128

That is exactly how many beats per minute (BPM) our baby's heartbeat was today.

128 BPM

A little gummy bear with a valve flashing with each beat. It was the greatest thing I have ever seen in my life. Screw the 7 wonders, someone just got bumped.

It took a bit for it to sink in, but we both got choked up.

This day has been a long time coming and we are grateful for every single moment. We are so in love. I'm sorry that I don't have more to share, but I didn't want to leave you waiting.

I will leave you with this, a portrait of our little Spawn...

he/she kind of looks like a snowman, no?

Vacation

Just in case I neglected to mention this, J and I have the whole week off this week! I think this was the cause of my earlier anxiety - too much time on my hands!

We got a fabulous phone call yesterday - they are coming to deliver our new bedroom set today! This was our Christmas present to one another. We bought it through Costco (don't you just love the quality of their furniture??) and they said it would take 4-6 weeks for delivery. They called us ONE WEEK later! It was an amazing surprise.

Thankfully that has left me with plenty to do. Moving out the old dresser and night stands, moving the bed (all J's job of course!) to vacuum, dust, and wash the walls. Our room has not been this clean since we moved in. It is fabulous!

I even went through my closet (which I try and do every couple months) and gathered a whole bag of things to donate. Once the new furniture is in place, I plan to do the same thing as I work to fill all of the new drawers.

I have even decided that while I wait for them to come (should only be another couple hours!) I am going to go through the bookshelf and dvd cases. Finally some time set aside to PURGE! It feels great.

It's good that I have the time to do this today, because when we hear a happy and healthy heartbeat tomorrow (love the return of my optimism!), the last thing I'm going to want to do is clean and organize.

The perfect combination of relaxing vacation and getting some things accomplished. Because tonight, once the room is all put together, you bet your sweet tush that I will be taking a nap on my new bed. WOOT!

InJewels Giveaway Winner!

I am happy to announce that Our Life in Cycles is the winner (and new follower! welcome!) of my first ever giveaway! Please contact me at himplusme at gmail dot com and we can arrange for your bracelet to be sent!

(Not horribly scientific as the response was so small - I had J pick a number between 1 and 4! lol)

I appreciate those who chose to participate in the giveaway. I have to say I am a bit bummed at the response, but am happy to have learned quite a few things for next time.

Please do not forget to take advantage of the 10% discount available (MrsS10) at InJewels!

Anxiety

Does the nagging worry in the back of your mind ever stop? It isn't the crippling fear I had with my last short pregnancy, but just a hovering thought in the back of my mind.

It isn't helped by the fact I had a bit of spotting this week. Nothing even close to red, but only the brownish spotting when I wiped. Nothing that ever even reached the liner. It's gone now, only sporadic over the last couple of days. While I know I cannot change anything if it is to happen, and that the kind of spotting I had can be perfectly normal (and quite common for that matter), I am still very anxious for our ultrasound this Thursday. I strongly wish that I could go in earlier. Only, I know that the early I go in the less likely I am to see anything...

I am trying to cut myself some slack, calling it nerves, and doing my best to relax. But instead, in these quite moments of vacation, my mind wanders to thoughts of - am I sick enough? I was sicker last week, is it going away? Should I be bloated and feeling different?

Boy am I ready to see that little black and white bean again. This mama could use a little reassurance.

Merry Christmas

We have so much to be grateful for this holiday season. We hope that, like us, you are taking the time to spend this holiday with those you love and hold dear.

This Christmas I want to thank each and every one of you. For your love, support, encouragement, and good humor. You've done a lot for me this year and I am so appreciative for your friendship.

I hope that Santa was good to you this year!

Merry Christmas!


PS - Don't forget to enter the giveaway!

My First Giveaway

That's right folks, I'm doing my very first giveaway!

I am happy to bring to you a gorgeous fertility bracelet from InJewels. InJewels makes a variety of bracelets and necklaces. While they have a whole line of fertility related jewelry, they also carry healing, pregnancy, and breast cancer inspired pieces.

Each piece is hand made and customizable. The gemstones included in these pieces are said to be powerful healing stones, provide balance, and relieve different ailments. Why not treat yourself for the holidays? Or purchase a thoughtful gift for a woman you know that could use a pick-me-up?

Helen from InJewels was kind enough to send me the Misty Believe Fertility Bracelet. I am happy to report that the bracelet is beautiful and very well made. I especially love the floral accents - very feminine! And, while I know this has nothing to do with the actual quality of the product, I received my bracelet FAST. As many of you know, I'm not much with patience, so it was a pleasant surprise!

InJewels is offering my readers any Fertility Bracelet of their choice! There are a number of different styles to choose from. Don't forget to read about the different stones and find what appeals to you.

I've participated in giveaways in the past and want to make this as easy as possible! Just make sure that you leave a comment for each entry.

Here's how you enter:
1. Follow @himplusme on Twitter (be sure to leave your Twitter handle so that we can double check!)
2. Follow @InJewelsDesign on Twitter

Optional 3. Like InJewels Design on Facebook

Just make sure you also mention which bracelet you would choose if you win!

The folks at InJewels are so kind, that they wanted to be sure everyone got a little somethin-somethin this holiday season. Use the discount code MrsS10 and you will receive 10% off your purchase! BTW - this is good for ALL of 2012!! How generous is that?

The giveaway will expire on Monday 12/26 at 11:59 p.m. PST.

Focus

I have zero focus to speak of. It is all I can do to stay on task at work and get through my lengthy to do list. My drive is just slipping away.

It certainly doesn't help that we have the week between Christmas and New Years off of work. So I have being pregnant and an impending vacation to distract me from doing anything at all.

The thing is, I have SO much to do! New things keep getting added to my plate and there is just enough of my 'old' self still around to say, "Sure, I'm happy to take care of it."

I have a feeling it is going to be a constant epic battle between my over-achiever self and this new - I have better things to do like grow a human - self.

Who will win? Probably not my sanity.

Ask an You Shall Receive

Here's how yesterday went down...

