Chubby Check In

Well, I haven't made the greatest progress. I am down about 2.5lbs since I started keeping track again. I suppose that isn't too bad considering I haven't been to the gym at all this week.

Current weight 197.5

My holiday weight is almost gone, only 2.5lbs to go. 27.5lbs until I reach my goal of 170. My goal isn't so much the weight, that is only important here because it is my most reliable measurement. I want to be healthy, and fit, and feel good in my clothes again.

I am not built to be the 140lbs that is says I should be on some chart graphing someones ideal weight based only on their gender and height. I have hips, and broad shoulders, and muscles. 10 years ago I was about 165lbs and that was perfect. I was strong and healthy, and didn't hate the way I looked in a bathing suit. But, of course I didn't think it was so 'perfect' at the time. My grams would always tell me that I was looking too thin. Back then I always scoffed at her, saying that being 30lbs 'overweight' was not too thin! I need to work on my self-image for sure.

We've been eating a LOT better these last two weeks. We are eating more salad and vegetables. Oh there is still red meat and potatoes, but serving sizes are much more important. It's great to have J doing this with me. He's not trying to lose weight, but he is talking a lot more about making smarter choices.

So, instead of talking about how I didn't make the progress I would have liked I am going to be grateful for the 2.5lbs I have lost and get to work on the rest!

Doctor Visit

Went to the doctor today for our check-in. It's crazy to think that it's been three months already, but at the same time it drug by. J has been scheduled to do his sperm analysis. The doctor thinks it's good that I seem to be responding to Clomid, even intermittently. His hope is that increasing the dose will do the trick. Me too! Because we increased the dosage, he's going to have me back in a month if I get my period and make sure that I'm doing okay with the increase. If I get KU then he'll see us in about 6 weeks. Let's hope for the latter, shall we?

We talked a little about the overall game plan. We chatted about monitored cycles, HSG, IUI's, hormone therapy, and IVF. Pretty much our plan is in that order. Depending on our luck this month he may bring me in next month. If we're still not lucky, then I'm looking at a HSG. Then probably round the 2year mark, we'll talk more seriously about insemination. That could be moved up depending on the results of J's SA. If that doesn't turn out well, we may bump that up earlier in the game plan.

So, that's where we stand. When my ladybits stop looking like what can only be compared to a WWII reenactment, we'll get this road on the show. Here's to the start of a new month.

Preparing to Talk to The Mama.

As I've mentioned before, our TTC journey is not something that we've widely shared. A few of our close friends, and J's brother, know that we're trying. In varying levels of detail. J and I talked and decided that if our first three month round of Clomid was not successful that I would talk to my mom. I've transitioned from feeling like we're hiding a big surprise to feeling as though I'm keeping a large part of my life from her.

Growing up my mom and I had a challenging relationship. We're both stubborn, I was a moody teen, and growing up with 4 women (my sis, me, mama, and grams) in a 1000sq ft house with 1 bathroom... tension is probably putting it mildly. I left home two months after I turned 18 and never looked back. That's when everything changed. What was a challenging and stressful relationship developed into a warm and rewarding bond. My mom was so supportive of my venturing out (who wouldn't want to get rid of a smart ass, stubborn, 18 year old brat??). We became close. We actually talked through things. When I left school she didn't chastise me, but listened and understood that I had other aspirations. She's celebrated my every success professionally and listened/supported me through all of my struggles. She has been my biggest fan, and I hers. I probably have the worlds greatest Mama. (If you're reading this and saying, 'No way, my mom is the greatest.' I'm sorry, you're definitely entitled to your opinion, but you're dead wrong.)

