I need a vacation.

I believe that my allergies from the weekend have developed into a cold. I'm all plugged up and because I've had to breath through my mouth, my throat is sore. It took all I had to get up and come into work today. I cannot tell you how many times I thought about calling in. The only reason I didn't is because that would mean more work and more stress when I returned. Uggggh.

My job gets more and more stressful as time goes on. I'm basically doing the job that three managers were previously responsible for. I'm not getting paid more, or getting additional perks. Just like most people I'm being asked to do more (a LOT more) with less. I am considering bringing this up to my new boss and I am just not certain how. I suppose I should just lay my responsibilities out and see what he says. It isn't like it will hurt.

A friend of mine is trying to get me to come and work for him. The base salary would be less than I am making now, but I would be eligible for monthly bonuses and OT. So that means I could potentially make more. I don't know that I'm ready to take that risk, but it is sounding more appealing every day.

I've been thinking more and more about taking a break. Own two-year IF anniversary is approaching and the more I think about it, the more anxious and awful I feel. But, do I want to start over with the meds and the appointments and testing? I'm afraid of feeling like a quitter.

Couple work stress with IF stress and add to that an every growing list of chores and to-do's at home... I'm ready to run away. Far, far away.

Goodbye Friend

I got some sad news yesterday. My dads best friend past away. This man served 3 tours in Vietnam and was a proud vet. He was also a dad, a husband, a friend, and too young to be gone already. Oh, and he was hilarious. We would always team up and pick on my dad. Almost every time I saw him he would say something sweet like, 'Sweety, I'm not sure how you turned out so pretty with THAT as a father.' Giving my dad a hard time was an excellent way for us to bond.

About 6 months ago he was diagnosed with malignant mesothelioma. It wasn't long before he was in the hospital and having surgery to remove one of his lungs. Things did not go well after his surgery. A number of times he stopped breathing and even suffered a stroke. It took weeks, but he did start to improve. The last couple of weeks he spent in a adult-care rehabilitation facility. Yesterday morning after a day of developing a cough, they admitted him back to the hospital with pneumonia. At 4:00 yesterday, he passed away.

He spent weeks suffering and in pain. He would not have wanted to live that way. He talked a lot with my dad after his diagnosis. Mostly about how he'd lived a good life and if it was his time to go, it was his time. He didn't want to live in suffering. I think my dad was more upset while his friend was in the hospital than a couple of hours after he was gone. Knowing that he is no longer connected to machines to do his feeding and breathing brings my dad peace. I hope that same peace is settling over the rest of his family and friends.

For now, I hope that he is up there practicing his cribbage game, because next time we play I'm going to take more than just $4. :)

Not great news.

Today my appointment was short, but lacking in the sweet. Though somehow I knew going in this wasn't going to be it. My lining had thinned considerably (by about half) and I had a lot of visible follicles, but none even as large as the two were on Monday. She didn't even bother measuring them. She basically said that it appears I'm not responding. There are a few things we're going to do now.

*I am going to continue OPKs, it is possible that I just haven't ovulated yet. If that is the case I will go in as soon as I get a positive.

*When AF does arrive (if on time) I am going to go in on day 2 or 3 so that they can scope me out. Then I will do another round of Femara. This time it will be 7.5mg and I will take it on days 3-7 instead of 5-9.

*If I don't get my period in a couple of weeks (and no BFP) she wants me to come in a do blood work.

We discussed metformin briefly, but she didn't think I needed it since I've been having 'regular cycles' while I'm taking meds (clomid/femara and the progesterone).

I'm sad. I'm disappointed. I'm feeling defeated. I really thought we'd found what I needed. How can I respond one month and not the next? It just isn't fair. It SUCKS. One tiny step forward and then we're back where we started. Just like always, we'll have to wait and see. Waiting. I'm always waiting on something...

Thank you for all of your well wishes. I wish I had better news to report.

A lot is going on today.

I am grateful that I was able to work from home today. I have SO much to get done today and I am happy to say I got an early start and have managed to accomplish almost all of it! I love to check things off my to-do list. Especially after a long and incredibly hectic week!

