It is official...

Mr. and Mrs. S are GOING TO EUROPE. Yes, I know I told you we were planning it, but this evening we bought our plane tickets. It is officially official.

May 17th we will be headed to London. We will be spending a couple of in London doing all of the usual stuff (Big Ben, Buckingham, Trafalgar, Tower Bridge, London Eye, etc, etc), visiting the city of Bath, and Stonehenge. We will then be flying to Dublin and spending a handful of days in Ireland. Visiting castles, Blarney Stone, Cliffs of Moher, and of course the Guiness brewery before we return to London for a day and fly home. That's our itinerary in a nutshell. Holy Frick.

I.
Can.
Not.
ContainMYSELF!

January Game Plan

The new year is almost here. Crazy, no? 2010 went by so damn fast, I'm not quite sure what to do with myself. We've been on our break for over 4 months. No meds, OPK's, temping, charting, etc. Here is the plan for January...

1) Make an appointment with a Naturopath
-I'm hoping to manage my PCOS without meds. I'm willing to give it a try anyway. I'm going to ask about diet, weight loss, and acupuncture.

2) Lose 30lbs
-Granted this won't all happen in January. lol I'm going to get serious (again) about losing weight. I'm hoping that after discussing diet w/ the doc I will have a solid food-related game plan. I've also got 3 free appointments with the trainer at our gym. Time to cash in! My goal is to go to the gym a minimum of 4 days per week. I would like to lose 1-2lbs per week (if not more!). If I'm successful I will have reached my goal, and more, by the time our trip to England/Ireland gets here!

3) OPK's
-While I don't think we're quite ready for the RE, meds, appointments, dildo-cams, etc. I am going to start doing the basics. At minimum I will be re-investing in my OPK stock. Temping may be apart of that in the near future as well. I haven't charted in forever...

4) Therapy
-Last, but certainly not least, I'm going to make an appointment with a therapist.
I had a minor, okay major, breakdown on Christmas Eve Eve. We had planned to run away with our friends for Christmas. We didn't even decorate because we wouldn't be home. We'd planned to leave on Christmas Eve and the day before the plans started to change. We weren't even sure if we were going to go anymore. Friends were thinking about bailing, which meant I would have to do the grocery shopping they'd been assigned, etc. Basically it felt like it was all falling apart. I lost my shit.
I was trying to express to J why I was frustrated and we were not communicating well. He went full on into Mr. Fix It mode and I got pissed. People I was angry. I tried to explain what I was thinking and feeling and it came out wrong, we argued a bit more and I started sobbing. I got no comfort and that pissed me off, so I got angrier. Folks, I was two seconds from putting my first in a wall. That is NOT me. I had a really hard time calming down. And as I did I realized that my freak out was probably less about our changing plans and more about my pent up stress and other emotional issues.
I'm disappointed in myself that I haven't made this appointment already. Now's the time.

So. That's where we are for now. I don't want to call these my resolutions because I never keep those (does anyone??). January is a new month. A fresh start. Time to get going again, but with 'baby steps' (har har) and a solid plan.

Is there anything you're going to do differently in the New Year?

Under Construction

Hey everyone! Sorry I've been MIA the last week or so. I've got some things to share (like my Christmas Eve Eve meltdown... yowza.), but before I can do that I'm working to update the look and feel around these parts. If you drop by and things look different, just bare with me. Aly at Infertility Overachievers is helping my vamp up the joint!

Thanks for hanging in there, more to come soon!

Birthday wishes for THE Mama

Today is my mom's birthday. Oh how I love her so. Each year I torture myself, wanting to find her the most perfect gift. She does so much for us throughout the year that I want to find that one thing that will show her just how much we appreciate her. Inevitably that means I'm running around at the last minute with all the Christmas-crazies picking up something that will fill the place of the gift I never found.

We've gotten my mom some nice gifts in the past - jewelry, nights out at fancy restaurants, etc... but none of them are meaningful enough. On this day I hope that she knows just how much she is loved and how grateful we are to have her in our lives.

I love you, Mama!

Distraction

I'm sorry I haven't really been posting much the last week or so. Things at work have been hectic. I've launched a new customer database to all of our service areas, wrapped up (literally as well) our Adopt-a-Family program, and yesterday we had our departments holiday luncheon (thanks to yours truly). Needless to say, yesterday after the luncheon I was exhausted. I sit for a few minutes before I tackle the crazy cleanup and I get that familiar sensation. You know the one I'm talking about. AF was knocking on my door. Sweet baby Jesus in a manger.

Home has been a lot of the same. We've been trying to go to the gym consistently, but that means 2-3 days a week recently. Better then nothing, right? We just finished the refinance on our rental property, but that meant appointments to sign documents. Oh, and this Friday I am flying out to go visit my very best friend in the universe. I haven't seen her in about a year and a half and I miss her like craziness.

Researching our trip has been a very pleasant distraction during our break. That was, until last night. We found a few great deals on plane tickets to Dublin. I'm talking $800/ea. That's a lot, but compared to $12-1300 - SWEET! We decided to be responsible and wait to finish our refinance, since we knew that we'd get to skip that mortgage payment. Responsible, no? I was pretty proud of us for our restraint. We'd seen the prices like that mid-week for a few weeks so we weren't concerned.

Last night we were ready. Credit card in hand. Type in Seattle to Dublin - BAM - $1200. FRICK!
I switch up the dates a bit, and I get $1100. That was the best I'd found! $300 more PER TICKET. I almost cried folks. Why can I not catch a damn break?!

I am really ready to take a break from our busy life. I thought that these distractions would be helpful in keeping my mind from TTC. I would say that about 50% of the time it has worked. But, I'm still sad, tired (mentally and physically), irritated with the dysfunction in my body (can I please stop gaining wait and breaking out? Please!?).

Are these really distractions, or is it avoidance of my 'issues'? Probably a bit of both if I had to venture a guess. But for now, that's what I'm using to get us through another holiday season without a reason to decorate.

BFN

Thank you for those that kept your fingers crossed and wished us well, but this mornings test was negative. I wish I had something better to report.

I also wish I could say that I'd been successful in keeping my mind from wandering. From dreaming of a Christmas miracle in a year that we don't appear to be celebrating. Imagining telling my mom, or my best friend when I fly to visit her next week. Getting to tell a few amazing women that have had success lately that I'd be joining their ranks. Even having a tough conversation about whether or not we should postpone our Europe trip. Oh what I would give to cancel that trip for this one thing.

Still no AF in sight. No BFP. Looks like my ladybits have decided to join my feelings in limbo. Just hanging out. Stuck between two worlds. Void of much feeling and really not wanting to make any decisions.

I am the worst at taking breaks.


Now I'm really sorry I skipped that margarita at dinner last night.

Holding out...

I am holding out to test until Saturday. I am a week late, even though that is only a guess. I'm not charting, using OPK's, or anything to know when I ovulated. The only thing I can go off of is some serious CM at about CD15. Weak sauce, I know. It is not only possible that I didn't ovulate then, but I could have not ovulated at all.

I have no PMS-like symptoms that have been typical of the last few months. However, what is 'typical' when you have PCOS? Either way, I've had no sore breast, cramping (aside from an ache in my lower right abdomen last week), or any moodiness....

That is where I am at the moment. Holding off on having any hope and holding off on testing until the weekend. We'll see!

I am an idiot.

This weekend has been deep with irritation and frustration. I have this wonderful evening planned with my girlfriends. There was baking, baking, and more baking planned. Instead the dogs decide that night to be a pain in the ass. I spent the evening cleaning up messes (our 7.5 year old lab decided to hike his leg on our friends Christmas tree - he has NEVER done that before! and that was only 1 of the 5 catastrophes of the evening) and I wasn't even supposed to have to take the dogs in the first place.

Yesterday we went to a local tree lighting. The day was so much fun. Lunch with friends, sledding with our friends kid, general holiday fun. Then the evening turned dramatic when most everyone drank 1 or 2 too many cocktails and the end result was vomit... in the car... when we were still over an hour from home. All I can say was thank God it wasn't mine. ::GAG::

I had decided Friday that I would test this weekend since I am late. Saturday morning I flushed the toilet before I remembered that I was supposed to pee on something. Frick! So last night when we got home I set everything out so that I would remember. This morning I'd only need to get the test out of the cupboard. True to my plan, I woke up this morning and went to pee in the cup. Grabbed a test out of the cupboard, did the damn thing, and set it on the counter. I cleaned up and took a peek....

OMG - is that a line? Or more like the absence of a line? Wait... a line is a line, right? People if I hadn't already peed I would have messed my pajama pants.

Returning to the cabinet to get the instructions... How long is it supposed to take again? I reached in, grabbed the box, and realized that I peed on an ovulation predictor test.

