BFN.

Still no AF, but no BFP either. Gotta love limbo land.

I tested this afternoon. I was so busy at work I didn't get a chance to pee before I left and held it all the way home (about another hour), so after about 5.5 hours I figured I had my 'ideal' peeing conditions. We'll continue to hold out hope since AF isn't here.

I have felt very 'off' all day today. I'm not certain that is a sign one way or the other, but I think something is coming. AF, BFP, or maybe a cold or something. Extra tired, cranky, and a sensitive tummy. Regardless, it is definitely my bed time.

Peace, Love, and Pee Sticks,
Mrs. S

How do I always manage to screw things up?

Especially simple things like peeing!?

As some of you may know, we have a puppy at home. Most night she does great and sleeps longer than we do. She's lazy and that fits perfectly with our lifestyle. lol. Well, last night at about 1:00 she was crying to go out. So, as I always do, I got up and let them outside. Since I typically get up at least once a night to pee, I multitask and while they're outside doing their thing, I go do mine. When I'm done they're back at the door ready to go back to bed. Last night was no different, I peed while they peed. Damn it! I was supposed to hold it until morning!!!

I didn't even think about it until my alarm went off at 3:50. (Yes, that's when I get up.) I barely had to pee at all! I tested anyway and of course - BFN. We'll see how this evening goes. If I have to hold it for any period of time perhaps I will try this evening. Otherwise - tomorrow morning, before we leave to go camping, I'll try again. Still no AF to speak of, so I'm trying to stay positive.

I manage to juggle prescriptions, injections, doctors appointments, emotional minefields, etc. But I cannot manage the simple task of holding my pee until morning. SHEESH!

My husband is fired.

I start work at an ungodly hour, so J typically calls at about 8:00 to say good morning. It's a sweet little 2-5 minute conversation and I look forward to it daily. With that being said, after our conversation today - He. Is. Fired.

I told him I needed to go by the store on my way home because I need to get a test. We were supposed to get one when we went grocery shopping and forgot. What was his response?

"I think you should wait to test until we get back from camping."

Peeps - that would be NEXT MONDAY. I'm fairly certain he was kidding. God I hope so.

He did say it would save me from any unnecessary disappointment. While I appreciate his thoughtful concern, I would DIE. Perhaps literally. I might start spontaneously peeing on actual sticks while we are in the woods.

Heart to Heart

I had a heart to heart, with myself, last night as I tried to go to sleep. I was exhausted, but my mind wouldn't settle down.

If I get a BFN tomorrow, I am going to be very sad. I am always sad when each cycle doesn't work out. But, what I lay in bed thinking about last night was my goals/to-do lists. I made two. One set if we get a BFP, and another if we don't.

BFN
1. I must get back to working out regularly. The gym sucks. I will never be a huge fan. However, I do really like how much better I feel when I'm getting more regular exercise and YOGA. Oh how I desperately miss my yoga.

2. Save money. We have had quite a few expenses come up this summer. Fixing up our kitchen and now waiting to find out what the dog is going to cost us are the two biggest ones. We still have a decent savings, but it isn't anywhere near where I'd like it to be. I need to get us back on a bit more of a conservative budget.

3. Get more focused on my healthy diet. Refocus on my carbs (I've slacked a bit) and begin planning better meals. We've gotten so busy that we're throwing things together on the fly. We've all been there and we know that it often means you don't eat what's best for you.

BFP
1. Cry

2. Gather myself for one more day of work before my extra long weekend.

3. See BFN's 1-3

4. Make an entirely different, much more complicated, to-do list.

What will be, will be. There isn't anything I can do to change it now. I just pray that this time it will be different. Please let this be our time.

The one where I over analyze everything.

I don't have any clue what to expect from this cycle. Typically I have a solid feeling one way or the other. I'm either very optimistic (that hasn't happened in awhile) or I just know it isn't our time yet. There is only the rare time where I started so early that I didn't have a chance to prepare any opinion. This cycle? I swing back and forth every 30 seconds or so and that is about how often I'm thinking about it.

My boobs are sore. Typically pregnancy symptom, but also something I usually have as a warning AF is on her way.

