National Infertility Awareness Week

I didn’t want the week to pass without my acknowledging NIAW. I’m grateful that, for this week especially, attention is drawn to something that so many people shy away from talking about – myself included. I will stand behind whatever needs to be said or done to make these discussions less taboo. J and I have even started discussing being more open about our struggle. That is a huge step for us. Especially J. He's a very private person.

But this year? I just don’t feel like talking about it.

I’ve been thinking about NIAW for about the last month. What could I post about during this week? I never really landed on anything meaty, because I’m honestly just not feeling it. Is it because I talk about it all year? Maybe. It’s almost like I have a performance issue. I talk about it all the time, but then when I “have” to talk about it, I can’t bring myself to do it. Okay, it’s probably because I’m stubborn. I suppose I can live with that.

While I’m not out there busting myths (LINK) or participating more actively, I’m still here. Struggling through the day-to-day of IF, always available if you need to chat, and fighting the good fight.

Not that I felt the need to justify my actions, or lack thereof I suppose, but it is just where I’m at. Those of you out there putting for the extra effort this week? Major kudos to you. Thank you for being a voice for our community. I appreciate, very much, you picking up my slack. Your support means a great deal to me.

To live in, and appreciate, the now.

Today is Easter Sunday, the start of National Infertility Awareness Week and it also happens to be my darling husbands birthday. That's a lot for one day! To honor all three of these important events, I'm spending it with those I love.

I am continuing to try and focus my life on the positives. To not spend my days solely planning and pining for the future, but to appreciate the things I have here and now. Infertility can take a number of things away from you if you let it. I am trying not to spend my life dwelling on those things. So, while I am off snuggling and spoiling my husband on his birthday (and teasing him about being old!), I will instead celebrate by leave you with the 10 things I am grateful for today.

1. I have a handsome husband who loves and supports me. No matter how crazy I am. No matter how much of our fertility struggle in 'my fault'. No matter how much I could never deserve his unyielding affection.

2. We have friends that make us laugh, hold our hand, celebrate our joys, and lend us a hand when we're in need.

3. I finally have a job that I am enjoying. That keeps me engaged and challenged.

4. We are fortunate enough to have good, stable, jobs in an economy where a number of families are not so fortunate.

5. Our upcoming trip to Europe (not possible w/o #4)

6. A stable, happy, and loving marriage. One that has had to stand up to more than its fair share of crap and is not only still here to tell the tale, but is all the stronger for it.

7. All of you. For being here, for offering up encouraging words, for commiserating, and for helping me muddle through this mess.

8. For the break we've been taking over the past 8 months. J was right when he suggested we not pick up right at the first of the year. I wasn't ready.

9. While we'd give nothing more than to have a family, I am grateful for the quiet moments. The afternoons I can spend snuggled on the sofa with my amazing husband while we watch movies and nap.

10. Having the strength to start again. In June we start back up with the doctors visits. The testing, charting, meds, etc. I'm happy about the strength I've built back up. The time I've taken to find me again.

CD1 (again...)

Tomorrow was going to be POAS Day. I allowed myself to dream of how fun it would be to get a positive test the day before J's 30th birthday. We grabbed a bite for dinner tonight and I had to stop by the drug store. While I was there I picked up a couple of tests because, other than extremely sore boobs (that I've had for TWO WEEKS now), I had no sign of AF.

I get in the car and J asks, what else did you get?

Oh, I just grabbed some tests. We're out.

Pregnancy tests?

Yup.

Hmm.

Yeah, I wasn't going to say anything.

Yeah. I kind of thought you should have been bleeding by now. (Yeah, we're classy.)


I kid you not, I was not in the car for more than two minutes before I started feeling the twinges of AF.

Me: Are you fricken kidding me!?

J: What?!

I think I'm starting.

Sure enough! I get home and the evil wench has arrived. She couldn't have shown up 5 minutes before? No. First, I had to spend $12 and ratchet my hopes up another little notch. Oh, and she had to be a week late so that next month I'm basically guaranteed to get my period in Europe. UGH. Bitch.

Familial Strife

Recently I posted this. A rant about the rift between my SIL & MIL and the affects it is having on our family.

I sent my SIL an email. I spent a good amount of time crafting it. Trying to be respectful while I shared my feelings and how this has impacted the family. Last night I put together the update to post here. It was filled with mostly good news! Our exchanges weren't fuzzy and loving. We aired all of our issues. Called each other on shortcomings and put it all out there. At the end of it all I gained a second perspective and she agreed to reach out and try to make amends.