Kill me know. My heart went from racing, to broken. I of course am more upset because I screwed it up and, even if for only 30 seconds, I allowed my hopes to get up. On our break. When I shouldn't be doing this anyway.

Why am I such an idiot? Things never go right and I always manage to screw them up. What is more disappointing than a weekend filled with disappointments, is being disappointed with myself.

Living our lives.

J and I have been talking recently about how to pick back up with our TTC journey. As 2010 is coming to an end, how do we see 2011 playing out? One thing we both agree on 110%, is that no matter what, we are no longer putting our lives on hold. We're young (and damn fun if I do say so myself) and have bright futures. There are adventures to be had, people to meet, conquering to be done!

Where are we starting?

Europe!

My childhood dreams are finally being realized as I plan our first trip to Europe. We'll be visiting England and Ireland this spring/summer.

I. Can. Not. WAIT.

Do you have any idea how many castles are in Ireland? Me either. But I know there are tons. Nothing makes my inner princess tingle more than the idea of actually staying in a castle. Seriously I am giddy just thinking about it. A Castle. WITH my prince charming. I might die. Or never come home. Either way, I'll be happy.

Sure, it is going to take some major saving and a dent in our account, but it is time to LIVE people. If we get pregnant between now and then - great. (I'll just make J take me back later so that I too can take full advantage of the pubs. lol) If we're not pregnant, we'll be sad, but we go through that each month anyway. At least now I will have immediate access to European wine and Irish beer to help me cope.

Now I start my research. I really love my research. When is it most affordable to fly? Where should we go? Which sights should we see? I've gathered so much information already and I'm barely getting started.

I think I missed my career as a travel agent.

Have you ever been to England or Ireland? Do you have any recommendations? I would love some input from you all.

With everything we need to schedule in our coming months (I'm really dreading the appointment schedule), I finally have something magnificent to look forward to.

Day 30

Well folks, the 30th day of the Thankful 30 is upon us. I cannot believe that tomorrow is December 1st. I haven't even started my Christmas shopping yet...

::breaths deeply into a paper bag::

This blog has been a tremendous outlet for me. I must say that more often than not it is my place to vent about life and mostly infertility. It was a nice break for me to spend a little time each day thinking about just ONE thing I was thankful for. Some days I had to pick from a list of things that I was particularly happy about, and other (more frustrating) days it would take me a moment or five to come up with something. That's just the way life goes, isn't it? It has been nice to be appreciative for some of the things I do have in my life instead of just pissing and moaning about the things I don't.

It's all about perspective my dear friends.

Get on with it you say? Alright, alright...

Day 30
Today I am thankful for each and every one of you. For your encouraging comments or the occasional swift kick in the seat. For your own inspiring words. For simply being a part of this (not so) little blogging community we've found ourselves in. And mostly, for just being you. I'm so grateful we have found each other.

Take an extra moment or two and appreciate those in your life. Give away an extra hug, smile, word or two of encouragement, etc. Because who would we be if not for the people in our lives?

Happy December Eve everyone! ::hyperventilate::

Days 26/27/28/29

Sorry for the lapse 'round here. I was on a much needed un-plugged time out!

Day 26 - TURKEY. SANDWICHES.
Two of the greatest words in the english language when you put them together. Seriously I cooked with shit out of that bird on T-Day. J said it was my best bird to date. I'm thinking about having him call me Chef from now on.

Day 27 - Time with my peeps.
We escaped to the mountains this weekend. There was snow, friends, hot chocolate with peppermint schnapps, yummy food, christmas movies, etc, etc. I love creating these memories. I have the best of friends.

Day 28 - Turkey sandwiches.
I can't use turkey sandwiches again? Too bad!! My blog. My rules.
Did I mention before how fricken delicious my turkey was? I did? Well you get to read about it again, cause DAMN folks. So moist (thats what she said) and flavorful. Yum.

BTW - The Pioneer Woman's turkey brine worked wonderfully. I modified it slightly with an old recipe of my own, but the orange peels? Just the perfect touch of citrus. YUM

Day 29 - Husbands.
I know I've given him props already this month, but ya'll, we found out there was a mouse (possibly MICE - plural) in our work truck. If it wasn't for him I would have sold the old heap and thrown in the mouse/mice for no charge. I'm not messing around. Oh. Hell. No. Reepicheep doesn't get free rent. Not 'round these parts.

Day 24 / Day 25

Day 24 / 25

Since today is Thanksgiving I'm going to give you all a thankful smorgasbord...

I am thankful for...

• a large and wonderful family
• friends that can be rivaled by none other
• a warm and safe home
• a fresh blanket of snow outside (we NEVER have snow on turkey day)
• a husband that loves me, despite my being a crazy person
• two sweet pups snuggling on my floor
• the fact that our struggles with IF have brought us closer as a couple and didn't drive us apart
• job security
• above all else - time with those I love during the holidays.

I hope that you all have a happy and healthy Thanksgiving.

The end is in sight...

The end of our break that is. 2011 is a new year. Our fresh start. After two years of struggling with infertility, we needed a break. And a break we are taking. Parts of this break have been such a relief. Can I say for just a moment how wonderful it has been not to pee on anything?! To not go to the doctors office once a week? Other parts have been challenging... I'm not certain that I'm 'healing' myself as much as I wanted to during this time. We've been so busy and by nature I'm a procrastinator, so that hasn't boded so well for the self-help portion of our break. I am not the woman-on-the-edge I was in August and that is a huge relief.

In 2011 we will resume our fight.

Now for the reason I'm writing today. I read a lot of blogs. Some I pop in and out of occasionally. Others I read religiously. I'm not always the best commentator, but I promise I'm out there reading your words and laughing/crying/praying/celebrating right along with you. I love this community and and so grateful for its many connections. Today I was visiting Lindsey (and her super cute new blog layout!) and she wrote something that really struck a cord with me.

Please read her words. I cannot say it better than she did. Don't worry, go ahead, I'll be here when you get back.

Infertility is like cancer. Each month that we are not successful at conceiving we suffer a loss. I don't want to diminish the significance of cancer or the experiences of those who have suffered miscarriages or preterm loss. However, each month, the feeling of loss, both at the child we haven't conceived, the loss of control, and the uncertainty of our future is damaging. I struggle with controlling those aspects of our experience. I can juggle appointments and schedules, try to eat right, etc. But month after month of being kicked while you're down? Questioning whether or not you can keep fighting for another two years!?

I learned something on Oprah a couple weeks back (she's a smart lady!) and that was, by not owning up to something, by not talking about it, you're letting it control you. While I frequently shoot my mouth off 'round these parts, I don't talk about our struggles with infertility a lot in 'real life'. My in-laws don't even know. While that was a decision we made together and it made sense at the time (I mean, why worry them unnecessarily?), I'm not sure that policy still makes sense for us now. We're struggling through something major in our lives.

J and I both have dreamed of being parents since we were kids. Being a mom is the only thing I've ever known I wanted to be. What if that isn't in the cards for us? What if it is and we're just not there yet?

Last week, J's great aunt died. They were not terribly close and I had only met her at our wedding. She was a nice lady and at 68 she was too young. She was J's grandmothers little sister. She died of cancer and she had never told a soul that she had it. No one. Not her children, cousins, or her big sister. No one got a chance to grieve with her. To hold her hand and tell her what they meant to her.

Is that what we're doing to our friends and family? By not sharing our experience, am I letting it control me? Am I denying my family the opportunity to support me? To adjust and acclimate to the idea that we may never give our parents a grandchild? What if someone else in my life is experiencing this and not sharing with me? Could I help someone?

(as I type this I'm having an odd out of body experience. is this really my life? just being honest with where my mind is this evening...)

I don't know the right answer to those questions and I'm not certain there is one right answer. I do know that I'm ready to take some control back. I'm ready to own up to what has become a major part of our life.

As we start our new year I'm going to be talking a bit more about my experiences with 'coming out'. Writing about talking with my friends and family. It will probably be a slow process. I mean when really is the best time to tell your mother in law that her oldest son married an infertile and that wife may not be able to provide her with a grandchild? (Can you tell that's the conversation I'm looking forward to the least? Ouch.)

Join me while I come out of the Infertile Closet? There will be some interesting changes around these parts in the new year. We'll just have to wait and see how this goes.

Day 23

Day 23

Today I am thankful for a bit of time alone. I know, last week I was complaining about being lonely and now I'm grateful for a bit of time alone?

I'm a complicated woman, okay?

After a rough night last night (I've been emotional lately, nothing worth mentioning here) and another busy day at the office, I was glad to get off about an hour early to get through the snow and back to my comfy sofa. Alone with my thoughts. In the quiet.

Day 22

Day 22
Today I'm thankful for SNOW SNOW SNOW! It has been snowing on and off all day and I am now at home, snuggled up on the sofa with a full belly, watching it come down.

