Monday, June 8, 2009


I'm calling it - tomorrow will be CD1. Spotty today, but she's starting to put her foot through the door.

Another month bites the dust.

I swear, sometimes I just want to quit. I want to say screw it all, I don't want to be a parent.

Flame me if you wish. I will live my life selfishly. I will love my husband daily. I will travel. I will build my dream house much sooner than we plan. We will own nice things and come and go as we please. We will never have to worry about being responsible for someone else.

Sometimes this process just makes me so angry. The lack of answers. The fact that the cosmos can so harshly deny such a strong desire.

I think all of these things and then I remember my husband. He brings me right back, like always. If anyone was ever meant to be a father, it is J. He is so patient and kind. For Christ sake he puts up with me daily - that deserves sainthood! He's an unwavering teacher. Our friends kids and his nephews adore him. He reminds me that all I've ever wanted is a family. He is so loving and always puts me and our family first. He isn't selfish, in fact sometimes I feel selfish with how often he supports me. He would do anything for a friend and never expect anything in return.

I've always struggled to answer the 'what do you want to be when you grow up?' question because I've always known that I wanted to be a wife and a mother. But when you're young that isn't the socially acceptable answer. Well, now it is and damn it I have to jump through hoops.

I hope and pray that when our day comes, these trials will have taught me patience. Patience and appreciation for the important things in my life. For now I will appreciate J and keep wishing on the stars that someday our family of two will be a family of three.

Since J is not here tonight, I'm going to snuggle up with my overly emotional self and finish watching The Notebook. Thankful that I already have my Noah.


  1. Oh sweetie. Who could flame you for that?! I go through that on a daily basis. People sometimes don't understand the PRESSURE we are under when we struggle to concieve. When we want to give up, we can't because its not just about US having a child but about our spouse who can do nothing but put up with us while we carry the burden of getting pregnant. I'm always here if you need to talk! I may not be much help because I do not have the answers but I do understand what you are going through!

  2. I understand all of what you say. I feel like that too.