Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Uncle

I give.

Instead of this appointment confirming my progress and ending with a shot in my ass, it showed that my follicles had not grown at all. In fact, they were smaller. To say I was crushed is an understatement. No trigger. No IUI.

Doc Oc apologized. We discussed my inconsistent responsiveness to the Femara. He said that he didn't think that there was anything further he could do for me except to give me the card of a doctor (RE) he works closely with at Seattle Reproductive Medicine. He felt that I am 'more complicated' and could benefit from a more aggressive treatment than he could provide. The great part about seeing this OB was that basically everything was covered by my insurance. The RE? Not a chance.

Folks, I got dumped.

There is a big difference between planning to take a break if this cycle doesn't pan out and having the cycle cut short without really ever having a chance. My heart hurts. My eyes are welling up as we speak. That 20 minute drive home, knowing my husband is waiting. Knowing that he's waiting for me to come home and tell him the plan. When is our IUI appointment? What does he need to be prepared for? Those were the questions I went in to the office with today. Questions I still don't have the answer to.

This is where I cry uncle. I feel defeated and beat down. That doesn't quite even cover it. More like I feel drawn and quartered. My heart is in a vice. I called Rachel when I left the office today and bawled. Her advice was to take the time I needed to mourn the close of this particular chapter. That's exactly what I feel like I'm doing - mourning. Mourning the loss of those three little follies that never came to be. The IUI I never got to have. Another month where I could not make my lovely and amazing husband a father.

It is time for us to take a break. To take a giant deep breath and reset. No more doctors appointments, medications, copays, pee sticks, etc. For now. Make no mistake, while we plan to take a good break, we'll be back. Wiser, more prepared, and well rested. Watch your back IF/PCOS. You may have won the battle, but we're going to win this damn war.

13 comments:

  1. Sorry to hear that this cycle was a bust. I hope you come back fully prepared and ready to fight soon!

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  2. Take all the time you need friend - one way or another you will become a mother. I'm sorry that this wasn't the time but I promise I'll be praying for you until you're holding a baby in your arms!

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  3. Oh I am so so sorry. I really hope the RE can provide a positive perspective.

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  4. I'm totally at this point as well, but you're right - we're going to win this damn war!!! So sorry this cycle was a bust, it's heartbreaking. :(

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  5. That's my girl!! I'm very proud of you. Take your time. You've earned it, that's for sure. Cry and rage and scream, then breathe, then we'll start again. And I say we on purpose, because you're not alone. I love you.

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  6. Oh sweetie, I am so very sorry. I agree with Rachel though. Wash it away, take a break, renew yourselves for the next battle because you will win this war.

    Hugs.

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  7. I'm so sorry S :-( But your attitude is awesome. You WILL win the war. ::hugs::

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  8. hugs dude.

    I'm glad we found each other, and keep going strong.

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  9. So sorry!! I remember not getting our desired result from an FET and feeling so defeated too. (We had just had a chemical from the fresh IVF (with 2) and transferred 3 in the FET and was so sure that we'd get at least 1!) Anyway, we took a 3 month break and it was the best decision for us. I came back well reseted and more "me" and became pregnant with twins on our next FET! I hope this break brings you some peace and a clear direction to the right path that will bring you your miracle(s)!
    I just featured your blog for blog love Monday! (http://stressfreeinfertilityblog.com)

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  10. I just happened upon your blog today and I am so sorry to hear about your IF struggle. And even though you are planning to take a break, I wanted to let you know that we have nothing but rave reviews for Seattle Reproductive Medicine, and, in fact, have just referred another IF friend to them. The docs/staff there are incredible and so supportive! Good luck!

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  11. Found you via ICLW...I got dumped by my OB, only to find out that I had PCOS, Clomid is a no go, and am in the 2ww of my 2nd injectables cycle (first one I overstimmed severely). I know that an RE will be able to help you a bit better. They know what they are doing! So sorry for the cancelled cycle, I feel your pain, I have had my fair share...;) ((HUGS))

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  12. A cancelled cycle is devastating. Waiting even one more day can be unbearable. When the only cure for your pain is a pregnancy (and a baby) every new hurdle seems impossible. I'm glad you have a lot of support.
    ICLW

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