Even though I have a ton to do at the office tomorrow, part of me is hoping for a snow day.

The holidays have arrived!

Day 21

Day 21

Today was a great day. First, we woke up to the slightest dusting of snow. Over our breakfast we watched as the snow picked up and enjoyed watching billions of little flakes turn our big backyard white. We go cocoa at Starbucks and headed to the theater were we finally got to see Harry Potter! It was a GREAT movie. Best one yet. I won't discuss it here because I wouldn't want to spoil it. After the movie our gang headed out to dinner and discussed the happenings. A bit of shopping on the way home now we're wrapping up our weekend by lounging on the sofa.

Today I'm grateful for 3 things - Snow. HP7.1. Quality time with J.

Day 19 / Day 20

Day 19
I am thankful for an evening filled with accomplishing the majority of my weekend to-do list and getting to bed early. It was nice to see my to-do list get smaller for a change. And being asleep by 10? Ahhhmazing.

Day 20
Today I am thankful for good friends and fun times. Tonight we are celebrating the birthday of a dear friend. There will be friends, a yummy dinner, drinks, and a lot of laughter. Oh, and I got her the prettiest scarf and necklace for her bday. Fun times!

Day 18

Day 18

Today I'm thankful for wonderful things happening for a friend. She is a beautiful person inside and out and she deserves this wonderful path her life is taking.



Can it please be my turn to join her?

Alone.

I had kind of a frustrating day yesterday. It was a long busy day at work, J had worked all night, so I hadn't gotten to see him for about 24 hours straight, and all I had to look forward to when I got home was getting the dog to the vet (poor thing has an ear infection), grocery shopping, making dinner, prepping my contribution to the potluck today, paying bills, etc. Basically a night of running around until bedtime.

When I got home I tried to make our game plan with J and he reminded me that he had to go back to work that night, so he was going to need at least a few hours of sleep before he ran off. Damnit! I'd forgotten. Now I was going to have to do it all solo, again, and not see him for at least another 24 hours.

During my lonely drive to the vet, I fought back tears. For so many things in my life lately, I feel alone. I don't have friends at work because anyone I would hang out with (my age, etc) works for me and I'm not cool with the whole being BFFs with my employees bit. While J has been there for so many of our appts, etc it is still something that I was going through. I have the broken bits. I have to temp, take pills, do injections, get probed, and pee on stuff. No on in my 'real' life (non-internet besties) understands what it is I'm going through. They can be empathetic, but they don't really get me.

What that means for me is that I'm feeling personally and professionally alone. And as you might imagine, that is a bit lonely after awhile. I think that is probably why something like having to run errands and our life last night bothered me to the point of tears. I just wanted some company. Someone to hold my hand while we walked through Costco or to chat with while we waited at the vet (Lacey tries, but she's not a great conversationalist).

No, I still have not been to see a therapist. Mostly because I'm nervous, but also because we've been so busy that I haven't had the opportunity to do my research and really find someone I'll like. I've not heard great things about the Employee Assistance resources, so that was a bit discouraging. Where do you even start? I don't know that I have time to try person after person until I get a good fit. But I suppose you never know until you dive in, right? I need to sort through my crap.

It's hard to keep all of these balls in the air when you feel like you're the only one juggling.

Day 17

Day 17
My sweet pups. After a long day at work and after running around when I got home, I'm grateful to snuggle up to their sweet faces. They have such personalities, but both of them are two of the sweetest dogs I've ever met. So intuitive and mellow. We hit the puppy jackpot.

Day 15/16

Day 15

I am thankful for a clean bill of health at the dentist. Every six months it is a relief to hear 'lookin' good!'

Day 16

Boxes on my doorstep. Particularly ones filled with SHOES. And even better when those shoes are new boots. Cognac is the perfect color to describe these soft leather beauties.

love.
Love.
LOVE.

shh, don't tell my mama that my shoes were on the sofa.

Day 13/14

I've had a busy weekend, so today you're getting two-for-one. Both of which are a similar theme...

Day 13
Quality bonding time with my father-in-law. Yesterday J and I took his dad to the Harry Potter Exhibit in Seattle. Our tradition with my FIL is to go and see the HP movies together when they come out. We've all read the books and it is a fun day of bonding. We decided that we should see the exhibit while it is here. It was fun! We got to see outfits the actors wore, beds from their dorm, robes, the great hall (including Umbridge's education decrees hanging on the walls), props from herbology and potions, etc, and we even got to throw quaffles!

(Yes I really do understand that I'm letting my inner-dork hang out there for all of you to see. No shame 'round these parts!)

We had a great time at the exhibit and finished the day with a nice happy-hour dinner. I'm so grateful for the time with family and to have these fun traditions.

Day 14
Today it was all about quality time with The Mama. J was off saving the day by helping his brother move and I spent the afternoon chillin' with my mom. She came up to the house and we went to get pedicures.

Can I just take a moment to express how much I love a good pedicure. ::swoon::

After our toes were prettied up we snagged some lunch and headed back to the house to hang. I'm hoping (someday soonish) to update one of our guest rooms to an office, so we were deep in discussion about storage options, rearranging, etc. Growing up on a tiiiight budget, my mom and I loved to re-purpose, re-organize, or re-arrange our rooms. Fun memories.

My mom is the best and I'm so happy to have such a good relationship with her.

Day 12

Day 12

Now the words I'm about to say may be shocking. They may also cause you to get in your cars, or board planes, to ensure that I get safely to the crazy-house where I belong...

Today I am grateful for working out. GASP! Me?! I know, right! I have worked out 4 of the last 5 days. And by working out I don't mean any of that halfassed crap either. I mean 30+ minutes on the fancypants Precor elliptical and at least another 20 on the treadmill. I've also alternated abs/arms/legs with my cardio. Wednesday it was a 30 minute 'Ab Lab'.

Peeps - I am D.E.A.D. But you know what? I'm the good kind of dead. The kind where I feel like I've accomplished something. And the kind where I am sleeping like a honest-to-goodness CHAMP.

While it is true my abs may fall right off my chubby body, they can pack up and leave with the 2.5 L-B's I've lost this week. BOOYAH GRANDMA!

Day 11

Day 11
Today I am grateful for a bit of flexibility in my schedule. I've mentioned a couple of times around here that things have been kind of crazy at work. Busy and stressful with a growing list of 'to-do's'. Every other week I take a day and work from home. These days have become my salvation. I got more done today than I have in the last week. It is great for those administrative type things (reporting, scheduling, etc). I can just bust through a whole days worth of stuff that would normally be interrupted and take me the whole week (or more) to get through.

Know what else I'm thankful for? Tomorrow is FRIDAY!

Day 10

Day 10
Today I am thankful for compliments. After kind of a rough week, this morning I woke up and decided that I was going to fake it 'til I made it. That instead of just blowing my hair straight, pinning my bangs back and tossing on slacks and a sweater, that I would put in some effort. I curled my hair, wore my favorite sweater dress and black tights, and topped it off with fun earrings. I didn't even get to walk in the door when I ran into one of my employees and she said 'Good morning! You look so nice today!'

It made the biggest difference in my mood. Twice more I was told I looked nice today. (I did make a mental note to put in a liiiittle more effort day-to-day because I must have been living in frumpy town for a bit too long.)

I don't think we give compliments enough. I know how great it made me feel and what that did for my spirits. Can you think of the last time you were given a genuine compliment? For the rest of this month, along with thinking more about what I'm thankful for, I'm going to do my best to offer at least one sincere compliment a day. 'I love your new haircut.' 'You did a great job on that project.' etc etc etc. Not only could it impact someone the way I was impacted today, but I think spending time looking for good things will do wonders for my own demeanor.

What do you think? Want to join me in paying it forward? You all are looking very lovely this evening. :)

Day 8 / 9

Oops! I make it one week and I trip up and miss a day. My bad!

Day 8 (Yesterday)
I am grateful that J and I get to have the same work schedule. We're home within minutes of each other and it maximizes the time we get to spend in the evenings. Yesterday we went to the gym together, I cooked dinner while he sat at the kitchen table and we chatted (only interrupted by a minor dog-vomit situation we won't talk about here), we snuggled and watched about an hour of tv before we snoozed on the couch, and then we went to bed.

Day 9
Day 9 picks up where Day 8 left off... I'm grateful for spooning. I am so happy that we can go to bed at the same time. That we can lay down together and read until we cannot keep our eyes open any longer. And at the end of the night, when the bedside lamp gets shut off, we snuggle in together to fall asleep. Every night. No matter what. So that even when I'm sitting at work with a busy day ahead of me I can think about that safe place and know that I can make it through another day.