I dropped Miss Lacey off to get spayed this morning. I didn't cry! I am very proud of myself. She loves our vets office (they're very liberal with the treats, lol) and was very happy to see Dr. Victoria. I think her being so comfortable was really helpful. I get to pick her up later this afternoon/evening.

I'm back to the doc today too. Fingers, legs, eyes, arms are all crossed for major follicle growth. If that goes well, it is IUI time folks!

::deep breaths into a paper bag::

Then it is off to my moms house to celebrate my grandmothers 75th birthday! It will be nice to spend some good quality time with my family. I'm thankful to have great women in my family and to gather together AND eat steaks... well thats just a damn good Friday if you ask me!

Sometime today I've got to put together my outfit for tomorrow night - LADIES NIGHT! J and his buddies are going out for a bachelor party, so us ladies are having dinner, going to have drinks and do some dancing downtown! Since I'm at that awkward, between sizes, stage - I think there might be shopping in my future!

TGIF!

(*Pssst* Check out the new addition to my bar on the left. You can now follow me on Twitter! Yup, I am now a Twit.)

Getting my dog fixed.

Don't you just love the randomness that comes from my posts? lol

Tomorrow I have to take my puppy in to get her fixed. Lacey is a purebred yellow lab and we toyed for weeks with the idea of breeding her. We decided that we just didn't have the capacity to take that on right now. I'm really bummed! I don't want her to have to get surgery, even though I know doing so decreases her risk of breast cancer as well as infections. I cannot guarantee that I won't cry. Yes, I'm a big baby for my dogs.

Is it weird that in the back of my mind I'm hoping the Karma Gods aren't upset with me for wanting a baby, all while taking away my dogs chances of doing the same? I will have to find other ways to boost my karma this week I think. This will most definitely take a hit on my karma balance. :)

Biggest Loser Finale

Nope, I'm not talking the TV show here peeps. I'm talking about the challenge we had at work. We started with 10 people and ended with about 5, but those of us that stuck with it all lost weight! I can in second place. The winner lost 22 lbs in 12 1/2 weeks and I lost - 14! It isn't nearly as great as I would have liked, but as busy as we've been the last two months, I'm very proud of myself. I've not dedicated nearly enough time to exercise and allowed myself more treats than I probably should have, but in the process I have lived.

I've learned that I can maintain. That I can treat myself to a smore (or 2!) while we're camping and that it doesn't have to mean my complete unraveling. I've re-learned that carbs are not the greatest thing for me. I've managed my carbs in the past and been successful in losing weight. Now that I know it can have a positive impact on my PCOS, it is going to have to become a lifestyle change and not a 'diet'. Those that may not recall, I am not completely eliminating carbs. At all. I am eating small amounts of carbs (fruits and veggies don't count! I'm eating tons of those.) with most meals and just keeping them under control. Usually around 60 grams a day. Doing so I hope will help regulate my blood sugar levels and keep the communication lines between the ol' ute and pancreas running smoothly.

The biggest difference I see is in my energy levels. I love being active now. I don't see walking around as a tiresome chore (okay, maybe sometimes I do...) and I look forward to getting out of the house. I think the fact that the weather is improving and summer might have finally made it to the northwest helps with this too. Whatever it is, I'll take it!

My final Biggest Loser weigh in = 186. WOOT! Know what that means?

I OFFICIALLY MADE IT TO 50 POUNDS!

::shakes slightly smaller booty::

I did it! It's been two years in the making, but I did it. Finally. Ideally I would like to lose another 30 pounds. That would put me at the ideal weight according to my BMI chart (anyone else find those things useless!?). However, I am a built on a slightly bigger/athletic frame, with wider hips and shoulders, so my plan is to shoot for 16 (170) and check in again. Smaller goals are better for me anyway.

Now, someone pass me the cake.

Loss

I am always grateful that as long as this IF road has been for J and I, that we have not had to experience a loss. So many of the women I have met along this road have and I cannot imagine that pain.

