A couple of updates before we head to the airport..

Had an ultrasound and a good chat with the doctor. He decided to up my dosage again this month (150mg), before deciding if we're going to try and switch medication. I go back next Thursday so that he can take a good peek at my folicles, and see if am actually preparing to O.

J's SA came back and the results were really good. I am relieved not to have to fight this from both ends. He had excellent motility and morphology and they like to see between 20-90 million troops per ml and J provided them with about 74.5. 'Doesn't get much better than that' the doc said. Boy was it nice to hear those words for a change.

So, here we go again. Day 1 of the 150mg dosage. Since I had mild symptoms last month, we'll just have to see how I do this month. Wish us luck!

Another Busy Week.

This week is going to be a hectic one. We got an unfortunate phone call this morning, J's grandfather passed away. While this is awful and sad, it was equally a blessing. He's up there (I want to say he was about to turn 88 or 89) and he has been sick for some time. The fact that he is no longer suffering brings us peace of mind. My ache is for Grandma. They'd been married 63 years. The year J and I got engaged we flew down there for their 60th wedding anniversary. What do you do with yourself after all that time? J and I will just have to go on the same day, The Notebook style. That's the only reasonable solution.

It does mean that we have to get our butts to Arizona on Wednesday. My MIL went down there today to help her Mom and will be calling us tonight so that we can book flights, cars and rooms. My goal was to work out 5 days this week and I am determined to still make that happen. I went tonight, go me! Tomorrow I have an appointment for an ultrasound and to chat about the next leg in this whole mess of making a baby. Then I have to get to work for most of the day, hit the gym, get the dog to his grandpa's house and pack! We plan to leave first thing Wednesday and will be back on Saturday. It is supposed to be nice down there so I am bringing my gym stuff. My MIL loves to walk and I figure we'll both need a break now and then. There are lots of good parks and trails near where we are staying. I'll report back when I return and tell you how well I did.

I hope everyone has a good week.

Chubby Check-In

While my weight has not changed a BIT, I am feeling a lot better. Even with the serious period bloat and water retention, I'm still sitting comfortably in my size smaller jeans. However, the real upside to this week is I worked out 4 of the 7 days! I'm going to try for 5 this week.

Wednesday: 30 minutes on the elliptical (on this 'fat burner' series - KICKS MY ASS, nothing like just plain 30 minutes on the machine)
Thursday: Walked 2.5 miles
Friday: 30 minutes on the elliptical
Sunday: Walked for an hour. I'm not 100% certain, but we walked approx. 3.5 miles.

I feel really good about my activity level. Today I spent time preparing for my week and I purchased some snacks and such to take with me to work. Some days get so hectic and I end up grabbing something really bad for me. Now I've got some 100 calorie options and a few Healthy Choice low cal, low sodium soup for when I forget or can't pack a lunch. Always good to have a back up plan, right?

Hopefully next week I will have better progress to share.

Being a Friend to a Girl Like Me.

A few weeks back I had a really good conversation with my BFF and partner in most crimes, R. She said something that really stuck with me: that in the past year and half she really hasn't been sure how to be my friend. She went on to explain that if I had cancer or a broken limb she could care for me and nurse me back to health, but instead there is nothing she can do to help my suffering. I imagine this is true for a lot of women who have friends struggling with IF. Do you ask how things or going or just wait for her to come to you? Offer advice? Talk about your own family?

R is blessed in a number of ways, but most recently in that she and her husband conceived a grand total of 27 seconds after deciding to try to have a second child. She said it was almost like having survivors guilt knowing that she made it while so many others are struggling.

So, how can you be friends with a girl like me? Well, R was right. There isn't a damn thing you can do to make this better or to cure what ails me. I certainly wish it was that easy. Do I want you to ask me how I'm doing? Sometimes I do, sometimes I don't. There isn't one right answer I suppose. Every woman wants/needs something a little different. For me it may be an open door, humor, and a timely glass of red wine. For another it may be something else entirely. But, at the end of the day, a good friend makes all the difference in the world.

Sunshine Award!

One of the sweetest women I have ever known, Susan, nominated me for this pretty award! Ain't it cute? I love getting these! It's right up there with getting birthday and Christmas cards in the mail. They're pretty and it is nice to be thought of, isn't it? Anywho, here's the rules (short and sweet, I like that too!):

Here are the rules:
1. Put the logo in my post or within my blog.
2. Pass the award onto 12 fellow bloggers. 12?? Jebus.
3. Link the nominees within my post.
4. Let the nominees know they have received this award by leaving a comment on their blogs.
5. Share the love and link to the person who gave you the award!

It ain't 12, I decided to just cut that in half for good measure. Here are my nominations (in no particular order):

Rachel
Susan
Krista
Candace
Anne
Jess

****ETA: KC nominated me as well! Only my laptop is being a giant PITA and wouldn't let me get to her blog to know what exactly she'd nominated me for. Sorry, KC! KC is the mama to the a-fricken-dorable Ryder, seriously go check out her blog even if only to see that cute face!****

Sneaky Bitch

She gave me no advanced notice she was coming. Let alone coming early. But boy did she show up with enthusiasm.