Day 7

Day 7
A restful day. I cannot express just how much I needed a day of rest. A true day of rest. The kind where you don't change out of your pajamas, only eat left overs, and the tv never gets shut off. Today was one of those days. J went to Cabela's with a friend and I was home solo the entire afternoon. I edited pictures, watched Julie and Julia and vegged the entire day. I almost feel up to tackling the week ahead. Good times.

Day 6

Day 6
A successful photoshoot! Today I visited a friend and her twin granddaughters. I spent the morning taking photos of two of the cutest little girls! We had a great time and the photos (that I've been able to get through thus far) are coming out great.

Now I'm home, chili is in the crockpot, and I've got about an hour before our friends show up. I think that some couch surfing is in order.

Day 5

Day 5
Today I am thankful for a rainy Friday night with no plans. This day has been long and hard (::cough::thatswhatshesaid::cough::) and what is getting me through is that in 4 short hours, the hubs and I will be in our sweats, on the sofa, watching a movie and listening to the rain.

That thought is my happy place today.

That bitch tricked me again!

How do I keep letting her do this to me?!

So, even though I'm doing nothing at the moment to actively conceive, it is never far from my mind. Last Saturday, when CD28 came and went, and I had no PMS signs to speak of, I just thought, 'Hmm. No need to get my hopes up, been there!' I didn't even tell J. Well, yesterday he asked me if I'd started yet. More like, 'Well, you're on your period now, aren't you?'

Well.... not exactly.
Is it over?
Didn't really start yet.
Oh yeah? (Damn that cute smile on his face!)

So I told him that I didn't say anything because it isn't out of the norm for me to go to about 31 days. I did say that if I still hadn't gotten AF by Saturday morning that I would test. We have no tests in our house at the moment (shocking, I know), so while we were at Target we picked some up.

That's all it too. Buying tests. I left for class and on the way home I felt like The Karate Kid had roundhouse kicked my ladybits. I also had the worst gas pains (three months in a row my period has started this way!). Sure enough, when I got home she was making up for lost time.

I try to be in bed by about 9, since I get up at 3:50. On Thursday's my photography class isn't over until 9, but I can usually be in bed by 9:45 at the latest. I was in bed by 9:45 and got up about 10 minutes later in search of my trusty heating pad - he has disappeared! I was so mad my eyes welled up and I decided to stay on the couch and read since I couldn't get comfortable laying down. It wasn't until 11:00 that I was able to go to bed and actually be tired enough not to notice my body splitting in half.

Peeps, I need a good drink and a NAP.

Day 4

Day 4
Today I'm thankful for echo-cardiograms, EKGs, blood tests, and chest x-rays that all come back 'Normal'. J got a referral to a cardiologist to do a stress test and try to recreate the problem, but overall he is the picture of health. I'm thankful that we have a doctor that will listen and help us try and diagnose the problem.

Healthy hubs = Happy Mrs.S

Watching other's lives pass me by.

Through our struggles with IF I have gotten to know a lot of beautiful and wonderful women. We've bonded over what a pain in the ass (sometimes literally) PCOS can be. How it sometimes feels like we're being punished for something we didn't know we did. The tears, the fears, the hopes and dreams. I'm very lucky to have developed these relationships, even if they are only over the internet.

One thing that is hard (but wonderful at the same time) about these relationships is that eventually someone leaves the pack. The get the job we've all been applying for - motherhood. Oh I love it when someone 'leaves' our ranks. When one of the good-gals gets their lifelong dream. The tears of joy, the laughing, smiley, celebrations that inevitably follow. The happiness I feel for them is endless.

The challenge for me has arrived later. 24 months later and a lot of those women I met in the early days and now at varying stages in between, have these beautiful success stories. There are photos of smiley toddler faces, babies 0-12months, and those that measuring the weeks until they get to meet their child. While my happiness for them is endless, I find myself using their milestones as markers for where I could have been.

My beautiful friend Rachel and her sweet boy Landon is almost 15 months old. I could have had a child almost two months old than him. The ever gorgeous Jessica and her sweet Knox. I swear he gets more handsome each and every time she shows him off! There are still quite a few waiting to meet there spawn, like Jenny and her triplets! Or the wonderful Krista who is about to have her anatomy scan. Each at a different stage, each for me marking a different kind of milestone.

The last thing I want to do by naming the very few I've named above is make anyone feel bad. That certainly isn't my motivation. None of these women have ever done anything but offer kind supportive words and work diligently (Rachel excluded since she's my token Fertile Mertle :) ) to never forget the struggles. To be appreciative for every moment, fear, pain, etc. Because they know intimately that it hurts more to be without. What I will continue to strive for, instead of comparing myself to what they have or what could have been, is to allow their successes to give me hope (okay, maybe not for triplets. Jen is hardCORE and I'm not sure I could cut the mustard like she has!). So that some day, when I get the call to head to the big leagues, I will have had the experiences of these wonderful people to guide me.

Until then, a bit of me will continue to live vicariously through those sweet smiling faces and the ones still on the way.

Day 3

I'm going to share two things today, but one of them is from yesterday, so I am going to call the first one:

Day 2.5

Crisp sunny falls days. Yesterday evening J and I took the dogs for a walk on a local trail. It was sunny and there were call leaves everywhere. The dogs were happy, we chatted the whole time. In that moment my heart could not have been more full.

Day 3

Artistic outlets. Creating things has become my therapy. Whether it is a well organized chart or presentation at work or the photos I took on a lovely fall walk with my husband. I appreciate these small moments to escape to a place within myself that is confident and can do something right. It feels wonderful to accomplish something and even better when someone compliments a work that really came from the heart.

Since I referenced our walk in both of my entries today, here are a couple of photos!

Day 2

Today I am thankful for something very superficial - my new work BlackBerry. I cannot express how much easier this is going to make my day-to-day life here. Besides, free smartphone = awesomness!

30 Days of Thankfulness - Day 1

I'm a thief. Yes, it's true. I totally stole this idea from... Facebook. ::GASP::

I have decided, as a way to get me back here and writing on the daily, that I will share my month of thankfulness with all of you. In the days when I am so very busy, I can often forget to stop and be grateful for all of the blessings in my life.

This will in no way be a complete list. Or even a list that forms in any particular order (my thoughts are nowhere near that organized). Who will join me?

Day1
First and foremost I am, and always will be, thankful for my husband. Through it all (including discussing our absenteeism ballots today... don't get me started!) he is my foundation. He makes me strong and builds me up when I feel like I cannot stand on my own. Love you, J.

Skinny Husbands

They just don't get it!


In the car Tuesday night I tried bringing up a fresh start for November 1st. Through work I have access to this meal planner for different diets (diabetic diet, vegan, etc). It will give you a months meal plans and it assembles the grocery list for you! Cool, huh? I wanted to purge the crap and stock myself with leans meats, veggies, and healthy snacks. If crap isn't in the house than I won't be tempted. I would like to go this route until I get myself to a place where eating healthy is my habit.


For those that don't know my husband - he can be pretty stubborn. And skinny. Boy likes his routine. His lunches consist of the same type of thing almost every day. I probably didn't approach this conversation the best way, but before I could even explain what I wanted or why it was important to me he just shut me down. 'Why can't I still have it and you just not eat it?' I tried to tell him it was hard for me. 'If you know it isn't good for you, I don't understand why you can't just leave it alone.' That one stung a little. I snapped back that it wasn't important that he understood why it was hard for me. It was his job to just appreciate that it is a struggle for me and to try and be supportive. And then we didn't say another two words to each other the whole ride and I just silently cried in the passenger seat.


I don't want to do this alone. I was hoping that our household could go forward with a good healthy start. We both could benefit from eating better. He has been so supportive through our whole IF struggle. Going to almost every appointment, being the strong one while I cried, pumping me up before I told my mom, etc. I think that is why I was so shocked to be rejected so quickly.

I'm going to need strength. Perseverance to leave 'his food' alone. Even when I don't feel like cooking a full meal, I need to be sure that I have healthy quick options available. Perhaps I need to empty out the pantry and organize a couple of shelves just for me? Thankfully I cook the majority of our meals and he always eats whatever I cook without complaint. I will start there. Good dinners and healthy snacks for work.


If you have a good recipe (basically low carb) that you'd like to share, I would love to have it! The more variety the better.

For now I'm going to bake a pie - to throw at that husband of mine. Gotta love 'em.

Wordless Wednesday

McFatty Everyday

Ugh.

The past few weeks I have really been struggling with my weight. Between when I stopped taking meds mid-August and the first week of October I gained a whopping 10lbs. And about another 2ish since then. Sure there have been days where I haven't behaved, but those days existed prior to my quitting meds and I didn't gain like this. Maybe a l.b. here or there, but being more active that week would see to those pretty quickly. The only thing I can think to blame is PCOS. That scale just pisses me off most days. I promised myself when I got under the 200 mark that I would never see that number on the scale again. When I got below 190 (187 was my lowest I believe) I thought that goal was safe.