I didn't tell my mom we started trying to have a child for two reasons. 1. I wanted to surprise her. She really wants to be a grandmother. She's never been pushy and always says 'when you two are ready', but we love to dream. I dream of the various ways we would break the news to her, of how she would react, of our shopping trips (mama and I can SHOP folks)... She's going to be an amazing grandmother someday. 2. If this process didn't go swimmingly (how's that for foresight?) I did not want her to worry. See, the thing about my mama is that she is selfless. She puts everyone else before herself, almost to a fault. She works too hard, cares for my grandma and my baby sis (okay, she's 20, not really a baby, but still at home). She drops everything when one of us needs anything. To think she's stressing about how I'm doing just isn't fair. The latter is the main reason I'm scared to talk to her. If I tell her what we're going through and it is still years before we work this out... I'm worried I will break her heart.

Either way, it is time. It is time for me to ask her questions, find out about her experiences, tell her mine. There is 6 years between me and my sister, what if my mom had this trouble and I never knew? I can't ask these questions without her knowing more. I'm still not positive when or how, but I'm probably just going to wing it.

I'd love to hear if you've had a similar experience. I will definitely come back and share mine as well. Wish me luck.

Next steps? Time to call the doc. I plan to do that tomorrow. J will be getting a SA (sperm analysis) this time as well. More to come there...

Vent.

AF showed today, so we officially have closure on Cycle16. Time to call the doctor. Time to talk to my Mama (I'm scared folks).

I'm still bloated and gassy. Although there have been some improvements in this arena, my pants are snug.

I am uber congested. It started with allergies this weekend (I'm not a big fan of cats) and has just lingered. Well today even my ears feel plugged.

I just need to make it through the next 4 hours of meetings and I can get home and crawl into bed. That's all I'd like right now.

/Vent.

Constipation.

It's not often we have a good conversation around bowel movements, so let's just saddle up and give it a go (or not, in my case).

I haven't gone since Friday. That's only two days, so it doesn't sound awful, especially to those of you who have been pregnant and basically gone 9months without being regular. I've gone this long before and it wasn't that big of a deal. Unfortunately now my stomach HURTS. A girlfriend of mine made a wonderful chili for dinner last night. Delish, but not something I want 'on board' for an extended period of time. Oh, and how have I made it this far and failed to mention the gas? Sweet baby Jesus in a manger it is awful! I think my body might be rotting from the inside. Tonight I drank a bunch of fiber and hopefully it'll help. If not, well then tomorrow I'm busting out the big guns - coffee.

See coffee and I were divorced a couple of years ago. We had a passionate love affair and one day coffee turned on me. My tummy now gurgles at the mere thought and should I give in, let's just say I'd better not be far from the facilities.

Anything else good out there to try? Short of asking J to go all Bobby Brown on my ass? (if you don't know what I'm talking about, I'm too much of a lady to repeat it. Hey, don't laugh! Okay, who am I kidding? Let's just say she once suffered from a similar scenario and BB helped her out by doing some manual 'coaxing' with his finger. ::GAG::) Wow, this post took an unfortunate turn. Anywho! Your remedies would be appreciated.

I'm glad we had this talk.

Side note: Still no AF, temp shot up today but I took my temp late and enjoyed a couple glasses of wine last night, I'm starting to get pms symptoms (sore boobs, cramping -although that might be my giant bloated poo filled belly).

Should have saved the dollar.

Results: Negative and a big temp drop. It's just a matter of time now. With this luck AF will probably show smack dab in the middle of the baby shower I have to go to today.

Bye bye Cycle #___.... is it bad that I don't even know off the top of my head anymore?

*Edit* I went back and looked it up. 16.

Tears

I'm losing my hope. I haven't even reached Saturday morning, the morning I test, and I've just got this disappointed feeling already. Early today I felt like 'okay, this is it' I was even nervous. I allowed myself to day dream about what it would actually feel like. Actually feel like to be pregnant. Would I magically feel different? Dreaming about morning sickness (yes, I know, I've officially lost my shit.) But, ruining all of my day dreams is this thought that it isn't going to happen.

I ran in to my friend R in the parking lot of the dollar store. Oddly enough she had just called me as we ran into each other. We do that sort of thing a lot. Anyway, I was there buying tests. She tried to get me to buy them and pee in the Target bathroom. I didn't give in because I really wanted to wait until tomorrow mornings FMU. More than that though, I wasn't sure I could keep my shit together in a public restroom when I was inevitably disappointed. Again.