Doc Oc (he really looks like the Spidey villain): How are you feeling?

Me: Pretty good actually, besides a bad cold Im getting over.

Doc Oc: That's good

Me: Part of me feels like I should be sicker. When does that start?

Doc Oc: Actually, right at about 6 weeks your hormones will start going crazy and you may see moodiness, breast soreness exceeding pms, and break outs (check x3!). Between 6 and 7 weeks you'll be getting a surge of progesterone and that's when the fun will start. Let me know if it gets too bad.

Me: Roger that good sir.

We talk next appointment and shortly we are on our merry way. On the way home we decide to stop at Target. I'd been given a granola bar after she took 96 gallons of my blood, so I thought I'd be fine.

No.

About 5 minutes in to our shopping excursion I could physically feel my blood sugar drop. Instantly I felt like crap. Almost sweaty, hungry, and a very mild panicky feeling. Really wee babe? Less than 2 hours after I ask? I see you have your mothers sense of humor.

I ate at home and felt some relief, but really haven't been the same since. This morning was especially  rough, and I could barely get through a piece of toast.

As sadistic as it sounds, I'm relieved. You always hear, 'the sicker the better', so in the back if my mind I could shake the thought that something was wrong because I felt okay. While I probably wont skip through the park, I'm grateful.

Tonight I am shopping for good healthy snacks so that I will always have something on hand. Let the games begin!

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Our First Ultrasound

While the first ultrasound would not still be for a couple of weeks, my doc is 'untrasound happy' and likes to get one early as a viability scan. You won't get a complaint out of me! Overall the appointment went really well! He agrees with my tracking the pregnancy via ovulation date, and not LMP (Last Monthly Period) since we were tracking so carefully.

I am officially 6 weeks pregnant today.

Blogosphere, meet Sprout 2.0, or as Jeremy calls him - Spawn. OR, as I randomly started calling him/her today - Little Pea. (Jeremy calls me Sweet Pea, this is probably where I got it.)

This isn't the greatest of the photos he took, but you can faintly see the outline of the sac that is our wee one! We are measuring at 5weeks 5days, which is pretty great considering how easy it is to be off by just a small amount. We spent a minute trying to tell if Little Pea's heart was beating, or if it was just moving fluid. Because we couldn't tell, we called it 'too early' and decided we'll look again next week. We knew it would be early, but we had to try! Our next appointment is on Thursday, 12/29. We will be 7weeks 3days and should be able to see the heartbeat. Our first real OB appointment is on 1/4.

Our doctor was on call, so we spent some quality time with his nurse. She did a great job answering our questions and sent us packing with a ton of stuff to read and consider. But, not before they took 37 gallons of my blood (give or take).

Of course we were hoping and praying to see a heartbeat today, but we still feel so much more positive about this pregnancy. It was a little alarming at first to see something that so resembled our beloved Sprout this summer. But, we are supposed to be measuring at this size right now - whereas Sprout should have been a couple weeks more mature. It was a little tug that reminded me to send our first little love a prayer.

We're off to a great start! Thank you for all of your positive thoughts and prayers. We appreciate it!

Tomorrow is our first appointment!

We are both nervous and very excited for our appointment tomorrow. It is our 'new patient' (even though we're not new) visit and our viability scan. We know it is early, but we're crossing our fingers for a heartbeat. That would make my whole world.

I'm definitely feeling anxious, considering this appointment was the beginning or the end with Sprout. On one hand I am feeling more confident this time considering we've not had any spotting or distress. On the other I spend too much time over analyzing everything and psyching myself out - why do I feel less bloated? My boobs hurt, but do they hurt bad enough? Shouldn't I be sicker by now? I've only had a couple nauseous moments... Oh the things your idle brain will do when left unchecked!

This time we're going in cold. No betas, no spotting - nothing to swing us one way or the other. We just have to be patient (GASP) and see what tomorrow holds.

Needless to say I'm saying my prayers, making my wishes, and crossing my fingers. If you have a moment, would you mind doing the same? We will take all of the cosmic pull we can get.

A full report tomorrow!

Pregnant Breakdown #1

Today was a royally shitty day. Period.

I woke up feeling a bit of a scratchy throat, but nothing dramatic. By the end of my commute I was congested. As I unlocked my office... yeah, I was in full sneeze-mode. I had to attend a breakfast event, throughout which I cleaned out my purse supply of tissues. About 10:00 a.m. I was starting to feel warm. So, I decided that I one last errand - walking to Safeway to pick up gift cards for our Adopt-a-Family program. It's about a 1/2 mile away, but even in my condition I decided to make the trek, in heels. Because, once that task was complete, I was getting the hell out of dodge.

As soon as I leave the office, it starts to rain. Greeeaaat.

I arrive at my destination, swipe my card (grateful that at least I will get miles out of the deal), and declined.

We try again, declined.

I quickly step to the side and call the dreaded financial-institution-that-shall-not-be-named (coughBofAcough), and what does there helpful service staff say when they answer the phone? "I'm sorry, but our systems are down. Can you please call us later today?"

NO!

I feel like shit, I haven't gotten my lunch, I walked a half mile in the pouring rain.. NO.

She connects me with someone who was not useless to me and tells me that as a security measure they declined my card. Okay, well I can understand why it isn't normal for someone to try and charge $4500 at Safeway. Kudos, banking institution, nice catch. But, it's me, so let me do my thang.

The long and the short - they couldn't fix it. And an hour of discussion, frustrating on my behalf, and obviously satisfying on their behalf - being as they got to say their favorite phrase, "I'm sorry, but there is nothing we can do." Is there a supervisor? No, but you can get a call back within 24 hours.

They had no patience or understanding for my plight.

I got to march my, now very unhappy ass, to an actual branch. Where they could actually help me. And then march my ass back to handle my business, before I hauled myself back to my office - two whole hours later. But, not before I called J to vent, while I cried and snot ran down my face. I was walking the street in the rain while I hiccup-cried and my feet throbbed like I'd been dancing all night. Except, this time I wasn't too drunk to care.