I was thrilled to see that perhaps we will see some progress!

This morning I had an email waiting for me. She decided to forward me their conversation so that no one would be left in the dark anymore. So, I started reading. It was great! Don't get me wrong, it wasn't nice. But they were being honest, sharing their feelings. Progress! It felt great to feel like my emotional strife was for a purpose. My SIL ended an email by saying she wanted to put the past behind them and even invited my MIL to the party afterall. SUCCESS! I kept reading.

That all hell broke lose.

My MIL's response to that message was not very nice. It even included a link to a message board post my SIL had made and tried to say she found it when she googled my BIL's name?? Weird. She kept drudging up the past and ended her message with a sign off that basically said, 'Thanks for reaching out. Sorry it didn't work. Maybe next time.'

WHAT?!

But, but, but, all of that wonderful progress. The grown-up steps! The olive branches!

Shot to hell, because it sent my SIL into a fury. She went on about being proven right that my MIL has no boundaries (in reference to the baby board rant) and that she wanted nothing to do with her ever again. That she was being cut off. That she had a delusional version of reality and even ask if she'd hit her head. Ending with a - don't bother to reply, your emails are headed straight to the trash. Oy vey. It was ugly.

I don't know why my MIL did that. Unfortunately it looks like my SIL jumped at the first (I guess it isn't the first) opportunity to completely write her off. They both started off so well and they both ended even more epically.

J and I have talked quite a bit today. Really there just isn't anything more we can do. We tried. We put forth our best efforts. I am happy that perhaps the relationship between us may be on the mend, but I'm devastated that theirs is even worse now. I am really proud of how well J is communicating. That is not a family strong point. He is even planning on thanking my SIL for trying and calling his mom to make sure she's okay. He's a good man. I'm just sad that he has to deal with this familial strife.

Avoidance.

I realized something today. Each month, at the end of my 2WW, I avoid my blog. I don't post as much, I barely visit check in, nada - zilch. I'm not certain exactly why that is.

Part of me thinks that I don't want to beat a dead horse (graphic -sorry). Here we are AGAIN, talking about trying not to get my hopes up AGAIN, while I have feelings of doubt AGAIN. I mean really... 30 months later.... BLAH

Another part of me thinks that if I don't talk about it, maybe I won't jinx it. Like I do every other month.

Both are silly. Ridiculous even. Preposterous.

Never the less, here we are! Late and avoiding my blog. Again.

Why exactly do you all come back here? ;)

Travel Tips

Guess who's trip is only 31 days away?? If you guessed me, you're right! (and you're very good at reading the ticker I've so conveniently placed on my blog)

As the trip gets closer folks are offering up a lot of travel advice. Some of it is obvious stuff (pack light!) and other stuff will be really helpful. Today I am going to share some of these tips with you all.

1) Pack Light! - I know I said this one was obvious, and it really is. We hear it all the time. But as a woman, HOW do I pack light? No one ever taught me. My mom has just as much trouble as me picking which shoes to bring. Because, well, you just never know! Here are some hints that I have been given. Pick a color scheme. Earth tones, like brown or tan, or a cool palate like a black/gray base? Personally I'm going for the cool colors. Simply because I have more of those that I want to bring. Majority/flexibility rules!

2) Pack Light! 2.0 - Bring closes that are multi-purpose. I can wear this cute new charcoal gray cardigan I got from DKNY with both my jeans, a white tank, and flats AND the one dress I'm bringing along. Oh and the flats. I can wear them with my jeans or my dress as well. Find items you might be able to get a couple of uses out of before they need washing (like the cardigan!)

3) Bring along a reusable shopping bag. Like one of these. My boss happened to get me one for Christmas and it will come in very handy! It's small when tucked into its little pouch, so it is easy to pack and will fit in my pocket or purse when we're out on the town. But, if we want to stop by the market, or pick up a souvenir, I don't have to worry about bags. Plus, and this is its most important feature, it is WAY cuter than a grocery or department store bag. Priorities, people!

4) Wipes/Kleenex pouches - I hear that TP in public restrooms isn't always easy to come by. I think this one explains itself.

5) Ziploc Baggies - An old employee of mine told me this one, and I like it! Very clever. She takes a bunch of Ziploc bags along (whatever size you want) to keep her treasures in. Business cards, coasters, post cards, etc can all be stored in these bags and then labeled with the name of the city you were in. I love collecting those kind of 'souvenirs' because #1, they're usually free or dirt cheap and #2, they're great for the scrapbook when you get home.

