Positive Spin

I figured since I have secured my shitastic Monday under my oversized belt, I should continue with my rollercoaster posting and go for something positive today. Sound like a plan? K, good.

I learned a little lesson yesterday.

First, J and I had this great talk last night (and the past few days) about cycles, ovulation, timing, OPK's and how they work (trying these next month I think..), implantation, etc. The nice thing was that we could just chat and he was actually speaking the language right with me! I am very lucky to have a husband that is actively involved and by my side the whole way. If we'd conceived right away neither of us would have any idea, or at least much less of an idea, of the logistics of how this whole mess works. Mostly, we would have had slightly less appreciation for the miracle we were blessed with. We knew when we started TTC that we were ready. Now that we've been at it awhile (literally and metaphorically speaking of course), we've had plenty of opportunity to get frustrated and call it quits - but we haven't. We know what we want, and I'm more confident than ever that we're ready.

Second, I am learning so much about my body, myself, and of course - babies. Especially babies. I am literally surrounded by pregnant women or moms and their freshly hatched spawn. I am in this state of constant baby-knowledge-osmosis. My involvement in BOTB has taught me more than I ever thought I would need to know. Of course there will be things I will never fully understand until I have the luxury of experience, but at least I have a heads up. And because I'm an overachieving, brownnosing, kissasssuckup - I've been taking notes. Oh yes. I have documents saved with products that rock (ones to avoid too!), websites linked, tips to keep in mind. For example, if I ever have trouble breast feeding, I practically have a grocery list already made of things that I can try to help. Because no one knows IRL (with the exception of a select few - read: Me, DH, and two of my girlfriends) that we are TTC, I have had to catch myself in conversations with my mom/mom-to-be friends. They start to give me the side eye because I know more than I should. Yes, I know, I get it, I need a life. I'm working on it!

The learning about my body and myself part goes without much need for elaboration. Any new adventure is an opportunity to learn about yourself. I only regret that I didn't find this information to be more valuable sooner. Honestly, I think all girls of pubescent age should be required to read Taking Charge or Your Fertility or a similar book, not to conceive as a teen or anything, but to ACTUALLY know how your body works. Not the dumbed down, inaccurate version you learn in school. We've created a herd of misinformed youth. And with their tendency towards curiosity and experimentation, we've cut off our nose to spite our face.

Nothing on the actual TTC front to report. There is still the ever slim possibility that I O'd on CD13/14 if I disregard the crazy high temps (where I slept in on CD5 and 6). I'm not holding my breath. I am not confident in that at all actually. Even if I did, there aren't any guarantees that this is our month.

Mondays

With the power of 1000 suns, I fucking hate Monday's. Hate. Today was shit.

Systems were down this morning. That means LOTS of unhappy customers. Who do unhappy customers want to talk to? 'YOUR MANANGER!' Yeah, that's me. I did my fair share of ass kissing this morning.

Not long after things were up and running did I talk to this Peach. She was upset because of some requirements we have established for the particular request she was making. Without giving away what I do for a living, let's just say there are damn good reasons for these requirements (read: common sense security measures). I couldn't get her off my phone for almost 45 minutes. Loverly.

All this was topped with a couple of meetings, a really busy phone day, and almost not getting out on time. The day before the last day of the month is NOT the day we want our teams stats to hit the shitter.

It was probably good that R couldn't make our lunch date (which I am still bummed about!) because I totally wouldn't have had the time.

Oh, and that brings me to my final rant - HOW IN THE HELL IS JUNE ALMOST OVER?! Craziness.

Third post in an hour and a half. Can't be good, right?

It isn't horrible I suppose. But, I forgot to mention in the shitfest that was my day yesterday, I learned that my BIL is trying to join the Navy. I am having very mixed emotions over this. I am sure they are very similar to the things that all people think when a loved one goes into the service. I'm proud that he wants to make something of himself and serve his country. I'm upset that he would be moving away (along with my nieces and nephews). The potential for him to be sent to war is good... you know, all the typical stuff.