I did promptly add another question to my list - is there a good reference for what I can and cannot take during pregnancy? Because right now I would like to OD on a nighttime something or other and not wake up until midday tomorrow.

Upcoming Appointment

We are really starting to look forward to our first appointment on Monday. I am preparing my list of questions and J has even come up with some. I know that it is a bit early to expect a heartbeat, but secretly I am hoping we do. We could really use the pick-me-up this go round.

I have a question for you seasoned pros - what questions should I be sure and ask Dr. Oc.? I feel like there is so much more I should be asking and I can't think of anything else!

Also, I am having entirely too much fun gathering ideas on Pinterest. If you happen to be obsessed like me, come by and pay me a visit! I'd love to follow some more awesome peeps.

Sweet Friends

Our friends were nothing but 110% supportive. I knew they would be, they're good people. I'm certain they're still hurting, I know I would be, but they did nothing to show that to us. J was given a beer and a heart congrats and then we did our best to move to other subjects and talk about how they were doing. All in all, it went well and I am so grateful for our tremendous friends. Meanwhile, I will continue to be cautious and work not to 'rub it in'.

Side note - did any of you experience pressure in early pregnancy? I would not call it cramping as it isn't painful, but pressure is the best I can describe it. It isn't constant, but pretty frequent. Gas? I've certainly got enough bloat today for that to be the case.

Bitter Sweet

Tonight we are having dinner with some friends. It was a couple we were so excited to share our news with because, until about 2 weeks ago, they were 9 weeks pregnant. Last week (just before we got our BFP), she suffered her 3rd miscarriage. This time, which was their longest pregnancy to date, after they heard the heartbeat.

This is one of J's oldest friends and we've come a long way with them. They haven't been trying long (about 7-8 months) in the grand scheme of things, but they've suffered more in that short period than anyone should. When we started this journey 3 long years ago, they were not yet married. They didn't really understand our plight because they were at a different place in their life. They were empathetic, but often offered the kind of unsolicited 'advice' that you would often receive from someone naive.

I am heartbroken that they now understand. I hate that we've added another friend to our 'club'. And mostly, I have no idea how we will break the news to our dear friends who now have to start over again. My heart breaks for them.

They knew we ovulated this month too. How? Because they were over for dinner a few weeks back when we got the positive OPK and J fricken told them. Great dinner conversation, no? They were still pregnant and thrilled with the idea of doing this together. I really want to be sensitive of their feelings, especially since it wasn't that long ago that we were in their shoes.

The universe is a cruel beast sometimes, isn't it?

If you have a moment, please say a prayer or send a positive thought to our friends E&S. We love them dearly and hope things work out for them. These situations are so tough and, although grateful for our blessing, I feel like a fish out of water being on the other side.

Hope

Whatever you do, hold on to HOPE.
The tiniest thread will twist into an unbreakable cord.

Let hope anchor you in the possibility that this is not the end of your story,
that change will bring you to peaceful shores.

~Author Unknown

Keeping The Secret

I am such a horrible liar! Especially when I want to be able to tell our phenomenal news.

We are really struggling with how to be around our friends, especially at holiday parties, and not telling them the one thing that's top on our list. Especially awkward when they offer you a cocktail and you have to stammer for an excuse as to why you don't want one. And you know what? To make it worse, my friends are pushers! "Oh, come on!" "What?! Shut up. Here, I got your favorite wine!" "Hahahaha, yeah right!"

Buncha punks.

We're just not ready to say anything yet and risk having to take the news back again. One particular group of our friends was so supportive, but they are at different stages in their lives. They really just cannot relate and I don't want to put that on them again. The girls at work all have baby fricken fever and I swear to God they are going to smell the pregnant on me. We're supposed to get together and bake next Saturday and every email says something like, "Oooh, fun! Cookies and WINE!" Doublefrick! Jeremy says to tell them I'm hungover.

I'm really starting to sound like a lush, aren't I? I'm really not! It's this time of year.

How do you lie without feeling or sounding like an idiot?

Any tips for avoidance?

Should I just cancel my appearances all together and not come out of my cave until sometime next month?

Pregnancy as I know it.

I don't really feel too different thus far. Yesterdays lunch of a green salad and chicken was harder to get through than it should have been, but I'm not overly queasy. I've felt full and bloated in my lower belly, and maybe what I would call pressure, but no cramping. Mostly I feel the same.

There are two things I do seem to gave an excess of - urine and yawning.

One night this week we laid down on the couch for about an hour. I made sure to pee before we laid down, but in that hour I peed an additional two times! And I really had to go not just the felt-like-I-had-to, but the move-or-I'll-pee-my-pants kind. Jeremy found it hilarious and by the last time he was teasing me and asking if he should just move the tv so that I could stay in there. I should have taken him up on it.

I've also been pretty tired. A noticeable lack of energy during the day and by 7:30-8:00 I am ready for bed. Yesterday I was in the copy room and a coworker asked if I was okay. I turned around and said, "yes! Of course. What's up?" And she pointed out that in the probably two minutes we were in there together, I'd yawned at least three times! We laughed and I joked about needing a nap. It was only noon!

Besides my over abundance of urine and my inability to keep my eyes open, I feel pretty good! I am so grateful for the opportunity to experience these things and look forward to what is to come. As my BFF Susan says, "I would say it sucks, but you're pregnant, so it is awesome!" So true.

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Sprout 1.0

Over the last few years you all have been privy to some of my brightest highs and unfortunate lows. I've always struggled a bit, and I think this could probably be true for most infertiles, with the 'why me?!' and also had my doubts that we would ever get pregnant.

While Sprout 1.0 was only with us a few short weeks, he/she/they gave me an outlet. It brought all of my emotions to the surface. The pain I felt when we lost Sprout 1.0 was intense, and deep, and probably the most sad and depressed I've ever been. I was angry, questioned our desire to keep trying, distraught, fearful of going through this again, ashamed... all very raw emotions. But, I felt them. I gave myself the luxury of bringing those things to the surface and facing them. Head on. I really grieved. Sprout 1.0 helped me clean out my proverbial closet and most importantly, gave me hope. After 3 years of nothing, to know that you can in fact get pregnant, it's a game changer folks.

