Someone thinks I'm lovely!

If Buckin thinks I'm lovely, I don't need anything else!

I am a proud recipient of the 'One Lovely Blog Award'. The fact that this is from a reader and dear friend makes it a special one. Thanks, Buck!

To accept this award: Post it on your blog together with the name of the Person who granted and his or her link. Pass the Award to 5 other blogs that you newly discovered & remember to contact them and let them know.

I'll admit I changed the rules. It's my award, I can decide! You were supposed to pick 15 blogs, but I really wanted to nominate 5 special ones! I love all of the blogs I read and follow. I know that my blog is very therapeutic for me, even if no one read it at all. It does make it a little extra sweet to know that there are others out there like me in this notsolittle blog community. These 5 are the blogs that have inspired and taught me. I look forward to reading their blogs and following their stories.

1. Sweetpea
2. Alyssa
3. Nlvaden
4. Rachel Even though you're a blog-slacker right now! lol
5. Stephanie

(Note: I'm not sure why I never posted this, it's a few weeks old! Sorry, B!)

Date with the Dildo Cam Recap

I had my appointment on Friday. It was my first experience with the dildo-cam and the whole visit went off without a hitch. He answered all of my questions, we talked about testing and meds, and it wasn't the bloody mess that I'd imagined in my head. Most importantly though, I do not have any abnormal cysts or reaction/swelling to the first month of meds. I'm cleared for the next two months of Clomid. If we're still not successful I will set an appointment in February.

I asked him about my two pink OPK lines that were not a positive. I said that it was appropriately timed, but I never got an actual positive test. He said that it is not entirely uncommon to miss the surge and to call next month if I have no inclination whatsoever that I'm ovulating (chart or OPK).

I am equal parts relieved and frustrated. Relieved that nothing is 'wrong', but still frustrated that there are no difinative answers. I know that there never will be, but it doesn't make it any easier. Back to hump-and-pray. Perhaps I should track down a mall Santa and make my Christmas wish?

An Extra Guest for Thanksgiving

Aunt Flo decided to fly in just in time for the holiday. YAY! (Can you see the sarcasm dripping from those over-enthusiastic capital letters??)

CD1. Again.

Today started with spotting, dark brown and annoying and I should have known. Except the strange absence of ALL other typical PMS symptoms. Perhaps my Clomid side affects are actually lack of symptoms? Hell, I am making shit up now... I have NO UNGODLY IDEA what is going on between my legs. I got nothin'.

Now I have my next appointment. The one the doc wanted me to schedule between CD1-5. It is this Friday (happy black friday to me.) at 1:30. The nurse is calling me back to tell me what to prep for, but I do know there will be an internal and potentially an ultrasound. An internal while I'm on my period. Can this get any more awful!? (Universe: that was NOT a challenge. You understand me!?) Oh yes, I still get to tell my husband that his Friday off will not be spent smiling at our black Friday discounted Dyson while he drifts into a turkey induced coma...

I'm going to drag my cranky ass to the gym. If I'm not ever going to get knocked up, than I might as well be hotter than hell along with being barren.

**edit: nurse just called (she's prompt!) and the only 'internal' exam with be the vaginal ultrasound probe. Still doesn't sound fun to me.**

Spotting

I've been spotting for about a full day now. It's light enough that it isn't leaving anything on a panty liner, but it is there when I wipe. It is only CD25, so I'm crossing my fingers that perhaps this is implantation spotting? I doubt it, but it is the only ray of hope I have left. What is encouraging/enabling my neurosis is the fact that my temp has gone up a little bit each day for the last few days.

Why oh why do I insist on torturing myself!?

All I am asking Santa for this Christmas is a Ute that works properly and provides me with easy to read charts. That's not too much to ask, right? Until then you can find me pouting in the corner.

Friend Making Monday

Rotty is awesome and she celebrates Friend Making Monday. Essentially it is to get to know your fellow blog-peeps! So, here are my results to this weeks questionnaire:

1. Turkey or Ham? It is called 'Turkey Day' for a reason. Turkey of course!
2. Favorite side dish. Mashed Potatoes. ::droooool::
3. Favorite dessert. Pumpkin and/or Apple Pie.
4. Black Friday: Are you going or not? We usually do not, but I am this year!
5. If so, what's on the top of your list? I'm getting a Dyson for Christmas! WOOT!
6. Going out of town or staying close to home? Staying close.
7. Hosting or helping? Hosting!
8. Name one family tradition at Thanksgiving. Eat WAY too much, fall asleep early...
9. What do you do after dinner? Sleep, veg with family.
10. What are you most thankful for this year? My husband. This year has had its ups and downs, but he's the best part of me.