I'm not here to chat about that kind of loss today. Today I'm talking about the loss of a parent. (again, not mine) Yesterday one of my best friends lost her mother unexpectedly. If you've been around here for any length of time, you know the support and love Rachel has provided me during this journey. (and many other events in my life) That is just the kind of person Rachel is. She asks questions and gets involved. Not because she's nosey (okay, maybe a liiiittle bit :) but because she cares for people. It's what she does. She's a lover and a compassionate individual. She takes your burdens and makes them her own.

This includes the burden of her family, friends, internet peeps, neighbors, etc. When Rachel and I first became close friends she was caring for her young sister. Approximately 12 years her junior, Rachel's sister left her mother’s house and came to live with Rachel. The reasons here are not really important, but Rachel was able to provide her sister with the love, structure, and support that she desperately needed at that time. Why? Because that's just the kind of person she is.

Rachel has had some unfortunate experiences in her life. She has experienced too much loss, neglectful and hurtful relationships, and just hard times in general. Instead of allowing these life experiences to get her down, she has grown from them. Tremendously. She is a stronger woman and a better mother. Not just a mother to her own beautiful children, but in a way to our whole 'family'. She's there for advice and shoulder when we need it. She gives a roof to a baby sister that needed an escape. While I believe that she has survived and made herself a better person because of her life experiences, I must give some of that credit to Rachel's mother. She provided many examples of how to persevere, as well some examples of ways not to behave (all mothers do that occasionally - no disrespect to her mom).

From this I have been reminded to appreciate what I DO have. To love those that are in my life now and to tell those I love how I feel. Life is too short and isn't always fair.

So to you Rachel - I hope that in your days of mourning you mourn not for the 'loss' of your mother. Because in you she lives. In your strength, in the life lessons you bestow on your children and friends, and the care and mothering you provide us all. I am so terribly sorry for your loss. I will continue to keep you and your family in my thoughts and prayers. And if you need anything at all, I hope that you can come to me. That I can have an opportunity to return some of the support that you have shown me in dark days.

Too Soon To Tell

I had to see one of Doc Oc's other doctors today because he's on vacation. I've seen her once before and like her okay. We came in, recapped my regimen, and got right down to dildocam business. We were able to find quite a few follicles, but they were only about 11-12mm. They are larger than my baseline, but not big enough to be 'mature' yet.

So, what that means is I am headed back to see her on Friday. Usually one or two will step up and take the lead. If they grow at 1-2mm per day, on Friday I should have a follicle around 15mm(low end) to 20mm(high end). Fingers crossed for high end.

No IUI today, we've got to hang in there and wait until the end of the week. I will keep testing with OPK's and call in if I get a positive before then.

Thank you for all of the well wishes. I will keep them close until Friday!

June ICLW!

June 21st already!? Happy first official day of summer! This is the first time I have participated in ICLW. I'm a newb!

So, for those of you that are new around these parts - welcome!! A lot of my history is included in the sidebar on the right. To sum it all up, my husband and I have been working at TTC since September 2008. October of 2009 we sought out medical help. I learned then that J has perfectly performing swimmers and I have PCOS. After three cycles of failed Clomid, we started Femara. May was the first time I was confirmed to have ovulated. Timed sex and BFN. This will be our fourth Femara cycle and our first cycle of IUI if today's appointment shows I have good follicle development.

In the past two years I have lost almost 50lbs and I am working on losing about another 30 in hopes that it will help with my PCOS. I've been eating much healthier, but I've been a slacker with the exercise, so I've got to get with it!

It has been a long and bumpy road so far and I'm sure there is more bumpy road ahead of us. One thing IF has given me is relationships with incredible women through blogging and the internet. I hope to 'meet' even more cool ladies through Stirrup Queens and ICLW.

Thankful Thursday

It's been a couple of weeks, but I'm back with TT!

1. A wallpaper free kitchen! People, I don't think you understand what we were dealing with. When we looked at the house we said 'this will be the first thing to go!' and TWO YEARS later we're now getting to it. I can only describe it as country chic. With birds nests and houses, gingham, two different boarders, etc. I cannot tell you how much we hated it. But, the kitchen is DONE! Just a bit left in the dining room and we're all done! Pictures to come when we're all done.

