Tuesday, November 23, 2010

The end is in sight...

The end of our break that is. 2011 is a new year. Our fresh start. After two years of struggling with infertility, we needed a break. And a break we are taking. Parts of this break have been such a relief. Can I say for just a moment how wonderful it has been not to pee on anything?! To not go to the doctors office once a week? Other parts have been challenging... I'm not certain that I'm 'healing' myself as much as I wanted to during this time. We've been so busy and by nature I'm a procrastinator, so that hasn't boded so well for the self-help portion of our break. I am not the woman-on-the-edge I was in August and that is a huge relief.

In 2011 we will resume our fight.

Now for the reason I'm writing today. I read a lot of blogs. Some I pop in and out of occasionally. Others I read religiously. I'm not always the best commentator, but I promise I'm out there reading your words and laughing/crying/praying/celebrating right along with you. I love this community and and so grateful for its many connections. Today I was visiting Lindsey (and her super cute new blog layout!) and she wrote something that really struck a cord with me.

Please read her words. I cannot say it better than she did. Don't worry, go ahead, I'll be here when you get back.

Infertility is like cancer. Each month that we are not successful at conceiving we suffer a loss. I don't want to diminish the significance of cancer or the experiences of those who have suffered miscarriages or preterm loss. However, each month, the feeling of loss, both at the child we haven't conceived, the loss of control, and the uncertainty of our future is damaging. I struggle with controlling those aspects of our experience. I can juggle appointments and schedules, try to eat right, etc. But month after month of being kicked while you're down? Questioning whether or not you can keep fighting for another two years!?

I learned something on Oprah a couple weeks back (she's a smart lady!) and that was, by not owning up to something, by not talking about it, you're letting it control you. While I frequently shoot my mouth off 'round these parts, I don't talk about our struggles with infertility a lot in 'real life'. My in-laws don't even know. While that was a decision we made together and it made sense at the time (I mean, why worry them unnecessarily?), I'm not sure that policy still makes sense for us now. We're struggling through something major in our lives.

J and I both have dreamed of being parents since we were kids. Being a mom is the only thing I've ever known I wanted to be. What if that isn't in the cards for us? What if it is and we're just not there yet?

Last week, J's great aunt died. They were not terribly close and I had only met her at our wedding. She was a nice lady and at 68 she was too young. She was J's grandmothers little sister. She died of cancer and she had never told a soul that she had it. No one. Not her children, cousins, or her big sister. No one got a chance to grieve with her. To hold her hand and tell her what they meant to her.

Is that what we're doing to our friends and family? By not sharing our experience, am I letting it control me? Am I denying my family the opportunity to support me? To adjust and acclimate to the idea that we may never give our parents a grandchild? What if someone else in my life is experiencing this and not sharing with me? Could I help someone?

(as I type this I'm having an odd out of body experience. is this really my life? just being honest with where my mind is this evening...)

I don't know the right answer to those questions and I'm not certain there is one right answer. I do know that I'm ready to take some control back. I'm ready to own up to what has become a major part of our life.

As we start our new year I'm going to be talking a bit more about my experiences with 'coming out'. Writing about talking with my friends and family. It will probably be a slow process. I mean when really is the best time to tell your mother in law that her oldest son married an infertile and that wife may not be able to provide her with a grandchild? (Can you tell that's the conversation I'm looking forward to the least? Ouch.)

Join me while I come out of the Infertile Closet? There will be some interesting changes around these parts in the new year. We'll just have to wait and see how this goes.


  1. Im so glad that you liked what I wrote and so sad that you can relate all at the same time (((hugs))). Thank you for linking my blog to your post, what an honor. Its nice to know that people out there are actually reading what I pour my heart out into!

  2. Thanks for passing that post along - and I will definitely join you while you come out of the closet. Please know you have me for support friend!

  3. I have PCOS and hubby and I have been trying for 9 months :( Until recently we have keep all of our struggles private. It seemed easier and like it would be less heartbreak on everyone. But recently (just this month) we have decided to start taking to our families about it. It's been a slow process and so far its only our immediate families but I do feel like it has helped. I feel like a weight is lifted off my shoulders a little bit. It’s nice to know you have their love and support. Best of luck to you as you start your coming out journey :)

  4. I totally get this - we've slowly been telling more and more people, and it's SO liberating to not be suffering along anymore. Best wishes on your journey...

  5. I can only speak for myself but I truly think telling everyone was a little freeing for me. It had its moments because people don't always get it and still make insensitive comments and you have to educate them but I'm a firm believer in a more educated world.
    I can't tell you the amazing support that we did recieve from some of the people in our lives. It's a personal choice but one I did make and it bonded me with some people in my family whom I never knew what they had been through.
    I like to believe that through my vocalization in life and on my blog I've helped people. :)GL sweetie and no matter what you choose, we are here for you. Big Hugs.

  6. I think all of us can relate to this post somehow. We've been TTC for 2.5 years. I was so embarrassed to tell friends and family when we started treatment, because it seemed everyone else was conceiving so easily. After a few years, I've finally started opening up a bit more. I realized that my friends and family were being insensitive (constantly asking when we were having kids, etc.) because they didn't know and didn't understand what we were going through. So even though it is hard for me to admit I am infertile, it is nice that the constant nosey questions and insensitive comments have slowed down.

  7. I too have kept our struggle quiet from my family, but as we approach the holidays, still not pregnant, I'm getting the urge to open up and share our story. I will take this post as the push I needed. Thank you!