This is why I feel that I am so calm with Sprout 2.0. I left all of my old baggage, fear, and sadness back in August. I purged and was left with only my hope and faith. No longer did I have to waver, because I knew that this would be in the cards for us some day.

I am not saying that if I could go back I wouldn't change it if I could. Losing Sprout was one of the worst things that has ever happened to me. What I am getting at is, even with Sprout 2.0, I will never forget my first. The love I feel for Sprout, the lessons I was taught, the love I felt from family and friends during some of my darkest days. I am so grateful for those days I had Sprout in my life. Sprout will always be with me. Coaching Sprout 2.0 along, helping he/she to avoid the path of their older sibling.

I know that there are no guarantees in this life. Especially not this early in a pregnancy. I've seen things go the other way entirely too many times not to know better. But I feel a lot better prepared to face this journey knowing that I have a clean slate, an amazing support group, and an angel on my side.

Pregnant and in School

I had my appointment with the academic adviser yesterday. Overall, it didn't go very well and I'm feeling a bit demotivated.

Firstly, he was late for our appointment. Second, I guess I hadn't thought through the fact that this person advising me, could actually be quite a bit younger than I am. I felt kind of like an idiot. Which, I know I shouldn't, but his general demeanor didn't help. He wasn't overly rude or anything, just not very helpful. I wanted advice, options, suggestions, etc. Everything he gave me I could have found online. I felt a bit rushed out of there.

I left with more questions than when I started.

I have until the 1st of February to apply for Spring quarter (April - June). What would I do about summer quarter? Give birth before finals?? Oy vey... How about when fall quarter starts in September and I have a one month old and I am facing going back to work? I'm basically in the middle of my sophomore year and don't know yet if the exams I've taken for work will count towards credit.

Needless to say, I'm a bit overwhelmed and not certain now what I want to do. I know it's going to be hard, but will I be adding too much to my plate and get overwhelmed again? I don't have time for the crap I need to do now. You know, the stuff I'm neglecting right now while I blog...

I'm scared if I don't do it now, I never will. Am I crazy to take this on?

P.S. To answer your question Josey, I am 15 dpo today.

You're going to want to see this.

Yes, you're seeing that right.

Two little lines!

It's early on yet, but we are thrilled to be starting this journey again.

While we may have a long way to go, I'm feeling an odd calm (compared to my normal high-strung, type-A, self) and while cautious, I am certainly optimistic.

We're not getting our beta's done this time, but we have a viability scan scheduled in a few weeks.

For now? For now, I am snuggling a little closer to my husband, enjoying these moments, and enjoying our little secret. I've confided in only a couple of our closest friends, as we can appreciate the need for a support group. Our families and other friends (besides you all of course!) are going to have to wait a bit. Not too terribly long, but long enough until we're comfortable. Since you all have been in the loop from the beginning, it was only fair to keep you in the loop going forward.

If you have a spare positive thought, I would sure appreciate it.

Now we just have to figure out what to call this little poppy-seed. Sprout 2.0?

To wait, or not to wait, that is the question.

We've discussed, ad nauseum, about my lack of patience. I'm here to tell you - nothing has changed! HA!

I am approaching the end of my 2WW. And now the question must be asked - do I play it safe and wait the full two weeks, or do I cheat and test early?

It is as the old adage asks - "To pee, or not to pee, that is the question!"

What would you do?

Pee?
or
Wait and Pee?

Convince me.

2WW

I am one week into our two week wait. This is our first real 2WW in ages. We took all that time off early in the year and then got pregnant before we picked up with treatments. This is the first time I know that I ovulated and when in over a year.

The feeling of anticipation doesn't change, but man have we gotten our hopes up. J says he feels really good about this cycle, and if I'm honest, I do too. But, we've been there before, have we not? You'd think we'd learn our lesson. What can I say, we're suckers.

I enjoy feeling that we gave it all we've got. That things were timed well and we were on top of it. (cough:thatswhatshesaid:cough) In all seriousness though, now everything is just up to fate. We took care of our end of the bargain (again and again just for insurance!) and now we just have to wait.

This time next week I should have my period, or a positive pregnancy test. It feels a little like anticipating the first day of school - oh wait, I'm doing that too!

Am I crazy?



Don't answer that.

Turkey Hangover

Have you ever eaten so frequently that you feel hungover? For the past three days, I have.

Too much good food!

I am now, officially, sick of eating. I wish there was a pill that contained all of the nutrients I need. This way I could avoid having to chew anything. Ever. Again.

Frankly, eating all of the delicious food has left me in a coma.

So while all of you continue to lead your productive lives, I am going to curl back up on the sofa with my big cozy blanket and continue our Harry Potter marathon.

P.S. For those of you who are HP nerds, like us, the Blu-Ray box set is 50% off at Amazon.com.
Harry Potter Box Set - Now go have yourself another piece of pie and enjoy!

Another Appointment Made...

And this one is not with a doctor that would probably recognize my vagina before my face.

Nope!

On Monday, December 5th, I am meeting with a college adviser! I need to round up my transcripts and bring them along and we'll talk through a game plan.

Holy crap.

OMG.

Whoa.

That basically wraps up what I am feeling right about now. I had a minor panic attack today when faced with housework and thought - ZOMG, this crap doesn't get done when I am home and now I want to add school!? Jeremy assured me that school was much more important than dusting the molding and vacuuming the stairs. I assured him that the second I get into school - I am scheduling a housekeeper. End of story!

The only way I can focus on something like this is to know I have one or two other things off of my plate. And why shouldn't scrubbing the shitter be one of them? The next item I am going to work on is getting some meals in the freezer and increasing the list of things J can cook.

Also, between now and starting school I need to refocus on 'right sizing' my life. Shedding extra crap, purging what we don't need, etc. As my acupuncturist explained once, how can we left something big into our lives if we don't have room for what we have. This applies physically and mentally of course.