2. A busy schedule. I credit that as the only reason I got out of my AF/BFN funk this month. Distraction is a beautiful thing. But seriously, I might need to do something about the fact that we have all of two available weekends until September. Yikes!

3. Growing up. My sister and I fought like cats and dogs growing up. Actually cats and dogs don't quite cover it, but you get the idea. In the last couple of years, as we've each grown up, we've been communicating more and actually getting along. I cannot wait to see what our relationship will grow to.

4. My sister. I am thankful that she is maturing. That she is strong enough to have opened up and seek the help she deserves. I am so deeply proud of her. It is only up from here.

5. Broccoli with cheese. Broccoli + homemade cheese sauce = Yummmmmmmy. Yes, you read that right. I'm mildly obsessed. Although when I made it for dinner tonight, I promise it wasn't the only thing I ate this time. Unlike last week...

6. My planner filled with check lists and to do lists (especially the ones on my cute and brightly colored post-its!). I'm not getting absolutely everything done, but I cannot imagine how much I'd be dropping without them!

What are you thankful for this Thursday?

Upcoming Dr Visit

This Monday I will be back to the doctor. Doc Oc is on vacation (again!), so I will be seeing another one of the docs in his office that he has trained. I saw her last month and liked her fine.

If I have developing follicles again this month, J and I are almost positive we'll be doing IUI. Has anyone had this procedure? Can you give me the details on what it was like? I've done some reading, but I would be very interested in a personal account. I'm nervous. I'm not really sure why. I'm nervous I won't have responded again, I'm nervous about the IUI, and I'm nervous that the IUI won't work. Nerves, nerves, nerves!

I think I'm going to make myself a massage appointment and try to relax. Thankfully we've got so much going on at home (kitchen facelift!) that I'm sufficiently distracted once I get home. Work on the other hand? I've been spending so much time working solo at my desk that my mind has entirely too much time to wander.

Here we go again!

My Charting Failure

If you have clicked the link to view my chart, you'll know that I haven't been doing it. I took a month off and that month sort of became a few months. It started with the new meds and the new puppy. I was up so much during the night I would have failed miserably. Now, on most nights, I am sleeping through the night. I no longer have that excuse to cling to and I still cannot fathom going back to charting right now.

I think I have abandoned it for a couple of reasons. Number one being that my meds change my chart. The minute I start progesterone, my temps increase. FF will never give me solid cross hairs because of the medication. Number two being, I was over analysing all of these symptoms and they had already happened. There isn't anything I can do to change them, so why spend so much time looking at them. What I needed to focus on was something that was going to tell me what was coming (midcycle checks, OPKs). Then I could prepare accordingly.

I really enjoyed charting in the beginning. I felt like it gave me something tangible to view. Now, honestly I cannot go back. The thought of it is suffocating to me. I don't want to be bound to another thing I have to do each day. Between the meds, the vitamins, the sex, the doctors appointments, the shots, etc... Something had to give and that something was my dear Fertility Frienemy.

Maybe someday I will go back. It does give me a good place to record CDs, positive OPKs, and symptoms, even if I don't record temps. But, for now, that BBT is staying in my nightstand where it belongs.

Weekend Recap

I had a wonderful weekend, it was just what the doctor ordered.

Saturday I went out with an old friend and took maternity photos for her. She is due within the next month. It was a gorgeous morning and we had a great time catching up and visiting. We definitely need to do it more often. Meanwhile my husband spent the whole day doing yard work! I told him that I could reschedule my photo shoot and he said absolutely not. That he didn't mind. He kissed me goodbye and told me to have fun. LOVE that man.

Saturday evening we went out to dinner and hung out for a friends birthday. Again, it was fantastic to see some of my favorite people, and their babies, and just relax. Have a beer, sit on the back porch, and chat.