There you have it, my 5 travel tips for the day. What tips do you have for other worldly travelers out there? Something you have, or do, that I must know about? Please share!

Heartbreak

My mother-in-law isn't perfect. We've had adjustments throughout the years as we learned to communicate and define our roles as two women who love the same man. Her family isn't made of great communicators, so understandably there were extra challenges. But, we did get through it. Mostly because I knew her heart was in the right place. She never does anything maliciously. There have been times she invites herself along and we had to learn to be more clear when it we were not open for tag-alongs. She had difficulties adjusting when J and I wanted to start our own traditions. But, nothing unforgivable, right?

Apparently these things are way over the line for my sister-in-law.

A little back story... my sister-in-law has two sons from two different (previous) relationships. Those boys have been nothing but embraced by our family. They're included in Christmas, we call them our nephews, etc. My MIL was especially good at this. Thoughtful of their birthdays, taking them to the zoo, and so on. The only time I know she did anything "wrong" is that she saw on Facebook they were going to the park one summer day (in 2009) and she decided to stop by and say hello. Okay, she wasn't invited, but it was a public place and is it really that big of a deal? It isn't like she showed up at their Disney vacation and said 'I'll be sleeping on the pull out sofa!" My SIL said that she thought our MIL was stalking them and deleted her from her Facebook friends so that she couldn't spy on their whereabouts. ::rolls eyes::

My SIL and I do not agree on much. I never say anything, but I don't agree with the way she parents her children, how she managed her self-proclaimed "high-risk" pregnancy (w/ daily venti mocha frappuccinos and two meals of fast-food), the way she treats my BIL, the stupid passive-aggressive bull she puts on Facebook. She's insecure and frankly she has reason to be.

In the last 4-5 years she has slowly removed my BIL from his group of friends and sadly, his family. Now, I understand this is equally as much his fault, due to his lack of ability to grow a backbone, but that's a discussion for another day. I truly believe that through her emotional abuse (and that backbone I mentioned that my BIL is lacking) she has succeeded for the purposes of keeping him from others who may express their concern. Concern that we never see them anymore. That the number of times I have seen my two year old niece in the last year can easily be counted on one hand (I'd only need two fingers) and that is two more times than my MIL has seen her. Concern that perhaps she isn't a good person and that he could do better for him and my poor niece.

By the way, my MIL has not seen her one and only grandchild since the Fourth of July.

--okay, enough back story and on to the reason for my heartbreak today --

Today is my niece's 2nd birthday. This past weekend we got an invite in the mail to her party at the end of the month. (the celebration they are having tonight is just for family). We have not yet RSVP'ed because we were waiting to hear from J's mom. Well this morning I got an email that said she has not heard anything about E's birthday and sadly she isn't expecting to. How fricken sad is that?

We're not going. I will put a present in the mail and send her a card, but I am not going if my MIL is not invited. J called his brother this morning and his reasoning?? "Her and mom don't get along." WHO THE EFF CARES!? J asked him why she couldn't put her petty crap aside for one day so that their mom could see her one (and potentially only) grandchild on her birthday? Afterall, she was already left out of both of her first Christmases (those were just for family as well). How could he sit there and let that happen? Could he not understand why that would be devastating to their mother?

The saddest part is that J's little brother didn't even seem to care.

I feel awful. I know there isn't much I can do. We've spoken our dislike and it is up to them to make amends. It kills me that I cannot make this right. I cannot give her another child to love (not that it would remove the pain of missing the one she already has) and I cannot make her son, or his equally selfish wife, see reason.

They are supposed to be FAMILY. My family isn't always peaches and sunshine, but dammit if we hurt one anothers feelings, we talk about it (sometimes in raised voices), apologize (sometimes too late), and get the hell over it because we love each other and that is just what you do with your family.

I'm not sure what to do from here. I'm kind of sick to my stomach actually. I just want to drive over there, snatch my niece away from her awful parents, and hug her. After I shield her eyes while I smack her mom.

How can people be so mean spirited and selfish?

Sicker than a dog.

Ugh.

J was sick a couple weeks back, our friends have had it, something is going around work, and this whole time I've managed to avoid The Sickness. Eating pretty well, drinking tons of water, washing my hands all the time, etc. I've been good!

Yesterday morning I did something I haven't done... ever? I slept through my damn alarm. Thankfully little miss Lacey is on a schedule and she needed to go potty, so I only missed about 20minutes of my morning routine. I figured I just felt crappy because I jolted out of bed and instantly started running around. With J's help, I got out the door on time.

