). Totally got choked up! AT WORK. Thankfully someone else was talking because I'm not sure I could have gotten words out without my voice cracking.

This was just in the last 24 hours and I'm positive there are at least 1-2 more cases I could be making, but must be blocking out as a self defense mechanism. Maybe I need a drink? Or a vacation? Yes, I think vacation would do. I'm LOSING it here folks!

No changes.

Still no AF to speak of. (TMI Warning) I thought I'd started yesterday while I was running up a couple flights of stairs to a meeting. I rushed to the bathroom praising God I was wearing black pants to find a decent amount of CM instead. Gross!

Last week I was ramping up for AF. There was all the typical stuff (breakouts, sore boobs, crankiness, bloating). And now? It's going away. Like it would after my period was over. Except for the fact that I haven't been able to poop for 48 hours. Hence the bloat is still present. Blech. This fact totally screwed me in my biggest loser weigh in yesterday. Gained 2lbs this week. Okay, so it may have been partially my constipated bloat problem, and partially the Ghirardelli turtle brownie and caramel toffee ice cream I helped J finish on Saturday... don't judge!

J and I agreed that we will not test again until I still haven't gotten my period by Saturday. I think I have enough going on this week to distract me until then.

I start photography classes tonight! I cannot tell you how excited I am.

Limbo

Still no AF.

No cramps, but my boobs are still incredibly sore (better today than yesterday though).

Took a test again yesterday, just for the hell of it, and it was negative. I'm going to wait until mid-week and test again if she still doesn't show. Today is only CD26 and we were basing our testing off of early ovulation.

So, all hope isn't completely gone, but I'm not feeling too positive.

That's my update. I'm not a fan of limbo-land.

Negative.

This mornings test was negative.

I really feel like AF is just around the corner. Tender boobs, crankiness (especially now), and an uneasy tummy.

I was really hoping this month was it. :/

I'm off to try and salvage the day. It is a beautiful sunshiny day in Seattle. The hubs and I are taking the motorcycles out and then hitting the beach with the dogs.


Happy Mothers Day to all of those Mama's out there. I hope you have a wonderful weekend.

Random ramblings and thoughts on my blog.

I was thinking about my blog last night and how i feel as though I'm lacking direction or a real 'identity'. I'm fairly certain that the few people that drop by probably already know I'm a nutter because my thoughts are never clearly organized and my moods are all over the place.

I think where my blog struggles is that it is fairly anonymous. Because I have chosen not to put my face (which is less resembling pizza every day I might add) on my blog, maybe that is just how it will have to be?

I was asked once why I chose to have an anonymous blog and if it was because of our IF struggles. The answer is yes, and no. Yes, the blog is anonymous because of our struggles. There are a few other elements that play into it as well. I discuss openly my weight, state of my ladybits, and other things I consider personal. The reason for the anonymity though is because I didn't want people in my real life judging or pitying me. Sad as that may seem I wanted a safe place to lay it all out there without one of my employees, or my mother in law, finding it.

Judgement and pity are part of IF. I know that most good people try not to, but you can see it in their eyes and even worse in their voice on the phone. I want people in my life to treat me as they always have and for the most part let me worry about feeling sorry for myself, without having to also feel bad that you feel bad. (Did that make sense at all!? lol) I want to be clear though that it is not because I am ashamed. It is not that I am embarrassed of myself, or my PCOS/Infertility.

Maybe someday I will change my mind. While I am proud to see some of my old bump peeps like Blair and Jessica sky rocket in readers and top the charts on Top Mommy Blogs, I'm just not ready to go all in yet. (Not that I would ever be able to write and entertain like the two of them anyway!)

So for now, thank you to the few that drop by. For allowing me this place to be myself, without having to out myself. These 230 or so posts have been 230 occasions where I've had a safe place to get whatever was on my mind, off my mind. I cannot express how much burden that relieves.

P.S. Tomorrow I test. Eeps!

Thankful Thursday

1. Half Days - I took a mental health half-day today. I've had kind of a rough week, so it will be nice to do nothing but lay on the couch and read until I go workout this afternoon.
2. New healthy babies - a friend of mine had her baby last night. He is healthy and mom, dad and big brother (who turns one in a week!) are happy.
3. Chef Salads - Seem to be my favorite go-to meal during this low-carb diet. I mean egg, ham, turkey, and cheese? Lettuce too of course, but who cares about that. YUM.
4. Red Bell Peppers - I'm not sure where this came from, but I cannot eat enough of them. I cut them into strips and put them in a sandwich baggy with a little bit of fat-free Italian dressing... ::drool:: I snack on them throughout the day at work. Keeps the snacky cravings away.
5. My planner - I carry it with me ALWAYS to keep my life organized, but it is going to be my life line for the next couple of months. Photography classes start next week, championship game is coming up for softball, i have two exams to take for work, there are camping trips, graduations, birthdays, etc. Busy, busy!

Good sign or bad?

I know there isn't any way to know, but that is what my mind keeps doing.

My boobs are sore and my face resembles a certain pepperoni pizza I can't eat because there are too many carbs. Blech. Seriously I haven't been this broken out since I first went off the pill almost two years ago. It is b.a.d. Big ugly red ones.

Maybe it isn't pregnancy or period. Perhaps it is just stress. I mean I do have to deliver two performance improvement plans and fire someone today... Oh the glamorous life I lead.

Is it Friday yet?

What IF?

I saw this video on Facebook yesterday and had to share. It is wonderfully done. Might want to grab a tissue though..

What IF?