Your turn! Post a comment so that I can scope out your answers!

Two Day Work Week

WOOT!

It was decided Friday that we'll be hosting Thanksgiving, so I've got a TON to do this week. However, last night I tested a new very simple stuffing recipe and it turned out SO good. I am excited to ditch the boxed stuff, no matter what my IL's have to say about it!

To Do
1. Clean the ENTIRE house top to bottom (it's baaaaaaaad.)
2. Make pie crust tonight
3. Gym today and Wednesday

Those are my top priorities for now. I'm excited for Turkey Day!

The Return of the Chubby Check-In

Okay, so I have been a slacker and completely let the weight loss and weight loss tracking fall to the wayside. Well peeps, I'm baaaaaaack. Since I joined the gym I decided that I'd better start fresh. A new starting point, a new goal.

Starting weight (brace yourself, I hate 'saying it out loud') = 198
Goal = 175

This week J and I talked and we're going to get back on track with eating at home and not being lazy and actually cooking good meals. No more with the 'I don't feel like it, how about burritos' mentality. Since I left off last time I've gained about 3lbs. Not bad, but not the right direction either.

So, I will update soon with my measurements (I want them first thing in the AM so they're consistent) and then it's game time! First trip to the gym tomorrow and the trainer on Monday. Yes, I am terrified of meeting the trainer.

I picked 175 to be my first goal because it will mean that I will weigh less than J. By 5 lbs. I hope that by the end of winter I have met my goal. Scratch that. By the end of winter I WILL have met my goal. Much better.

I broke down...

...and joined the gym. Yup, I tried to do it on my own and well... I suck. I see a trainer on Monday and it is GAME ON.

Say your goodbyes to FattyMrs.S!

Be Jealous.

We've made our 2010 vacation plans. We've been considered all kinds of tropical locals - Cancun, Puerto Vallarta, a cruise, etc. Where did we land you ask? Whistler.

I know, I know, Whistler in April is worlds away from Cancun. Before you go and think I'm any crazier than I'm sure you already do, check this out:

WARNING: AWESOMENESS OVERLOAD

We are going to travel with two other couples for a full week and that, my dear friends, is where we will be staying. How fricken cool is that!? The place is gorgeous. Our own hot tub, barbeque, great views, and the best part - it is ski-in/ski-out.

The only downside to the whole trip is having to wait 5 months before we go. Giddy doesn't quite capture my current level of excitement.

Clomid Tentative Crosshairs

For once I agree with FF - it is possible that I ovulated on the 15th.

I have been testing with OPK's and am really bad at holding it for four hours and not drinking fluids. It is because of this that I believe my test line was not dark than the control. Saturday (11/14) I had a very very faint pink line. Sunday there was a distinct pink line, but it was not darker than the very dark control. However I'd been working around the house all morning and afternoon and drank tons of water, which of course is supposed to dilute you LH levels... I counted it as negative on my chart and made note of it.

The other factor is my CM. Since the start CM has always been hit/miss for me. NOT this month. This month I'm a lube factory. lol - TMI, I know.

All I know for sure is that so far we've 'canvased the area', so if I did O at all we put forth our best efforts. ;) The signs aren't certain, even with meds. I'm left here to wonder for another couple of weeks.

Almost there!

The downstairs of our place is almost finished! We've got to get some more framed posters up on the wall and we're done. Hopefully in the next couple of weeks I will have before and after pictures! For now I am going to kick back and relax on my new sectional while I watch some tv hooked up to our kickass surround sound. Job well done, I must say!

IF's Positive Impact

After the previous post I know that reading this title is going to make you think I've officially lost my godforsaken mind. Stick with me for just a minute, it'll make sense. (I think...)

While the IF process has been a difficult one, I came to an important realization this morning. This last year I have gotten quite a lot accomplished. And not just from what I've learned about TTC, IF, my body, etc. The little ray of hope (which started out a big ray last year, but now it's just a little guy) I have each month has been such a motivator for me to live my life. So often we get these 'someday I'll do _____' thoughts and never get around to it. What our months of unsuccessful TTC have gotten us is actually quite a lot. Especially these last few months. We're going out downtown on a whim with our friends, I'm having girls night out, spending a little money fixing up our downstairs, taking small trips, etc. It's not that once we have kids we won't be able to do these things, but they certainly won't be as easy, and I'm guessing there will be very little 'whim' for quite awhile.

