Wednesday, February 17, 2010

I'm losing myself.

This was the topic of conversation I had with J on Monday. We were talking about next months plan if we're not successful this cycle. That led us to talk instead about how it feels like that is all we ever talk about. Of course it isn't actually all we talk about. We talk constantly about our days, weekend plans, how big of a dork I am, and all other completely nonbabyrelated chat. However, it slips in every day. When is our appointment? When is his SA? What my chart looks like, how I'm feeling, what the OPK said, another emotional breakdown, etc, etc. J is really good at compartmentalizing and I am not. He can turn that part of his brain off and go about his normal functions. I however get consumed. My mind never gets a break. I pointed out that for the maybe 10 minutes a day we chat, I have 16 hours (my approx. waking hours) that it is on my mind. 'S, you have to stop that. Stop thinking about it.' How do I do this? I wake up and it's the first thing I think about because I take my temperature. Then before I leave I take meds. Depending on the time of the month I get home and am peeing on one type of test or another... and let's not talk about my thoughts when I lay in my quiet bedroom at night.

I feel like this has taken over my life. I don't have a lot of free time these days. Work is demanding, and with the gym and sleeping I only have about 3-4 hours free at home every night. With cooking dinner, chores, and/or paying bills, that isn't a lot of 'life' to begin with. Maybe I need a break? But will that really take my mind off of it? Does your mind ever get taken off? I always feel better when I am in action. Perhaps taking a break would only make me feel more useless? Unfortunately like all other things, I don't have the answer. All I do know is that I need to fight not to lose myself in this unfortunately long process.


  1. I am sorry, I remember it all too well. I was the exact same way, I was totally obsessed. I finally had to quit BOTB because of it. I stopped charting and just used OPKS around the time I knew I was supposed to O. The cycle we got pregnant, I wasn't charting and only took an OPK after the fact. I really think that sometimes, it's a good idea to take a break from all of it to maintain your sanity!

  2. I don't have the answer either. I dive into my food blog to take my mind off of it, but some days are better than others. Somedays I think about it in the back of my mind all the time and some days I take temps and pop pills without recognition just autopilot.
    What he has to realize is ITS happening TO YOU. You don't just get to have sex and take a test once in a blue moon, YOU HAVE TO MONITOR, and stress, and YOU will be the one to carry and feel the growth and change. But if its causing you MORE anxiety, which doesn't help the process, sometimes a break is good. I was getting to my wits end when I got the BFP. The past few months have been better mentally. My enforced break due to Roof issues? yea, that one won't be so easy but part of me is relieved. Maybe a month off will be best. You have to decide that though. GL dear.

  3. Thank you, ladies. I know what you mean about BOTB, Jess. I love the ladies there, but I just can't go there but once in a blue moon now. It contributes too much to my addiction. Krista, it's funny that you mention your food blog because I just started a photography one. Diving into that sounds like it might be just what I need.

    You both are saints and I appreciate you.

  4. I do read this, I want to make sure you know. Not as often as I should, but I do think about you every day, and I wish I could make this better. I love you.