She texts me hours later to give me her hopes and mojo and I just feel worse. She was so sweet and said beautiful things to me about knowing I will be a good mother and I cried. Again. Just like I am now... This process just SUCKSFUCKINGLLAMABALLS. If I have failed to mention that before.

Where in the hell did this person come from? I don't know her. I am always the person who works everything up in her head, not down. I am not a Debbie Downer. I dream, I make plans, I work myself too hard to do nice things for other people, I cheer up down friends. Not that you could tell around here... Sorry, there I go again.

I hope tomorrow goes the way we've hoped/prayed. More than anything I've ever wanted/dreamed of/hoped for, etc. But if it doesn't... I might need some serious help. I will go forward. I will make doctors appointments and put one foot in front of the other because someday this is going to work out. Someday I am not going to be writing posts about being an emotional basket case. They will be filled with cute baby pictures and my going on and on about how J and I created the worlds most gorgeous child.

Well, I'm not sure where I started, or how I rambled for so long. But, that's where I'm at right now. Take it, or as I would recommend, leave it.

My Rollercoaster Hopes

Yesterday when I took my temp, I thought the end was eminent. It didn't drop a lot, but it did drop. Until this morning. It is now back up to it's highest point yet. I'm also on CD30. So... technically I am late. But I'm not certain as to when I O'd. Do I test? Do I not test? Do you see my rollercoaster issue?

I think I may wait until Saturday morning. Give myself another couple of temps to see if things stay up. Not a single PMS symptom in sight, so we'll see!

If you have a spare prayer or positive thought, I'd sure appreciate it.

Proud Dog Mom

Ain't he just the cutest damn thing you've ever seen!? He just loves laying in front of the fire.

Dream

This weekend was SO much fun. We spent the entire weekend at a cabin in the woods with some great friends of ours. I'm talking log furniture, stone fireplace, snowy mountains kind of trip. It was awesome. J and I got the master suite upstairs. It had a giant log bed... and a crib in the corner. Oh yes, our friends found this hilarious "It's a sign you two should have babies!" they kept saying. Ha. Ha.

Sunday night I had a dream, probably induced by the couple of blueberry vodka 7's I had and the crib I mentioned. I had just found out I was pregnant. However, somehow I knew it was a girl. (This is the third dream I've had where our child is a girl by the way...) Jeremy's face when I told him was part of the dream I will never forget. It was a grin I have never seen him make. I was chatting with an old girlfriend of mine who was taking me to look at little girl dresses. Our conversation was around how I was going to tell The Mama. Oh how I dream (literally now) of that conversation.

The other parts of the dream have faded, but that warm happy feeling is thankfully sticking around. Let's just hope that dreams do come true, shall we?

Charting Fail

My chart looks like a flaming bag of dog crap. I missed days when I was traveling, lots of sleep deprivation this month, and my meds got slightly screwed up at the beginning. It's awful. I O'd late, if at all. Because I have no idea when I actually ovulated, I have no idea where I am in the 2week wait. We'll just have to wait and see I guess!

Any theories on the god awful chart?

Holy Frick.

So, let me set the scene.

I pass my exam today. I don't have to work tomorrow (yes, that means I have a 4day weekend!!). There wasn't any traffic. We leave tomorrow to go to the cabin for a weekend in the snow.

Now as you can imagine, I'm in a pretty spec-fricken-tacular mood. All I had on my mind was getting home and bedding my husband. (What?! We're grown and married.)

Instead I get home, open the mail, and what do I see?

A $434 electric bill. SWEET MARY MOTHER OF JESUS!
(to give some perspective, our last bill was $180)

This summer we are replacing the garage door, door seals, weather stripping, etc.

Lord, please let our documents come soon so that I can get a tax return. Mama(wannabe) is broke.

And the award goes to...

ME! One of my favorite peeps, Alyssa, nominated me for this award. As is tradition with recipients of this award, I will fill you in on 10 thingsthat you may (or may not!) want to know about me.