Me, back in school. Like WHOA.

Turkeys in the Oven

This year we're making the rounds instead of hosting Thanksgiving. Even without hosting I've found a way to be responsible for the bird, which is currently in my MIL's oven. What can I say? J loves my cooking. (As you know, modesty is one of my finer qualities.)

Even in a roller coaster year, we have so much to be thankful for. Our family, first and foremost. As crazy and dysfunctional as they may be. They're my crazies.

Our friends. Near and far they're one of a kind. I'm so comforted by the love and support we've received over the years.

Our Sprout(s). Even if we couldn't keep Sprout for long, I am forever thankful for the impact he/she had on our lives. My hope, which has been a continually dimming light over the past three years, was restored with Sprout. I know now that we can get pregnant. That it is and will be in the cards for us. I learned to love at a new level during those short and stress filled weeks. Something I will never forget is the love we and our wee-one were shown. The joy, excitement, and elation were something that will never leave me.

Lastly, but never least, is Jeremy. That man is my rock. My partner in crime throughout or adventures. He knows ne better than I do sometimes. He isn't perfect, but his desire to try, learn, and do better next time, continually reinforces why I chose him. He is the definition of good. During the days I am not sure who I am and why I'm here, he brings me back to myself and to him. He's my safe place. He makes me want to be better each and every day.

My hope is that each of you is spending time with those you love and care about. I will continue to think of each of you and hope you're blessed with more and more to be thankful for.

Happy Thanksgiving!

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College

I'm suffering a from a quandary and I'm hoping to solicit some much-needed advice.

I dropped out of college when I was 19. It's a long story, but it basically came down to a job offer and an identity crisis. After completing a year of college in high school and floundering while I tried to find my place at a big university, I decided that a hiatus was best.

I love learning. I always said that if I had a job/passion that required school, I'd love to go back. Now may be that time. I earned my current position through experience. Kicking ass and being damn good at what I do. Now, at the level I'm working, all of my colleagues at least have a college education. Most have double majors, additional certificates, Masters degrees, etc. For the first time since I started my professional career that I've felt self conscious about my lack of education.

For the past couple of months I have been toying with going back. My employer provides an annual allowance for school. It wouldn't cover everything, but it would be close. It was the last week of June that I pulled up the adviser contact information and started talking to Jeremy. Well, it was the next week that Sprout came into my life.

This is where I can use the advice. Can I handle both trying to conceive/being pregnant and going to school? And I wouldn't get off that easy - can I handle a child and classes?

What are your experiences? What things should I be considering (besides a padded cell)?

I clearly have a few decisions to make!

Positive OPK!

Well that was a pleasant spin to my Monday!

J's response? Waggling eyebrows.

::unplugs phone from wall::

I will not be available until tomorrow!

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Made an appointment.

Well, I finally did it. I scheduled our appointment with Seattle Reproductive.

I was really hoping that my Metformin and consistent use of OPK's would be my magic wand. I'm currently on cycle day 18 and haven't had any sign of ovulation just yet. Last cycle was over 40 days. I know that I could still be adjusting after the miscarriage, but still. I'm ready to move on.

I know that Jeremy is ready too. He's the one that asked why we didn't have an appointment yet. Well, dammit, I was hoping to get lucky twice I suppose. I've come to terms with the idea of seeking help again. I hate going to the doctor so frequently and working that into our already busy schedule. However, I cannot think of a better reason to do so.

Unfortunately I don't have a lot of flexibility for time off between now and the end of the year and my doctor no longer takes Saturday appointments. Boooooo! So, that means our appointment isn't until Wednesday, December 28th. That gives us the busy holidays to focus on other things and then it is game time.

Here we go again!

(Anybody think I can get lucky and be pregnant before my appointment gets here again?? If I do, I'm buying a lotto ticket.)

SoCal is Where My Mind States

We found ourselves in gorgeous sunny San Diego last weekend!

We spent some fantastic quality time with one of my dear BFFs Susan, her husband, and their brand new foster to adopt placements! Got to meet the kiddos, eat pie for lunch, and generally just enjoy each others company. Even if it was only a short time.

Thankfully we had the opportunity to rent a convertible, drive the coast, and even window shop for real estate (one of my favorite hobbies). We spent a good amount of time in the Gaslamp Quarter. Had beers at the Tipsy Crow, a tasty dinner at Strauss Brewery, etc. The concierge at our hotel (we stayed at the W and really enjoyed it!) recommended an awesome place for lunch - Craft and Commerce. It was awesome! I highly recommend it.

Sunday was a gorgeous day. Almost 80 degrees and not a cloud in the sky! This was the day we spent 7 hours walking around the San Diego Zoo. It was so fun! If you've ever been there, you know the place is HUGE. While we covered pretty much the whole zoo, I doubt very highly that you'd cover too much of it with little ones.While we were a little sad at times to think that I could be taking photos of my belly in front of the different exhibits, we know that we'll be back. I'm confident that we'll take our children there someday. That just means it will just be even more special next time.

We really enjoyed our little getaway. It was nice to spend some time, just the two of us. We're very fortunate to be able to travel quite a bit recently, but we don't often get the one-on-one time. We travel very well together. We like to wander in the same places, enjoy checking out local spots, and both appreciate some good down time. Jeremy hasn't always been as passionate about travel as I have, but I was thrilled when he admitted this weekend, "Sweetpea, I think I've got the travel bug." YES!

As Much Privacy as an Airport Bathroom

I promised myself I would be uber diligent about my OPKs this month. And,  as anyone who's had the pleasure of peeing on one would understand, when the urge hits you have to take advantage.

Even if that is in the third stall down in the dirty San Diego airport bathroom.

Even if the room is filled with other women speaking at least three different languages.

Even if you're a shy pee'er and it's all you can do to go at all.

Life of an Infertile Fact #94 - peeing on whatever you have you, whenever you have to do it.

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It could be an amazing, amazing, day.

One of my very best friends, in all of the universe, might be blessed with children today.