I was wrong.

I got to work and got worse as the morning progressed. Tightening in my throat, sore all over, chills, etc. I finally cried uncle and left halfway through the day. I got home and barely left the sofa until J got home. I could barely sit up without my head aching. No bueno.

Until my dog decided to throw up in the middle of the living room.
Scrubbing dog vomit out of the carpet when you've got a splitting headache and a fever is not my idea of a good time.

This morning I was feeling a little better. Less feverish, but still completely wiped. My body hurts. I have slept a ton. My mom texted to check on me and I told her that I thought I was on the mend. HA! I should have knocked on wood. I've started feeling hot and the aches are getting worse. Neither are as bad as the constriction in my throat. It isn't so much scratchy, but it feels swollen and closed up. Very uncomfortable to say the least.

I'm at the point that I can't really sleep much anymore. Can I just say that daytime TV sucks?? I'm hoping to be a bit better tomorrow and not suffer through the 5+ days that J and our friends did. Fingers are crossed! Until then, I'm off to try and take another nap.

I did do one productive thing today - made our appointment with Seattle Reproductive Medicine. J and I chatted and decided that after our trip, we're ready to head back to the doc. I feel good about the "break" we've had, but it's time to get back to work. June 10th!

Rage

I'm not proud of my emotional response, but this place has been all about honesty, so I'm letting it all hang out there...

Another Facebook pregnancy announcement was made today. Instead of my usual sad sigh, I was livid. Why her? I've know K for about 10 years. She's annoying, flaky, immature, and irresponsible. She is also obese and has chronic health problems. (She once had the hots for my husband...) Her and her husband have not even been married a year and she is due this fall. That means they can't have been trying long at all.

Why her? Mostly, why her and not me??

My face got red.
My heart started to race.
My jaw was clenched.
I was angry. Pissed.

I wanted to put my fist through something.

This isn't the first announcement I've seen on Facebook. Why did hers solicit such a harsh emotional response?

Why did that child choose her and not us? Maybe because she doesn't sit around saying awful things about other people?? (do you love how I can have this conversation all by myself?)

What did I do wrong? My weight isn't that bad, not as bad as hers. I have a great, strong, time-tested relationship. We're financially stable and responsible with our money. Fun. We give back. Loyal to our family and friends. WHY?

Just a few of the many questions I have. Many questions I will never have answers to.

I would like to formally ban pregnancy announcements on Facebook. At least until I get to make one of my own.

I know that none of these thoughts are particularly nice of me. In fact, they're pretty ugly. I also understand that sharing these thoughts could make me come off like a judgy bitch. Selfish. Hateful. Unfair. I would apologize, but I'm not perfect. I just hope I can learn from these moments and be better next time.

A mind/body conflict?

Yesterday a coworker brought in her two week old baby girl for a visit. We all got to snuggle with her chubby cheeks and dark curly hair. She was absolutely beautiful.

My department is made up of all women. So the crowd around this child was made up of about 12 of us. Two of my coworkers are about my age and were talking opening about how this sweet little girl was giving them baby fever. I didn't participate. Don't get me wrong, I talked to her sweet face, brushed her soft skin with my fingers, patted her diapered butt... but I didn't talk to the larger group of women about how my stomach ached.

I never have.

I've never been a young newlywed at a baby shower that talked about her baby fever. I felt it, sure, but I never verbalized that feeling. Does that mean I always knew? Is it possible that while I wasn't conscious of it, deep down somewhere I knew that all of this would happen? Why could I never talk about the baby I wanted us to have? The answer to why, yesterday, I couldn't say out loud to a group of women I enjoy that this baby makes me want one of my own? That is a little easier to understand than why I couldn't say it three years ago.

Did my mind already know my body wasn't going to behave?

Why did I deny myself that naive statement before I had a reason to believe there was a reason to? Because it was never about not feeling it, or not wanting to say it. It feels more about not drawing attention to my desire to have a baby. But, why?

The only thing I know for sure is that it is more of thoughts like these that I will probably never have the answer to. Maybe my mind did know before it decided to clue me in. Perhaps that knowledge was in the 90% of our brain that we don't use? Who knows, but something I think we all know is that the universe can be a little weird like that.

Featuring: Me!

When Nancy, from The Fertility Blogs reached out and told me I was selected to be their featured blog of the week, I was honored! I have found a lot of great blogs and expanded my communittee through their blog. To be included as one of their features is flattering.
________

Our featured blog this week is Him Plus Me = Three, a great personal blog by Mrs S. She shares with us her life on her journey to Motherhood. We love the honesty she shares about herself.