I am a little concerned that he is grasping at straws however. He's been frustrated with his job search (a WHOLE THREE WEEKS!) and worried that he isn't qualified enough for anything out there. He is 25, a newlywed, father of a 2 month old, stepfather to 4 and 5 year old boys. He has not worked out or done any sort of physical fitnes in... well at least the 8+ years I've known him. He would be joining and working with 18/19 year olds with no responsibilities fresh out of high school and typically in decent shape (I get this is a generalization and not 100% accurate). He does have a new baby and this will require him to be away quite a bit...

I'm not saying that I don't want him to join. I just worry that his lack of thinking things through is striking again. I mean, the guy has one quarter left of school (two classes) and hasn't finished. Just one example of his stellar follow through.

J talked with him for quite awhile last night. J's best man was in the navy (left the navy as a seal). He gave him his friends number and said to call and talk to him. He could give him some realistic expectations and help him make his decision.

I'm not sure which way I hope he goes. So long as he does his research and makes an educated decision that is right for him and his family, I will be happy for him. We will just have to wait and see!

A Rough Week

Yesterday I was really busy at work. I only had a few minutes here and there to try and get things done. I took a couple to vent on BOTB and then ran off again. I did this because usually I can word-vomit it out there, feel better, and move on. But, I didn't feel better. My day got busier and I kept thinking about my uncle and friends nephew feeling bad that there was nothing I could do for them. (Note in case you didn't see my post - I found out Tuesday that my uncle has colon cancer and the nephew of some good friends of ours has leukemia - he is 8 years old.)

Fast forward a few hours. I am at home with J and my mom calls me crying. She tells me that our good family friend, Jay, has pancreatic cancer. It has already spread quite agressively and they are guessing he has just a few months left. I bawled. Is it terrible that I felt more for my childhood neighbor than my uncle? My uncle and I were never that close and Jay and I have had a relationship all my life.

Jay and my grandpa were great friends. When my grandpa passed I think my mom found comfort that Jay was still here and lived right next door. She found a bit of her dad in him. She babysat Jay's children (his son passed away about a year ago and he has a daughter in CA) and his daughter baby sat me when I was little.

Jay was a lot of things for me. When my parents were divorced (I was 8) he was a good strong male role model for me. He gave me my first job - it may have been pine cones for a penny a piece, but his yard was loaded with them and I was there every day after school. When I was 10, he taught me to drive. Not just driving, but how to change a tire, how to check the oil. And not just to drive any car, but his mint condition 1964 baby blue Chevy Impala. He played basketball in our cul-de-sac for hours, teaching me to play Horse. Jay and his son taught me to throw a frisbee and my first spiral. I swung on my first hammock in his backyard. He gave me a collectors addition set of oringal Crayola crayons and his classic authenic Chicago Bulls jacket.

So many of my good childhood memories involve him and his family in some way. Essentially he is my family. He helped to mold a lot of who I am today.

What makes me feel worse is that since I moved about 30 minutes away (4 years ago) I have barely seen him. It is a quick hello as I come to visit my mom and grandma. I hope that he knows how much he means to me. I hope that I have the opportunity to tell him.

She's right.

I'm fairly confident that Buckin is right (see comment below). I'm not sure now that I ovulated. Especially when I compare my last three temps to previous temps. On average they really aren't any higher. The only reason I keep mentioning tossing the two temps from the 13th and 14th is that they were taken 3 1/2 hours later in the morning than I usually temp (hense the open cirlces). But still, I am just going to see how this month pans out.

We'll just keep humpin' like bunnies with our fingers crossed. Just like we always do.

Chart Obsession (Round 974)

Although not as high as yesterday morning, the temp stayed up! The funny part is that if I remove the two really wonky temps (cd 5-6) I get tentative crosshairs on cd9. Even though that would be really early, it would make sense if I hadn't had the lower temps on cd13-14.

Now, if tomorrow's stays up and I continue to throw out cd5&6 I get tentative crosshairs on cd14. This scenerio makes much more sense. Now, the question is, do I throw out cd5&6 for good, or just leave them there and see how it shapes up?

