And no, I'm not talking about the early 90's Salt-n-Pepa rap. I'm talking about my complete and udder lack of desire to hop into the sack with my husband.
Something that anyone with IF issues knows, is that some months are better than others. This last month was clearly not the best for me. Don't get me wrong, they're each disappointing, but some months we handle that disappointment better than others. Some months our sexlife is like it always was, healthy and satisfying. But this last month I feel like we've both just been distracted, tired, and worn down. Even on days where I kind of had what could be a positive OPK, we both did what needed to be done. But, I don't want to feel like we 'need' to have sex.
One night right around O last month, I was coming to bed and J said something like 'I guess we need to have sex tonight.' Now, I know he didn't mean it the way it sounded, but I was crushed. I felt rejected and undesirable and every other for of self-pity that my over-emotional self could think of. Of course he promptly apologized, he knew as soon as it came out that he'd said the wrong thing. He was tired, it had been a long day, and in my mind I knew exactly what he was talking about. It isn't like I was skipping in the room ready to jump him.
I have learned that sometimes we have to fake it til we make it. Sometimes we can't let tired get in the way. Even on my most exhausted days I still love, adore, and desire my husband. I'm trying very hard to not make TTC a chore. But it would be a lie to say that I didn't miss the spontaneity and excitement of our pre-ttc sex life.
Does it get better? Do we get back to that place? How do we break this cycle? I suppose it is just another facet of this process that has given me more questions than answers.