I'm 'crampy'. But, it isn't crampy in the traditional period cramp way. Twinges and mild discomfort might be a better way to describe it. Almost like light gas pains, but lower.

::YAWN:: I'm tired. But then again, I'm always tired. Especially since I had a bachelorette party to go to on Saturday.

Cranky Crankersons. Yesterday we got into an argument about arguing. Started out as a discussion regarding what to do with our dogs this weekend (we'll be camping and we're not sure exactly what to do with Harley). It was silly and I couldn't stop thinking about it as I was trying to go to sleep. Why was it such a big deal (at the time) to me?

Other than that I alternate between a calm 'what will be will be' attitude and glaring at the clock bidding it to move faster. Two more days and I'll finally test. I probably could test tomorrow at 12dpo, but I will give it until Wednesday anyway. I've already waited this long.

Now I'm just not sure what to think. Maybe I will focus on making a list of all that things that need doing at work and home so that I will be sufficiently distracted (yeah right) for the next two days.

::deep breath::

Almost there.

Test Results

So, I decided that since I couldn't pee on anything for a couple more days, I would get my questions answered the only other way I know how, the ever trusty, Magic 8 Ball.

And guess what?


Well, that settles it. I'm going to register and start decorating the nursery immediately. Because any sane person knows the Magic 8 ball doesn't lie!

Resisting Urges

Not those kinds of urges you perves.

This urges involves me pee.

Urges. Those tempting little voices in your head that try and trick you into doing something you know darn well you're not supposed to do. Especially when those things involve my urine. Especially when those urges are 5 days early.

Listen peeps, I told myself (again with the talking to myself... perhaps I should explore this...) I wouldn't test until CD28. Which happens to be the 28th. Next Wednesday. Because that would be the first day of my 'missed' (HA! Missed my as... nevermind) period.

Back to the voices. Now they're saying things like 'Lady, your cycle was only 22 days last month so technically you're already "late". Shut it little voice!

I hate being disappointed. So somewhere in there I know that I want to wait. Another part of me is really impatient. Shocking, I know.

It's probably a good thing I don't have a single pee stick in the house. Because I'm not sure I could resist. Actually buying one would require me getting out of the house, thus changing out of my sweats, and going to the store. Not sure if I could muster the courage.

How can a girl handle these dilemmas!?

I hate Veterinarians.

You heard me, I hate Veterinarians.

I mean why on God's green earth must they be so ungodly expensive?! I took Harley in to the vet to get his giant ass leg looked at. For him to tell me 1) stick a thermometer up Harley's butt and tell me his temp is normal 2)he didn't know what it was so he to do a needle aspiration - and it cost me $112. HOLY FRICK!

DogDoc called us at home after he'd had a chance to look at the slide of what he was able to get out of Harley's leg and he said he is almost certain it is just a fatty tumor. That means it won't kill him, but because of it's size (which can only be described as HUGE - imagine an egg shaped softball sizeish mass) it has got to come out. To the tune of $800 - $1500 buckaroos. HOLYMOTHEROFGOD. Youch. I think I'm having a heart attack. I want my mommy.

We have a good friend that is in vet medicine. We call her our doggy drug dealer. I am going to bring my itemized quote to her and she's going to see if anything on it can be opted out of. Otherwise she is going to check a couple of her clients and see about getting us a better deal. To say my fingers are crossed is an understatement.

Bottom line = My mutt is going to cost me a fortune = Double Frick.

Welcome July ICLW!

I cannot believe it is time for ICLW again! Wow this past month went fast.

This will be my second ICLW week and I am excited! I love reading all of the new blogs in the list and seeing all of the new comments and faces on my blog each day. ICLW has 'introduced' me to SO many more women that are on a similar journey. I am grateful for that feeling of community and a little less isolation.

Check out my 'Dates to Remember' section for a decent recap of our situation. You're also welcome to read June's ICLW Post.

Welcome to the blog if you're new around these parts. Come on in, say hello and stay awhile! And a big hello and hugs for those that are old pals. Happy ICLW!

Please Read This

A great article from the August issue of Self Magazine.