Sunday it was kitchen destruction! We have slowly been working on our kitchen. We recently got a new refrigerator and dishwasher, and yesterday we installed our new microwave. While we had the old one off the wall we began a project that has been two years in the making - Mission Remove Wallpaper. Sweet baby Jesus do I hate wallpaper. The previous homeowners definitely had a different opinion. I do have to give them their props because they did an excellent job hanging it. Perfectly trimmed, the light switches are covered and do not break the pattern. A professional job for sure. I just don't dig the four different birdhouse/floral patterns they chose. Yuck! Thankfully they prepped the walls just as well as they hung the paper and it is coming right off! I cannot wait to paint and tile. It's coming right along!

Following our productive morning we were off to a grad party BBQ. Another event with great food and fun people! We grilled and hung out by the pool. It was relaxing and an excellent way to spend a Sunday.

I had a really great weekend. I'm so grateful for the wonderful people in my life. After an incredibly crappy week, I'm glad it is over and that it ended on a positive note. Now it is Monday and I get a fresh start. Let's hope this week improves!

Sister follow-up

I had a wonderful conversation with my sister yesterday. Here I am using the term 'conversation' loosely because we pretty much cried the entire time. All in all she is doing pretty well. She said that she was scared and wished that she had said something to me or my mom sooner. That she is going to try and get better and finally put this behind her.

I told her that I loved her and that I had this horrible guilt because I would have been in the house when this happened and I wish that I could have done something. Her whole life could have been different and I wish I had known something was wrong. We spent so much time fighting and at each others throats growing up that I didn't even know something like this was bothering her.

She said that she loved me and that she hoped that I knew that. That she looked up to me more than anything (queue the fricken water works!) and thought I was an amazing big sister. ::sob:: And that she hopes now that we can both help each other through our tough times. My baby sister is finally growing up...

At the end of our chat we talked about taking a small trip together (just maybe we'll let our men tag along) just to get away.

Thank you in advance for any positive thoughts you can send my sisters way. I'm very proud of her and hope this means she can start a new chapter.

This week cannot possibly get any worse.

I had a class this morning, so I took the day off. My mom called while I was on my way home and asked me to call her when I got there. That can't be good, right?

When I called she tells me she needs to talk to me about my sister. My first thought? I bet you can guess - I thought she must be pregnant and my mom is breaking the news to me. No, that isn't it, but now I wish it was.

I'm going to back up for a moment... My sister, for as long as I can remember, has always been anxious and emotional. Afraid of tests, confrontation, for the longest time she wouldn't even call and order pizza. She's been much more emotional lately and my mom finally sat her down and said enough - out with it.

This is the hard part... my mom learned that my baby sister has been abused. I am not really prepared to talk about more of the details right now, but I will say it was not by an adult, and it was not someone in my family. My mom is obviously devastated and other than getting my sister into counseling (which she starts today thankfully), isn't sure what to do. She just wanted me to know.

What can I possibly do? She doesn't even know that I know. I feel awful that I couldn't protect her. This one event has shaped her whole life. My sister is 20 and still has not graduated from high school. She was too anxious to take tests in high school or even ask for help. She ended up in an alternative high school completion course where she did very well, but couldn't get herself to take the final exam and get her diploma. Would things have been different in her life had this not happened to her? There are no guarantees of course, but I'm confident that it would have been.

My heart is broken and I don't know what to do. Do I reach out to her? Do I let her come to me? I'm scared for her, but grateful she is getting the help she needs. I cannot imagine what she is going through. Mostly I wish I could go back in time and save her from all of this.

Those few that I know IRL that may read this, please don't say a thing. It may seem obvious, but I just wanted to get that out there. Thank you

Lost my shit in the restaurant.

TMI Warning

So, I changed my tampon before I left the house and then we were off to Costco. We were leaving Costco about an hour later and as we left I got the unmistakable feeling that I was going to have an 'accident'. Thankfully the restaurant where we were meeting our friends wasn't far. The whole way to the restaurant my lip is quivering and I can feeling my emotions building up. Isn't it bad enough my period had to show up? Why must I be practically bleeding out?

