This was the topic of conversation I had with J on Monday. We were talking about next months plan if we're not successful this cycle. That led us to talk instead about how it feels like that is all we ever talk about. Of course it isn't actually all we talk about. We talk constantly about our days, weekend plans, how big of a dork I am, and all other completely nonbabyrelated chat. However, it slips in every day. When is our appointment? When is his SA? What my chart looks like, how I'm feeling, what the OPK said, another emotional breakdown, etc, etc. J is really good at compartmentalizing and I am not. He can turn that part of his brain off and go about his normal functions. I however get consumed. My mind never gets a break. I pointed out that for the maybe 10 minutes a day we chat, I have 16 hours (my approx. waking hours) that it is on my mind. 'S, you have to stop that. Stop thinking about it.' How do I do this? I wake up and it's the first thing I think about because I take my temperature. Then before I leave I take meds. Depending on the time of the month I get home and am peeing on one type of test or another... and let's not talk about my thoughts when I lay in my quiet bedroom at night.
I feel like this has taken over my life. I don't have a lot of free time these days. Work is demanding, and with the gym and sleeping I only have about 3-4 hours free at home every night. With cooking dinner, chores, and/or paying bills, that isn't a lot of 'life' to begin with. Maybe I need a break? But will that really take my mind off of it? Does your mind ever get taken off? I always feel better when I am in action. Perhaps taking a break would only make me feel more useless? Unfortunately like all other things, I don't have the answer. All I do know is that I need to fight not to lose myself in this unfortunately long process.