Article

Thanks for the heads up Jen!

The downturn...

This afternoon while I was in my picture hanging/decorating frenzy, I noticed a large pile of those silica beads on the carpet. WTF? Where the hell did those come from? I haven't bought anything with those little packets of the crap that keeps mosture out... So I get them all picked up and notice that our Lacey is nom noming away on the bag they come in. DAMN DOG! Which happens to be exactly what I yelled at her. So I basically shit and decide to call the vet who 'highly recommend' that I bring her in so they can make her vomit. Umm.... No. If vomiting is all they'll do, I can do that myself. Keep you $100 vet bill to yourself.

Thankfully before I gave her the hydrogen peroxide I did some research (God bless the internet). Basically it won't do anything to her unless she ate a lot of it. Based on the giant pile on the carpet and the smallish size of the bag that I took away from her, I'm not sure she got much, if any. In small amounts the most damage is dehydration because it wants to absorb her mosture. The cure is lots of water. I can do that! I'm so glad I did my reading before I put up with hours of vomiting. She's been absolutely fine with no signs at all that anything is abnormal. We'll keep an eye on her and take action if necessary.

Round II

A friend of ours was in town so we went out to dinner with them. When they dropped us at the house after dinner our friends wife noticed that Harley was walking weird. Not even weird enough for me to notice, but still. She asked if something was wrong with his leg. I get him to lay down and roll on his back and sure enough, the entire inside of his back left leg is huge. He's an 85lb lab, so he's a big dog, but I would say this mass is about the size of a softball. Except that it is oblong. And it is hard. Our friends wife happens to work with vets and is in vet medicine. She thinks there is a good chance it is a tumor.

Thankfully it is not causing him any pain and prodding it didn't upset him at all. In fact, he just looked like he enjoyed the attention. I called our vet, which of course is closed, and left a message to get an appointment tomorrow after work. It wouldn't be the first lump or growth he's had (all benign), but this is by far the largest. The biggest lump he's had before was smaller than a golf ball. I really hope that it turns out to be nothing.

So, my last day of vacation took a turn for the stressful. I hate it when stuff like this happens! If you have a moment I would appreciate some extra love for Harley. Thanks!

1WW

We're half way through the dreaded 2week wait. Thankfully this week has gone by pretty quick! It was filled with kitchen updates, a wedding out of town, and of course my anniversary. Plenty to keep me occupied. Lucky for me, week 2 of the 2WW will be filled with more of the same. I've got a busy week at work, a bridal shower and bachelorette party this weekend, and before you know it - we'll be ready for the end; whatever that may be. We're going on a kick ass camping trip near the coast for the last weekend in the month. That means we'll either be celebrating or doing what real campers do - drinking, to drown our sorrows. Let's just hope it's celebrating!

Nothing too exciting to report. I have been feeling a few twinges and light cramps in my ute area in the last day. Gas? Probably. I've also has more crazy CM. I'm trying not to be hyper sensitive to every little thing, but that's the only thing I can note that is different. Just going to continue to report it like I see (I mean feel...) it.

We had a very relaxed anniversary this year. We've been very busy lately and have a lot going on this summer, so we decided not to go away like we typically would. Instead I had the day off to do some relaxing and shopping. We went to a nice, and de-licious, dinner and came home to relax. Not too shabby for a Monday anniversary.

2 Years Ago Today

Two years ago this day I married my very best friend. It happened to be the day before our 7th anniversary. Our wedding day was amazing, for a number of reasons...

1) I planned every detail. I made our invitations, our centerpieces, bridesmaid bouquets, programs, favors, guest book (that still isn't done..), planned all the important songs, etc. etc. etc. (with some help from J and my MOH of course) I was extremely happy with the work we'd done and very proud to show it to our family and friends.

2) Pretty much our entire family was there. You know those invites you have to send out to that aunt or uncle you're not extremely close to, but they live 5 states away so you doubt they'd make the trip? They came. J's mom said it was the first time all of her siblings were in one place in years. I was honored that everyone made the sacrifices to come.