HA! Yeah right...

200.3 was what I weighed this morning.

13lbs! FRICK!

J decided a few weeks ago he wanted to go to the gym with me. I was so excited! We have a slightly (HA!) competitive edge and I knew he would be just what I needed to push myself. That was until last week when J ended up at the walk in clinic because he was getting chest pains and time he exerted himself. Since then he's had to take it easy (so far tests show that he should be a-ok). Between that and our busy schedule I haven't made it a priority for about a week.

That gym may be my only salvation. If I gain 13lbs in 7 weeks while managing my portions and trying to eat a balanced diet, beating myself at the gym is the next step. I know this, but it is just so frustrating to suffer that way and not see any progress. I've tried restrictive diets and they just don't work for me. Our lifestyle doesn't lend itself to that. How am I going to live the rest of my life? Medication is not something I'd like to pursue if I can avoid it.

I will say that a friend of mine started seeing a naturopath and getting acupuncture. She's had rave reviews about both. I know that acupuncture can help with IF issues as well, so I am going to give it a try. I've been talking about it for a couple months now and if could help with my PCOS, maybe it would help with my weight problem as well? Perhaps if I saw a nutritionist I could get a better handle on my diet? I know that eating different types of foods along with carbs (my weakness and the PCOS Devil) can help you process them more efficiently. Has anyone ever seen a nutritionist? Was it helpful to you?

Struggling with the scale,
Mrs. S

Don't worry, I'm still alive!

Obviously I've been on a bit of a blogging hiatus. I think it is something that every blogger goes through occasionally. Please don't take it personally, I just needed some me time. I've been thinking about all of those that I follow and am looking forward to catching up. But, I've been SO busy. Work is a nuthouse, I've been back at the gym in the evenings, photography classes, etc.

I'm sorry I've been away for so long. To make up for it - here's a glimpse of what I've been up to...

Photography

I know that I have mentioned a few times around these parts that I am getting into photography. I have taken a few classes and do work here and there for friends. I really enjoy being behind the camera.

I started a landscape photography class yesterday and, as the discussion of photography always does, it got me excited. I have found my thing. My passion. That piece of my life that inspires me and makes me want to do something great. That two hours in class did more to break me from my funk than anything else I've been doing the last two whole months. I want to be great at this. I want to talk about photography, travel, absorb myself in subjects of all varieties, and my ultimate goal is to have someone feel something about a piece of work I've created.

I love the books my teacher assigns for class. They're excellent with instruction and methodology, but they also contain beautiful pieces of art. Each picture makes me feel something different, but that's just the thing - they evoke a physical response. That is my goal. I want one day for something I have done to move someone else. Because that is what I feel make a photograph memorable. We've all seen thousands and thousands of pictures in our life, but there are only a few that stick with us. For each of us those few are different.

I'm excited to be this excited.

Crazy Schedule

This week has been insane. I almost typed out for you here what my planner looks like this week. Perhaps I will take a photo instead... NUTS. It is Customer Service Week and here at work that is always great fun - FOR EVERYONE ELSE. For me it consists of running around like a chicken with my head cut off for 5.5 straight days until I collapse in a heap under my desk. There are breakfasts to cook (for 75 peeps!), lunches to serve, desserts to bake, etc etc etc etc. Not to mention the activities/games going on throughout the week. Best part of the whole week is tomorrow. It is Crazy Hat Day and I have that in the bag. These punks better bring their crazy hat game, because I've just brought this shindig up a notch. Thankfully everyone does have a good time and I get lots of thank you's and job well done's. Planning is my thing and I pretty much kick ass at it, if I do say so myself.

In addition to CS Week I had a workshop to attend Tuesday. It was all day long and since it didn't get out until 5 I got to sit in traffic for about an hour and 45 minutes to get home. Looong day. Last night I spent the whole evening baking cookies. Monster Cookies - you're welcome. Tonight I start my next photography class. I am SO excited. The only downfall is that it isn't over until 9pm and that is usually my bedtime (I know, I'm old! But you try getting up at 3:50. Yes, I mean AM.). O'well, it is totally worth the exhaustion.

Sunday is where the shit really hits the proverbial fan. It is the Making Strides Against Breast Cancer Walk. My company is a sponsor of this event and we supply the registration tent volunteers. So, I will be at the park (about 40 miles from my house) at 7am on Sunday to get prepped and ready. From 9-12 I have a photography field trip. At 2pm I have my first ever paid photography gig (WOOOOOOT!). And then that evening we are going to dinner for the FIL's birthday.

And then I die.

At least that's the plan.

Needless to say - I took Monday off. Because once I die I don't think I'll be able to leave my bed for at least 23.25 hours.

B.U.S.Y. week, no? I know I'm leaving things out, but frankly I've got a lot going on at the moment, so cut me some slack alright? Next week should settle down and that is when I intend on making my first therapy appointment. I should be sufficiently distracted from my own mind until then. Don't you think?

Wish me luck - I'm off and running!

Where I cried in front on my HR rep.

My HR rep and I meet every once in awhile and catch up. We talk about my department, how things are running, where the stress points our. Our chats are always friendly, we even find time to joke and laugh. I genuinely like her. She is a very nice person. When I've had to fire folks she helps me prepare and be confident down to more simple tasks like keeping me from killing another employee when they do or say stupid stuff. She's good people.

I think that's why during our coffee chat yesterday - I lost my shit and cried at Starbucks. She was the first person, outside of typing here on this blog, to which I have said out loud - it has been two years.

Let me back up a bit and set the scene. We were sitting on a pair of comfy sofas and both venting about how hectic work has been. How we're always tasked to 'do more with less' (I now do 2.5 peoples jobs). We started down the path of how, personally, we've both had very busy summers and that I think that is contributing to my overall stress. I'm typically very good at compartmentalizing. My home crap is my home crap and it stays at home, and my work crap is my work crap and it stays at work. Nowadays my crap is overflowing and I'm practically swimming in it.

She asked 'Are there things in your personal life you can control to slow you down? Plans you can cancel or postpone?' I said there probably was and somehow I started talking about our IF struggle. I started crying and apologizing for crying. She was really great. She said not to apologize and that sometimes we just need a good cry (ain't that just the truth!?) and that it was what she was here for. She kept the questions and conversation light. She honestly would make a very good counselor. Patient and calm. I can usually manage when one piece of my life is chaos, but this summer - it has all been that way. Sometimes it is just too much all at once.

I didn't really recover yesterday. Even her sending me a meeting request for our next day made my eyes well up. Even Modern Family made me shed a tear.

Having your 2 year ttc anniversary the week you're supposed to start your period is a mean mean joke. lol I'm grateful that it is Friday. That I get to spend quality time with my friends and have a beer, or two, at Oktoberfest. Because sometimes as badly as I need that good cry, I need more for a good laugh and a good distraction from the craziness that is my life.

2 Years

It has been a busy week, so Tuesday I did not have the opportunity to write. Tuesday, 9/28, was the second anniversary of my first day off birth control. We had officially started trying to conceive.

Two years.

Growing up and thinking about when I would start a family I never thought that it would have turned out like this. When we started ttc in 2008, part of me just knew it wasn't going to happen right away. I'd learned a bit more about the process, my cycle was really off, I was spending entirely too much time on BOTB. Part of me just knew. Did I think I would be sitting here two years later without the least bit of success? No. That I could not have anticipated.

I am such a different person now than I was two years ago. Whether that has prepared me more, or less, for parenthood I guess we'll never know. I've written previously about missing my naivety and this week that is especially true. I distinctly remember sitting on the couch with J and talking about deciding to try. We'd just been married in July and said then that we would wait until the new year and see how it went. But, we were ready. 'What good will waiting 3 more months do?' So our journey began. We were so very excited. Giddy even. I was going to bake a blond haired, blue eyed baby. Mine. His. The excitement was in the air. It was difficult to go to baby showers (there were a lot of them that year) and not shout 'We're trying too!!' Boy am I glad I didn't...

Fast forward two years and we're on our first real break. Not just a 'I'm taking this month off for a deep breath', but the I want nothing to do with baby-talk for the next few months. I need to find me again. J and I are just as strong as ever. We still hold hands in the grocery store and snuggle as we fall asleep at night. We're good, really good in fact. It's me that is off.

I talked to J last night and I've decided to start seeing a therapist. Mrs.S has some issues (like all of a sudden talking in 3rd person) and they need to be worked through. Dealing with infertility is a huge part of that. Stress at work (I now do 2.5 peoples jobs with little to no support). My weight (I hate you PCOS) is another. If I am super careful about what I eat I can maintain, but the second I step out of line, I gain. To the tune of 10lbs this summer, most of which was gained the later part of August and September - after I stopped taking meds. When I get home in the evenings I can barely leave the couch. I have no motivation to do much of anything. I get these random burst of energy, but that still leaves my house a disaster. It's time I take my own advice and seek the guidance of a professional. We'll see how that goes, I'll report back.

