Preparing to Talk to The Mama.

As I've mentioned before, our TTC journey is not something that we've widely shared. A few of our close friends, and J's brother, know that we're trying. In varying levels of detail. J and I talked and decided that if our first three month round of Clomid was not successful that I would talk to my mom. I've transitioned from feeling like we're hiding a big surprise to feeling as though I'm keeping a large part of my life from her.

Growing up my mom and I had a challenging relationship. We're both stubborn, I was a moody teen, and growing up with 4 women (my sis, me, mama, and grams) in a 1000sq ft house with 1 bathroom... tension is probably putting it mildly. I left home two months after I turned 18 and never looked back. That's when everything changed. What was a challenging and stressful relationship developed into a warm and rewarding bond. My mom was so supportive of my venturing out (who wouldn't want to get rid of a smart ass, stubborn, 18 year old brat??). We became close. We actually talked through things. When I left school she didn't chastise me, but listened and understood that I had other aspirations. She's celebrated my every success professionally and listened/supported me through all of my struggles. She has been my biggest fan, and I hers. I probably have the worlds greatest Mama. (If you're reading this and saying, 'No way, my mom is the greatest.' I'm sorry, you're definitely entitled to your opinion, but you're dead wrong.)

I didn't tell my mom we started trying to have a child for two reasons. 1. I wanted to surprise her. She really wants to be a grandmother. She's never been pushy and always says 'when you two are ready', but we love to dream. I dream of the various ways we would break the news to her, of how she would react, of our shopping trips (mama and I can SHOP folks)... She's going to be an amazing grandmother someday. 2. If this process didn't go swimmingly (how's that for foresight?) I did not want her to worry. See, the thing about my mama is that she is selfless. She puts everyone else before herself, almost to a fault. She works too hard, cares for my grandma and my baby sis (okay, she's 20, not really a baby, but still at home). She drops everything when one of us needs anything. To think she's stressing about how I'm doing just isn't fair. The latter is the main reason I'm scared to talk to her. If I tell her what we're going through and it is still years before we work this out... I'm worried I will break her heart.

Either way, it is time. It is time for me to ask her questions, find out about her experiences, tell her mine. There is 6 years between me and my sister, what if my mom had this trouble and I never knew? I can't ask these questions without her knowing more. I'm still not positive when or how, but I'm probably just going to wing it.

I'd love to hear if you've had a similar experience. I will definitely come back and share mine as well. Wish me luck.

Next steps? Time to call the doc. I plan to do that tomorrow. J will be getting a SA (sperm analysis) this time as well. More to come there...