Oh it is going to be a long couple of weeks for my obsessive compulsive self.

Hey good lookin'!

Yes, I actually said that to my chart after pluggin in this mornings temp. If I delete those two crazy temps (cd13-14 I believe) and if my temp stays highish tomorrow, I think I may... shoot I don't want to jinx it.... so don't tell the chart gods... I may HAVE CROSS HAIRS!

WOOT!

Oooh, please let this be true. Pretty please!

Sewing!

So, my MIL is letting me borrow her sewing machine. I've always wanted to teach myself to sew again (I kicked ass in middle/high school home-ec!). Now I get to practice. I have some easy hemming to do and I am going to start looking at some other projects. Perhaps I won't have to buy pricey new valences/drapes...

I will definitely post pictures of any projects if I get ambitious!

YAY!

Ovulation?

Well, there was a dip in my chart yesterday! Even with my crappy chart, it was still a dip. My temp was still low, but slightly higher, this morning too.

Last night on two seperate occassions I felt this twinge/cramp on my lower left. Only one other time since the start of this process have I felt this (but I noted it being on the right side). It's possible that I have ovulated. Crappy chart or not, maybe I'm not broken? Maybe we've just had 9 months of bad timing? (If you knew me, and my shitty luck, this would not surprise you.)

If I did in fact ovulate, we had pretty good timing sexwise. Hmmm... At this point, who knows! But, it'll be a long two weeks while we wait to find out!

Baby Shower

R's baby shower is only a few weeks away! We miraculously don't have plans today, so I've decided to put in some work on the shower. LOVE shopping for baby things, and what better excuse than planning silly baby shower games?!

I've got almost all of her gift put together too. But, because she frequents this blog, you get NO details! I will have to share later.

Oh, I just love a good project! Happy Saturday!

7 Minutes

This is how long it took for my thermometer to read my temp this morning before I just quit and shut the damn thing off. I don't have any idea of how long it would have gone on.

How crazy is that?! Now i have no idea if this temp will be accurate. It spent a good long time on 96.5 and I thought it would be beeping any second and then '96.7' popped up. I layed there forever until I just said fuck it and shut it off.

Why can't this process be going just a tiny bit smoother? I am the worlds worst charter, I swear.

Silver Lining

Today I am in kind of a sunshineupmyass kind of mood. I am tired, but maybe my delirium has a positive side affect?

I realized last night while J woke me up to spend some 'quality time' together, while I will spare you the lovely details, that I should appreciate this time more. Whenever we are blessed with having a child I know these moments will be fewer and further between. Whether it be morning sickness, my own insecurity from feeling huge, exhaustion, recovery from labor, or the inevitable child, there won't be many nights that I will be okay with rolling over and giving in.

So, while we haven't made it to the championship game yet, I should take advantage of these moments and get plenty of practice in while I can.

Shut it you evil beast!

As some of you may or may not be aware, J and I were in serious puppy debate last week. A lady we knew (friend of a coworker actually...) was GIVING AWAY chocolate lab puppies. Well, we should have listened to the age old saying 'shit or get off the pot' because we missed our chance. All the puppies were adopted in 3-4 days. There were 16 in the litter!

However, I believe someone in our neighborhood did get a puppy last week. Why do I think this? Because said puppy has be howling. Like full-moon, I'm a warewolf, howling. It started at about 6ish yesterday evening and when I woke up at about 1:30 this morning it was at it again. It was all I could do not to march my half naked self up to the bedroom window and give that pup the whatfor. Then I remembered that it isn't the poor puppies fault. Its ignorant, insensitive, thoughtless, parents should bring the damn dog inside. Poor thing.

Maybe it would be happier living at my house? Who wants to go puppy-napping with me?

5 Questions

Game time!

My dear e-friend Rotty played a game on her blog called 5 Questions. She asked me five random questions and I am to answer them here. If you feel like playing along, leave me a comment and I will ask you five questions and the whole mess of shenanigans can continue, mmkay?