Two years later and I'm a little more grown up, a lot more jaded, and I'm ready to look for help. I just can't do it all on my own.

Blah.

You know those days where you don't want to get out of bed? Today was one of those days for me and I cannot shake my glum mood.

I'm upset with the universe and carrying a heavy heart for a friend. A sweet, loving, wonderful friend of mine went into premature labor at 23 weeks and lost her son yesterday. This is the second angel baby for this family. Her daughter passed 8/15/09.

I cannot begin to fathom. To understand. To even comprehend what they are going through right now. My heart physically hurts at the thought of it. Who makes these decisions?! Who decides who gets to stay and go!? I'd like to think it isn't God. That there isn't some devine force out there robbing these beautiful people of their family. The thought sickens me...

The whole situation keeps making me think about our own struggle with IF. What would we do if faced with that situation after trying so long? If this woman, who has suffered more than anyone ever should, has not been given a child - why should I? My heart is pulled in many directions today, none of which are positive.

Let's hope this work day is sufficiently distracting...

Quote

Parenting is an amazing opportunity to ruin someone from scratch.

-John Stewart.

My new life's goal.

Break = No ICLW

I decided that since this was our first full month on our much need baby-making-break, that I would also opt-out of ICLW for September. I am having mixed feelings now that I see it kicking off.

I love all of the blogs and people I've had the opportunity to meet through the last few months of ICLW. Each of you has a slightly different story, but essentially we're in the same preverbial boat. However, since we're on a 'break' I don't really have to much of any substance to share right now. Ultimately I have decided not to participate. The attention, love, prayers, etc can go to those in the list that need it right this minute.

So, while I have decided not to actively participate, I still plan to drop by those that have given me love and/or become a follower of this blog just to say hello, give e-hugs, and deliver positive vibes.

Happy ICLW! I hope that those participating find the support and community they are looking for.

Vegas

We had a GREAT time in Las Vegas. The conference I was attending was great. Good discussion and a bit of the rejuvenation I needed for work. I was seriously lacking the appropriate motivation. After the work part was wrapped up, we had a couple of friends meet us down there.

Let the FUN begin!

We walked around town with tasty beverages in hand. I soaked up the 100 degree weather. The last of summer I am certain I will see until next July. Every day we took a nap (have I ever expressed how much I love a good nap? I do.). Thursday night we got allll gussied up. I got to wear my pretty party dress and we hit the town. We got drinks and ended the night at King Ink (a tattoo parlor/lounge) at The Mirage. We had some drinks while our friend got a tattoo! Classic Vegas right there. The next night we prefunked (drinking in Vegas is PRICEY) before traipsing around to The Rok (nightclub in NY NY) and then my favorite - Studio 54 (MGM). L.O.V.E. that place! There was crazy go-go dancers, a kickass dj, and lots and lots of dancing. It was a great time.

Can I tell you a secret though? My feet hurt for TWO DAYS after that. Yup, today was the first day they didn't ache. I think I'm getting too old for that partyallnight business. But, it was totally worth it.

Overall it was a really productive, fun, warm, and relaxing trip. And overall, I'm ready to go back.

Just a couple photos from the trip:Sunset on our way into Vegas.

Look at that cute face!

Pretty song

I was catching up on my blog log today and came across a video I'd never seen awhile visiting Waiting For Our Miracle. I thought it was a pretty song and thought I'd share:

Viva Las Vegas

In just a couple of hours we leave for the airport. That's right, we're VEGAS bound. I cannot express exactly how excited I am. I've got to work tomorrow and Thursday and then it is two days of nothing but PLAY. What is better than a Vegas trip? A Vegas trip with paid airfare and hotel (with the exception of J's ticket and one additional night)!

Pedicure? Check.
Clean house? Check. (Anyone else clean before you leave so you don't come home to a disaster?)
Bags packed? Almost check.
Watched The Hangover twice this weekend to prepare? Check.
New party dress purchased? CHECK.

I think I'm ready to go!

Since the pacific northwest has officially settled in to fall, I am really looking forward to that last dose of summer. 4 days of sunshine, drinks poolside, warm nights filled with friends and cocktails and cute dresses... love! See you kids back around these parts this weekend. Love ya!

Less Pressure

I saw a couple of friends from high school last week. I haven't seen them in a couple of years. We had a nice lunch and it was really fun catching up. Since I am the only one of the three of us that is married, inevitably the question came up - 'When are you and J going to have babies??'

My mind is in such a better place right now. Gone, for the moment, is the bitter and jaded. I knew both mentally, and emotionally for once, that they were asking because they loved us and thought us having babies was an excellent idea. I wasn't upset at all. While I didn't go into a long drawn out 'We've been trying with little success' explanation, I did say that having babies won't be quite as easy for us. That because of something I have called PCOS we'll more than likely need to have some intervention, because I don't have 'regular' cycles. But, that we both would love to have children. And I left it at that. One of them said that she was sorry to hear that and she knows we'll just appreciate what we have that much more, once it happens.

I talked about it. Without tears. To someone other than my husband, mom, or BFF.

I'm just going to go ahead and mark that one in the win column. J and I chatted recently and decided that should it come up in conversation with our friends or family that we're going to talk about it. We're not going to walk into a party with everyone we know and make a grand announcement or anything, but when the subject comes up and the time is right, we're done living in the closet. With some we'll probably be more vague, like I was with the girlfriends I haven't seen in awhile, and with others (J's parents? ::shudder::) they probably won't let us off the hook that easy. We're lucky to have a big network of family and friends and have a couple extra positive thoughts/vibes/prayers out there certainly isn't going to hurt anything. I'm prepared now to take on the bad advice and stupid things people say because I know they're just trying to help. (remind me of this when I want to pull my hair out or hide from my MIL - kthanks)

Maybe there is something to this 'relax' business? (Please don't beat me up.) I certain feel better. I needed this break and I know I'm not ready for it to end yet. For now I'm going to focus my energy on continuing to get healthy and on sending my thoughts and prayers to all of you. Those that are in the middle of treatments, just getting started, and those that already have that precious cargo on board. Love and hugs to you all. I'm pulling for you!

Wordless Wednesday

Not cool, AF. Not cool.

AF finally decided to show up today. And by 'today' I mean at 2:45 this morning. She woke me out of a dead sleep with the worst cramping. I thought for sure I was about to shit the bed or something. As soon as I hit the bathroom I realized (or woke up enough to realize?) it was AF. Stupid beyotch has no manners whatsoever. Needless to say, I didn't get back to sleep. I could not find a comfortable position and about 10 minutes after I laid back down, gas pains got added to the mix. Really!? My morning ruitine had to be edited to remove breakfast and making a lunch so that I could fit in my 25 minutes on the toilet. Overshare, sorry 'bout that. But 25 minutes of the runs on CD1 is just mean. -- Yes, you get quality reading around here. True story.

Kick a girl while she's down why don't you?! Jebus.

At least it is here and I can finally stop wondering if/when I'm going to start. Carrying around tampons, just for funsies, because you're not sure when she's going to strike is no bueno.

Boobies

Let's talk about boobies for a moment, shall we? For about a week now my boobs have been SORE. Twice in the last few days J has tried to get friendly with them and I have had to threatened to smash a lamp over his head if he even THINKS about moving one fraction of an inch closer to my tender bosoms. He got them message and in the bathroom yesterday asked 'can I try now? there's no lamps in here!' SweetbabyJesus - NO!

I was in my jammies this morning, which typically consist of undies and a tshirt. I leaned across the table and my poor nipple lightly grazed the table through my shirt and I gasped. OW OW OW

Not cool. To top it off, AF still isn't here - I tested yesterday on an internet cheapy and I don't think it worked. It stayed completely blank forever, the color not spreading across the test area, and then about 5 minutes or so later a line developed. If I still haven't started tomorrow I will test again. But no AF and no BFP - should I call my doc about my boobs? They've seriously NEVER hurt this bad.

Any suggestions?

Answers!

Here are the answers to this weeks Q&A:

1) From Bobbi: Is IVF something you will ever consider?

Yes. While J and I both hope that this will never be medically necessary, it is something we'd consider. Because our insurance does not help much in this area, and as we all know it isn't cheap, this would be a pretty long term plan. Probably something we'd consider more if we still haven't conceived for another couple years.

Unless we won the lotto or something. :)

2) From Kakunaa: What is the craziest thing you ever did on a dare?

Skinny dipping for sure! There were boys there! I was 16 and probably will never be that gutsy again...

3) From cowgirltn: Who was your 1st love?