Ready? Let's do this.

1. I've struggled with weight my whole life. I was never really a chubby kid, but I wasn't a skinny one either. I remember seeing my mom's weight fluctuate and she was always on a diet (even if she didn't need it!). I have a lot of theories why I struggled the way I did and why it took until I got engaged to realize I needed to change my life, but mostly I think it had to do with my dad. My dad is heavy, but would always make comments about weight or food when I was growing up. I would be facing softball or volleyball tryouts and he'd come up with something sweet like, 'You know, if you ran 5miles a day like I did at your age, this wouldn't be as hard.' A gem, right? This is something big that I want to make sure I do differently with my children. It will be about making healthy choices, not 'dieting'. About exercising because it is good for you, etc.

2. I love photography. I wasn't able to take a class in school because my parents couldn't afford to buy me a camera. Now that I've got a new dslr all my own, I am really looking forward to learning the ropes. I enjoyed taking pictures with just my old point-and-shoot and pretty frequently got compliments on what I was able to accomplish. I think if I put time into it, I could come up with something good.

3. In fact, I've recently thought about going back to school and photography is a major I'm mulling over. That, or business. Pretty broad spectrum there, huh? I am working on getting in to the HR area of our company and getting my business degree and then my HR certification would obviously be a big help. However, it isn't what I'm really passionate about. I need more passion in my life.

4. Another love of my life is real estate, architecture, construction, etc. I know that is a lot of things, but I love looking at houses. I love floorplans, design, structure. I have an art book that originally had sketches I did in school, but ever since I have collected stuff for the house I intend to build. I've had this plan since I was about 10. My mom and I would drive around and look at houses (that we could 'never' afford) and shop for them. Go to open houses, etc. Sorry, I digress. But this book, it is filled with floor plans (some I've found, and some I've drawn), pictures of kitchens, art, libraries, furniture, etc. All things I plan to include in the-house-that-I'll-build someday.

5. Budgeting. I have a budget. I like crunching numbers. I handle our finances and pay the bills, etc. I love the idea of saving money, but there is always something that seems to come up. We'll get really good about it (usually this time of year) and by year end there is this or that that we must have and we're practically back to square one. Each year it gets a bit better and the system I put in place last year will hopefully mean that we'll get a good thing going and stick with it... after we replace the dishwasher of course.

6. I have ADD when it comes to my big dreams in life. I need to find a way to have 2-3 kids, build this lovely home on acreage, travel the world, be close to my family, own 3 dogs, run a successful business, retire early, etc. One day I dream of living downtown and having an urban lifestyle and the next day I put my boots on and want to go play on our friends farm. Anyone know of a city where I could build a couple acre farm in the middle? (for some reason I'm not picturing the little house in the movie Up!) Or care to share the winning lotto numbers?

7. I love organization. My office is meticulous. I have colored folders, with labels, organized by task, with to-do lists and post its on my calendar, etc. You would never know it looking at my house. You'd probably think I grew up in the 20's or something with as much STUFF as we have. I blame J. He is a chronic collector (not as in he owns 950 beanie babies or anything, he just never gets rid of stuff). He also has a tendency to attach sentimental value to, well, everything. It's a sweet trait when it is a silly note I wrote him 8 years ago, but it drives me up the FRICKEN WALL when he will not get rid of boxes of model cars he never finished (and are broken...). Purging is on my list of things to do this spring. I think our lives will feel much less hectic without the additional chaos and stuff around our house. (Just thinking about the copious amounts of crap makes me hyperventilate...)

8. I cannot sleep with socks on. I also find it hilarious that so many other people have a sock issue.

9. I have a tendency to get my hopes up and be let down, a lot. Whenever the possibility of something good comes up, I get things all worked up in my mind and am generally let down. A job opportunity, having a baby, a Christmas gift I've been asking for, whatever. I trust people too easily and let them in more quickly than I probably should. My mind does crazy things when left to its own devices.