Here it goes:

1) if you could dispose of one celebrity to never be seen or heard from again, who would it be? and why? The one celebrity I cannot stand is 'Speidi'. Okay, they are technically two people (Heidi and Spencer Pratt), but they each only have half a brain, and that's being generous, so together they shouldn't count as any more than one person. They just drive me nuts. They are just like every other famousfornogooddamnreason people out there. Go away and do something productive with your life!

2) what movie can make you cry no matter how often you watch it? Marley and Me and The Notebook. Every. Damn. Time.

3) if you could be 1 animal for a day, what would you be? It isn't very original, but I think I'd be a large bird of some kind. Flying around sounds like fun. Or a dolphin. I love the water and doing tricks and swimming around would be fun too!

4) coffee, tea, or other? whats your morning drink of choice? In the morning I usually drink milk. I sadly had to give up the coffee about a year and a half ago. It doesn't agree with my tummy. I only have it occassionally now. I do love tea, especially oolong (Chinese) tea. Yumm.

5) what is your favorite time of year? spring, summer, winter, fall? why? It is almost a tie between summer and winter. I'm not a big fan of the cloudy/rainy spring and fall. I love winter because I like to snowboard. It means the holiday season and spending time with my family. But, summer takes the cake. The days are long and the sun just brings out a better mood. There is camping and cook outs. My anniversary and birthday are both in the summer. We typically travel in the summer. The only thing about summer I would change? I wish that I could have summer vacation like in my school days.

There you have it, a little bit more about me. Go ahead and take your turn!

PCOS?

Oh yes, because I definitely needed to further my journey into paranoia.

R, although I love her, kind of got me freaked out about PCOS. She started asking me about these symptoms. Which, of course, if you research anything you will say 'I HAVE THAT!' to just about 90% of the symptoms. Go ahead, pick something - look up the symptoms, and report back. I'll wait.... am I right?

PCOS symptoms include, but are not limited to, acne (need I remind you that you could call me pizza face recently? I won't horrify you will the stories of the backne ::shudder::), hairiness (while this is not typically an issue I have begun over examining every extra follicle 'J, does it look like I have a mustache to you? it does to me...'), dandruff (WTF?!), and erratic temps (see last months award winning shit-tastic chart). While the chances are that all is well, I've been keeping this in the back of my mind. There isn't shit I can do about it but keep charting and bring these along with me at the end of the year if we still have no success. Ugh... the thought of still having no success by the end of 2009 is a sucky thought.

Any thoughts out there from the ladies that have been diagnosed with this? What was your first clue? Did you just go months with no success and then go in to be checked out?

Damn my obsessive compulsive curiousity. Damn it all to hell.

Baby Steps

Not literally baby steps, but that is how we are going to continue our TTC journey. I got a new thermometer last week, and although the temps got a little nutty for a day or two (I slept in - my bad!), overall it appears much more consistant.

We briefly discussed doing OPK's too this month, but we've decided to wait until at least next month. We're going to really give charting a go and see how that pans out. I'm really hoping for crosshairs this month. Lofty goal considering my crazy cycle past and being that it this is my first full month charting, but hey, gotta work towards something!

New Thermometer

I finally got a new thermometer and you can see the difference in my temps. They look my more realistic to me now than what I was getting with the old thermometer. I know I shouldn't switch mid-cycle, but I figured I was just at the tail end of AF, so whatever.

Here's to another month.

On the hunt for a new look.

I have been searching for a new layout. I will have to try and get more creative tonight. My capacity is a wee bit limited while I'm at work. I like green, but this may be a bit much... hmmm...

Oh, did you see my new ticker at the bottom? I'm going to keep up my focus.

**EDIT** Okay, I've landed here for now. Ignore the quality of the header for a bit because my work computer sucks. The high quality image will be done tonight when I get home. Although, I've just been introduced to some cool new template sites, so it might go out the window all together!

Last vent and then I promise, I'm over it.