We get to the restaurant, I set my stuff on the table and haul it to the restroom. I get into the first stall and fought with a door that wouldn't freaking shut. I hop over to the next stall and start to do my thing. Before I can get my pants down my pedometer (for a work challenge) flies off my hip and straight into the toilet!

FRICK!

I snatch it out an immediate stare at my hand like OMGWHATDIDYOUDO?! That is a public TOILET for petesake! The damage was done, so I set it on the shelf thingy and carried on. What do I do next you ask? Sat down and proceeded to drop my tampon in the toilet. Seriously!? Can't a girl catch a break?

By the time I scrubbed my pedometer (which amazingly still works even though I scrubbed it with soap and water) and my hands for 10 minutes, J was wondering what was taking me so long. As soon as I sat down and he asked if everything was okay, I lost it. In the middle of the damn restaurant. 'I... I... I dropped my pedometer in the t-t-t-toilet and my pants are stained.' He was so sweet and kept rubbing my back while I tried to lay low and not make a scene.

Let's get one thing clear - I am NOT a cute crier. There is red splotchy face, bloodshot eyes, and even my lips get puffy and red. Not. Cute. THANK GOODNESS our friends were late and I could compose myself.

If nothing else, I'm improving my IF grief efficiency. I think I probably managed to make it through all 7 stages of grief in one single day.

Stupid Daydreaming...

Why do I allow myself to do it? (I have gotten to the point where I no longer dream about nursery planning or names, but only because my mind functionally cannot work past the getting pregnant part first.)

Why did I allow myself to dream about the ways I would wake up my husband and tell him that he's going to be a father?

About how I'd stay and have breakfast with him, in bed, and go in late to work?

About being one of the lucky IF'ers I've heard about this month?

About calling the doctor and getting a blood test and beta's checked? (I have sexy daydreams, no?)

Calling my friend and saying 'Good morning Auntie!'


Fuck this game. It sucks.

BFN.

Things go from bad to worse
You'd think they can't get worse than that
And then they do

Thank you Rodney Atkins for the quote above.

I woke up in the wee hours (because I always get up in the middle of the night to pee) and since it was too close to my wake up time, I tested. Results? AF. Yup, as soon as I peed in the damn cup and wiped, I saw red. frickengoshdarnmothereffingstupidperiod! So as is probably obvious by now, my results of said pee test were a big fat negative.

Have I cried? Nope. Before I left I went back and laid on the bed as J was waking up and told him. He rubbed my back and told me all the things he's supposed to. 'At least you ovulated.' 'If you think about it, now that you're finally ovulating, we're really only just getting started.' That last one sucked. I know he didn't mean it that way, but UGGGGGH. JUST GETTING STARTED!? I'm not sure I like that... at all.

Thank you to all of you who were thinking your positive thoughts and saying your prayers for us this month. I appreciate it more than you know. I hope that soon I will get all of those prayers answered.

But as the aforementioned Rodney Atkins says:

If you're going through hell
Keep on going, don't slow down
If you're scared, don't show it
You might get out
Before the devil even knows you're there

Wasn't that a beauty of a song to listen to right as I started the car this morning? I thought it was fitting. In fact the whole set of lyrics was pretty fitting.

T-Minus 2 Days

And counting...

Wednesday morning is D-Day: CD29. Wednesday I would be one day 'late' and I promised myself I wouldn't count DPO's and test 'early'. Two more days...

I'm not feeling particularly confident. I'm not sure if it is a product of being burned over and over, or if it is just a vibe, but I'm trying to remain positive. Other than being exhausted, my boobs are killing me again. This has been a typical PMS symptom for me the last few months. My exhaustion I know is a result of my non-stop weekend. Rationally I know that at this point I wouldn't feel any different than a normal month. I just keep wishing and searching for some sign. Something to tell me not to give up hope. Not to dampen my spirits so it will hurt a little less if it doesn't work out. That I have no reason to believe I will need to come into work Wednesday morning with red puffy eyes. (Who am I kidding, if that pee stick has two lines, I will probably cry harder than if it doesn't!)