Essentially the thought that 'this could be our last childless month' has driven us. We've been strong armed to living in the moment. Instead of putting things off, we're saying 'What the hell!' and going for it. For example, today is the start of opening weekend for Ski/Snowboard season at our favorite mountain. Not only are they opening, and opening early I might add, but they are calling this the best opening conditions in decades. Clearly I'm not knocked up yet, so guess who is going to go? ME! Had we been successful in conceiving at all in the last year, I can almost guarantee I would miss it. Now, let's be clear, I am not saying I would trade conception of our child for a (albeit KICK ASS) trip down a mountain on top of my trusty snowboard, but damnit it is not the worst conciliation prize.

At the beginning of our journey TTC was all I could think about and it pretty much consumed my life. This living life to the fullest thing didn't come quick or easy. However, I think I am finally to a place where I'm making the most of it. So for now I am going to hit the mountain, have a glass of wine at the lodge, and continue spending some Grade-A quality time with my friends and husband. And you know what? If these meds do their job and I actually ovulate for once, perhaps this trip to the mountains will be remembered for a bit more than it's fresh powder.

Infertility

I am having a hard time with this label. To be a bit more specific, I have a hard time putting myself under this label when I know so many other people that have been through so much more and have suffered much longer than myself. Do I deserve to say that we're struggling with infertility? Have I earned my stripes?

When I write about our IF journey here, or talk about our situation with the 2 friends that know about it, sometimes I honestly feel like I'm talking about someone else’s life. I don't think of J and I as 'struggling with infertility', but we are. It's been a year, we've not conceived, I've been diagnosed with PCOS... It's like the first year struggles are hazing for the exclusive IF Club.

Maybe it is my denial that intellectually understands these concepts and is emotionally conscious of when they apply to other people, but cannot apply them to myself? It's not that I'm feeling above others and their suffering, but sometimes I feel guilty talking about my own strife when others have suffered so much more than me and J.

Those women who've gone years or even decades without ever conceiving, who have been able to conceive but had the heartbreak of not carrying their baby to term... those women have truly seen the suffering and heartbreak that I think most folks immediately attribute to IF, and that sometimes makes me feel like I've got not a problem in the world. That we haven't suffered enough to call what we are going through infertility. That we haven’t ‘earned our stripes’. I suppose there is a good and a bad side to that. It makes me appreciate that my situation could be more severe (knock on wood) and to be thankful for the things that I do have. On the flip side, am I doing myself damage to not acknowledge my own unique situation? Perhaps I am suffering from avoidance right along with infertility?

Don't get me wrong. This year has been HARD. It has been emotionally draining. It has forced to look at my life and evaluate everything in my world. My hopes have been up and been dashed more times than I can count. I've dealt with every aspect of the emotional spectrum. Joy at the start of this journey with the man I love, jealousy of what other have, shame that I haven't been able to give my husband what he deserves or the grandchild my mother so desires, disappointment at yet another late period/negative test/early period/ negative opks, etc, and probably the biggest for me is frustration - there isn't a damn thing I can do about any of it.

Most of what has gotten me through is my amazing husband and the equally wonderful women I have come to know and love on the internet. They get it. It does bring me comfort to know I'm not the only one out there that feels like this really cannot be my life I'm talking about.

Making a Difference

Most days I hate my job. I don't mind managing a department so much as the line of work we're in. It just isn't for me. This is always especially true on Mondays. I spend Sunday night dreading the 4AM alarm. But today is a little different. Today I feel pretty damn good about what I do.

One of my employees has been put through the ringer the last few months. In August she started feeling stressed. Her daughter is a Senior in high school so she is worried about all the expense this year will bring (she's a single mom), the stress of applying to college, etc. She found out that she has a disease and this disease is causing her to lose some of her hair. She met up with her father for the first time in 10 years. Fighting with her mom... Just lots of drama in her life. She is typically such a strong woman that it was very strange to see her go through such a weak and vulnerable time.

For whatever reason one day she confided in me. I don't know if she just thought I should be aware so that her job/performance wouldn't be put in jeopardy, but she talked to me. I had no idea that she had been suffering, just that she was a more muted version of her typically animated self. After a few weeks of her trying to 'deal' with all of this on her own I sat her down and chatted with her again. We talked about the Employee Assistance Program we offer here at work. She'd have free access to a family counselor and somone to chat with. She did NOT like that idea at first. She thought of it as defeat. Boy am I happy that she changed her mind.