I think one thing in particular that is salting my wounds (that I forgot to mention in the word-vomit that was yesterday's post...) is that Father's Day is in two weeks. I really wanted to celebrate this year. Especially since I thought it would be a nice consolation prize, considering if we'd been lucky enough to be successful in our first month of trying, I would be due any time now.

What I realized was similar thoughts have been true almost each month. There is always something. Like last year J and I went to the pumpkin patch with my BIL and nephews. We were in the car on our way home and shared a giggle that it may be our last pumpkin patch visit (we go every year) without a wee one. Well... that cut off has come and gone. So has Thanksgiving, Christmas, a shot at a 2009 baby, valentines day... you get the drift.

I just cannot imagine how these milestones come and go for the poor families that have lost babies. My heart breaks for you.

Now, I promised this would be my last vent about it and I intend to do my best to 'get over it'. To buck up, take a deep breath, and try again next month.

Thanks again to those ladies that have talked me off the ledge. You are all amazing and I can't imagine having to go through this without everything I have learned from each of you. If I could get my hands on you I would cover you in hugs and kisses.

CD1

I'm calling it - tomorrow will be CD1. Spotty today, but she's starting to put her foot through the door.

Another month bites the dust.

I swear, sometimes I just want to quit. I want to say screw it all, I don't want to be a parent.

Flame me if you wish. I will live my life selfishly. I will love my husband daily. I will travel. I will build my dream house much sooner than we plan. We will own nice things and come and go as we please. We will never have to worry about being responsible for someone else.

Sometimes this process just makes me so angry. The lack of answers. The fact that the cosmos can so harshly deny such a strong desire.

I think all of these things and then I remember my husband. He brings me right back, like always. If anyone was ever meant to be a father, it is J. He is so patient and kind. For Christ sake he puts up with me daily - that deserves sainthood! He's an unwavering teacher. Our friends kids and his nephews adore him. He reminds me that all I've ever wanted is a family. He is so loving and always puts me and our family first. He isn't selfish, in fact sometimes I feel selfish with how often he supports me. He would do anything for a friend and never expect anything in return.

I've always struggled to answer the 'what do you want to be when you grow up?' question because I've always known that I wanted to be a wife and a mother. But when you're young that isn't the socially acceptable answer. Well, now it is and damn it I have to jump through hoops.

I hope and pray that when our day comes, these trials will have taught me patience. Patience and appreciation for the important things in my life. For now I will appreciate J and keep wishing on the stars that someday our family of two will be a family of three.

Since J is not here tonight, I'm going to snuggle up with my overly emotional self and finish watching The Notebook. Thankful that I already have my Noah.

Exhaustion

Well, I'm fairly certain AF will be knocking on my door with her bags in hand any time now. Not only have I been cranky and overly emotional (my poor husband...), but I am TIRED.

I slept about 9 hours last night. I woke up this morning and was only awake for a couple hours before I had my first nap of the day. J watched an entire movie while I slept on him. I was so cozy, I didn't want to get up. But, I was a good wife and dusted myself off, made us lunch, and did some grocery shopping. I wasn't back home for more than 30 minutes before nap #2. J dozed with me this time. It was a nice lazy day. I think I needed that after the busy couple weeks we've had.

It is now just after 8:30 and I am already laying down, about to hit the hay for the night. 4:00am come early folks and that alarm is a bitch.

Just as I suspected.

Negative.

Even after taking the 923409858 test, why does it still sting to tell your husband that it was negative?

Thank you for the brownie flavored juju, nlvaden. Brownies are my fav!

Testing Tomorrow

Tomorrow morning will be cycle day 31. (could be 32, the exact start day is a bit iffy based on my crappy last period) Honestly, I'm not anticipating a positive result based on my crazy chart. I don't 'feel' anything. Except very cranky, but that's a fairly common PMS symptom for me.

If you're feeling so inclined, say a little prayer, send us your positive juju, cross your fingers - you pick your favorite flavor.

Now, I'm off to enjoy a date night with the hubs. Later!