We asked her several questions for this post:

What has going through infertility taught you about yourself?
Our struggle with infertility has taught me a number of things. First and foremost is that I need to practice my patience. Everything about this process is a wait. [continue...]

Thank you to Nancy for reaching out and giving me the opportunity. And, thank you to everyone who stops by here on a regular basis. Your support means a lot to me.

A List

AKA - A Thought Dump or I'm Not Offended if You Skip This Mess

1. Yesterday I was in a funk. Probably as a result of some of the other items to come.

2. I'm thinking about going back to school. For What? Do I really have the time? Am I crazy? Why do I always have to bite off more than I can chew? Business? Photography?

3. I cannot get off the fence with this baby making business. Do I go back to the doc and start the process all over? Do I keep on going au naturale? Will the weight I lost help? Should I give acupuncture-only more time?

4. J's car isn't totalled after all. $8700 in damage and they're fixing it. Not only do I bust J's car into a billion pieces, but the lady with out insurance company gets him excited about car shopping and then takes that away from him too. I'm back to feeling like a jerk for the whole mess.

5. J's 30th birthday is around the corner and his friend and I have coordinated on what we're calling Mission: J's Badass Birthday Surprise. It's great. And on the off chance that sneaky squirrel pops in here - no details! He did ask me last Thanksgiving, "Why do we only eat this meal once a year?!" So, we're having Thanksgiving again for his birthday dinner! He's thrilled and that makes me happy.

6. It snowed today. I live near Seattle. That is not normal. Or welcome.

7. I want to run away to a tropical island and never return (See #6)

8. My life-long friend had her baby yesterday. I spoke earlier this year about her shower. Another moment where the tears were both for her happiness and the health of her sweet boy, as well as our pain.

9. I get my stitch out today. (See: Moley Post)

10. I cheated and went to the gym twice so far this week. I've been feeling fine and only did the elliptical. I did manage to maintain that whole time!

11. I survived my first week with the new job. I'm loving it so far! I felt so stuck in my old role and now I feel like there is all of this opportunity for growth, learning, and advancement. It is very exciting! (And a little daunting too for us folks who like to bite of more than we can chew. Practicing my patience!)

12. Being the newbie is hard. I am used to my job being second nature and I'm back to feeling a bit incompetent. I know it will pass, but those awkward moments are tough.

13. Old news now, but my sister scared the bejebus out of my mom for April Fools. My mom leaves the house for work before the sun comes up. She hates going to her car in the dark (it's only in the driveway, she's a wimp - like me). Well, she hit the button to unlock the car and, as always, the lights come on. When they did, it lit up a giant Jason picture my sister had placed in her window. She said that she about shit and has since been plotting her revenge. I died laughing at her message.

14. Today marks 40 days until our trip. It is next month.

15. I would like a nap.

The End.

So I continue to dig.

For me, losing weight has been like an archaeological dig. The more of my excess weight I shovel away, the more of myself I uncover.

Looking back at old pictures of myself is really hard. It hurts and sometimes it's really embarrassing. Instantly I think of being insecure and my outside being a reflection of the inside. What must people have thought of me? That I was letting myself slip? That I disrespected myself enough to harm my body and health?

I'm ashamed I let it get that far.

I knew that I was overweight, but that 'obese' label never really hit home until now. When they say hindsight is 20/20, they aren't kidding.

I am enjoying finding the new true me, so I will continue to dig.

**I'm sorry that I've been pretty MIA the last week. Life and the new job are keeping me going at 1,000 mph! I'm checking in as often as I'm able. Updates on the accident and life are coming soon. Life happens, right?**

In the Mail!

For those of you that emailed me your addresses, I have put your bracelets in the mail. They mailed out on Wednesday, so you should start to see them any day now!

I apologize in advance, they're nothing fancy. (Just establishing some expectations here! Lol) But, they are meant to be simple. I hope that you enjoy your bracelet. I also hope that if the opportunity presents itself that you will pay it forward. And should you have the opportunity to come across another bracelet wearing woman, that you at least share a knowing glance to let her know you understand.

Thank you to all who participated. I am still overjoyed with the number of responses I received. I appreciate each and every one of you. Who knows, maybe I will do it again in a few months. If you decide to do the same on your own blog, please let me know. I would love to drop by your blog and show you some extra love.

Happy Friday!