After speaking with a pro she decided to take a week off. She met with a therapist four days that week. She got meds and straightened things up at home. She's been back in the office for a couple of weeks now and there is such an improvement! I didn't think much of my involvement in this process until today. She caught me in the restroom (where all important woman-to-woman chats occur, of course) and told me that she'd reconnected with her mom. That she is feeling SO much better and although she's still sensitive, she is feeling on the mend. She thanked me for giving her the push she needed to seek help. And for being there for her when she didn't feel like anyone else was. That she was grateful to have me as her boss.

I cannot tell you what that means to me here. So often I feel like an after-thought, or bored, unnecessary, floundering. But today I got to feel like perhaps my job is a bit more than reporting, scheduling, performance reviews, quality audits, and product development projects. I got to make a difference to just one person. A person that I admire. For today at least, that makes all of the other crap worth it.

Fun Times!

I had a GREAT time tonight catching up with H. It was great to learn more about who she is now. I had her situation all wrong. Her and her husband were planning to conceive and they got very lucky and conceived right away. (Yes, universe, that still means you're not off the hook!!) She is only a few weeks and just had her first set of beta's taken. She is definitely in the 'cautiously optimistic' stage. I am really happy for her.

We, meaning I, had a couple of drinks and then spent and hour and a half in Target. We looked at books and rummaged through the clearance Halloween leftovers. OMG the things we tried on. I don't think I've laughed that hard in weeks! There may or may not be photographic evidence of our escapades. If you're good maybe I'll share. :)

We had pretty much a great non-stop conversation. I shared with her the cliff notes version of our TTC journey, which is a big deal for me, and she was a great listener. It just felt natural to tell her.

Yes, I'm still upset with the universe, but when am I not? I am excited to have a new friend back and I look forward to getting to know each other again. We did EVERYTHING together in high school, maybe this will be our month and we can do this together too.

I'm a bad friend.

I am meeting up with a former BFF for a Girls Night Out. H and I were inseperable in high school. As most high school friendships go, we drifted apart. We had our share of teenage drama and went our seperate ways for quite awhile.

Through the miracle of Facebook we've been catching up. She's married now and her husband has two kids, one of which has special needs. I really admire her for stepping into such a challenging situation and embracing it. I think this situation is especially admirable because she was always one that didn't want kids of her own. Even when we've been catching up the last few months shes said that maybe she'd consider having kids of her own someday, but now - NO WAY.

Well, guess who's knocked up?? H. I found out this morning and I'm irritated. Not with her necessarily, but the universe. She is happily married, owns a home, works from said home, so she is definitely prepared in terms of her life situation. But she didn't want children. Why is it that those that don't want something always have the easiest time getting it? Why does someone who wants something so badly get denied over and over? The world isn't fair. I've always known this, but for some reason (perhaps the reason being every woman I know of child bearing age was/is pregnant this year), I'm just having a hard time with this.

I'm not a completely evil being. Down deep I really am happy for them. I am always happy for my friends when these wonderful life changes happen. 90-95% of me gets excited and is filled with joy for my friends happiness. Why is it that then the other 5-10% is upset? When did I become cool enough to end up on the VIP list for every pity party in town? I've got to shake this. This is not about me. I've got 12 hours to get over myself and walk into that restaurant all smiles and congratulations. Especially since this is the first time in almost 6 years that I've seen her. I really don't want us to get off on the wrong foot.

Perhaps I will come tonight with a small gift in tow. Her birthday is tomorrow after all. That might help me fake-it-til-I-make-it, no?

Universe, I will deal with you later. Tonight is a girls night out and you're not invited.

Anxiety

When I was a freshman in college I suffered from anxiety. I was going to school full time and working full time and I attributed most of my struggles with anxiety to the stress of my life at the time. There were panic attacks and even the occasional hyperventilation. It wasn't a good time for me. Thankfully once I left school the panic attacks and severe anxiety subsided. Now only occasionally does my heart race, my mind not settle and I get thoughts that I just cannot handle it. Never again have I seen the days of shortness of breath and all out panic.