3)Our venue was AMAZING. We were married in the country and our reception was in the barn. Before you get images of us sharing our dinner with livestock, this 'barn' was built specifically for receptions and events. Not a single piece of hay to be seen. I mean look at it!Do you see that car? That's what we drove away in. See the upper doors? That's the balcony to the bridal suite. I love this place. On another piece of their property they grow Christmas trees. We get to go back every year and cut ours down. It's an excellent excuse to visit where we were married each year.

4) Last, but certainly not least, J. He showed up that day and married my pesky butt. For that single action (and for another reason or two I suppose...) I will love him unconditionally for the rest of my life and beyond. He is my very best friend. My number one supporter. My partner in crime.

Our wedding was the most amazing I have ever been too. I know I might be a little biased, but I truly believe it. We were original, it was fun, the food and cake were DELICIOUS, the venue was gorgeous, and I feel the day truly represented each of us. We didn't stick to traditional things (like the garter toss), but instead played the shoe and kissing games. Those are decisions I am SO happy we made because it turned just another wedding into something very representative of us as people. It took a LOT of work, but in the end it made all the difference in the world.

I am so grateful to have married such a wonderful man. A man who sticks up for me no matter what, but challenges me when he thinks I'm wrong or could do better for myself. Someone who is loyal and dedicated to our marriage and our family. He tells me like it is, but sprinkles in the occasional thing he knows I just want/need to hear. He puts up with my crap, and after the last two years of IF, that's a lot! We have so much fun together. We laugh daily. We hold hands in the grocery store. Every night we fall asleep snuggled together. He does the laundry, folks. I mean HELLO, he's a keeper. ;)

Happy Anniversary, J. Thank you for everything you do for me, us, our home, our family and future family, and mostly - just for being you. I love you more today than I ever thought possible.

Thankful Thursday

This week has given me a number of things to be grateful for.

1) Summer! Summer has finally arrived in the pacific northwest. I love summers here. I cannot get enough of being outside. This one will probably pop up on my TT posts for weeks!

2) We are DONE painting! The kitchen and dining room are painted! The wallpaper is no more. I could stand in the doorway and just stare at the walls. It is beautiful. Next is tile shopping. I love looking at tile and now I finally get to design the layout and actually buy it instead of window shopping. Almost done with the kitchen revamp project!

3) Getting to see what a big fatty follicle looks like on the monitor on Monday. As soon as the pictures from the dildo cam came to life on the screen I said 'WHOA! THAT is what they're supposed to look like!' I almost cried. When the doctor turned away to clean up, I looked at J and whispered 'I did it!' and he smiled and nodded like a kid. It was a great feeling.

4) The Harry Potter books. I'm a dork, but we've covered that previously, so let's just move on. I've got to reread the series before the first installment of the last movie (follow that?) comes out in November! They really are great books. Love!

5) OVULATION. Obviously that is the highlight of my week. I have had some cramping today. Not crippling or anything, but dang. It is funny that the shot is what I was most nervous about (especially after the soreness I had last time) and it's been the easiest part this week! My lower tummy is hard and tender. I think those follicles ruptured like fireworks in there today. If they were at 19ish mm on Monday and I am just ovulating today, that means they've grown another 1-2mm a day, for a total size of about 22-25mm! That is basically and INCH! Hot damn, that just seems giant...

This week I am grateful for the progress we've made in many areas of my life. From the minor, my kitchen; to my ute, which is much more emotionally satisfying. Tonight is dinner and a movie at our friends place. A night OFF. Just another something to be appreciative of. Good food and good friends. If I ignore the stress and generally crappiness at work then it has been a fantastic week thus far.

This weekend we're going to a wedding and next week is our anniversary! Nothing but good times ahead. Got to keep my butt busy for the next two weeks. Any fun weekend plans?

O-Day

Similar to D-Day, but... not.

I have never before had more of the 'classic' ovulation symptoms. Yesterday I was a royal CM mess and could feel very minor discomfort/twinges in my lady-bits region. This morning, almost exactly 36 hours later (which I didn't notice until it happened)I am having some mild cramping. Not the sucky/throbbing AF kind, but a bit sharper and more localized (if that makes any sense at all!).