You know that boy? The one you knew when you were 13 and you swore he would be the love of your life? The one that isn't any good for you and treated you like dirt? Yeah, I had one of those. I thought for a couple of years after he did me wrong that he was my first love. Until I met J. Boy did that give me some perspective. J is my first and only true love.

4) From Krista: When are you coming to NC to see me?

You have no idea how badly I want to come! Can you imagine the shenanigans we could get into!? And the L-B's I would gain after eating your amazing cooking!? It would totally be worth it... I wonder what airfare would cost.... Uh oh! lol

5) From Jessica: With regards to IF, how far would you go in the pursuit of getting pregnant? As far as what treatments you would consider.

Probably IVF. What I am strongly considering now (for after our break is over) is pursuing alternative medicine in addition to seeing the RE. For example, I've heard excellent things about acupuncture and I would love to give that a try. When we pick back up after our rest, I want to hit this hard and from all angles. Limiting, if we can, this long drawn out torture we've experienced so far. If that means vitamins, herbs, acupuncture, supplements, injections, etc - I'm in.

6) From Musewander: What was your favorite part of life pre-IF that you loved, and possibly miss?

My ignorance. I have learned a tremendous amount about fertility and my body over the last two years. That eduction is something I truly value. However, I can distinctly remember these moments from my pre-TTC days when I would watch my husband play with our nieces and nephews and my heart would swell with the idea of him being a father. I would be giddy with thoughts and plans. Never once a second thought for the challenge of conceiving. Just blissful ignorance. J still plays with the many children in our life. My heart still swells with the thought of him being a father, but not it is accompanied by a painful ache. I miss my ignorance.

What is one thing that nobody knows about you, or that no one would expect you've done?

GOOD QUESTION. That's a tough one though... J knows probably all there is to know.

Well since J was there, he knows this one, but VERY few other people (2?) know this... When J and I were younger, and a bit more adventurous, we visited a state park. (No, that isn't the adventurous part.) We happened to stumble across an old fort. I'm not sure what it was about this old fort, but it got us all worked up. So, right there, in the middle of the day, with a peek-a-boo view of the water and even a few people in the far distance, we cured what ailed us - if you get my drift. It's a damn good thing that park wasn't crowded.

7) From Deanna: Where do you imagine yourself in 10 years with your family, career, home?

My dream is that in 10 years we will have two children. I will have left this job and be working full time doing something creative. I'm working on getting my photography business up and running and have dreams of selling my wares (prints, cards, even jewelry, headbands, etc - crafty stuff). I love the home we're in now. I have a huge back yard that the dogs love. It is centered between the local schools, super close to the lake... However, since I was a kid I have been collecting floor plans, pictures, features, etc for the house that I want to build someday. It would be great to have at least started this process within the next 10 years. Even if we're just looking for that perfect piece of land.

Feel free to add more if you'd like. I'm always happy to update this!

Happy Birthday to ME!

Today happens to be the day that my mother gave birth to me. A couple weeks late in a record hot summer. Yup, you got it right, I've been a pain in the ass from the get-go.

In honor of my birth I'm going to relay to you a quick story my mom likes to tell... It was early August (8th or 9th) and a mama was pregnant with a little girl and it happened to be her due date. Instead of pushing, sweating, and getting ripped in half (which would come soon) at the hospital, she was sitting at home, in her underwear. Outside. In the kiddy pool. It was oppressively hot and she was crying. She was DONE carrying this child (aka - ME) around. Her father in law and his good friend happened to stop by (she had no shame that this point hanging out in her underoos) and tried to console her. FIL's friend said, "Well you'd better get used to it, because she's not going to be born until my birthday!" "When is that?" mama replied.

"August 25th."

Mama sobbed.

Guess what folks? He was right. I was laaate and I came out when I was damn good and ready. Which happened to be once the heat wave was over. ;)

So, while I'm busy eating cake (What diet?! Everyone knows there is no such thing as calories on the day you were violently squeezed through the birth canal!), you can just keep adding questions to my previous post. Answers are coming tomorrow!

Peace, Love, and Cake,
Mrs.S

Q&A Time!

I spent the day volunteering at a local children's museum and I'm plum tuckered out. 8 hours of scrubbing, cleaning, washing, etc. Phew! Instead of me deciding what to chat about today, let's leave that up to you! It has been quite awhile since I did a post like this, and never before during ICLW! Here's how it'll go down, Step 1) you ask me ANY question about me, my experiences with IF, or... well... anything! Step 2) I answer them in a new post. Simple!

So, have at it! Don't hold back. What would you like to know?

Welcome August ICLW!

For those that are new to these parts - Welcome! A synopsis of our TTC journey, see the Dates to Remember on the left. Basically we've been TTC since September 2008. I have PCOS and a recent pink slip from my doc. We were told that we'll need to see an RE, which we've been avoiding because it isn't covered by insurance. Instead, we've decided to take a break. Active TTC will resume in a few months. In the mean time I'm going to focus my efforts on my other struggle - weight loss. UGH!

Feel free to kick off your shoes and stay awhile. I've 'met' so many wonderful women blogging. Some in the same boat as me, and others with a slightly different story, but all of us connected through IF. Please comment and I'll try and drop by your place too. Happy ICLW!

My Funk.

I'm sorry that it has been a week since I have written. I am blaming it on my current state of funk. Before I dive in today I want to say that I have checked back and read all of the beautiful comments on my last post. You all are amazing, supportive, wonderful women and I love ya, plain and simple. It means more to me than you know to have such great people in my corner.

I have been insanely busy since I was here last. First my in-laws were in town for two days, and then my own aunt and uncle were here for the next three. Mix in there the usual running around, birthday parties, an insane week at work, etc and I've been a little like chicken with my head cut off. The only positive side is that for the most part I've been distracted from my own mind. Only a few times in the last week - 1) a sweet conversation with an old friend I will tell you about in a minute here, 2) the two separate occasions where we were asked the unavoidable 'when are you having kids?', and 3) only to top #2 - 'I thought you two were going to have a baby?' - did I even have time to think about the deep ache in my heart. There is something to be said for distractions.

Now to that sweet conversation I mentioned a second ago. Growing up, quite a few of my closest friends were guys. I had enough of my own drama that I think I liked to surround myself occasionally with someone other than a pack of like-minded dramatic girls. It's probably how I survived ages 14-18 living with my mom, sister, and grandmother in a house with one bathroom (trust me - it was worse than it even sounds.).

But, I digress - one particular such male friend is Ry. He and I became fast friends when I was about 14. We'd talk on the phone for hours discussing his girl trouble, hang out at a friends house, or play video games (family feud on Super Nintendo was our favorite!) while he emptied our refrigerator. He is like a big brother to me. Ry and I have grown up, been through our trials and tribulations, and as is the case with most old friends, we just don't see each other enough. There is work, relationships, schedules, etc. Thankfully we have a number of mutual friends and manage to connect once a month or so.

Last weekend we were all at a friends house and Ry and another friend of ours had a disagreement. Nothing major, but Ry was upset. When he calmed down we sat on the porch with another friend and talked like old times. Something that came out of this good ol' fashion heart to heart was that he knew of our IF struggles. 'Don't be upset,' he said, 'but I know what you and J have been going through.' Of course I wasn't upset. It isn't that I didn't trust him or ever want to confide in him, but the time was just never right. We can't exactly have a good conversation in the middle of 15 of our other friends/family at the hockey game and say 'Oh, and about my broken lady parts....' To be honest, I'm glad he knew. That I didn't have to have that conversation. To see the look in the eyes of another person I care about as I explain our long road. We had a few minutes to ourselves towards the end of our chat and what did we do? We had ourselves a good cry. He rubbed my back and told me that he just knew it would work itself out. That I wasn't broken. That someday I was going to make a great mom. We talked about the break we're taking and the stress of the last two years. It felt like I was 16 and talking to my best friend on the phone. Except this time it was about the status of my uterus and not the boy he was trying to convince me to go to prom with. lol

Friends are priceless. Whether you have practically been siblings since you were 14, or if you've never even 'met' but over the interwebs, friends are how we survive. While I may still be in the middle of a funk, I cannot imagine the depths I would have sunk to without everyone in my life the last week. From those of you that have commented, called, or emailed, to the ones that have held my hand throughout my life - you are my world. My family. It is because of you that I function each day like a relatively normal human being.

Thank you friends. I am truly blessed.

Uncle

I give.

Instead of this appointment confirming my progress and ending with a shot in my ass, it showed that my follicles had not grown at all. In fact, they were smaller. To say I was crushed is an understatement. No trigger. No IUI.

Doc Oc apologized. We discussed my inconsistent responsiveness to the Femara. He said that he didn't think that there was anything further he could do for me except to give me the card of a doctor (RE) he works closely with at Seattle Reproductive Medicine. He felt that I am 'more complicated' and could benefit from a more aggressive treatment than he could provide. The great part about seeing this OB was that basically everything was covered by my insurance. The RE? Not a chance.