She and her husband have struggled to make their family. They've said goodbye to two children who were born too soon and we miss those beautiful angels every single day. They are a couple of the bravest people I have ever met. They've faced these unthinkable obstacles and manage to still bring beauty to this crappy world. She's the first person in line to hold my hand when I'm sad. The first person to give an encouraging word to someone in need. To send love and care to everyone else.

They've just recently (as in last week) completed their certification for foster-to-adopt. Guess what call they received? They may have a placement today.

Holy Crap!

Please keep them in your thoughts and prayers. These two are going to be phenomenal parents. These children they are going to bring into their lives are so incredibly fortunate. I love them with all of my heart and cannot wait to see joy and love fill their home.

This is what I am thankful for today. Hope. Love. And all things completely awesome.

A great weekend getaway

As I mentioned on Sunday, we spent the weekend in Whistler, BC! If you've never been, I'd highly recommend it. It can be a bit spendy, as most tourist towns are, but it can be done on a budget and some of the splurges are worth it! It's the second time we've visited Whistler and we have had a blast both times.

(Clockwise from the top-left - J and I in The Brewhouse, brilliant fall colors on the Western Washington University campus, Whistler Village, the Peace Arch at the Washington/BC border, getting a little friendly with a local)

The weekend was gorgeous. We made quite a few stops on the trip north and really enjoyed the beautiful fall weather. Sunshine, gorgeous fall color, and the crisp air. I have to say, fall is quickly becoming my favorite season. There is just no place quite as beautiful as the NW in the fall.

Thankful for Laughter

I'm not one to take myself too seriously. I generally deal with crappy situations by making fun of myself and basically being a sarcastic brat. What can I say? It works for me.

This weekend was no exception. We spent the weekend in Whistler, BC with some great friends. It was a fabulous distraction. The drive up to Whistler is stunning. The mountains come straight into the sea. Everything is lush and green. Except, of course, for the gorgeous fall foliage.

Whistler was chilly, so it meant our shopping and beer drinking was done in scarves and beanies. There was patches of snow on the ground as we drank lattes and spent quality time with our pals. What never stopped? Our laughter.

Our pals are just as witty and sarcastic as we are. We spent a solid two days giving each other a hard time, poking fun, telling old stories, and genuinely having a good time. Sure, the shopping certainly didn't hurt! But at the end of the day, what brings me back to myself is a good belly laugh with people I can about. We didn't need fancy dinners and glamorous nights out in the village. We needed a few cold beers, a deck of cards, and our collective banter. Jokes like, "That's what she said!" and your mama jokes may be corny to sophisticated folk, but whispered under your breath to a pal when the woman standing next to you looks up to the mountain and says, "Wow, it's just so big!"... well, that's simply pure awesomeness.

This week - the first in November - I'm grateful for laughter. It's been my life line.

Another Pregnancy

A close friend of Jeremy's and his wife have been trying for about 6 months. They've suffered through two early miscarriages/chemical pregnancies. She is now 6 weeks pregnant.

I am so happy for our friends. Happy and hopeful that they will get a full term healthy and happy baby.

I'm also struggling. I know it is so so so wrong to be jealous that they've been pregnant 3 times in 6 months.

I am grateful that I was working late when J had dinner with them to get the good news.

Working through these conflicts is a tricky, tricky, beast. Thrilled for them, jealous and sad for me. Crazy with a side of nutso, welcome to my world.

Meanwhile I will just fester in my wave of crazy while I pray for their babies health and for our future. Oh, and have a cocktail with my friends because it's Friday and we're headed out for the weekend. Yes, that will definitely help!

TGIF my dear friends.

Conversations with your MIL

Scene: out to a nice dinner, MIL comes in and we're already seated.

Me: Hi!

MIL: Well, hello! I hope I didn't leave you waiting.

J: Nope, not at all. We just ordered drinks.

MIL: (to me) What are you having to drink tonight?

Me: Vodka 7

MIL: Oh, well then... Nevermind! I guess that answers my question.

Me & J: Huh?! (Exchange looks of bewilderment)

MIL: Well... if she's drinking she's not... you know...

J: Pregnant?? No, she's not.

::headdeskrepeat::

I cannot imagine why we waited three years until we told her. This cannot happen each time we get together or there will need to be words.

The status of my uterus is not open dinner conversation. She's lucky I didn't start telling her about being on my period while she enjoyed her shrimp cocktail. But, how do you delicately broach that subject?

Oh the joys of an infertile daughter-in-law.

Good end to a rough week.

It's pretty obvious that I'm still working through some kinks in this tricky landscape of Infertility. But, it is weekends like this one that make me happy with my life.

Saturday morning was spent lounging with my husband. I did POAS, and saw my BFN. I knew that was going to be the case and my heart wasn't broken. I'm sad as always, but I was prepared. Instead of brooding we watched Captain America (pretty good, btw) and snuggled on the sofa, catching up on some much needed quality time.

That afternoon I took off for a few hours with my BFF R to watch her daughters soccer game (GO Pumas!) and take pictures of my mini BFF, Landon. That little boy simultaneously make my heart break and yearn for my own spawn, and overflows the achy hole in my heart. I love the bond I have with that 2 year old cutie-patootie. The Pumas tied their game 2-2, Landon and I ran ourselves silly, we stuffed ourselves at a local Mexican restaurant and I headed back home to get ready for the evening’s festivities.

Yes folks, we got dressed up and hit the town with our gang. There were a couple pirates, Ron Swanson (Parks & Rec), Lisbeth (Girl w. a Dragon Tattoo), Quail Man (

I have to say, the banana really accentuated my dance moves. Oh yes, I busted a move for two in that baby. It was a fun night, but I learned two important lessons #1 – I am getting too old for these shenanigans. #2 – the bartender turning out to be an old friend from high school isn’t nearly as good as it sounds. Free cocktails = hangover. Every time.

After some much needed Sunday morning R&R, we were off to the in-laws for a Halloween bash and some time with my niece and nephews. It was fun watching them bob for apples and turn themselves into mummies with toilet paper.