Is this what it is like to be a function female member of our species!?

I'll take it!

Here we begin another round of the longest two weeks of my life. Thank god I have plenty to keep me busy or it wouldn't matter if I ovulated because I would have spontaneous combusted from the waiting. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting.

Oh, and sometime remind me of the HILARIOUS story of where I sent R a picture of my VERY clearly positive OPK and she nearly shit herself. SO. FUNNY.

Happy Friday-Eve! I'll 'see' you later for my next instalment of Thankful Thursday. Love ya!

Trigger Happy

I came home to this:

And did this:

It was the first time I'd ever given myself a shot and I'm happy to report it wasn't bad at all! I was REALLY nervous. But, I managed it! J was pretty bummed I wouldn't let him do it. So he manned the camera for benefit of you all! Now go ahead and tell me how privileged you feel for getting to see a little tummy chub... go ahead, don't be shy!

Thursday morning the alarms are getting set early and J and I will celebrate the 35 hours mark (just before 36 hours) with a good old fashion romp in the sack. Those of you on the east coast can just go ahead and toast us with your morning coffee, it'll probably be about 6am your time. lol

I finished all of my other chores (including the final touches on the main paint color in the kitchen! Tomorrow is the accent wall.) and now I'm going to spend an evening vegging on the sofa. Wouldn't want to distract those big ol' follies from doing their thing.

If the Magic 8 Ball says it's true...

Then it MUST be! lol

Midcycle Success

Best. Midcycle. Check.

Yup, that's right, I have growing thriving follies down there! Two, that are HUGE compared to any others I've ever had. Ever. Especially since it is only cd12. One on the left and one on the right.

I would like to take a moment of silence. ::moment::

Now: Double WOOT!!

Dr. Wrong (who I may have to admit already needs a new nickname) got right down to dildo cam business. Immediately we found a 18mm follicle on one side and 19ish on the other.

J and I chatted and decided that we wanted to do another timed-sex cycle instead of pursuing the IUI this cycle. It was important that we know that we did all we could to make this as 'natural' as possible. So, we're going it au-natural again this cycle.

We did decide that we were going to trigger again just to have a bit more control over timing. However, not a single pharmacy in our area has it in stock! I will have to wait until tomorrow to pick it up. 36 hours after that and we'll be getting down to business, as they say. (Whoever 'they' is...)

So, here we go! Wish me luck!

Friday Fill-In

Because I'm in a bit of a writing slump, I'm stealing this weeks Friday Fill-In from Rotty!

Haven't done this one in a while

1. Layers of paperwork line my desk.

2. I wish I had more insight into my life.

3. I'd be willing to bet that this weekend will go way too fast.

4. The vacuum scares the dog.

5. I'm fond of popsicles by the kiddy pool in the sunshine.

6. I love carbs too much!

7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to being with friends and enjoying the sunshine, tomorrow my plans include a garage sale with a friend and Sunday, I want to paint my kitchen and see a movie!

My Weekend 'Off'.

After my doctors appointment on Friday, I decided that I was going to make a conscious effort to take the weekend OFF. No thinking about baby making, IF, doctors appointments, etc. It was going to be chores and time with friends and family that kept me busy.

I'm pleased to report it was a success. Thoughts creeped in here and there of course, but they were not the daunting/dreadful kind. I've actually been feeling very confident with our game plan. Let's just hope the lady bits pick up on this confidence and get to work! I am almost done with my first round of the increased dosage of Femara. I'm still feeling a-okay. No crazy side affects to speak of, except that it seems impossible for me to continue to lose weight. I know 'weight gain' was listed as a side affect, so maybe I should be happy I'm not gaining?

Something that I think is drastically improving my general disposition is the weather. SUMMER HAS FINALLY ARRIVED IN THE NORTHWEST. Damn it feels good to say that. Me and the weather around here were stuck in the same rut. Nothing but gray, dreary, yuckiness. I'm happy to report that this week it is blue skies and 90 degrees!

Our kitchen is on its way as well. I cannot tell you how much better it already looks and that's only with primer! I promise when we're all done there will be before and after shots. By this weekend I'm hoping we'll have the paint done and then I can start shopping for tile/stone backsplash! In fact I may need to show you what I am trying to decide between so that you can vote... Sound like fun to you?