Yesterday evening I was definitely having a 'moment'. Not a breakdown or anything, but just this feeling of being overwhelmed. Work has been insane. A couple of decent sized projects, lots of administrative type work (schedules, reports, etc), and I swear every single one of my employees is a needy bitch right now. All kinds of petty drama. Basically I 'work' 4 hours a day and babysit the other 4.

I have survived these times before because when I get home it is the sweet relief of leaving it all behind me. Unfortunately our social calendar has been stuffed full (I'm really not complaining about that part) so we've not been able to get anything done around the house. My house is a MESS. I'm fairly certain it's been three weeks since we touched the vacuum. Last weeks clean laundry still hasn't been folded and put away. We've been working on fixing up our downstairs so there is extra crap EVERYWHERE (we got a new bookcase so the old one is just chillin' in the corner). And since we've spent a little more than we'd originally planned, money is tight until we get our rent check. I've barely spent any time online at all, let alone on my beloved BOTB. Basically I feel like my at home world is chaos too. Because we're so busy I'm not cooking the well balanced meals I was before, so I get an extra slap in the face when I step on the scale... See why I'm spinning yet? I could definitely keep going, but I think you get the gist. Things are a little hectic right now and to salt my wounds I've gain 5lbs. Stupid f'ing Halloween candy.

Last night J and I had an excellent vent session. I got it all out. My plan of attack came this morning in the form of a checklist for work. I've been running and attending so many meetings that I feel like things are falling off my typically well balanced plate. Now I'm writing everything down. It's a damn long list, but I feel good about the things I've already been able to check off today. Thankfully I have 1 meeting, so I should be able to plow through a ton more.

Tonight when I get home the first thing I will do (maybe even in my vanpool on the way home...) is make a checklist for there too. Chores, projects, stuff we still need to finish the downstairs, separate grocery/Costco lists, tabs for the truck, etc.

The final step in my plan is that I MUST start exercising regularly. I feel like a fat, lazy, sloth these days. Eating better will improve that, but I will never meet my goals and feel good about myself if I don't get my butt moving. I thought I could do it outside of the gym, but I am beginning to think I was kidding myself. I chatted with a friend that I carpool with and I think she and I are going to go after work and do it together! It will be so much easier having a buddy to hold me accountable. My good pal R and I used to do this when we were prepping for our weddings and it worked really well. Now, I don't know that my carpool buddy will call me a cow like R did when I start to bail, but hopefully I can still manage. Just the thought of getting in a yoga class here and there eases my tension a bit.

Sorry this is so long, I didn't start out with that intention. These moments come and go, but there is really something to be said for addressing it early and getting organized. I'm still feeling busy and pressured today, but not nearly the anxiety of yesterday. Here's to me sticking to my plan! Speaking of plans - today is day 1 of Clomid. More to come on that later.

Now my only break for the day is over, time for me to dive back in.

November 1 = CD 1

AF barged in yesterday and that is saying it nicely.

Yesterday started as a very productive day. We've been working on making over our downstairs and things are coming together nicely. Freshly painted walls, new art, new desk fully assembled (it is our tv room/den), etc. My Mother-in-law saved the day and came by to pick up the dog and give him a good walk. We've been so busy that poor Harley has been neglected the past couple of weeks. After they walked 5 miles she came back and while we finished up she made us dinner! I was thrilled not to have to cook.

About 10 minutes before I sat down to dinner I thought I was going to vomit or shit myself. Yes, I'd been drinking the night before (Halloween), but not in that much excess to be sick 18 hours later. I went upstairs and realized I'd started. It was game on after that. I was cramping really bad so I strapped on the heating pad. I made it through dinner and then MIL left and I snuggled up with J to watch America's Funniest Home Videos. I was miserable. Cramps were getting worse and worse. A hot shower didn't help and the heating pad wasn't doing anything. I laid down in bed and 15 minutes later I was in tears. J wasn't sure what to do. Boy he tried though. He fetched ibuprofen, water, and dished out the forehead kisses until I was able to fall asleep.

Thankfully, I slept like the dead. The weird thing was I had period dreams all night. Not just period induced psychosis, but actually dreams about my period. Being out in public with stained pants, buying tampons, etc. It was bizarre. I must have gotten it out of my system though, because I woke up this morning feeling pretty good. I was crampy a couple of times today, but nothing out of the norm.

Anyone that has taken progesterone, did you have a similar experience? I'm wondering if the medication had anything to do with it. I can, without a doubt, say that was top 3 worst starts ever. I'm okay with that being a one-time deal.