I had kind of a frustrating day yesterday. It was a long busy day at work, J had worked all night, so I hadn't gotten to see him for about 24 hours straight, and all I had to look forward to when I got home was getting the dog to the vet (poor thing has an ear infection), grocery shopping, making dinner, prepping my contribution to the potluck today, paying bills, etc. Basically a night of running around until bedtime.
When I got home I tried to make our game plan with J and he reminded me that he had to go back to work that night, so he was going to need at least a few hours of sleep before he ran off. Damnit! I'd forgotten. Now I was going to have to do it all solo, again, and not see him for at least another 24 hours.
During my lonely drive to the vet, I fought back tears. For so many things in my life lately, I feel alone. I don't have friends at work because anyone I would hang out with (my age, etc) works for me and I'm not cool with the whole being BFFs with my employees bit. While J has been there for so many of our appts, etc it is still something that I was going through. I have the broken bits. I have to temp, take pills, do injections, get probed, and pee on stuff. No on in my 'real' life (non-internet besties) understands what it is I'm going through. They can be empathetic, but they don't really get me.
What that means for me is that I'm feeling personally and professionally alone. And as you might imagine, that is a bit lonely after awhile. I think that is probably why something like having to run errands and our life last night bothered me to the point of tears. I just wanted some company. Someone to hold my hand while we walked through Costco or to chat with while we waited at the vet (Lacey tries, but she's not a great conversationalist).
No, I still have not been to see a therapist. Mostly because I'm nervous, but also because we've been so busy that I haven't had the opportunity to do my research and really find someone I'll like. I've not heard great things about the Employee Assistance resources, so that was a bit discouraging. Where do you even start? I don't know that I have time to try person after person until I get a good fit. But I suppose you never know until you dive in, right? I need to sort through my crap.
It's hard to keep all of these balls in the air when you feel like you're the only one juggling.