Also, I am SO proud of myself – not a single piece of candy and not a single dessert has crossed my lips during any of these festivities! It is working too. 2.5lbs lost as of my Friday weigh in – back down to 186. Quite a bit more to go, but it is progress!

Since this month is Thanksgiving, that is exactly what I will be focusing on – giving thanks. Taking time out of each day to be grateful for all that I have in my life. Even with all that we’ve been through, I am a pretty lucky girl.

***sorry to those that saw the half-post. Somehow the last half disappeared! Monday is in full swing already...***

How do you stop comparing?

How do you stop comparing yourself to where you could be?
How do you stop seeing other women achieve milestones and think of what could have been? That it should be you? Not in place of them, but you too.
How do you stop looking at the calendar and imagine where your life could be right now? How not only could you know the gender of your child right now, but that by now this could have been the gender of your second child.
How do you see your friends, the people you love, go on with their lives and leave you behind? Again.
How do you celebrate with them when you don't even feel like you can look them in the eye? For two reasons, you're not sure that you can handle to see them smile in person, and you don't want to steal that smile away because they feel sorry for you.
How do you keep other peoples joy from from stealing your breath?

How do you stop comparing at all? It's stealing my attempts to find joy.

Waiting. And Waiting. And Waiting.

Self admittedly I am not a patient person. Once I commit to something I want it now. I am willing to work hard, don't get me wrong, but I function best with a reasonable time-line.

Trying to conceive is allllll about waiting. First, you wait until you're even ready to start a family. Then you wait until midcycle to do the deed, then you wait until the end of the cycle to get the results. If you do get pregnant, there is all kinds of waiting - doctors visits, heartbeats, gender identification, not to mention meeting your child! However, if you don't get pregnant, you repeat this process ad nauseum until the end of time.

As a PCOS girl with irregular cycles, this waiting game can be torturous. Anyone with PCOS can tell you that the irregularity is maddening. Especially if you're not tracking your cycles. With my crappy OPK's this month, I'm completely out of the loop. I have no idea if, or when, I ovulated.

::headdeskrepeat::

That leaves me on CD37 without a clue in the world what is happening down stairs. This is my first real cycle since our miscarriage. So, on top of the typical waiting I have that added anxiety. I know that we are ready, but I also now my heart may not have fully recovered.

Either way - I'm scared.

I'm scared to have to see another negative test - my first in almost six months. The first one I will have taken since Sprouts glorious debut on the 4th of July. While there is certainly a part of my that is excited at another chance, all of that comes with anxiety and uncertainty.Which means of course I am scared for a positive result as well. I will admit that part of me is putting this out there in the universe so that AF will just show up already or stay away. I'm giving myself until Saturday morning and then I will give in and test.

As I so eloquently told Jeremy while we discussed this last night - I'm either fucked up or knocked up. And I'm not 110% sure how I feel about any of it. So for now, we wait. Again.

A gorgeous fall day

Today was a beautiful fall day in the Northwest.

This morning as I was running around and getting ready for work, I managed to get a roast in the crockpot. When we got home this afternoon, after that roast had been cooking for 11 hours, our house smelled like heaven! I nuked some baby red potatoes and carrots for a few minutes and added them to the crockpot as well.

Then off we went! We snagged the dogs, my camera, and hit the trail. We have a great, paved, trail near out house and we love it on days like today. It was great to spend good time with Jeremy, get some fresh air after a frustrating and busy day in the office, and get a bit of exercise with the pups.

Nothing quite beats coming home to a warm house filled with the smell of a tasty roast. Now, it's time to relax, snuggle up, and watch Sons of Anarchy. All in all, it was a damn good day.

A quick rundown of the roast recipe I created, for those interested!

In a ziplock bag, mix well- 1/4 cup flour, dash of thyme, pepper, 1/2 t garlic powder, 1/4t onion powder
Add the roast to the bag and coat
Brown roast on all sides
In the crockpot add 1cup beef broth, 1/4 water, 1 can cream of mushroom, a few dashes of Worcestershire sauce - mix and add the roast
Sprinkle top with onion soup mix
Cook for at least 5-6 hours - all day is obviously best!
For the last 1-1.5 hours add your potatoes of choice and baby carrots

I don't do much measuring and I improve a LOT. In fact, this time I added a bay leaf when I added the veggies.

Not so mildly obsessed.

Can we please take a moment to discuss the new love in my life?

Pinterest.

I have developed a mild obsession with this website. I have my Mrs.S account as well as another personal account (hit me up if you want to follow that one) and Oh Em Gee we have a problem. I have started numerous phrases with, "I found this cool ____..." and Jeremy already knows where it came from.

My boss came in my office about two weeks ago and said, "You will never guess what I discovered, it is the most awesome website." My response? "Please tell me you're talking about Pinterest." She was!! We squealed like idiots and compared pins for the next 5 minutes.

This website is a planners dream. As you can see I started my Mrs. S (himplusme) account when I was still with Sprout. But still, when I need a few minutes to slip into baby-planning obsession I have my resource. When I hear one of my gal pals suggest something baby-related that she absolutely could not live without - you bet your ass I'm pinning it. What a great way to keep track of the things you love, ideas you have, and just general awesomeness??

I'm sorry to interrupt your daily goings-on with this moment of Pinterest love, but it had to be done. If you don't know what Pinterest is... well... I'm sorry. Feel free to email me and I'll invite you, cause you're missing out.

Warning: Pinterest is know to cause hours of the day to simply go missing.

Friends

I have probably said 1000 times here how I have the best friends in all of the universe. Some live just a block away, and others are all across the country. Some I've know since before I could walk and others I've never met in person before. Some are women, others are men, and their ages range pretty dramatically.

I've never been one to have too many close girl friends. I had my close circle (3) in highschool and my other closest friends were guys. I've always had a hard time dealing with the drama that unfortunately accompanies most female personalities. Needless to say, I've chosen my girlfriends very carefully. If you consider yourself one of my close friends (you'll know who you are), just know that you passed a very rigorous test. ;)

It's one of the great perks of blogging and communicating with an online society - if they drive you crazy you just get to delete them from your reader!! I get to be picky with who I communicate with and have found so many awesome women that I may not have met otherwise!