Yes, AF is here. Yes, another cycle has bit the dust. This cycle was only 25 days.

Here we go again.

Oh the hilarity of it all.

Part of the TTC process, and especially with the added infertility, are the crazy conversation topics. Especially while one or both of us is at work. I do not have a private office. I'm in an over sized cubical for petesake. Those walls are as thick, and block as much noise, as a tissue.

Today J called and we were talking about his need to drop off 'sample' at the lab. Now, I am in my office and J is somewhere having his lunch. Neither of us was technically alone. So I'm referencing his 'appointment' and that I would prefer he get it out of the way so that we have answers before we would have to meet with the doctor. But instead of just saying, I'd prefer to have the results of your sperm analysis before I have to go back in for another ultrasound and talk about our next steps, I'm talking around the whole subject and J is busy filling in the blanks on his end. It was hilarious trying to talk in these vague and generic terms so that no one could pick up what we're talking about.

Towards the end of our conversation I just had to laugh. I mean only in my life would I be covering up a conversation about my husbands semen while I'm at work!

(Yes, that means J's boys are at the lab. Please send us any spare positive thoughts they are healthy and strong. Thanks!)

I'm losing myself.

This was the topic of conversation I had with J on Monday. We were talking about next months plan if we're not successful this cycle. That led us to talk instead about how it feels like that is all we ever talk about. Of course it isn't actually all we talk about. We talk constantly about our days, weekend plans, how big of a dork I am, and all other completely nonbabyrelated chat. However, it slips in every day. When is our appointment? When is his SA? What my chart looks like, how I'm feeling, what the OPK said, another emotional breakdown, etc, etc. J is really good at compartmentalizing and I am not. He can turn that part of his brain off and go about his normal functions. I however get consumed. My mind never gets a break. I pointed out that for the maybe 10 minutes a day we chat, I have 16 hours (my approx. waking hours) that it is on my mind. 'S, you have to stop that. Stop thinking about it.' How do I do this? I wake up and it's the first thing I think about because I take my temperature. Then before I leave I take meds. Depending on the time of the month I get home and am peeing on one type of test or another... and let's not talk about my thoughts when I lay in my quiet bedroom at night.

I feel like this has taken over my life. I don't have a lot of free time these days. Work is demanding, and with the gym and sleeping I only have about 3-4 hours free at home every night. With cooking dinner, chores, and/or paying bills, that isn't a lot of 'life' to begin with. Maybe I need a break? But will that really take my mind off of it? Does your mind ever get taken off? I always feel better when I am in action. Perhaps taking a break would only make me feel more useless? Unfortunately like all other things, I don't have the answer. All I do know is that I need to fight not to lose myself in this unfortunately long process.

Beautiful Blogger Award

The beautiful Buckin nominated me for this award! B is an amazing woman. She also has PCOS. It is from her that I have learned so much more about myself and my condition. Her guidance and support have meant a great deal to me. Just knowing that a woman so strong, smart, and kind would stick around for as long as she has in my corner makes me hold my head a little higher when the going gets tough. Someday I'm flying my tush across this beautiful country of ours and giving her the biggest hug she's ever had! Thanks, Buck!

The instructions that go along with this award are as follows:
- Thank the person who nominated you for this award.
- Copy the award and place it in your blog.
- Link the person who nominated you for this award.
- Tell us 7 interesting things about you.
- Nominate 7 bloggers
- Post the links to the 7 bloggers you nominate.

About me:
1) I love office supplies.
2) The only thing I love more than office supplies and my husband (in that order) is a good planner.
3) I have all three of our camping trips planned for the summer. Our Memorial Day trip already has a planned menu.
4) I cannot get enough of the show Chuck... Zachary Levi... ;)
5) I am going to be opening an Etsy store.
6) I have just joined a softball team. I haven't played in 7 years - I'm stoked!
7) I am so unhappy at work right now that I cannot even enjoy my evenings because I am so overwhelmed with the dread of tomorrow. I've got to get out of this funk.

Okay, we can not end on a downer, so a bonus:
8) My spring project is to remove the wallpaper in our dining room and kitchen, it's going to be beautiful!

I nominate:
Anne
Stephanie
Jess
Jenny
Susan
Rotty
Candace

Chubby Check-In

While Super Bowl was the devil and completely curbed all of my progress for this week, it wasn't a total loss. I'm officially down a pants size. I've been flirting with it for a couple of weeks. My 16's are way to big. I can pull them down without unbuttoning them. But my 14's are practically painted on. J and I went to the mall on Saturday because we both needed jeans and I bought two different styles and they both were 14! The best part? I didn't look like a busted can of biscuits in either of them!

My goal for this week is to step it up a bit at the gym. I want to get in at least a couple of miles each day I do cardio. And on my yoga days I'd like to fit in at least 15 minutes on the eliptical prior to class. I've also been slacking on my water intake, so I will focus my attention there as well. The scale was down another 2 lbs, before SB Sunday. O'well... The drinks and the food were worth it for one day!