So, I'll keep searching and remaining positive. Keeping myself busy until Wednesday morning arrives. If you've got a spare set of fingers, I wouldn't mind a bit if you kept 'em crossed for me.

Why do bad things happen to the best of people?

A former coworker, and friend, got some bad news yesterday. Her breast cancer is back. This is the third time…

She is taking today to get her thoughts and ‘stuff’ together and tomorrow she starts an aggressive treatment. And if she calls it aggressive after all she’s been through, I cannot even begin to imagine.

She is such an amazing person. She is what I would call a quiet force. She doesn’t over-share, or talk endlessly (like me), but she listens and is empathetic. Our team never even knew she was going through treatment last time because she set herself aside and focused on their (menial) problems instead. She could have her world falling apart and she would still ask you how your day was going and listen while you complained about your dog keeping you up all night. That’s just the kind of lady she is.

When she left our company to move across the state with her family, I cried. So did she. She was really the only person I relied on here. I knew I could always talk to her and she would give me advice. She mentored me and encouraged me. She always knew if something was off. She was my peer, but almost my ‘work mom’. I did, and still do, look up to her. If I can be half as good a person as she is, I will consider myself and those around me lucky.

If you can, please send my friend your positive thoughts and prayers. She’s one of the good ones.

Sweet message from my SIL

I got an email from my sister-in-law yesterday. We're not particularly close, but when the subject line said something about her being nosy, I knew what she wanted to ask about.

Through a series of clicks she came across Rachel's blog. Specifically the article I mentioned yesterday. J told his brother late last year that we were trying and of course he shared that with his wife. Neither of them have ever said anything to us about it. Whether to avoid awkwardness or respect our privacy, I was okay with it.

Her email was very sweet. It said that she put 2-and-2 together and figured it was me Rachel was talking about. That if she was being too forward I was welcome to tell her to buttout. That she was excited about the recent progress and the prospect of J and I becoming parents and that (queue the water works) it would be one lucky baby to have us as parents. She said that she is looking forward to the day our niece has a little cousin and that if I ever needed to talk she was available.

I couldn’t even read it out loud to J without getting choked up. I had to pass him the laptop to read it for himself. It was really nice of her to reach out. Especially since we’re friendly, but we’ve never been extremely close.

I’m very blessed to have such a wonderful family. I too am hoping that my little niece will have a cousin sooner rather than later.

The Others

No, I'm not talking about The Others from Lost.

So often when discussing IF, you talk about the couple directly being impacted by the struggle. Sally's bum ladybits, or Joe's lazy swimmers, etc. My struggle to conceive a child impacts me a great deal, sure, but that's fairly obvious by now. What I haven't talked about too much is the impact I know it is having on everyone else. My Mom, who I know would just love to be a grandmother. My sister, who would most certainly be the 'Cool Aunt'. My grandmothers, who voice pretty consistently that they are not willing to settle on being Great Grandmothers to only our pups. My friends, who love and care for both J and I, as well as our yet-to-be-conceived babe.

It is those latter folks, the family-we-choose, that I want to chat about today. Those people, impacted directly with IF or not, that stand by your side, sometimes awkwardly. Unsure of what to say, and how or if to ask you about your latest appointment. Sometimes they say the right thing, sometimes they don't, but through it all they've stood by your side. I am incredibly lucky to have a couple of those in my life. One of them is Rachel. Today Rachel posted an entry on her blog, With Roots and Wings, talking about stifling her hope. It was this article that inspired me to write here today. I love her for being a realist when I need to hear it, and a cheerleader when I'm feeling blue, and mostly for loving me no matter how broken or jaded I am.

What I'm getting at is, take a moment to appreciate the Rachel in your life. As important as it is to address the stress and emotions we feel everyday, we don't want to take advantage of those pillars of strength we have in our lives. Taking a moment to acknowledge that this sucks a little bit for them too. That they feel a bit of our disappointment too. But most importantly, they help us carry our burden. They lift a little of that heavy weight from our shoulders.

I love you, Rachel. Thank you for just being you.