Update On My Date With Dr. Wrong

My doctor was in surgery yesterday so I got another chance to hang with Dr. Wrong. I have to give her credit, she was much more patient and collaborative this time. She would not refill my prescription without a scan, so I went in and got checked out. Everything was fine. Sweet!

We discussed the potential early ovulation and basically decided that even if I did, it wasn't a great response. We're going forward with the 7.5mg dosage on cd 3-7. I asked about the difference between taking the Femara on days 3-7 vs. 5-9. She mentioned that moving forward the dosage is a more aggressive approach. It is essentially equal to upping the dosage. So, we're doing both!

I did have to take my first blood pregnancy test to 'be certain' that I wasn't pregnant before we started the next cycle. This was because the bleeding was not as heavy as typical, I started so early, and I didn't have any of my usual PMS symptoms. BFN, of course.

I am going to begin using my OPK's earlier this month and call if I get a positive before my day 12 scan. Otherwise I am going to cross my fingers and pray that in 10 days I've got a few big fat follicles and am ready for IUI. Until then, I'm going to enjoy the long holiday weekend.

Happy Fourth!

Thankful Thursday

1. My Family - Tomorrow I will have attended two funerals in one week. Both people died younger than they should have. It is sad and unfortunate, but it has given me perspective and extra appreciation for my family.

2. Cough Drops - My week started with awful allergies and that stuffy nose led me to a sore throat. So much for allergies. My throat isn't so much sore as it is dry, if that makes any sense at all. Cherry Cough Drops = Tasty wonderful heaven.

3. AF - I know, CRAZY TALK, right? But I am grateful that it has come early after a frustrating cycle and we get a fresh start.

4. Thursday - Because if it is Thursday, that means it is almost Friday and thus almost a long weekend. Long Weekends = Tasty wonderful heaven... wait that's cough drops... Hurry up weekend, I'm losing it here!

5. Cute Banana Republic LBJ - If I've got to attend funerals, I'm grateful I have a stylin' little black dress. With pearls (I mean really, is there any other way?).

TGIT Peeps!

I think she was wrong.

I'm not a fan of Doc Oc's fill in, who will henceforth be known as Dr. Wrong. She seems to quickly get me in-out without much discussion and evaluation. This time, I think she may have missed something. Here's how my cycle went down:

CD13 - Visited with Dr. Wrong - Good thick lining, a few larger follicles that 'aren't ready', we schedule a follow up on CD17

CD17 - lining had thinned, a number of follicles but they are small, she declares that I did not respond to the Femara. She recommended a check at CD2-3 to get another look at the ol' bits. I would take my meds CD3-7 (instead of 5-9) and we would up the dosage to 7.5mg

My OPK's from CD13 through now have gotten lighter and lighter. Know what today is? CD1. AF came early. I suppose she wanted to be here for the holidays. That means a 22 day cycle. Know what I think? I think I ovulated early. It would be the second time that has come up. (If you recall, I had this same experience the cycle before last.) It would make sense considering the lay of the land on CD13. It looks like I could have been on the downward side. If I ovulated on CD 11 or 12, it would be early, but it would be a much better explanation considering the early end to my cycle. Any other thoughts out there?

I called the doctors office (Doc Oc is back this week!) and I'm waiting for his nurse to call me back. Here's what I'm proposing (either over the phone, or if I can get in for that CD2-3 appt - great timing with the holiday, no?)...

Up my dosage to the 7.5mg as Dr. Wrong suggested. Even when I did respond in a timely fashion last cycle, it wasn't the greatest. Discuss whether or not I should take it 3-7 or 5-9. (What is the difference? I need to understand that better.) Schedule an earlier 'midcycle' scan and start my OPK's earlier than I feel like I need to. That way even if it isn't 'early' this month I can know for certain.

That's my game plan peeps. Having that 'Ah ha!' moment while I sat on the toilet staring down at red panties on CD23 did dull the ache in my heart at another cycle lost. Please let this be another step towards progress. Please.