Sunday, July 24, 2011

This Shit Sucks.

This whole stupid process sucks.

One day you're picking out the crib your mom says she'd like to buy you as a gift. Two days later you're staring at your chart online wondering how on earth your betas could be cut in half in those same two days. You get that same cut-in-half feeling in your heart when you look up at your husband and tell him its officially over.

The same husband you've seen play with your niece and run around with your friends kids. Seen idolized by the neighbor boy. The same one that holds you now as your cry, while he holds back his own tears so that he can be strong for you.

It's not fair.

It sucks.

To hear the pity in the words of those that try to console you. To read the words of people with good intentions, but without the most vague understanding of what you're going through. Who's tone in their voice and written words sting more because you know they're trying to help, but really now you just feel more guilt that more people feel bad.

I do feel loved. Each of you that has reached out to us, the messages I've received about understanding what we're going through, the love and the prayers... Those do make a difference. Some break my heart because what we're going through is unfortunately common. I hate that so many others suffer too. I pray that Sprout is up there now looking after all of your babies yet to be born and coaching them from the stands.

I'm trying to take comfort in the fact we got pregnant at all. Trying to remind myself that Sprout wasn't healthy and this isn't a pregnancy or a child that would have been happy. That it isn't over for us and we can try again. And intellectually I understand all of those things. But it doesn't change the anger and the pain one bit.

All of this sucks.

The extra 4lbs I now have, of mostly bloat (I hope), and nothing to show for it.
My pizza face, which is now extra pizza like.
The cramping that started today.
Putting away the baby gift we received so that I don't have to see it sitting in what would have been the nursery.
Jeremy handing me the onesie I gave him the day we found out so that I can put it away too.
Telling our friends, who were so excited for us, that they're no longer going to be aunts and uncles.
Hearing my mom hold back her own tears so that she doesn't upset me further.
Going from celebrating with the other women you know that are also newly pregnant, to being scared of what it will be like to watch their healthy children grow and be born.
Putting away the sketches I'd made of nursery plans.
Not knowing what to do with the books on pregnancy I've been given. Do I keep them for 'someday' or give them back?
Looking at the anniversary card J gave me on Tuesday. The one addressed to Sweetpea +1. The same one where inside he wrote how excited he was to have our baby.
Being scared of what miscarrying will be like.
Thinking of how I will explain this to my boss.
Starting over.

I'm pissed and my heart is broken. I'm torn between wanting to give up for fear of ever having to feel this way again and not wanting to let whatever force in the universe it is that causes this pain win. But why me? What the hell did I do to deserve this shit? What did J do to have to suffer through all of this? Why us? Isn't there some crack head or woman on welfare that already has 14 kids you can pick on? We're good people. After 10 years we're closer than we've ever been and still madly in love. And even after only 7 weeks we loved our baby.

15 comments:

  1. I know. I know. The next week is going to suck. The next month is. The next few months probably. But I can tell you this: I've been there three times, and eventually, the pain does lessen. It never quite goes away but it gets better and easier. Just make sure to let yourself grieve as much as you need to. Physically, it's going to feel like the worst AF you've ever had so make sure to have a heating pad and painkillers ready. If the bleeding gets heavy and you start to feel lightheaded get your butt to a doctor. But in general, just get through these next couple of weeks and things will get better, I promise. Email me if you need any words of wisdom, or chocolate, or anything. Huge hugs!

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  2. :( I have no words to advice, but know that I'm thinking of you. My heart is breaking for you and J. ((HUGS))

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  3. Hi- found your blog through ICLW. I have no words and no advice, just thoughts and prayers for you and your husband during this time.

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  4. WTF? I haven't been here since my last post, and I am flabbergasted right now. I can NOT believe this is happening, and I'm balling as I read your post. This shit DOES suck......and that is a gigantic understatement. :-( Virtual HUGS bigtime.

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  5. I am so sorry that you are going through this! Thinking of you both.

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  6. I'm so sorry for your loss. I've not experienced this sort of loss (although, I was just telling my husband today that I'd willing go through it just to know that I could at least get pregnant. Horrible, I know! But also true.)
    Many hugs and positive thoughts for you and your husband.
    (ICLW)

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  7. I hurt for you, reading this. I don't understand it, either. I'm not about to try to make you feel better because nothing would be able to do that right now. You have the right to grieve and the right to be just plain pissed off because it doesn't make sense, it's not fair and it does suck.

    You are always in my prayers.

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  8. You are right. Nothing can take the pain away right now. The whole situation is unfair and sad and it sucks. You two do not deserve this. None of us do. Please dont give up though :) You will find the strength and hope again to continue fighting this fight! I remember being so devastated after we miscarried and it was so hard for me to even look forward to the future for anything! But I learned to adjust. And now we are doing IVF. The only thing we can do is know that our babies that were taken too soon are growing and happy in Heaven and we'll see them again someday. You guys will get pregnant again one way or another, I just feel it :) Sorry for the rambling post, but I get all worked up because I know how painful this is. Hang in there girl...

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  9. It's B.S. Period.

    Mad for you.

    Joey
    http://thechildlessmom.blogspot.com

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  10. I am crying right now for you, I went through all the emotions you are right now not very long ago. I wish I could say something to make you feel better but there is nothing. Lots of {{Hugs}} being sent your way.

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  11. I am still so very sorry. I wish I could do something or say something. But I know this is something you have to work through on your own. I can't imagine the feeling of losing something you have longed for, for so long. You are in my thoughts and I pray that you can find peace and a way to move forward.

    Loves, MissConception

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  12. I am so so sorry. I know the pain of a loss and you are right, it sucks! It sucks so much worse when you have been waiting and fighting so hard to have it. Take the time you need to grieve and I will be thinking about you and praying for you. xo

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  13. I think that anyone who hasn't gone through a loss like this can only by sympathetic.

    I've had a miscarraige (at about the same time along) so I can relate on that level, but each experience is different.

    it's truly heartbreaking to read your story, and I wish you peace in the following months as you integrate this experience into your memories.

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