Friday, January 22, 2010

Tears

I'm losing my hope. I haven't even reached Saturday morning, the morning I test, and I've just got this disappointed feeling already. Early today I felt like 'okay, this is it' I was even nervous. I allowed myself to day dream about what it would actually feel like. Actually feel like to be pregnant. Would I magically feel different? Dreaming about morning sickness (yes, I know, I've officially lost my shit.) But, ruining all of my day dreams is this thought that it isn't going to happen.

I ran in to my friend R in the parking lot of the dollar store. Oddly enough she had just called me as we ran into each other. We do that sort of thing a lot. Anyway, I was there buying tests. She tried to get me to buy them and pee in the Target bathroom. I didn't give in because I really wanted to wait until tomorrow mornings FMU. More than that though, I wasn't sure I could keep my shit together in a public restroom when I was inevitably disappointed. Again.

She texts me hours later to give me her hopes and mojo and I just feel worse. She was so sweet and said beautiful things to me about knowing I will be a good mother and I cried. Again. Just like I am now... This process just SUCKSFUCKINGLLAMABALLS. If I have failed to mention that before.

Where in the hell did this person come from? I don't know her. I am always the person who works everything up in her head, not down. I am not a Debbie Downer. I dream, I make plans, I work myself too hard to do nice things for other people, I cheer up down friends. Not that you could tell around here... Sorry, there I go again.

I hope tomorrow goes the way we've hoped/prayed. More than anything I've ever wanted/dreamed of/hoped for, etc. But if it doesn't... I might need some serious help. I will go forward. I will make doctors appointments and put one foot in front of the other because someday this is going to work out. Someday I am not going to be writing posts about being an emotional basket case. They will be filled with cute baby pictures and my going on and on about how J and I created the worlds most gorgeous child.

Well, I'm not sure where I started, or how I rambled for so long. But, that's where I'm at right now. Take it, or as I would recommend, leave it.

3 comments:

  1. You have all my thoughts and love. <3

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  2. I'm sorry I made you feel worse. I FUCKINGSUCKLLAMABALLS too.

    You'd better be laughing at me now!

    ReplyDelete