Jeremy and I had an entire conversation about this last night when we were on our way to meet up with some friends. Another friend of ours is pretty newly single. He's starting to date again and sweet baby Jesus in a manger has he already met some serious crazies. Like, multiple cats, couldn't see her floors, car filled with junk, lets get serious on the first date kind of crazy. I feel for him and do not envy his situation. His searching for a mate has had one excellent side affect for me - J is extremely appreciative of me and our relationship. It has been an excellent, and constant, reminder that he hit the jackpot! (Modesty is clearly one of my finer traits.)

Back to last nights conversation. He said that he knew very early on that I was the girl for him because of the people I chose to affiliate with. Three of my closest friends in the world were guys. That can be nerve-wracking to a new boyfriend. It's like he had to meet my three big brothers. But after that initial anxiety he quickly saw that I could hang with the fellas without being one of them. I wasn't scratching myself in sweatpants, but could follow a sporting event. I could also take crap as easily as I could deal it out. His words - "You weren't crazy, over emotional, and too sensitive."

All of this to say, it really made me feel good to hear him affirm that 10 years later he still loves and appreciates these things about me. That even with all that we've been through he doesn't find me crazy, over-emotional (clearly love is BLIND! lol), and too sensitive. That our relationship is strong enough for him to hear me hug one of my best friends on his birthday, tell him that I love him, and not bat an eye. Shoot, more than likely J would jump on us and say, "I love you too, man!"

My friends have succeeded in not just being there for me, cheering on from the sidelines, but have helped to make my relationship even stronger. They're our family. They know us better than anyone and love us despite our faults.

So, when I say I have the best friends in the universe, I know it to be fact. And I'm okay if you need to take a moment to be jealous. I don't often get to have that experience. ;)

New Look

What do you think? It is certainly simpler than I had before, but I woke up feeling like I needed a freshening up! I'm only mildly obsessed with the chevron pattern and the combination of gray and green (or gray and anything...).

I'd love to get your feedback! I still have a few more changes I would like to make. There will be more pictures coming soon, I hope. lol

Is there anything you'd like to see?

However, I am done for today. It is a gloomy fall day here in the Pacific Northwest. I am going to snuggle with my husband, make stew for dinner, and read a good book. The rest of my chores can wait until tomorrow.

Welcome to October ICLW!

Hi everyone!

Quite a lot in my life has changed since the last time I participated in ICLW. Please feel free to visit the link above to learn a little more about our story.

My husband and I have just passed our three year mark trying to conceive. I was diagnosed with PCOS in the fall of 2009. We took quite a bit of time off from actively TTC this year and just as we were picking back up, we got our first positive pregnancy test in July. We were elated and filled with dreams and hope for the first few weeks. Unfortunately that didn't last very long before the spotting started and the next month was filled with a roller coaster of emotions and uncertainty. August 10th I naturally miscarried our Sprout.

Our story is unfortunately common. While it may be common, our story is uniquely ours. We've been changed as people. I've learned to be more compassionate, been forced to practice my patience, and certainly faced more emotions than I thought I even possessed. My husband, Jeremy, has been a trooper. And has probably learned more about conception and the female anatomy than he would have ever willingly submitted himself to otherwise.

I'm back to waiting on my period to arrive. CD32 today. I know at this moment I am dreading heading back to the doctors office. I mean, we conceived all by ourselves. We were given a 1% chance of doing that. 1%! I would love it if we could do that again. But am I willing to wait another 3 years before we win the lottery again?

I am taking Metformin now, so I suppose I'm not entirely on my own anymore. I tried to take OPK's to track ovulation, but I don't think the cheapies I ordered were any good. I will definitely try again this cycle. Not knowing if/when I ovulated certainly doesn't give me much hope for this cycle and I'm okay with that.

For now I am trying to focus, and refocus, on losing the weight I gained this summer. Enjoying my time with friends and family. Planning to travel more in the coming months. (San Diego in three weeks and Spain next year!) Damnit, if we have to be childless, I am going to try and enjoy every second.

I have been an unfortunate member of this Infertile society for awhile now. I'm just realizing that our membership now includes the Miscarriage society as well. Is this really my life? Isn't this the stuff you're just suppose to empathize about when your sisters cousins friend is having a hard time? How did all of this happen? Boy, life's a bitch some times, huh? I have my good days and my bad. I'm grateful that they are mostly good. I have such a fantastic support system - amazing friends that I owe a world of debt to for all that they've done for me. If we've had to suffer the way we have, I'm grateful that tremendous friendships get to be one of our silver linings.

Enough of my ramblings! Welcome to those that are new around these parts. Please feel free to ask questions if you have them! To those that have been around awhile - thanks for being you, while I hang around here being me.

Happy Friday!

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Changing a Habit

They say it takes 21 days to change a habit. After another disappointing visit to the scale last night, I have dedicated myself to making a change.

Clearly my grandiose – eat nothing but food that is good for you and work out every day – plans are not cutting it. So, instead I’m starting small. I’ve developed a poor habit of eating junk food. Especially at work I have a hard time with all of the potlucks, birthday celebrations, etc. Yesterday I got home and realized I had eaten:

1. Skittles – AKA my favorite candy in the universe

2. Chocolate Cake – thank you bridal shower

3. Cookies – not just one, but three

Stop the madness! I wasn’t bingeing or anything crazy, but I was being complacent.

For the next 22 days I am giving up treats. Candy and desserts are a no-no until I leave for San Diego. Today I packed my go-to healthy munchies – bell peppers in a light Italian dressing. Tonight I am packing up anything in my fridge/pantry and making J eat it for dinner. (only kidding!) I am going to pack up what I can and donate it or send it to work with him. I need it out of my house. We’re talking sugar detox people!

Are there any small habits you can change? Would you like to join me on my 22 day trek out of Charlie’s Chocolate Factory?