Cupcake FAILURE

I love to cook and bake. I know a lot of people that generally fall on one side or the other, but I could never choose a side.

I was uber excited to try a new recipe that I saw on tv for Thin Mint Cupcakes. I mean HELL-O, Thin Mints are probably the greatest of all the food groups. But to make them into a cupcake?! Well, it turns out it was too damn good to be true. I made THREE batches and they all fell in. I used two different recipes for the chocolate cupcake and they were all a disaster! In my research I've found that I think it may be my ingredients. My flour and baking soda/powder aren't exactly new (at least a few months old) and apparently that can be an issue... Because otherwise I followed the instructions to the T. My measurements were exact. The order was precise. The mint butter-cream frosting I made is delicious. Too bad there are cupcakes for me to inject it into...

DAMN IT. I hate to fail. Especially when I told my friends I'd be bringing them for Super Bowl. I'm tempted to go to the bakery and get unfrosted chocolate cupcakes, finish them myself, and then lie through my teeth that they're homemade. Tempting...

**ETA: I used a mix and they came out fine. Must have been my ingredients. I'll buy everything fresh next time!**

Let's talk about sex baby

And no, I'm not talking about the early 90's Salt-n-Pepa rap. I'm talking about my complete and udder lack of desire to hop into the sack with my husband.

Something that anyone with IF issues knows, is that some months are better than others. This last month was clearly not the best for me. Don't get me wrong, they're each disappointing, but some months we handle that disappointment better than others. Some months our sexlife is like it always was, healthy and satisfying. But this last month I feel like we've both just been distracted, tired, and worn down. Even on days where I kind of had what could be a positive OPK, we both did what needed to be done. But, I don't want to feel like we 'need' to have sex.

One night right around O last month, I was coming to bed and J said something like 'I guess we need to have sex tonight.' Now, I know he didn't mean it the way it sounded, but I was crushed. I felt rejected and undesirable and every other for of self-pity that my over-emotional self could think of. Of course he promptly apologized, he knew as soon as it came out that he'd said the wrong thing. He was tired, it had been a long day, and in my mind I knew exactly what he was talking about. It isn't like I was skipping in the room ready to jump him.

I have learned that sometimes we have to fake it til we make it. Sometimes we can't let tired get in the way. Even on my most exhausted days I still love, adore, and desire my husband. I'm trying very hard to not make TTC a chore. But it would be a lie to say that I didn't miss the spontaneity and excitement of our pre-ttc sex life.

Does it get better? Do we get back to that place? How do we break this cycle? I suppose it is just another facet of this process that has given me more questions than answers.

Clomid - Round II

I've completed my 5 days at the increased 100mg dosage. The last three months I was pleasantly surprised by how different I didn't feel. No side affects, changes, nada. This month is different so far. Not drastically so, but also not puppies and rainbows like the first three months.

I've been exhausted. I went to sleep at 7:00pm last night, ya'll. Lamesauce! I've also felt really 'off' and am constantly slightly nauseous. It's been a full day since I've been done with the pills and I already feel better. Thankfully no mood swings or extra crankiness, I think J was worried about that one! Oh, but the CM that I've been producing for it being so early in my cycle... hello! You're welcome for that last little tidbit. I know you were dying to know! But, I'm tracking that too this cycle, so brace yourself for more Mrs. S CM Status Updates.

Laughter and other child-like behavior.

One of the coolest chicks I know, Isha, inspired this post. Her post was about how 'lame' her and her husband are. I don't think they are lame at all! But that's probably because what she described can commonly be taking place at our house.

Singing Songs
Changing the lyrics to songs to make them silly
Making up our own songs
Dancing
Tickling/poking
Giving the Squish of Death (comes in many forms ranging from bear hug to belly flop)
Having full conversations with Harley (or Harley, or Harlimous, or Mr. Ray, or stinky-stinkerkins --- see the next bullet please!)
And my favorite? Making up new words.

I have made up new words since I was a kid. One day when I was about 8 I said 'ginormous' on accident. My friend and I laughed and laughed because it was a funny slip of the tounge. So, we started using it allll the time. No more 'enormous' or 'giant'. Now, that word is in the dictionary! No joke. Okay, so I may not have actually invented the word, or been the first to use it in print, but the word didn't become popular until the 90's and personally I think you should thank ol' Yours Truly.

I friend of mine accidentely used the word 'contribucations' and I almost peed my pants. Love it!

But I digress. We have tons of silly nicknames for one another. I hardly ever use J's actual name. Usually only if we're around other people that don't know us all that well, or if he's in trouble. lol

I have often said that the secret to our successful relationship is our ability to make each other laugh. That and of course or passion for the game of Slug-Bug. Having a legitamate excuse to slug your spouse is good for your marriage. I promise. We have fun every day. That is how I knew that he was the one for me. He isn't just funny, hes fun!

Have you chuckled with your mate yet today?