Chubby Check-In

I'm sorry for forgetting last week! Unfortunately there isn't much to report. Measurements and weight has stayed pretty much the same. We've been so busy, and I hurt my wrist rollerblading, so I've been slacking in the activity department. I did a lot of walking/hiking when we were camping. Good thing too because I ate horribly. Not to mention the tasty adult beverage I partook in.

Anywho. I am definitely getting back on track. I will hopefully have more to report in the coming weeks. Feel free to drop by and give me a swift kick in the ass. I need it!

Friday.

Dear precious sweet Friday!

It's been a long week. A long couple of weeks for that matter. I apologize in advance for not bringing anything witty or exciting recently. I think I need a good solid 24 hours of sleep and I can get back in the game.

TGIF!

FF Wisdom

After adding my temp this morning, FF felt it necessary to share this little knowledge-bomb.

Why are my temperatures fluctuating so much?
When temperatures fluctuate a great deal, it is usually due to inconsistencies in temperature taking methods. Make sure you are taking your temperature at the same time every day, when you first wake up, after a solid block of sleep, and with a BBT thermometer. If you are doing all this and are still getting rocky temperatures, you can try taking your temperature vaginally. Some women notice more stable temperatures when taking their temperature vaginally.
Temperatures can also fluctuate a great deal when you are not ovulating, or when you have delayed ovulation. If you are taking your temperatures accurately and are still having large temperature fluctuations and no clear ovulation pattern, then this might be the case.

1) I have no earthly desire to stick my therm up my vag.
2) I suspected all along I am not ovulating. This may be my evidence.
3) I'm buying a new thermometer next cycle to be sure.

Oh, and I've got to go back to the dentist today for a filling. Oh the joys of my life.

TGI... damn it's only Thursday.

Beautiful Evening

It has been a BEAUTIFUL week. Warm, sunny and I can't get enough. Today was about 90! (definitely not common in the NW in June!)

J came home after visiting his dad (who just got home from having surgery) and he was riding his dad's Harley. J does have his own bike. A bike that he, on most days and especially if the weather if favorable, I'm certain he loves more than me. But, he felt like giving the Harley a spin.

After I finished washing my car, he took me for a ride! We drove around the lake and ate at one of our favorite restaurants in our little lake town. We sat out on the patio and ate a couple of delicious salads. We chatted about our days and basked in the evening sun.

After a long mostly-crappy day at work, it was just what the doctor ordered.

I am definitely ready for summer!

Feeling Blah.

Yesterday and today I have just been blah, for lack of a better descriptive word.

Last week was crazy busy and this weekend I didn't get to catch up on my sleep (Did I fail to mention that R and I had a garage sale??). I think it is all finally catching up to me. Yesterday morning I had these lofty plans to come home, make my husband a nice dinner just because I felt like it, get some chores done, and get to bed early. I accomplished none of that. I sat around, watched tv, couldn't take a nap to save my life. It was almost 8:00 and I still didn't have dinner. J ended up making something quick for us.

Today is no better. I'm having trouble getting motivated, my employees are bugging the crap out of me, and I just want a nap.

I need to snap out of it!

Negative.

Of course it was, but at least now I know for sure. I was going to wait for the morning, but I'm impatient.

Torturing myself - again.

Apparently I have a closet fetish for self torture that I never knew about until the TTC process.

In talking to a dear friend, this dawned on me late last night... It is possible that our previous months have been unsuccessful because I am one of those that O later than most. This I would not have known because I didn't chart before this month. So, it is entirely possible (although I do understand it is unlikely) that what I thought was a practically non-existant period last month, was actually implantation spotting.

Following me? Excellent.

This would mean the test I took immediately following said 'period' (to prove to DH that I wasn't infact KTFU) would of course have been negative because I had just been 'fertilized'.

So, since I am on approx. day 25 of this new cycle I think I will purchase tests this week just to be prepared. But now, because of the aforementioned self-torture I am so fond of, I'm wondering if I should take a test sooner. You know, just for shits and giggles? I am a pretty big fan of peeing on stuff...

PS. WHY oh WHY do otherwise perfectly sane women do this kind of shit to ourselves?! I think I need to be commited.