Folks, I got dumped.

There is a big difference between planning to take a break if this cycle doesn't pan out and having the cycle cut short without really ever having a chance. My heart hurts. My eyes are welling up as we speak. That 20 minute drive home, knowing my husband is waiting. Knowing that he's waiting for me to come home and tell him the plan. When is our IUI appointment? What does he need to be prepared for? Those were the questions I went in to the office with today. Questions I still don't have the answer to.

This is where I cry uncle. I feel defeated and beat down. That doesn't quite even cover it. More like I feel drawn and quartered. My heart is in a vice. I called Rachel when I left the office today and bawled. Her advice was to take the time I needed to mourn the close of this particular chapter. That's exactly what I feel like I'm doing - mourning. Mourning the loss of those three little follies that never came to be. The IUI I never got to have. Another month where I could not make my lovely and amazing husband a father.

It is time for us to take a break. To take a giant deep breath and reset. No more doctors appointments, medications, copays, pee sticks, etc. For now. Make no mistake, while we plan to take a good break, we'll be back. Wiser, more prepared, and well rested. Watch your back IF/PCOS. You may have won the battle, but we're going to win this damn war.

Weight

I haven't checked in on this subject in awhile, mostly because I've not gained any progress. I am maintaining, but barely. I know that a general side effect of hormonal meds is weight gain, so while I've been eating okay (could be a bit better) I'm not losing anymore.

It doesn't help that every weekend there is another event - camping, wedding, bachelorette party, birthday party, etc. I do NOT behave well at those events. I can't help it! I'm friends with a lot of skinny chicks and guys. Basically people that can eat whatever they want and look great. Bitches. I unconsciously go along without much thought until the next day when I beat myself up 'WHY did I snack all evening!? Why?!' Not. Worth. It. Except for when it is worth it - like a s'more when you're camping. That doesn't count. ;)

J made a comment tonight after dinner when I said I could go for the smallest something sweet. (My mind went immediately to a jolly rancher or something small.) I remembered that I had this delicious diet root beer that is made with Splenda instead of aspartame. So I asked J if he would share a float with me. In my mind it was a great choice - zero carbs and calories in the soda and if I used 1 scoop of vanilla that would be the only calories/carbs to worry about (150/16). Then we would share it! Decent choice, right? Well, I thought so.

J said 'I don't want to be a douche, but I'm worried that you're not making good choices. You get so down on yourself when you gain weight. You can kind of be a Debbie Downer.' Ouch. I know he was coming from a good place and it was probably hard for him to say, but it was even harder to hear. The hardest part is that he can eat WHATEVER HE WANTS. But then I can't. It's not a big deal for him to grab a pizza if he's busy and running around. But I have to plan my meals and count calories/carbs. It's a crappy double standard. It sucks! As always I'm going to try to be better. Number 1 on that agenda - more frequent exercise. We're really busy all the time, but I wouldn't say we're active. I've got to kick that up a notch.

That's where I am - The Land of Same Ol', Same Ol'.

My Date with Doc Oc

Before I sat down to relax with the hubs, I decided I would knock out the update.

I've got three follicles vying for Folly of the Year. That's the most follicles I've had at any mid-cycle check thus far! Average size was only about 16ish mm (14.5, 16, 17), so they're definitely not ready yet, but we're on our way! Wednesday I go back to check in and get triggered. All goes well and we'll be getting our first IUI on Thursday.

Let's hope it all goes according to plan!

I was relieved to see that things were ticking right along, even if I wasn't feeling anything like I did last month. I've got to STOP this over analytical thing I've got going on. This week will be bringing plenty of distraction as we've got family (on both sides) in town this week/weekend. Next week I am the only manager in our whole office, so hopefully that means the week will go by fast! The weekend after we'll be camping. TONS going on, so bring on the distraction! My birthday will be CD28 and approx 13-14 dpiui.... now the question is - Would you test on your birthday!?

Appt Tonight

I have my mid-cycle scan this evening with Doc Oc. I am feeling very weird about this appointment. I'm not sure if it is just added pressure because 'after this we're taking a break' or what. I'm not feeling very optimistic (I wasn't last month either though) and I am attributing that to the fact that I took my 7.5mg of Femara on CD5-9 instead of 3-7 like I did last month. I don't know, maybe because I got off to a rushed/rough start I'm just being pessimistic. We shall see!

If all goes perfectly, I will be getting triggered tonight (or in the next 1-2 days) and scheduling the IUI.

If you have a spare positive thought, I would sure appreciate it. I'm running a little low on them these days.

What ever will be, will be. What ever will be, will be. < wash, rinse, repeat

My day in a nutshell (a nut sounds tasty)

I'm starving.

I might die.

We have no food in the house.

--Did I mention my impending death?

GROWL < that's my tummy saying hello

--Did I mention my hunger?

Sometimes working from home is totally a pain. I'm not downtown, so I cannot just walk next door and grab a salad.

I caved instead and decided that a bowl of cereal would just have to do for lunch. I get upstairs - no clean bowls. I scrub one up, pour my tasty Lucky Charms (don't judge!), open the fridge - no milk! BAH!

Now I'm back to the drawing board. And STARVING... wait, I mentioned that? Sorry, I'm dieing here, so that must mean that in death you start forgetting things.

Is it weird that my dog's breath just made my stomach growl again? Yeah, that's definitely weird.

Is this God's way of telling me I could skip a meal or 10?? God is that you??


::Mrs.S disappears into the white light::


(PS - I totally won't judge you if this interlude into my psyche scares you off for good. Dangerous territory in there.)

Game Plan

When my life gets crazy and hectic (i.e. Now) I rely heavily on lists. Check lists, wish lists, to do lists, grocery lists, hit lists... okay scratch that one... you get the idea. When I returned from my vacation my IF list included prescription refills, calling the doc, making an appointment (or two), etc. (Don't get me started on the laundry, clean out our gear, bathe the dog list... ::shudder::)

After compiling my to-do's for the week I had a brief heart-to-heart with J. Basically if my life doesn't slow down I might combust. Spontaneous. On the carpet or somewhere equally inconvenient, thus adding 'get carpets cleaned' to J's To-Do list. But I digress... We've been operating at warp speed and I need to take it down a notch. We've been doing amazingly fun things this summer and I don't feel I'm enjoying any of it because we are always go-go-go. I said it was like eating out at a fancy restaurant every night. It sounds great, but after awhile it would lose that 'special' vibe and really just strain the checkbook. My fun activities are starting to feel like chores and that is not okay to me.

He agreed 110%. Thank goodness. Now, where does that leave us on our TTC journey. Short term? We're going forward as planned with this cycle. If I ovulate we're going to pursue IUI. No last minute change of plans, we're going for it. We're all in. Puttin' it all out there. If we're successful then that is beyond wonderful. No more need for this particular discussion because 'everything else' just got dropped a notch on the list of priorities.

If we are not successful? Then we will have tried our hardest for two full years. That fact, that two year 'anniversary' is sitting on my chest like an overweight pachyderm. If we're not successful, we have decided to take a break. Not just 'let's skip this cycle and take a breather' either. We'll pull all medical assistance aside until about the first of the new year. I don't want to put a hard and fast date on it because if we're truly ready before then, we'll go for it.

I'm scared. I'm scared we'll get pregnant and I'll never get to slow down again in my life. And I'm scared that we won't get pregnant and our dreams will be put on hold even further. These decisions are hard and scary and I hate that we have to make them at all.

Home from Camping

AF arrived Thursday evening. Let's just get that out of the way. I was upset. And then I drank. That about sums it up.

After we got that out of the way we had a great weekend on the coast camping this weekend. We did a TON of hiking, ate great food, and hung out with some super great friends. The hiking was exactly what I needed. We got up Friday morning and hiked a trail that took us to the coast (near La Push where part of Twilight takes place, I might add!) it was about 7 miles round trip. We saw eagles, deer, and lots of sea creatures since we made it to the coast by low tide. It was beautiful.

Saturday was a repeat, but we took a different trail that took us a few miles north of Friday's hike. We did another 8 miles (roundtrip) to the coast and back. When we were done I was POOPED, but in the greatest way. I felt accomplished and relaxed. I got just the nature fix that I needed.

The tricky part with this whole adventure was that we were completely out of cell range. I'm talking it was a good 90 miles to get a signal. So, when I started my period on Thursday I had no way to call the doc and make another appointment. I also couldn't fill my prescription to start on CD3. Soo... tomorrow I will call and see what the game plan will be. Perhaps I'll go back to taking the Femara CD5-9 just for this month. I will report back when I know more!

Thank you for all of your well wishes and hope. I appreciate you all being in my corner. We'll just have to wait and see what next month brings.