10. I am recently obsessed with The Pioneer Woman. I don't know what rock I was living under, but Isha turned me on to her with a tasty recipe she mentioned one day and I cannot stop visiting her site. She is such a great writer and basically is living my dream life. Big family (I'm not so sure about home schooling...), beautiful home, loves to cook and photography, etc. And she's hilarious. We've got a very similar sense of humor. Yup, I love her.

Wow, that was a lot of random ramblings. lol

And with that I nominate:

Jessica

Krista

Rotty

Anne

Measurements

Not a whole lot has changed since my pre-holiday measurements. In an attempt to fix that, I'm going to bare all for you, in hopes that it will hold me accountable for showing you my improvements.

Left Bicep - 12.75
Right Bicep - 13
Bust - 43
Waist - 36.5
Hips - 46.5
Left Thigh - 27
Right Thigh - 27.25

Ugh. I hate seeing those. Especially my hips and thighs. So, I'm going to keep putting them up here, because if I'm really not happy with them, then I need to do something about it, right? No real change in weight either. However, I've been constipated for the last couple days (it's okay, I know that you were dying to know these details), so perhaps I've gained a tiny bit of progress and I'm just full of shit? I did go to the gym today and made a TASTY salad for dinner. I've got leftovers for tomorrow and plans for yoga tomorrow evening.

I love me some Target.

On Friday I scored both a very cute LBD (little black dress) and a pencil skirt. I have never before been able to wear a pencil skirt, because as Sir Mix-a-lot says 'baby got back'. Well, it's only 8am and already I've gotten a handful of compliments on my outfit! And the look on J's face when I tried it on may have just put a little extra pep in my step.

Not to shabby considering I got a grand total of 3 hours of sleep (more on our adventures in dog sitting later).

I love weddings.

Last night two of our really good friends got married. It was small and intimate and everyone had a great time! My friend, we'll call her Mrs.K, trusted me enough to take care of her floral arrangements. I promise to post pictures later, but everyone LOVED them! I got so many compliments. I made the bridal bouquet, the MOH bouquet and 13 centerpiece arrangements. Thankfully she only wanted white roses and greenery of my choosing. I really think I would enjoy doing more of this on the side. Of course they are very close friends so I didn't charge anything, but it was great practice!

It may have been the little nudge I needed to finally get a site up and going. I've got to figure out what I'd be offering (Invitations, Planning, Day-of coordination, Floral...), my pricing, etc.

I just love weddings!

(ETA: Pictures as promised!)

Not the greatest photo, but those are the centerpieces!Bridal Bouquet

Time to shit or get off the pot.

It is time. Time for me to pick up where I left off before the holidays. Nope, this is not a New Years Resolution. This is just my whole year resolution. More specifically, time for me to prep to be a Milf. Yup, that is my goal in life. Ambitious, no?

(Re)Starting weight - 200
(it is actually about 198.9, but I'll round up)

My initial goal is still the 30lbs I was working on before Christmas showed up with all of its baked goods. I figure at a steady pace of approx 1lb/week I should be good to go by about... August. Ugh, that seems so far. But I guess I've already lived with it waaaay longer than that, so I'll survive.

Keep in mind that my #1 goal is still to get knocked up. Should that decide to happen before I'm a skinny hot Milf-in-training, then we'll just need to resume this dog and pony show after I give birth to the most beautiful child to ever grace the face of this here planet.

Sound like a plan folks? Well then let's get to work.

Whoever invented New Years Resolutions needs to kiss my chubby butt.

The gym was a freakin' disaster today! I barely found parking and the machines were filled with perfectly groomed 110lb porn stars. PLEASE spend a little less time fixing your eye liner in the locker room and straightening your expertly coiffed faux-hawk, while you stand on a treadmill in your skin tight wifebeater and black black sports bra. All while you chat and flip through your US Magazine with your equally anorexic partner in crime. Some of us actually have some work to do, thankyousoverymuch.

So, my resolution is to keep going to the gym even though those people drive me batshit. Hopefully their 'dedication' will only last a couple of weeks.